Reallyscared - Welcome to Marriage Builders. Suffice it to say that while I am sorry about the reason that brings you here, I am glad that you found a place that can be of support to you with straight talk from others who have dealt with what you are facing.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He said that they discussed it going further but he didn't want to jeopardize me and our son. But he seems to think that it's 'ok' that they continue to talk. I explained why it wasn't and that if he was choosing to save our marriage he would need to end it. He says he will but would prefer to do it slowly. He says that it is really going to hurt her. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I confronted my H last night about an A and he admitted to an EA. He said that they discussed going further and he decided not to jeopardize me and my son. However, he feels that they are merely friends now and doesn't see what harm it is causing. I have tried to explain to him that it is not helping our marriage and only destroying it further. He also says that it will be really hard to do. She will be hurt and he will feel depressed just as if he could never speak to one of his male friends ever again. I don't know what else to say. He wants to go get help, but the help won't work if he is still 'talking' with her. Is he in denial? What should I do? Should I give him an ultimatum like don't come home until she's out of your life? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
He said that they discussed it going further but he didn't want to jeopardize me and our son. But he seems to think that it's 'ok' that they continue to talk. However, he feels that they are merely friends now and doesn't see what harm it is causing. I pulled the above italics from the above quotes of your two threads in order to focus on the fact that your husband is definitely in what is called "The Fog". He continues an affair and continues to "lie" about it, attempting to minimize it so that he can find a point at which you are "accepting of some level of contact" with someone who is NOT his wife.
I know this is a very hard, emotionally desperate time for you. But you need to know that your husband is following "the established format" of most Wayward Spouses. To us, it's nothing new. This behavior, excuses, minimization, etc. is very common and predictable.
People ARE going to get hurt. You already are. There is no way to escape hurt when the subject is adultery. It does hurt everyone. But no one dies from hurt. You "get through" the hurt.
Joint Marital Counseling would seem appropriate and probably a "must." You both need an "outside 3rd party" to address the hard issues without the camoflage of "you are too close to the issue" to be unbiased.
It is very possible that his affair has been physical also, despite his denial. The reason is simply that most WS's will continue to lie for some time and will try to "lie by omission" or not tell you the "full story". They will try to "placate you" with what they think you can accept. Some of that is to "protect" your feelings (yes, I know it sounds dumb because they already have hurt you immensely) and some of it it to allow them to "cakewalk" (i.e. have you both and not have to address the really hard steps that are necessary).
Regardless, the one thing you need to remember right now is that during an affair the Wayward Spouse is "in control." They do it in secret and invent lies to cover it up. Once it becomes known, and is exposed, the Betrayed Spouse is in control of the recovery. YOU have all the grounds necessary to end the marriage if you so choose. He has already violated the marital covenant and vows of fidelity to you. If, as he has said, he
"he decided not to jeopardize me and my son", and he truly doesn't want to lose you and your son, then he needs to understand that he IS in jeopardy of losing both of you. One of the marriage vows that is pertinent to this situation is "forsaking all others and keeping myself only unto you." There can be NO negotition of this vow. It is a requirement of marriage. Rutting around may be "okay" if one is single, but it is expressly forbidden, BY CHOICE, by both parties to a marriage.
IF you are to "allow him" to remain with you as your husband, then there are some things that he is going to have to do. First among them is NO Contact with the OM. There can be no 3rd party in any marriage (other than God).
Suffice it to say that even if they did not have sex, his admission that they "discussed" it is enough to admit that their "feelings" have stepped over the line of "friendship". Once that line has been crossed, there is NO going back. Putting it another way, perhaps he would be "comfortable" with you keeping a former "lover" around as a friend that you see and talk to EVERY DAY.
Please read all you can on this site, especially the Articles more than the forums. Right now it sounds like you need information more than anything else so that you can learn what is going on and what steps are necessary to recover a marriage. In addition, I highly recommend a book called "Torn Asunder" by Dave Carder. It is excellent and explains things from both a BS and WS perspective, as well as what each spouse needs to do in order to recover your marriage.
Read up also on the subject of Boundaries and Standards. These will also play a large role in your recovery.
Lastly, tell yourself that your "watchword" will be PATIENCE. It is going to take time to get your husband out of the fog, to go through withdrawal, and to begin recovering your marriage. The average length of time to recover a marriage is 2 years, so buckle up for the long haul and know that until your husband fully commits, the bulk of the "work" will fall on your shoulders. It isn't fair, but it is the way it happens for most of us.
Eventually he may need to change jobs if the OW will not be leaving. But one of them needs to change jobs (and the sooner the better), because there are precious few, if any, recoveries that are successful if the WS remains in any contact with the Other Person. That person needs to be out of your lives, totally and forever. It IS one of the consequences he will have to pay for his choice of "crossing the line."
God bless.
