Ali, hopefully sharing your experience will help others. I am not sure I would have been able to go on TV and talk about what my spouse has done. I think what she did is only between the two of us and I do not think others who are not professionals would be able to help in a meaningful way. I put myself in her position and I know I would feel terribly embarrased. The other factor that I had to take into consideration is that I would never want my children to know and lose their respect for their mother. I think a mother's image is sacred for any child and that should not be changed by third persons.

Best of luck to you.

Very Interesting post!

Is Oprah still chubby or not? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I just spoke of what I am feeling. I never mentioned his name. Not even my name. No one at his job knows and his new coworkers never met me. Just about where ever I go, and no exaggeration either, I am told or stopped to say I look like someone they know or if I am so & so. Ask my H. So if someone asks "Was it you on the Oprah show"? I can push it off! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> But seriously every one who knows me or us knows of the affair. Except for his office. Because I indeed exposed his affair. His office doesn't need to know about that. I did not want him to come along with me. I did not want us to be up on stage because we are not "healed". I just wanted some one to understand.... "Hey all you WS out there, this is what your SP will go through once you slip up and your A. is discovered." Or if one is thinking of having one, maybe they see someone on the other end and hopefully have an eye opener. That is just my hope.
Again, I am pretty generic. A face without a name sort to speak. A person in a crowd.
But the show is about a book written by Suzy Farbsman. Has it helped? I can say yes to somethings. Because I got to speak to live person who has been cheated on and has forgiven.
That of course was in the Green room though.

Why-me? Really, you would not tell your children of your W. infedility? My kids are way to young to know that Mommy went on TV for infedility.
I receive so many mixed signals about that topic. Should I tell the kids or not to tell when they are old enough? So many people say yes, and so many people say no. My father in-law cheated on his exwife. The kids found out many years later. Three out of the four children had cheated in their marriage. Funny all in biological order too! I mean that could be a clue right there??? But what does every one else think? No way would I bad mouth Daddy to them. In the end, I will be the one who looks bad and possibly be resented!!! And is it fair to them? But when they get older should I tell???? I am not sure!

Ali

<small>[ May 12, 2004, 08:30 PM: Message edited by: Ali88 ]</small>

Hey Bog!!!

Actually, she looks great! She is thin!

later!

Ali...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The joint agreement is something that that we never got around too. Maybe it could be the time? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Absolutely. Start behaving as a unit. Care for each other and about each other. Value the other person.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Nat, no, I do not have that perfect marriage yet. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No one does---perfect marriages don't exist in the real world. You're not looking for perfection, are you? Perfection is extremely difficult to live with. Are you expecting your husband to be perfect? He can't win if you have those expectations!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My husband is not a communicator. I like to talk. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is a very common gender difference. What is it you like to talk about? Can you talk with your girlfriends about things that are not marriage-related? That might help to fill your need to talk. No one person can meet another's needs completely, right?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> When we meet 16 years ago. He told me what he wants in his wife. He wanted someone with with a degree and worked in a high corporate office like he was going to do. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Forgive me, but you don't sound very compatible. You both knew how he felt and yet you still married? Did he know what your future career plans were when you married? If he did, why does he think he has a right to complain and criticize you now?!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He would go out with his "coworker friends" after work I worked about a mile and a half from him and he tell me that I wasn't professional enough to be seen that I might be an embarrasment to myself because I worked a retail job! He would then tell me that there is a lot of women that are really attracted to him and he would play on that. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This all just screams LOW SELF-ESTEEM. Is he in individual counselling? Try not to take any of this personally (hard I know!). This is about him-- not about your career choices!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Last night we had our MC. I told him a dark fear of mine and how I feel so insecure. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well good for you, Ali, for being brave enough to try to communicate your fears this way! I mean that!
What was his reaction when you expressed this fear to him? How did the counsellor respond?

Nat

Ali, I think I understand what you are saying. You only spoke of your experience and what you had to go through. I am not so sure that some of those who know you are not viewers of Oprah.

To answer your question about telling kids, my children are small. I do not think is healthy to expose them to that. One reason is that they may not understand why one of their parents would act that way. Adults who go through it do not understand it, much less children. I think those who say to tell the kids is that those are persons who are vindictive and they think they can get to their WSs by putting the kids against them or by creating a negative image of the other parent.

When you say that your husband's father was unfaithful also and that three out of the four children in his family had been unfaithful, I do not think it is biological or genetic. It has to do with the example they were given. That is what they saw and were exposed to it and their mother tolerated it. So, to them it is "just part of normal life". Their perspective of life was shaped by their home life.

Ali, I think I understand what you are saying. You only spoke of your experience and what you had to go through. I am not so sure that some of those who know you are not viewers of Oprah.

To answer your question about telling kids, my children are small. I do not think is healthy to expose them to that. One reason is that they may not understand why one of their parents would act that way. Adults who go through it do not understand it, much less children. I think those who say to tell the kids is that those are persons who are vindictive and they think they can get to their WSs by putting the kids against them or by creating a negative image of the other parent.

When you say that your husband's father was unfaithful also and that three out of the four children in his family had been unfaithful, I do not think it is biological or genetic. It has to do with the example they were given. That is what they saw and were exposed to it and their mother tolerated it. So, to them it is "just part of normal life". Their perspective of life was shaped by their home life.

I maintain that children are to be protected and it does not help them to have a negative view of their parents. As adults, the story may be different, but as children they need protection, security and if one adult acts in a stupid way, they should not have to suffer the consequences. Sometimes, adults act like children and when WSs act as they do they are being selfish and childish. They hurt and do not care who they hurt.

Exactly why would it be bad to exploit the WS as much as possible?

If a BS wants to let the world know what kind of person their spouse is, whats would be so bad about that?

Sounds like a new twist on accepting responsibility for your actions to me.

Exactly why would it be bad to exploit the WS as much as possible?

If a BS wants to let the world know what kind of person their spouse is, whats would be so bad about that?

Sounds like a new twist on accepting responsibility for your actions to me.

Are you serious???
I guess if you are not having any plans of staying married this would be o.k. I guess your spouse exploited your trust when their A was going on. Why not be fair and get a few jabs back and make them pay.

Maybe we should do a little exploiting for you. Didn't you say that you were thinking about having an revenge affair?
You said this:

"My WS can have her "great little EA and horrible PA" Mine will be the opposite."

Sounds like the words of a pretty mean and uncaring person.

Standing up and screaming what a low-life your philandering spouse is will not make them accountable for anything. Being accountable for your actions is all you have control over.

I may be having my RA, my WS will have to work hard to find out who, just like i did and then my WS can take a ride on my rollercoaster.

I may not be "nice", i consider myself realistic and fair though.

Some people dont mind being smacked, i dont like it. Rewarding the person who smacked you doesnt seem to compute in my mind. If i have to have 10 affairs to make me feel better i will.

Sorry to mess up your post, but im a bit upset today <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

You really should divorce your wife if that's really how you feel Bog. That's no way to live, and I mean it in the nicest way.

I am sooo confused d_rose! Did I miss something here??

Ali <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Ali88:
<strong> I am sooo confused d_rose! Did I miss something here??

Ali <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">probably not. That was actually directed towards Bog. I guess we kinda jacked your thread....sorry

I guess I should offer an apology to you about going on the show. I wouldn't go on the show but that is me. It looks like you did everything you could protect you and your husband's identity.


God bless

<small>[ May 14, 2004, 06:21 AM: Message edited by: d_rose ]</small>

Ali,

Have you confirmed if today is the day that your show airs? I checked the preview guide (DishNetwork), but all it said was "Series/Special" but then it had that for Oprah's shows everyday? Thanks in advance and I wish you continued blessing and success in the recovery of your M.

RH

I get Oprah e-mails, and I got one yesterday that said there is a show on infidelity today, May 14. I'm know I can't watch it -- kids home at that time -- but maybe I can record it. Good luck!

OK, I was only on for 45 seconds if that. I think they will use the rest of the tape for the next show. We had to do two shows because we ran out of time. Oprah went to yellow to a pink outfit. Wish I had could do that! Weird seeing my face on world wide tv. Especially the just got up look at 6:00 in the morning. It seems that it bothers me too so early in the morning. Anyone else??

Ali

Ali88 - first I want to say, good for you for sharing your experience. I see it as helpful to people who are going through similar experiences. Oprah does a good job of respecting everyone - you, your spouse and such, it's a far cry from Jerry Springer so those that feel you are betraying your spouse and love-busting can just hush. Oprah's got a class act show that is intent on helping people. I believe sharing experiences - good and bad can help people a great deal. If you're words can strike a cord or let someone else know they are not alone and helps them through whatever pain they are going through, than it was all worth it. I say, good for you. Don't let people here beat you up over it or make you feel bad.

And just an fyi, I got beat up by ForeverHers too once. I came on here last month. I was new to the board. I didn't share my whole story, just tiny bits and peices and simply asked for success stories. That's all I wanted. I wanted just a little boost and got some great stories that truly gave me a lift, but I had responses from two people that gave me unsolicited advice and had my problem and circumstance all figured out. Then they blamed me when I got upset because they jumped to conclusions with very little information. They told me their answeres were my fault because I didn't give them enough information. I was mystified by their behavior toward me. They couldn't share success stories like I asked, but they felt the need to tell me what my problem was. It's amazing how some people feel the need to point out faults and lecture. The reason I'm telling you all this is because ForeverHers was one of those two and he said quite a few similar things to me that he said to you - asking if I had God in my life and how he saw the anger coming through. When I read your post I was shocked at the similarities. It's kind of funny actually. So I just wanted to give you a heads up on that. Make of it what you will, but I find it best to ignore him completely.

Best of luck to you. I hope to catch this show this afternoon.

What a nice post hikchic. I didn't like the way foreverhers was posting to ali either. I also didn't want to tell her how to feel about it. When she apologized for jumping on him, I figured she was just a nicer person than I. I would have told him where to go... lol

thanks findingmywayback - I thought I was alone in my opinion after my initial contact with ForeverHers, but after seeing her go through the same thing I did, almost word for word, I had to speak up.

Thank you you two! It means a lot!

I really admire Oprah. She is a very generous person and does like to help others.

If I helped out one person then I did my job. This site is to help too. Sometimes people need an eye opener so they stop getting hurt or stop hurting themselves by being a professional door mat! But to be harsh to the point where it is degrading is something different. I am pretty tolerant. I will stand up for myself though. But I do admitt I went of a on a rampage. I still don't believe he knows our whole story. But what is said is done right now.

Ali <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />