I thought I would be okay today, but I'm not. I woke up this morning and my daughter and I had breakfast and then I let her open all of her gifts. She was so happy, but I felt like I was dying inside. I tried to be happy with her because I think one year olds can sense when something is wrong. But as I watched her play, I just started to cry. I can't stop. I can't. I been so strong and I feel as though I'm falling apart right now. I've gotten some invitations to have Christmas dinner with friends, but I don't want to be a party pooper. Why couldn't he be here today? WHY? I feel as though we are his least priority. The pain does feel unbearable. I've prayed and tried to encourage myself, but it's not working. Everyday, I have to put on a front as if I'm so happy when I'm not. I love God so much, but is it wrong to get mad at him sometimes? When will this be over? I'm tired of being in limbo. I want to know will I have to run this race alone? Or will I have my husband at my side. I'm tired of going everywhere alone and having to make excuses of why my husband is not accompanying me. My head hurts and i can't stop crying. My daughter brought me a pacifier. Can you believe that? I'm trying to gather some strngth from somewhere, but I feel so alone. I know God is with me, but I'm just not feeling it today.......<BR><P>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."

I know how you feel.....I'm crying too. The presents are open, but the one present I wanted so bad was not under the tree. He will be here at noon to pick up the girls for his visitation and he has them until 9:00pm. Who ever thought up these guidelines for visitation must not of been thinking of the children. No Christmas dinner with them, and to boot he had them for 4 days over Thanksgiving and I didn't see them for that holiday either. Then tomorrow he picks them up at noon for Christmas break and keeps them for 8 days. Boy will I be posting then. And he won't allow them to call me so I will be pretty lonely for 8 days. Christmas will never be the same for me or those beautiful girls. Like you, I believe their is a God, but what, is he too busy to listen and help me with my prayers? I sometimes feel that I must have been a horrible person somewhere for him to have not stopped all of this pain not only for me, but those innocent girls. Hope you have the strength to make it through today and know that there is someone just like you (me) out there feeling your pain.<BR>Nancy

Ah Jamie lee,<BR> I know how you feel. It's especially hard to make it this time of year isn't it? I had such expectations for at least a pleasant time and it's the same old stuff. Hang in there and it will soon be a new year. I'm sorry your having such a hard time today. Lora

Jamie-lee -- There is nothing wrong with how you feel. The anger is normal, the grief is normal. It's a horrible time and it is very tough to deal with.<P>Go ahead and cry. Get it out of your system for now so you can pull yourself together and try to make it an enjoyable day for you and your daughter. Rejoice in your daughter. Go to dinner with friends. Get out of the house where there are constant reminders of the ordeal you are going through.<P>The strength you seek is within you. Find it and use it and remember that we are here for you if you need it.<P>--DeWayne--

jamie-lee and Mental,<P>You two are feeling what I was feeling last night. Why are we going through this? Why is our H being so uncaring? How can he not want to be with us for Christmas?<P>Our kids are older, so there is no "santa". We will have dinner together at 8 pm tonight and open gifts. My H was invited more than once, but he won't come because the OW is visiting here and he is spending these holidays with her. He won't even come over to SEE the kids. I'm sure more than naything it is to keep their guil to a minimum.<P>I woke up this morning resolved to have a good Christmas. It is about so much more than having our H spend the day with us.<BR>Think of your children and spend the day thanking God for THEM, instead of lamenting your runaway H. That is what will sustain us through the day.<P>jamie-lee, try to muster the strength to go with your friends. Even though you will still be a party-pooper somewhat, you will probably feel better being around others who support and care about you. If you do decide to stay home, I will be on-line the entire day and ahppy to let you cry on my shoulder all you want. Who knows, maybe later I will want to cry on your shoulder. We can help each other. <P>Mental, I know it will be especially hard for you since you won't have the girls. That was me last night and why I felt so down. Nobody was here - all the boys were gone to girlfriends' houses, etc. I played music - Lynard Skynard and John Cougar blaring from the CD player, lit a fire in the fireplace and was on-line and then...worked some cross-word puzzles! How is that for a sad-@ss Christmas Eve???? But, this morning I woke up more determined and went to church and I've got the CD player going and doing some more cooking for tonight and here talking to dearest friends. You stay with jamie-lee and me and the others who will be here, too. We will help each other get through the day and enjoy the love of friendship....<P>Roll Me Away<BR><P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Jamie-lee,special dates are even harder when things are not at their best, and feeling angry and sad is quite normal, don't try to fight it, it will only make you feel worse.<BR>Limbo land is such a painfull stage.<BR>Hearthpain is right as usual, though,you should accept those invitations, get out of the house. It is very important to do things for ourselves at this point. THings that might make us feel just a tiny bit better, so we can recharge and be ready for whatever comes ( hopefully better things ).<BR>I know it fells like we're alone and powerless, but we're here for you and sending positive thoughts our way.<BR>A big hug to you and your daughter.<BR>kat<BR><P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

Thank all of you so much. I'm doing a little better, but it still hurts. I think watching my one year old playing with the boxes (after only playing with her toys for about 5 minutes) gave me a little laugh.<P>Mental: I feel your pain. I just don't understand how they can be so SELFISH!<P>Lora: Thanks for understanding.<P>Heartpain/Roll me Away/Kat1 : I think I will get out the house today. You guys are right. The more I sit here, the more depressed I feel. He hasn't even called though. It's like I'm just sitting here waiting for the phone to ring and hear his voice. I don't know why I still expect things from him, all I ever get is disappointed.<P>Thanks Guys, I'm sure I'll be back online again sometime today.<P>Hugs Right back at all of you...... <P><BR><P>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."