My situation just doesn't seem to get any easier.

All along through this ordeal, WW has said that if our M ends, it won't be due to the A. I actually believe this to some extent because of the problems we had before the A. Nothing abusive mind you, just that we had really grown apart. No passion, little sex, no intimate conversation: we were roommates and nothing more. None of her needs/my needs were being met for years (she says at least 5 years). Anyways, my eyes have been opened. 8 months ago, I never even heard of an emotional connection. Now, after all this sh*t, I truely believe I can meet Ws every need.

The problem is this: She won't let me in. The A has shown her exactly what she has been missing and wanting. It'sshown her just how much she has "fallen out of Love" with me. She says A is over;NC for at least 3 weeks (who knows?). She just doesn't know if she wants me to fill those needs. I had neglected her needs for SO long,I may never get the chance to "make good". She says for her to recommit, she would have to see me as a totally different person, which I think I am.

I asked her what she wanted out of MC and she said it might be better for both of us to talk to one person together (a positive) and that she may need someone to tell her that as far as our M is concerned, there is nothing left (big negative). I believe she's rediscovered her passion and is very affraid that if she recommits, she'll never get it back again, like she doesn't trust me to be a changed person.

Other stuff: When I called her to see how her day was going, she said "you never do that, it doesn't seem natural, almost fake". I did however get her to admit that she did still love me a little (that's why she's still here). I just can't believe we don't deserve another chance. Comments?? I just can't get to her heart

IGP,

Been there my friend. My lovely wife too said it because of the years of neglect (7). My wake up call came in the form of her telling me about her A. I learned real quick where my short comings were thanks to about an hour lecture on why I had made our marriage so terrible.

The changes I made, I made them quick and they seemed very trite and forced at first. Trying to change old habits requires effort. I didn't normally think about calling my lovely wife and saying hello. I had to make myself remember things. I set up reminders in outlook to send cards or call her uon the phone so I wouldn't forget.

She resisted these changes calling them just an act so we could stay married. She said after the OM coming back to me would be like going from college to kindergarden...ouch.

I think talking to the same counselor is a great idea. Alone at first and then together later. Even if your wife doesn't go, you keep going. Make the changes real for her to say. you are doing this as much for yourself(if not more) than for her.

She might not trust your changes are for real. She probably has good reasons...5 years worth. If you were like me your wife at some point hinted things were wrong but we couldn't pick up on it. We straightened up for a week or too, bought some flowers or a card and we thought that fixed it all.

Stay the course and be as sincere as you can.

God bless

InGreatPain, the "dilemna" that you are dealing with is the normal process that we all go through in recovering our marriage. At the point that you are both currently sitting, the future is filled with doubts and fears and uncertainty.

2 years ago, I basically felt it was "hopeless", my wife was in the throes of withdrawal and was in the "I care for you, but I'm not 'in-love' with you" syndrome that most WS's go through.

Today, 2 years later, I can tell that that the "passion" has returned and we are continuing to "work" on our recovery. We now "know" the things that we didn't know until the reality of the affair "forced" us to confront the marriage, our roles, our blunders, our concern for "self" more than our spouse. Awareness of Emotional Needs was nebulous before affair, but now we have a much better understanding of how integral they are to any successful marriage. That's why they are called Needs and not wants. It's sort of like knowing that some foods are good for you and some are not good for you. Some things you can "handle" and somethings cause a very bad "allergic reaction."

It takes commitment to the long term and a willingness to understand that if the small steps are taken "along the way" the desired outcome in the future will be achieved. It's like dating, in that no one knows the future for certain, but does things that are likely to result in the future condition that they think they would like to have.

Hang in there and help your wife to hang in there.

It will happen.

God bless.

D_Rose you wrote:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She might not trust your changes are for real. She probably has good reasons...5 years worth. If you were like me your wife at some point hinted things were wrong but we couldn't pick up on it. We straightened up for a week or too, bought some flowers or a card and we thought that fixed it all.

Stay the course and be as sincere as you can.

God bless

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If I had gotten to this post before you.....I could NOT have said it this good!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> This is exact thought I had!! T-R-U-S-T.......my H thought my "changes" were going to be short-lived too! 7 mos. now and my changes are still in place......and my H trusts that they are real!! Hang in there!!

Atruheart and Forverhers....thanks for the responses. However, another set back. After telling me that she was in NC mode with OM, I asked her again last night if she had talked to him. She told me yes. Two weeks ago, she found OMs homephone number in my car while I was contemplating calling OMW. W called OM to tell him what I was up to.

Since then, I have called OMs house, trying to get ahold of his wife (during working hours since I thought she was a stay-at-home mom, she's not). I never got ahold of her but my work number showed up on their caller ID. OM called my W (Contact number 2) and asked where I worked. W confirmed that it was me calling their home. Now this gets strange. OM says he wants to call me to tell me that the A is over. W tells him no. Seems to me that OM is trying to head me off at the pass so to speak. My W has also been snooping quite a bit lately (my dresser, car, etc) and found the exposure letter I wrote TO OMW but never sent.

Anyways, I liked your responses. I guess I have some exposing to do before we can take the next step. Do you agree???

InGreatPain,

Have you read this post on the General Questions II Forum?

Affair Exposure 101 By WAT

Lots of very useful information in that post for you as you consider this possible next step....