Hi everyone,
Thanks to the help of many of you, I am currently in recovery after finding out about my H's affair on 3/7. The A lasted from 5/03 to 2/04 with a 23 yr old co-worker. I am 30 and my H is 35; we have no children. Married 7 yrs, together 12. I am doing so much better now but I still have my moments. I can't believe d-day was only 9 wks ago. But there are still major problems with my H.
He has been quite committed to our marriage, but I'm suspecting he is going through some type of post-traumatic stress thing. As of d-day, 3/7, he cut all contact w/ OW. This no contact lasted for 4 wks and in early April he started emailing her again. Luckily for me, the OW called me and forwarded all the emails to me. She said she does not want anything to do w/ my H and to get him to leave her alone. The emails he wrote her were not romantic. They were telling her that the A was wrong and he would never hurt me again, but that he wanted them to be platonic friends and that he will always love her as a friend. Who knows what to believe! I thanked her and confronted him. That was 4/17 and he has not contacted her since. At this point, it's scary that I can trust the OW more than my own H.
In the meantime, I have been working on forgiveness, not for anyone but myself because harboring the hate and anger eats away at me, not the OW or my H. So a few days ago, I sent the OW a heartfelt email. I explained how she hurt me, told her I hope she doesn't hurt any others and in the end of this 3 page email, I told her I forgive her. It was very freeing and I felt the weight of the world was lifted off me. I showed my H the email and he was telling me over and over how proud and impressed he was by my actions; that I am a bigger person than he could ever be. She responded back with 2 sentences thanking me for the email, but never apologized. It didn't matter to me because I felt so much better just having forgiven. I consider my dealings with her a closed case.
I had a great few days until last night. My H sat down with me and said he thinks I should email or call the OW back. I asked why and he said because he wants her to "become a better person." HELLO! Pot calling kettle black! After dragging out what he was really getting to, he told me that in his heart he believes that one day the OW and I will become friends and that we will all come out better people from this experience. When I flipped out at this ludicrous suggestion, he said I really hadn't forgiven her. I told him he was deranged for thinking that after his pathetic infidelity, to think that in the end he gets his devoted wife in his life along with his prior mistress to have as a friend. He actually is delusional and believes that this is the way things are supposed to end, and he feels that wanting both his wife and this OW as a friend are wonderful things. Well, I told him he already got to have his cake and eat it too and only over my dead body would that ever happen again. Where does he get off thinking that he even deserves a scenario like that?!!
I am wondering if this is some type of delusional, post-traumatic stress related thing. Or is he just still a liar and cheat? He refuses to go to therapy and I have no one to turn to because I have kept this entire traumatic event a secret to friends and family. If anyone can help me...
