Where to begin... I am 37 weeks pregnant with my third child. My H and I have been married for 7 years. He has been very distant and leaving the house and not coming home until 1:00 am. I confronted him after receiving a cell phone bill where a number that I did'nt recognize was noticed. He was calling several times a day talking for more than 30 mins at a time. He fessed up that he had met someone else but they were just friends. It had not gone any further than that. He says that he does have feelings for her and she the same but they have not acted. I gave him the option to work out our problems with marriage counseling and he had to stop seeing her. He agreed. He called her the next night and broke things off. He acted like he was dying. I felt so betrayed. After that we seemed to be getting along ok. However the next night he stayed out til 2:00 a.m. I called her at 1:00 a.m. I was told she was not at home. She called my husband the next day and he told her that he did not want to end his contact with her. I'm at a loss. He tells me that he feels no love for me. He doesn't know if he loves her... and he hasn't left me yet. (Not sure if it is just because I'm pregnant)I told him that I was not giving up on our marriage or our family. That I was going to fight for us. He has agreed to do counseling with me and we had our first session Monday. The counselor told me that I had a lot invested in this marriage and I wasn't "stupid" for trying to save it. H has also agreed to go back... but he isn't sure what he wants. He seems to have hit rock bottom. I've been reading "Surviving an Affair" and find myself in Plan A. I haven't exactly selected a date however I have been very supportive of him by not asking questions of his whereabouts, whether or not he is talking to her, etc. No pressure or angry outbursts. His family knows and they are really putting the pressure on him to make the right decision and try to work things out with me and break it off with her. I think that it is helping a little. I just keep reminding him that I love him and that I'm there for him when he is ready. I'm not sure how long I can keep it up. It's hard. His family has been very supportive of me hanging in there. The thing that I don't understand is how he can choose a woman that he just started talking too 4 weeks ago over his marriage and children? He has stopped telling me that he loves me now too. It hurts so much. I'm a christian and I took my vows to him seriously. I don't want our children to grow up in a broken home. I truly believe that if he would be willing to try he could find love for me again and I could trust him. Help... I need to know that I'm doing the right thing.

Welcome to marriage builders. Glad you made it here. First I would like you to jump over to the General Questions forum. See if you can find Durhams post.

Unfortunately infidelity is very common during pregnancy. I don't know the reason. But please check out Durham's posts. We have quite a few expectant moms here. Hopefully you can all stick together.

PLease hang in there....although I'm not pregnant, I'm almost in exactly the same situation you are in...and I also have two small kids. I'm in plan A too , and it's the hardest, and at times the most unrewarding thing I have ever done. BUT I BELIEVE IT IS WORKING. My husband also told me that this OW (who he had known for 2-3 weeks) was the real one meant for him, apparently overlooking the 8 years of marriage that we had shared. Please keep posting, and I will be thinking of you.

Betrayed Wife,

Welcome and I am so sorry you are in this place. I am 26 weeks pregnant. I discovered the A 2 months ago. I did a great plan A for a month until H decided he still wanted to see the OW. I then went to plan B and have been there for a little over two weeks.
It was awful to do Plan A for me as he went back and fourth and also felt pressure from friends and family.
What I have realized is that I have to work on me and forget about him and his A. It is an addiction and for my H he is still in it.
I would plan A as long as you can but know that you only have a few weeks until the baby comes. I would focus all of your energy on the baby and youself. I know that is hard but you need to know that you can survive without him. You don't think you can right now but you do not need someone to complete you.
Everything will play out in time and unfortunately all you can be is patient. Each day will get easier. Keep posting and reading. It helps me tremendously to understand the A. It is not our fault.
If after you have the baby you feel really bad I would recommend looking into AntiD's. My doctor put me on Zoloft which is completely safe for pregnancy and also breastfeeding. I am on a low dose and it took two weeks to kick in. It doesn't take away the pain but keeps you from hitting bad highs and lows. Just a thought. Let me know if you have further questions. I am on the General Questions board.

Dear Betrayed Wife,

Im so sorry your here with us! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Especially during your pregnancy...but if it helps at all my H's A was 5 weeks and the OW had his head spinning too! That was after 23yrs. of M!

I multiplied 23X52 and came out with a HUGE figure! ONE THOUSAND ONE HUNDRED AND NINTYTWO to be exact!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Then wrote the number 5 and the 1,192 on a piece of paper for H to look at! It really was an EYE opener for him! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Anyhow what I am trying to tell you is there is NO comparison no matter how he thinks he's feeling today. You have a history together. A family together and a baby on the way!!

I would plan A the heck out of him!!!! Make him feel so darn special and cared for and loved he doesn't know which way is up or down! OW is surely going to show her "real self" once the new baby arrives!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> and I will bet if you plan A your heart out~~~when the real OW comes out with the jealousy YOU know she's going to exhibit over NEW baby....H is going to re-think what he is doing!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hang in there kiddo
and take care of yourself and
that little babie in your tummy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Blessings,
Atruheart <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />
P.S. My pastor prayed with me about my H before even D/D....while I still "just felt something was going on" and his prayer was this!!!

Lord, we just pray that you give H NO PEACE accept thru you!!

And it worked......he was so miserable...he had to come clean with the truth.

Now .......he is more Peaceful than I have ever seen him in in almost 24 yrs!!!!

Thank you all for posting so quickly. I feel much better. I just found out about the A two weeks ago today. I didn't realize that I have been in plan A for a couple of days. However it feels like we are aleady separated. He comes home from work, plays with the c and leaves and doesn't come home until after midnight. I have not called or hounded him of where he might be. But his parents have. He says that he stays at a friends house, bowling... whatever. I don't ask. I also stopped asking when he talks to her. Today he told me that he has not seen or talked to her since Monday. I find that hard to believe. It is now 4:30 a.m. and just came in about 30 mins ago. I told him that it was not fair to me or the girls that he comes in so late at night and that if he truly felt like he couldn't come home I would much rather him go to his parents house and spend the night. He doesn't want to go there because he says they will fight with him. I'm seriously thinking that I need to start pb. Maybe it will jerk some reality in him when he can't come to the hospital when his child is born. I don't know. Is is too soon to implement b? We just started counseling and our next session is suppose to be together Monday. Also, our daughter has a dance recital in a month. I wouldn't want to stop him from supporting her. I felt like the thread just broke and I need to be tougher. Why should he have the best of both worlds? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

It is too early for Plan B. Usually Plan A is advised for a couple of months. I know it doesn't seem fair, but that is how to get him back to the marriage.

Keep reading here and stick with us. You will get the hang of it. Your husband is like an addict right now, but that can change. I don't know why they do these things while the wife is pregnant, but it happens all the time. Talk about bad timing.

Are you able to sleep and eat and take care of yourself? That is what you need to concentrate on for the next few weeks.

It is great that his parents support the marriage. That will really help. Is the OW married?

I lost 10 pounds in a week. I able to sleep better and I make myself eat. I've been feeling depressed. I spoke to my doctor about it and she said that she didn't feel that I was ready for Meds that I'm going through normal stressors. But after the baby if it gets worse she will consider it.

The OW is divorced with two children. Her x doesn't have anything to do with the children. Seems to me that she is looking for a daddy. Thats what I don't understand about my husband. He is really stressed about this third child. He says that he didn't want her (she's a girl). But he is willing to leave me and his children for her and her kids. I don't believe he has fully thought about what would happen if he did leave to be with her. I asked him if he was ready to be a father to her children too and he responded yes. He is in such a fog. If he leaves he will have to pay child support for three children and he doesn't realize just how much that will be. I have been a stay at home mom since my second child was born 22 months ago. He thinks that the only reason that I have not left is becuase he is my sole support right now. I'm stuck. I won't be able to go back to work fulltime until end of July or August. I plan on it whether or not we are together. I told him I needed to do it for myself. I need to feel that I can support my children.

Here is Cerri's definition of Plan A. Make sure you set a time limit. If at the time your Plan A is up and your WS hasn't decided, it's time for Plan B.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Plan A is not (repeat NOT) about making the WS happy, or feeling good.

Plan A is NOT, contrary to popular (and very incorrect opinion), about "making yourself a better person," or "working on yourself."

Plan A is ALL ABOUT the straying spouse. In Willard Harely's ever brilliant words, Plan A is a stategy to end the affair and to entice the straying spouse to reconsider the marriage.

So, it has several elements that should be done at the same time.

First is to eliminate LBers and to meet needs as best you can... recognizing that the unfaithful mate may not allow the betrayed partner to meet needs.

Second is to CONFRONT the unfaithful partner with what you know. Doing so (of course) in a way that is respectful and about you... how you feel, how you are affected by the affair.

Third is to expose the affair to the scrutiny of the world. The lover's spouse or s/o, coworkers, family, friends, church family, children, etc.

ALL OF THAT is Plan A. And it should be done as much as possible simultaneously. (If you don't believe me call the radio show Mondays and Thursdays at 1pm Central Time and ask Dr. Harley for yourself.)

Plan A must have a deadline. It's called Plan "A" because there is a second step... aptly named Plan "B." Willard Harley suggests a max of 6 months for men and 3 months for women before going to the next step. If Plan A hasn't worked in that time, it's not going to.

(I challenge you to find anyone who has done Plan A longer than that and been successful. I define successful as the A ending, n/c promised and verified, and the couple working a good recovery plan which includes meeting needs, eliminating LBers, getting in 15 hours a week of UAT, and most importantly following POJA.)
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">HTH,

Regina

<small>[ May 15, 2004, 09:31 AM: Message edited by: ReginaSYMC ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I lost 10 pounds in a week. I able to sleep better and I make myself eat. I've been feeling depressed. I spoke to my doctor about it and she said that she didn't feel that I was ready for Meds that I'm going through normal stressors. But after the baby if it gets worse she will consider it.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">B_W,

I'm really sorry you are here under these circumstances and in your "condition." I can't even imagine... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I'm really glad you are able to make yourself sleep and eat. This is great stuff for the pregnant body.

I'd like to ask you a few questions:

1. How's your water intake? Water is essential to a pregnant body, but even without being pregnant, it aids in the feelings of depression because it is the medium for almost all of the body's chemical reactions, including those that make us feel good, or better.

2. How's your carb intake? Are you able to take in whole grain carbs, in the most complete form possible (iow, how intact is the hull)? Are you eliminating sugary and refined foods? Do you intake caffeine? Fruits and vegetables are a must, as well (as everyone seems to know <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ).

3. What about your multi-vit? Are you able to take one? If not, my prego SIL has been taking Juice Plus+, in place of a multi-vit. This is not a recommendation, but an option you might consider.

4. Are you able to get in a bit of exercise? If not exercise, some other activity that will help you have a mental break from all the stressors in your life right now?

Regina

Hmmm. I don't think I would worry about going back to work just yet. WH will probably be back, once he gets a good taste of OW and her children.

Just work on taking care of you, your home, and children. If you can't take anti-D's right now, try walking. It builds up the good brain chemicals.

I talked to my ML tonight and she also spoke to him about taking care of her children... he responded that they would have three incomes. His, hers and her child support. I guess it didn't cross his mind that he's going to have to pay for his kids or maybe he is living in a fantasy that she will be their mother? Not sure. I didn't get to finish conversation with ML becuase children came into the room. She has been talking to him quite a bit. She said that in recent conversations that she feels he is leaning more towards staying and working it out with me then he was a week ago. I don't know... he gives me enough to hang on and then tells me the opposite. Such a roller coaster. Tomorrow we have our second meeting with the counselor. Hopefully all will go well.