Grrr...am I ever going to have a life that doesn't involve this woman?<P>As I posted last week, H is convinced he's gong to get fired from his job. He's working himself into a real state about it. His boss knows nothing about what he does, and there's not an IS Manager in the world who'd agree to some of the things this guy wants him to do. <P>Problem is, if it happens, it'll be three job losses in a year, and a full year since he has decent references.<P>And she is one of them.<P>I probably shouldn't have done this, but I mentioned that perhaps his friend who referred him might have enlightened him a bit as to what this guy was like. Well. He was not at all happy about that. He did not fly completely off the handle the way he would have a couple of months ago, and two minutes later it SEEMED to be over (although with him, you never know, because he sits on things), but still....<P>Why does he defend her all the time? Why doesn't he ever stand up for ME and what I want and what I think? Why doesn't my opinion matter? Why doesn't the fact that I stick by him every time he loses a job matter? The only thing that matters is "friendship" with OW.<P>I am not looking forward to dealing with this again. I am trying to take one day at a time. I fear mightily that she will offer him a job with his company and that he'll take it because he's afraid he really IS incompetent.<P>I can't deal with that. I just can't. <P>Am I crazy? I have no way of knowing whether he's had a physical affair with her; all I know is that he's seemed far to close emotionally, if nothing else, and that she's tried mightily to psych me out.<P>If this happens, do I have a right to say, "I can't deal with that?" How much of this do I have to take before saying "enough"? <P>Is this all in my head?

You sounded so much like me, I just had to step in.....<P>Is it all in your head, I question that everyday. I think NOT, but still you question. I've always relied very heavily on my intution, but lately it's hard to listen to it, as it tell me things I don't (or can't) deal with.<P>This forum is a mind-saver.....a place to vent, to question, without angry outbursts, with love-busting and without causing your spouse to withdrawl. This is what I've found here. You see my H wants to just put it all away, no more questions, etc......And for now I've agreed. But I still have the need to know, the need to feel this anger.....to sort throug what I'm feeling.<P>Just last night, out of the blue, my daughter tells me "Mom, stop worrying about me and my brother......stop worrying about dad.....you need to only think about what is right for you.....If you're happy, brother and I will handle whatever comes along." "Dad is a big boy, and if the worse happens for him, he'll handle it too."<P>She knows about the affair her father had (has), she doesn't appear to be angry with him, just concerned for me. My son hasn't been told anything. My daughter seems to sense (intution maybe?) that things are happening again........<P>Anyway, sorry I got off track.....my point is that this is a great place to vent, and ask questions, this place and all the wonderful people here are a safety net....<P>I'll be thinking of you!

Hi Dazed and Confused,<P>I have been following your posts. I know how you feel. I feel like I should have a lot of t-shirts that say been there done that. <P>Tony is not so much loosing jobs. He has the same one...at his parent's. I really hate that. The one of the OW lived in he next town over and of course his family makes excuses and helped him see her. How nice of them. But the one thing your H and mine have in common is they are both babies and need to really grow up. (well not really sure about your's but mine does). <P>I would need one of those industrail logging saws to cut Tony's apron-ties to his mom. I guess what I am saying is well I have started to make up my own rules. I have mixed Marriage Builders guides in with Tough Love. <BR>I have reached the point of where he ships up or moves out. He knows it. If you really do not feel you can go through this one more time than tell him. Tell him everything. I think a good measure of honesty goes a long way.<P>Tony would throw fits...I mean my neice and nephew never acted like a brat and Tony does when he does not get his way. I point blank told him one night when he was trowing stuff around that though it may have been acceptable to do this in his parent's house it was not in mine. I then informed him that he created this mess and he could clean it up. I was not just refering to the stuff on the floor I also ment his affairs and his ill treatment of me.<P>We are in therapy and the therapist knows of the one more screw-up and you are out the door. I have dealt with Tony's trash for two years and I am more important.<P>As I said you know your H better. But Tony is 24 and should start acting like and adult and taking responability for his actions not a selfish two year old brat. <P>You want this woman out of your life you should tell him. I really do believe that an honest relationship is better than wondering. Telling him how you feel and what you need is not a love buster. Also use the policy of Joint agreement...try to have him stay in the job for at least a year and than find anouther one at a different company than with the OW. I am in the computer industry as well and there are a lot of jobs out there. He should also probably go to therapy to see why he is so self distructive. Also could he talk to his boss? I mean go to him and ask for a review of his performance. I do this all the time. It is a great insight to see how I am precieved in the work place and where I need to work on my skills. <P>Let me know what you think. Just some ideas of what I am doing. : ) Hope you are not offended.

Not offended at all. Well, my H is 44 and yes, he too should grow up. But I can't really force that, now, can I?<P>Yes, H needs therapy to determine why he's so self destructive. No argument there. But he is unwilling to do so, and a person who doesn't want therapy is not going to derive any benefit from it.<P>He doesn't want to have to leave this job. I think he really wants to put in a year, just so he's got something decent on his resume. His boss is nuts. He knows nothing about technology, and assumes that if a 40MB porno movie file can't fit through an analog phone line, it's because my H is incompetent. (And the boss has no objection to people using company equipment for this, either).<P>I don't think this guy will fire my H; I think he's just a blustering moron, and that this too shall pass. But H is stressed all the time, and one can only live with such fear for so long without it becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.<P>I have no idea to what extent he's still in touch with OW. Her company is a vendor to his, and they still do business together, so I expect there's some contact. If he sees her, I have no idea when, because he's home every night and she works too far away for them to be meeting at my house. Besides, I have neighbors who work varying shifts, and believe me, if he was bringing a woman to the house, someone would tell me. <P>For all I know, it's not an issue anymore. But because he was never honest with me about her in the first place, I have no way of knowing what's going on. <P>The last time I saw her was at our BBQ in June, when he didn't talk to any of our other guests except his ex-co-workers, he took her up to our bedroom to see our cats, and he walked her to her car. She doesn't call the house, unless she does it before I get home. Last month was the first time in a year that there were ZERO messages to her number from my home phone.<P>I have been visualizing how I would have this discussion with him. I think I'm strong enough to do it without crying; at least I hope so. That always sets him off; he says it's manipulative. I just want him to take my feelings into consideration for once.<P>He and I are both conflict avoiders, so we both tend to stew. However, I have been spending $320 a month on therapy to deal with his [expletive deleted] "friendship" and I will NOT tolerate him working for her. If he wants to leave, he can. No other woman is going to give him what I do. No other woman in the world is going to set all of her own needs aside so shower him with affection 24 hours a day; put up with not be able to plan anything because you never know how long he'll be employed; not ever have him tell you how much he appreciates what you do for him.<P>Hey! Why am I putting up with it?