It has been awhile since my last post and things have been chugging along. They almost came to a screeching halt the week before Mother's Day. I had discovered through a mutual friend that my WH was still in communication with the OW. They work together but we agreed, (or so I thought) that there would be no contact of any kind. Well...I was told she moved her table next to him and stood next to him all night. When I confronted my H, he blew me off and said it was no big deal. (I hate that phrase) He then tried to convince me with fake tears that he was still being true to me. I knew in my spirit he was lying. He kept telling me how he was coming home to me. But I knew he was still calling her almost daily. (We shared a cell phone). Then all of a sudden my H jumped up and said he needed to get a cell phone of his own, so I could get ahold of him. There was never a problem in getting ahold of him. I knew he was getting it so he could talk to her free and clear. I found out days later that he had given her the new number and they were calling each other regularly. I happened to check my H's phone, something I felt entitled to do as his W, and discovered calls back and forth. I also listened to a message she had left for him just an hour before. I called the OW and asked her why she was still talking to my H. She claimed she didn't know. She lied. She told me to get him on the phone and I did. He tried to act like he didn't know what was going on, but he did. Told me I had no right to check his phone. Said it was all my fault. After talking for almost an hour and also discovering he had not hung up and the OW had heard most of the conversation, he suddenly had to run out to the store. Upon his return, all calls had been erased from his phone. But I did find out the time of his last call and that it had lasted 40 minutes, the total time he had been gone. That night I went to where she worked and confronted her. She told me things about my life that only my H knew. I was sick inside. H was home sleeping like a baby. That next morning OW came to my house and all hell broke loose. H yelling at us both, children in the house trying to figure out what was going on. I left, took the baby and left the older boys to get ready and go to school. (Had to go into work). OW stayed there for another hour creating a huge scene outside of our home. Before my children left for school, she finally went home. I stayed away from house until my H went to work that afternoon. H very mad at me. H had packed and stated he was leaving when I had talked to him earlier. I was fine with this. Couldn't handle anymore. When I came home I sopent the time in serious prayer on my knees. Called my prayer warriors and started them praying. Later that evening I didn't feel so good and drove myself to urgent care. Ended up in the hospital with doctor's thinking I may have had a mild heart attack. I didn't but my blood pressure was near stroke level. H was there with me. I had called to tell him I was going to urgent care and he met me there. H very apologetic, promising to do better and make marriage work. I wanted to believe him. Needed to believe him. Spent the night in hospital. On Mother's Day I felt uncomfortable, somthing stirring in my spirit again. I knew he had called her. Asked him about it when he came home from work. Of course he denied it. I even told him I would understand if he had called. He still denied. The next morning, I check his phone and found he had spoken to her for 15 minutes. Asked him again, still says no. Next day I called OW and she admitted he had called but said conversation was short. Lies, all lies. Gave him another chance to come clean. He lied again. Wonder if he's trying to "protect" me from the truth. I can handle the truth better than a lie but he doesn't get that yet. H went and changed his cell number without me asking, has stepped up his efforts at home, calls more frequently now, takes me out on Friday nites. I still don't trust him. He says I can check his phone whenever I feel like it. Have only checked twice in one week. Haven't really felt the need to check more than that. I am trying to make this work. Had my doctor put me on antidepressants so I can get through the day. Am behind at work, have trouble concentrating and my blood pressure is still a problem at this stage. H suggested we go for walks in the morning together and start our day off right. H is now praying, something I haven't heard him do in several months. Some days are truly hard, but others go by as if nothing ever happened. Not sure what phase we're in, but am trying to go with the flow. I want him to tell his parents what he did, even though they already know. I feel he needs to be held accountable. Am I wrong? If he feels that nobody knows, he feels he got away with it and it's "no big deal". He's big on others accepting responsibility for their actions and groveling for what they did. I don't need groveling, but a better show of remorse would be nice.

I feel the same way about "getting away with it" syndrome. My counselor asked me if I didn't think his living with his actions day in and day out were not punishment enough. I am so glad your husband is turning more toward God. I thought my husband had to tell his family too in order to make him suffer......several people here pointed out that it is none of their business and basically we need to work through it. He has to commit to you to have no contact rule. I still check up on my husband due to fear of him still lieing as you have said yours was doing.....he swears there is no contact which i find so hard to believe because of how much there was b4. I will write more later have to go to work......get him to agree to the basic concepts if he really is "done" w/the A

Another really important thing you must do is allow time for yourself and ask for help. We women think we have to do it all. If you have someone you can confide in, it is extremely helpful to talk to that person and and ask for help if you need it. We have had the biggest breach of trust ever. We must realize to "heal ourselves" first. Last nite I looked up passages in the bible that deal with anger, bitterness, forgiveness, adultry and there were so many conforting things I found. One was to ask God to help to only keep pure and loving thoughts in my heart and to help turn over the pain, suffering and hatred to him to deal with. Love and care for yourself, it is of utmost importance!

I agree. And start in Plan A. You can read all about it in this forum under the "General Welcome to All New Builders" thread. Stick with us, we will help you through this.

Thank you all for posting replies. They were very encouraging to wake up to this morning. Had a rough night...unable to sleep well after H and I were intimate. I keep wondering if he touched her the way he touches me. After 10 years of marriage, H really hasn't changed his technique. I am really struggling with this, but afraid to turn down any chance at intimacy since there wasn't much of that before. (I have the higher libido, H was okay with 1-2x a month). Don't know if I feel like I have to prove myself sometimes or if I just really need the closeness. I know he told her that we were no longer intimate when he was with her and even told her after I found out that we still were not intimate. That was a lie. Two liars + one broken heart = big time insecurity. Still doing all of the things I need to do for myelf like quiet time in the mornings, excercise, putting on makeup, bought new clothes for mother's day. I'm getting so much attention from outside of the home that it is unreal. H notices too, but when he says something nice about how I look, I feel like he's lying. He tells me I have always been beautiful to him. Hard to believe him now. I think H thinks just because I have quieted down, this whole mess is behind us. It is not. It stares me in the face daily. Sometimes I can't even bare to look at him. Wish we could move away everyday. Supposed to move to Florida this summer but H's A postponed that. Instead of H taking care of responsibilities at home, he was out running around with her. Now we can't move until the end of the year. Everyday I pray for God to get us through this and move us sooner. I can't stand it anymore. OW goes to school around the corner from my office. She works just three miles from our home. I wish I could make her go away. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

spend the 2 hours a nite of undivided attention with each other cuddling, talking, etc., tell your husband everything you feel, cry and let it out.........specifically ask him the questions you are asking here, "why are you still lying", "how can we make it work on lies" make him agree to reading radical honesty concept & undivided attention if he wants to stay together, let him know what you need and hold him accountable, I can't imagine being next to the other woman all the time....do not allow her to get the upper hand by letting her see you struggle. I stay strong all day long for everyone else and for my marriage and let it all out during our 2 hrs a nite. My counselor said make sure you set aside some time each day to feel the feelings, don't deny them. You are typing them here, which is in a form of writing them, this is one way to let it out. Keep reading these support forums it helped me to know there are others going through the same thing. Read the prayer ones especially. Take a day off and send baby to sitter and spend the whole day sifting through everything....ask yourself what do you want out of this...follow the basic concepts 100%. If you truely love each other, you will make it work.....best wishes....sending you wishes for a soft heart

I may have missed this point but, have you exposed the A to parents and friends? If you haven't you should do so ASAP!

I feel for you, this must be awful. As hard as this may be, you need to look after yourself first. Nothing will matter if you are in ill health. You need your energy and good health for the upcoming struggle to save your M. Sometimes, placing yourself first means placing your M second.

Something you need to recognize is that trust is rebuilt by the WH's actions and not his words. He needs to prove he is trustworthy. He needs to prove he is worthy of safekeeping your heart. He needs to prove that what you needs and your feelings are 10000000x more important than the OW's.

His desire for privacy and his defensiveness are HUGE red flags. The fact that he allowed the OW into your home and let her rant and rave is very telling as to where his priorities lay. Until he realizes that he can't have both he will continue to act this way. You need to protect yourself and your kids form both WH and OW. How dare she come and wxpose your kids to her venom!! How dare your WH allow his kids to be exposed to that cr*p!! Protect yourself and protect your kids.

In case you haven't done so already, take the extra step in protecting your health by getting checked for STD's.

When the OW came to our home, she stayed outside in front of the house ranting and raving. My children remained safely inside. They did hear her yelling but were unsure of just what she was saying. My oldest told me when he came home from school that my WH kept telling her to go away and stop bothering them. My son asked why she was there. I told him that she was a woman who liked Daddy and was trying to take Mommy's place. My son is 9 years old and has suspected something was wrong for as long as I have. I won't lie to him...he has his father for that. (Sorry, just a little *****y today). I've been to the doctor and checked out fine so far. Just have to keep my blood pressure in check...now on two medications and an antidepressant. Hate it. I want a normal life but don't know what that is anymore. The anitdepressant helps alot, keeps me from crying all of the time and helps me think clearer. But there is still alot of work to be done and it seems like I'm the one doing it all. Would like to see TREMENDOUS effort from my WH...but... I still say I would like to see him grovel for awhile. I don't LB and adhere to the HNHN concepts daily, hourly. At his request, wrote down what I needed from him and even what I wanted. He read some of it and then part of my journal. Did some things for me for about a week and then after reading my journal, got pissed and slowed down his efforts. Thought about a revenge A but realized no one would probably want me the way I am feeling these days. Have trouble looking people in the eyes, avoid crowds more and talk less...the exact opposite of who I was. Some days I just want to walk away. I hate rollercoasters! I want off this ride. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Recovery takes time and hard work. Your WH can't fix this in a week or two of trying hard. We're talking years of hard work. As well, the hard work can't begin if he still has contact with OW. He won't be motivated to try if he still has contact with the OW.

It doesn't matter if the OW was outside and the kids inside. She and WH, obviously don't care about anyone but themselves and have involved innocent kids in this mess. Unacceptable!! Your kids need to be protected from this, you need to be protected from this.

You need some boundaries. WH won't protect you and the kids. Therefore, it's up to you. No child needs memories like the ones that are being created for your kids by WH at this point.

For as far as I know, the last contact WH had with OW was on Mother's Day morning at 5:00 am thru a phone call, of which he denies and she confirms. Since then, according to him, he left a message on her cell phone instructing her to change her number and never contact him again. This occurred just days after my doctor suspected I may have suffered a very mild stroke. (Have since been feeling better and regained total use of left side). I wonder if it was guilt that led him to do this because I collapsed in front of him (the day after Mother's Day). I wish I truly knew what he was thinking some days. How do I get him to open up to me like he so easily opened up to OW? I repeat, I don't LB and am doing the HNHN to death. I'm in limbo here. What next? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />