Betrayed Husband - A proper response to you should take more time than I have this morning, but I'll try to the best that I can before I have to leave for work.

From your previous JKE thread:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My wife and I were married a month before I left and I was gone for seven months. We had our problems, typical first year problems in dealing with the new marriage I guess.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Suffice it to say that leaving after just one month (a sort of abandonment in itself) was not good. In the first year of marriage it is critical to "leave and cleave" to a spouse. You both are going through some very big changes, especially in the "independent" action arena. That first year is the time to get to know each other, to depend on each other, to grow in "one flesh", etc.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">However, I let my best friend who was deployed with me stay at my house, as his family, wife and newborn son were in another state.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This, again, is part of the "leave and cleave" thing. Besides being overly trusting of someone, you are probably a very nice guy, always thinking the best of others. I am a bit confused, though, in that this statement seems to indicate that you were both deployed at the same time. Were the 3 of you living in the same house at the same time?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To make a very long story short, they slept together, everyone at work knows about it and she finally confessed after lying for a couple of months.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If it's any comfort, the Betrayed Spouse is usually the last to "find out." The lies are "normal fare" for adultery and something that we all deal with until later in recovery. But I suspect that the "bigger" problem for you is the mental thoughts and feelings of humiliation. You have to understand that the "problem" is not you, it was your wife's and (hopefully permanently) ex-"best friend" immature and selfish decision making. To put it another way, would you want someone in your unit "covering your back" who left the fight when he "wanted to"?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Despite all of our problems and her infidelity, despite me asking the Lord for strength and guidance, I can't seem to get the image of my best friend with my wife out of my head.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay, this part may be hard for you, but try to bear with me on this one. I understand the "mental movies" as my wife played a "starring role" in them with her OM for scores of times over the course of her 6 year affair. The "movies" are crushing. They are normal. There is no easy way to deal with them. They are, at best, endured. They are not based on fantasy, but on fact. They did occur. Of course, we also tend to "embelish" them and add in all sorts of imaginings of how "great" it was for them. The truth is usually far less intense. I can well remember having to pull the car over and cry uncontollably for a while before I could manage to "pull myself together." This IS how a lot of it goes during the early stages after discovery and after recovery begins.

But also know this, the intensity does fade. As you get further down the road of recovery, they become "easier" to deal with and to put into some dark closet in your mind. They don't "control" you or your actions. As time passes and the two of you build up more memories of each other, those memories supplant the current "mental movies" in a similar way that you may "know" your wife had other partners before you were married, but they don't define who either of you is TODAY. You have both CHOSEN each other and learned from past.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can't seem to forget about all the pain that I have felt, it's extremely frustrating because I don't know if I can ever trust her again yet I don't want to let her go. I know that no two people have the same response to situations such as this and that sometimes the best idea is just to deal with it, but how do you forget? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Trust is going to take a long time to reestablish. It IS needed, but it has to be given in small pieces and essentially earned by consistent faithful action on the part of your wife. I can tell you that my wife and I reach the 2 year anniversary of when we began recovery in just 1 week. I now trust her in many things, but I do not yet trust her where the OM is concerned. I do a little, but because there have been many instances of recontact (innocent, not sexual or to restart the affair), I still do not trust her "judgment and fortitude" in that area. It does seem to be "sticking" (No Contact) this time, but it will take a lot more time before I concede that the current actions are indeed backing up the words and that she can be trusted in this area.

Recovery is a process. It does take time. That is one of the hardest things to deal with because we are all basically impatient people. Especially here in America we have become accustomed to "have it now." The idea of patiently waiting and working toward something we want for (horror of horrors!!!) years is not something we are comfortable with or, in many cases, willing to do.

If you have not done so yet, I highly recommend you get the book Torn Asunder by Dave Carder. I think you will find it extrememly helpful in understanding what went on, what the recovery process is like for both of you, and the timeframes involved.

Turning to your current thread:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Last night, after the tense month that we have had, I finally told her that I didn't think that I could get over what she did. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">An honest appraisal of where you are RIGHT NOW. Very few of us "think" or "know" that we can do something until AFTER we have done it. But we accomplish the feat by DOING the things that will lead to the desired result.

My wife told me, as many WS's have told their spouses, "I love you, but I'm not 'in-love' with you and I don't know that I ever can." It took two years, but she now IS 'in-love' and we are beginning the next steps in our recovery process. If you do the things that are needed and rely on God's direction (Trust Him) the desired outcome WILL happen. But it does happen according to God's timetable, not our impatient one.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I explained to her that the woman I married and loved wasn't a woman that was capable of doing that sort of thing. I told her that I know the reason she lied to me about it was because she knew I wouldn't be able to handle it.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Probably some truth in this statement. I know I am pretty well convinced that one reason God "allowed" my wife's affair to go on for 6 years was that I was not ready to "handle" it, or to turn to Him for guidance, or to face changes that I also had to make as part of the process of healing and of walking closer with Christ.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do love my wife, but it's not the same, and I think that right now I am going through the angry stage because I don't see why I should have to do all of this for a woman that would throw it all away for nothing.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A very natural "Taker oriented" response. It's a way of "protecting" yourself and your feelings from the pain and anguish. However, you SHOULD be angry. This was no simple "mistake." Oh sure, the poor decision she and your ex-BF made WAS a mistake, but it was also a willful choice based in selfishness and disregard for you and the covenant of marriage. Righteous anger over sin against God IS both normal and good. Your wife needs to see the intensity of the anger that matches the "intensity" of the betrayal as part of her healing process. No, it's not "fun" for either of you, but it IS a necessary part to go through so you can both deal with it and heal from it. Just remember Christ's admonition, "be angry, but in your anger do not sin."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have all of these questions that I need her to answer though and I don't honestly know how her answering them will make me feel any better. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is different for a lot of us. If you have questions that you believe you NEED to have answered, then it is your wife's responsibility to answer them. "Protecting you" from information is irrelevant, because the biggest sin and pain is already established as fact.

However, let me also caution you to think through your questions. Do you need them, or is it just your mind casting about for some "understanding?" Will the answers help or hinder recovery? Are the questions intended to help you or to put your wife through and emotional wringer as some sort of "retribution?"

Perhaps the operative thing to think about here would be something like, "Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it."

You already are having bad mental movies. Can the answers help take the "edge" off of them or intensify them? Same thing for other thoughts that you have.

It sucks, it really does, but you MUST know that what you feeling at this stage is NORMAL. In many ways this is one of those periods of time in recovery when you simply endure and trust in God to direct the healing. There ARE things that should be done, but they revolve around being obedient to God, and honoring your covenant in marriage.

Lastly, about the issue of counseling. Your wife stated (in your JKE thread) that she was willing to do whatever was needed to recover your marriage. Joint Christian Marital Counseling (assuming you are both believers) or Joint Marital Counseling with a trained counselor committed to saving marriage is a REQUIREMENT of recovery. This is no time for "do it yourself amateur" stumbling and bumbling.

Think of it, if it helps, like orienteering. Without a map and compass, you could be stumbling around in the dark for a long time before you are totally lost or get the "lucky break" and stumble across something (like a road) that "orients" you.

Outside of infidelity, think of it along these sorts of old lines:

"Physician, heal thyself." Get help from a professional who can deal with the problems and not succumb to the "godlike" delusion that you always know best and are more capable than anyone else.

"Only a fool has himself for a client." The same applies to Lawyers. For good reason.

Let me leave you with my personal favorite, especially for the "dark days" when we just don't know "how".... Philippians 4:13.

Christ HAS all the strength we need if we humble ourselves enough to accept it in the love that it is offered.

God bless.

<small>[ May 20, 2004, 08:03 AM: Message edited by: ForeverHers ]</small>

ForeverHers,
My goodness, that was very thought out and thoughtful what you wrote. I think that I will have to print it out, take it home, put it next to the bed, couch, and tv, and look at it at least 7-10 times a night. Honestly, some of the people that I have met on here need to receive money for their advice, and the time and effort that they put into other people's lives.
There is nothing that I can really say about what you said, even though I feel like right now I am in this I'm defensive against everyone else stage.
To make one thing clearer though, we were not all deployed together. The OM was deployed with me and stayed with our unit for six of the seven months, my W had moved back to Georgia and as I said, since his family was in another state and we don't get all the money in the world, I said he could stay at my apartment. Then I returned a month later and the world crashed down.
There's really so much to this story but I can tell from the responses that I get that there is nothing I can say to surprise anyone.
I have been really confused here lately about whether or not I want to deal with this marriage anymore after what happened because I personally have never believed that a marriage is temporary or should be taken lightly and I have been so aggravated by the news, television, and radio when I see all of these stories, shows, etc about infidelity and it seems to only be a dramatic twist to keep viewers involved. (I do love 24 though.)
You hit on some very good points.
I had felt that maybe this one wasn't for God and it had more to do with the fact that my wife chose to renew our vows in December a month before she confessed. I saw that as an association with her and God in which she could still not be honest with me.
Times are very hard and you put it greatly when you said, it SUCKS, because it does.
My friend here in the unit with me has been my silent listener, well actually he talks quiet a bit, but he's been with me since day one of this relationship. He gave me confidence the other day that he had never seen a person work so hard to keep a marriage or relationship together as I had.
In Kuwait life was terrible for me, not because of the war going on up north, or the heat, but because of the conflict my wife and I were having for the better part of the seven months. I lost over thirty pounds while I was there and many times when I couldn't deal with the pain that I felt I would end up sitting on the rock outside of the barracks talking to myself, talking to my wife, and crying because I didn't know why she was doing this to me.
I told her, and I chose my login on this computer, that many times I am still on the rock, still lost wondering why, and when I'm like that, just like in the desert, I shut everything else down. It seems like everything but the pain is numb, nothing is funny, nothing is interesting, nothing is happy.
I feel like that when I'm on the rock and I do need help.
My wife and I are going on leave next week back to Texas, I am hoping that things will be as they are when we are home, less tense, more celebratory, however I really would like to speak to her parents and family about this since we are so close.
You mentioned questions and I have to say that I am afraid that some of her answers wouldn't make things any better, in fact I'm almost sure, she is damned if she does, and damned if she doesn't right now.
Anyways, as I sit here at work, supposively "working" I have written too much and you will grow tired of reading.
Thanks for all of the input though, I really do appreciate it and I will head your warnings and embrace your words.
Thanks.

Foreverhers,
I have one more reply after reading over and highlighting some things that I have read in your post.

You said:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ..."know" your wife had other partners before you were married, but they dont' define who either of you is TODAY. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This happens to be a problem now too, maybe I was too afraid to admit it before but I do have a problem with her choices prior to our marriage especially considering the circumstances. This is something that I am still angry about and one of the reasons why I'm afraid that I won't be able to get over this as well, because it has been so long and I'm still so hurt. I will save this for the counselor though.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> "I love you, but I'm not 'in-love' with you and I don't know that I ever can. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've heard that too many times in our relationship, ever prior to our marriage. You see my wife and I both know that she married me for different reasons, but the main one that she can't deny is that it would get her away from her other relationship. She knew me well enough after not speaking much for five years, that I would always take care of her, and put up with all of the stuff that nobody else would. I've always left behind my feelings and put her first even when it hurt. Well I can just remember so many times when I was supposed to be number one in the relationship 'in-love' sort of way and I wasn't. So now even when she does tell me (all of the time) "you're the love of my life" or "I love you so much" or basically any compliment, I dismiss it as her telling me another one. I hate that feeling to because it used to feel so good to be complimented and even better to be told I was loved, now it's like, "ok, I love you too." How do I help this?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If you do the things that are needed and rely on God's direction...the desired outcome will happen. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">While I was in Kuwait I read a book called the Alchemist, my wife and I were having major problems with trust and communication and an NCO of mine recommended that I read it to help me out.
I read it and then talked to God like I hadn't talked to Him in ages.
The next day I woke up to the decision that I could handle everything that was happening, I though of Job and I thought of Christ and all of the sacrifices that they made for their faith.
I had come to the understanding that my fate is already written and that I need to get back on the bus that's taking me where I need to go, you know.
For awhile life was good again, for me at least.
My wife meanwhile continued with the silent treatment, the confession of a problem, but no explanation.
Eventually I felt that God led me to the decision that this marriage wasn't for me. I didn't tell my wife but I kept it inside. I was relieved again. I knew that life would go on, and every indication that my wife had ever given me told me that she wanted no part of this, that she made a huge mistake in marrying me. Well I guess that what I'm trying to say is, you may not be qualified to answer this either, is God pointing me towards a divorce or am I pointing myself?
I guess that's all for now, I have really got to work. Sorry it's so long.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Eventually I felt that God led me to the decision that this marriage wasn't for me. I didn't tell my wife but I kept it inside. I was relieved again. I knew that life would go on, and every indication that my wife had ever given me told me that she wanted no part of this, that she made a huge mistake in marrying me. Well I guess that what I'm trying to say is, you may not be qualified to answer this either, is God pointing me towards a divorce or am I pointing myself?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Gee, you really like to ask the "tough" questions, don't you? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

"Eventually I felt that God led me to the decision that this marriage wasn't for me."

Okay, first let state a "disclaimer." I do not have a "person-to-person, live, pick-up-the-walkie-talkie or face-to-face" connection to God. What I do have is probably more akin to an "interpreter(s)". That would be the Scriptures(the revealed Word of God) and the Wonderful Counselor of the indwelling Holy Spirit.

So let's turn to your quotation for a moment.

First MAJOR caution is to NOT trust "feelings." Feelings lie to us all the time. What is more important is obedience, whether we "feel like it" or not.

Second point is really a question. Is your wife a born-again believer or are you "unevenly yoked"?

Third point, God hates divorce and does not promise that marriage will be "easy." It is a covenant relationship. It takes commitment. The marriage vows embody this in the positive and negative statements and affirmations. Marriage IS about growing and changing together, of becoming "one flesh". Marriage does have "roles" that are assigned by God for husbands and wives, whether or not we believe in God, because it was God who established marriage between a man and a woman and pronounced it "very good."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel like right now I am in this I'm defensive against everyone else stage. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is NORMAL. If you ask any of us I think you find a unanimous affirmation that our normal level of "defensiveness" is magnified in the aftermath of infidelity. We become "highly sensitized". Our emotions are running all over the place and even the slightest "little thing", that would never have made our "radar screen" much less "bother" us, seems to hit us with the force of a sledgehammer. We emotionally react. So make no apologies for how you "feel", only apologize for things that allow yourself to DO in response to those feelings if they are, in fact, negative or spiteful.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It seems like everything but the pain is numb, nothing is funny, nothing is interesting, nothing is happy. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ugh....been there, done that, and finally after 2 years I'm slowly beginning to get back to "normal." Things still bother me and sometimes cause my wife to say something like "you need to 'lighten up' a little. But I'll tell you, though it's hard to really put it into words, the betrayal rips at every fiber of your being and it takes a lot of time to heal, and then only when your spouse is also working through her healing.

I can tell you though, that the "triangle of God" is true and the results ARE as He promises. The hard part is that it is according to God's timetable, not my impatient timetable. There's no magical "phhtt!" , or twinkling of the nose, and "all is better." It does take time.

A major crisis has been dropped into the middle of your "safety zone." This scud missle contains many harmful things that will require much recovery time to return to "normal." But the normal you reach will be different that what you perceived as normal in the past, because it will be founded upon reality and hard work and new understanding of things that were simply "glossed over" or "taken for granted" in the past.

You will KNOW. That alone has far-reaching ramifications.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So now even when she does tell me (all of the time) "you're the love of my life" or "I love you so much" or basically any compliment, I dismiss it as her telling me another one. I hate that feeling to because it used to feel so good to be complimented and even better to be told I was loved, now it's like, "ok, I love you too." How do I help this? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You may not like this answer. You endure it for now. Trust has been broken and you know that she IS capable of lieing to you...right to your face. You question YOUR ability to distinguish truth from fiction. You think your "truth detector" is broken. It's not. It's just that you are basically a very nice guy and can't seem to comprehend that other's CAN be deceitful and dishonest. For example, intellectually, I KNOW that there ARE people who murder their own children. But I CANNOT comprehend myself ever doing such a thing or how someone else could hurt their own children, much less anyone else.

You also need to simply accept, even if you don't believe it right now, that you will return to "normal" and you will learn that statements of "I love you" are real. But that comes much later in recovery. It comes with the reestablishment of trust. It took 2 years for me to reach that point and until then, and still continuing, I choose to believe God and His promise about it, not my own feelings or what might be going on in my wife's head.

Here's another tough one that relates to God's role for husbands and wives. God COMMANDS husbands to love their wives. He does NOT command wives to love their husbands. Essentially, God places the responsibility for love, or the lack of it, in the marriage squarely on the shoulders of the husband. It is not that wives "won't" or "can't" love their husbands, but that their love is usually in response to their husband FIRST loving them. Do you think that might be just a small "model" of Christ's love for His bride?

It is not that we love God first, it is amazing that HE first loved us and gave himself for us. What other response would be normal than for us to love Him in return?

The husband IS the spiritual head of the household, but God's command and decree. We are to "stand in" for Christ in our marriages out of obedience to God, not because we "feel like it." Left to ourselves, we would pervert the role into one of subjugating dominance, wanton perversion, and even Polygamy and/or whoreing around. We ARE sinful by nature and only by CHOOSING to submit our will and emotions to God's commands and teachings are we able to have faithful "yardstick" of how to live our lives regardless of the circumstances that we face in life.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I had come to the understanding that my fate is already written and that I need to get back on the bus that's taking me where I need to go, you know. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your "fate" is NOT written, unless we are talking about location in eternity. In Christ we are a "new creature", the old is gone. We change direction and the "fate" that was awaiting us as unforgiven sinners. Only God KNOWS our future and what will happen while we are alive. That is one of the reasons for the statement...[i]"Choose ye this day whom ye shall serve...but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord." God GAVE us the gift/curse of Free Will. The ability to choose. He doesn't want robots, He wants us to freely give ourselves to Him, just as husbands want their wives to freely choose to give themselves to them, and vice versa.

Your future is written in the actions and choices you make TODAY. "Today" is all that God gives us to control. We cannot change the past, we can only learn from it. We cannot dictate the future, we can only make actions and choices today that lead us down one of many roads to one of many possible futures. Choose wisely, and the "hoped for", the "longed for", the "desired" future is the likely result. Choose the "wrong road" and unfortunate circumstances (or futures) are the likely destination. "I am the way, the truth, and the life, NO ONE comes to the Father but by me." There are many roads that one can choose for themselves, but only ONE leads to the eternal future we desire and only through obedience do we secure "desireable" destination while here on earth.

God bless. Lean heavily on Phil. 4:13, especially on the inevitable days when you start thinking that "it's just not worth it", or "I can't go on anymore." Then re-read Psalm 23 and let Him be the guide through the darkest times.

God is faithful to ALL of His promises to those who love Him and keep His commands.

Betrayed Husband, this may not mean much but let me thank you personally for serving our country even while going through this. God Bless you. It has been hard enough going through this in a peaceful country, I can't imagine what it would be like while in combat.

One realization that had been impressed on me while a read all of the post and during the process of dealing with this myself is that God wants a one-on-one relationship with us. When we put anything or anyone (including our spouse) above God, HE does not like that. Thou shalt have no other gods before me. You mentioned that
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
"I've always left behind my feelings and put her first even when it hurt."
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've done this myself, I put my WW so high on a pedestal that the A has been a tremendous fall, talk about a reality check. Did God let this happen just so he could give me a proper perspective on how my relationship to Him should be? I don't think so, He could have done multiple things to bring about that conclusion, but that has been one of the good things to come out of this. Remember, all things work for good to them that believe and are call to His purpose (sorry, this is a paraphrase I can't find the exact quote in the Bible right now).

Talking about this brings to mind Saul and Agag in I Samual 15. Samual told Saul that it is better to obey God than to sacrifice to God. God has commanded husbands to love their wives. Period. End of Story. In order to serve God, we (as husband) must love our wives...in good times and bad. I love my wife, even though she had an A. The difficulty that I am learning now is how to express that love in a way in which she knows that I love her. I have been showing love by doing those things (fulfilling EN) that, when done to me, make me feel loved. They are not the same for her, therefore she does not feel loved. I am learning to show her love in a way that she will understand. That is difficult to do becuase one of her most important EN is conversation, in which I am not good at, but for her I am willing to try.

Well I'm starting to ramble and my thoughts are not coming together in a coherant fashion. But I will pray for you.

<small>[ May 21, 2004, 09:07 AM: Message edited by: Dorban ]</small>

Dorban and ForeverHers,
I have to write both of you back at the same time, but I appreciate both of your responses. I'll be sending you checks tomorrow, I wish I could.
It's funny that this is going towards the direction of God allowing this to happen to teach, which I understand and I've dealth with in the past. Thanks. I'm kind of at a loss for words right now because I don't exactly know what to say, but thanks.
My wife had mentioned that I was just like her dad one time, that I kept her so high on this pedastal that any mistake she made she would fall all the way off. I thought about that and thought about that when she told me and it really did change my perspective on things for awhile.
I have really not been the head of the household anywhere else but financially and I think maybe it's time for me to take a walk down that aisle again so that I can confess, and ask for His hand again.
Thanks.

BH...

You are getting such wonderful loving support here on this thread...

I just want to say

God Bless...

Pep

Pep,
You're right and I appreciate it too, I think maybe now I'm ready to take some steps.
I went out on a smoke break and started thinking that instead of asking why and how, I should be saying what now, you know, and then answer that question like you all have.
Some of the support that I've received on here I should take and give to my wife. I may be done on here for a couple of days, I want to see how this weekend will go knowing that I need to make some definate changes in the way that I live. I go on leave next week, so that will give us a week off from work with our families and that may take us out of the cycle that we're currently facing.

I have one question, well really just a request for advice. Should I tell my wife to take some steps towards honesty and tell her parents and family, that I want to see she's willing to do that to show her level of commitment? And if so, how do I ask her?

I must say I had not seen your story initially. i understand what you are going through and the issues that you are having to deal with. You make the comment that many people absorbe the guilt for what their spouses do, and in this country affairs are taken lightly as something that "just happens" or "that's life and it happens to anyone". In fact, i think someone responded to you with comments like that.

It is not your fault your WW made a stupid decision. Find a way to release your anger in a constructive manner. Exercise, running, go somewhere, etc. I too have had to deal with a lot of what you are describing. Nightmares, anger that cannot be released, irritability, etc. Some will say your marriage can recover, but it will never be the same. Has she done anything like that before? Emotional attachement to someone else while she was with you?

Do you have children? If you do, they are a tremendous source of strength and you may find in them many positives. There are people in this forum who can give you valuable suggestions. Good luck.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have one question, well really just a request for advice. Should I tell my wife to take some steps towards honesty and tell her parents and family, that I want to see she's willing to do that to show her level of commitment? And if so, how do I ask her? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Betrayed Husband - You sure do like to continue with the "tough" questions, don't you? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Okay, just my opinion, so take it for what you think might apply to your situation. The short answer is "No."

The longer answer is involved with several issues. This is YOUR family, your wife, and totally separate from either of your sets of parents, much less any other siblings that might be in the mix.

"Exposure" of an affair is primarily concerned with a spouse who is actively in an affair and won't stop. But once the decision has been made to end the affair and to attempt recovery, some of the "rules" changes.

First, it's a very emotional and fragile time for both of you.

Second, part of your role as husband is to "protect" your wife, not hold her up to potential ridicule or other things. Remember, words once spoken can NOT be retracted and erased. Things can, and usually do, change when others know of the affair. Since I don't know the "family", I have no way to gauge how they might react. But suffice it to say that, IMHO, nothing should be said to anyone who does not have legitimate "need to know."

I tend to think of it along the lines of the old wartime slogan, "loose lips sink ships." Aside from some 'good feeling' that you might get, what purpose would be served by dragging others into your painful mess? Honesty? Proof of her honesty? I don't think so. At best it would be a response to potentially coercive manipulation.

The honesty you want and need is honesty in your relationship with your wife. To drag others, needlessly, into the "mix" simply adds more anchors that drag on recovery, more "outside" issues that will have to be dealt with.

Let's face it, if the recovery failed, or if she ever decided to leave you for someone else, the affair WOULD become public knowledge at that point.

In my case, other than our children, the only family that knows about my wife's affair is her father. It was virtually impossible in our situation to keep it from him because he was planning a visit to us and my wife had decided to leave me for the other man the very day he called us. On the positive side, he is an extremely strong and gifted man of God and was very instrumental in assisting our recovery, including finding the perfect marriage counselor for, all from his home state.

Remember this caution too, if it's any easier to think of it simplistically....too many cooks can spoil the broth.

Yes, I KNOW the feeling of wanting to shout it to everyone. To have others "condemn the WS's actions" and to tell you "you poor man" and comfort your hurting feelings is a strong desire. There is a feeling of "it's justified." But stop, and if there is ANY doubt about the possible outcomes that come with "outing" her to family, than err on the side of caution and wait. It can always be "outed" later if it became necessary. For now, though, proceed slowly and cautiously.

Try to have good weekend. Try to enjoy not having to be focused on recovery all the time. Force yourself, if needed, to have a little fun. There will plenty of days that are "cloudy" as you work through recovery, so enjoy it when you get the opportunity for a little sunshine and fun!

God bless.

Very good,
I read your reply to late and already asked her to tell her family, she hasn't yet though, which I think is good. I did take her out to dinner Friday night and sat there and told her that I wasn't going to leave and that this was going to be hard for both of us.
I told her whether it be her parents or not, she needs to talk to someone, so maybe once we get back from leave she'll be able to start working on her problems once I start working on mine.
Thanks for all the help.
Have a nice weekend, you're very strong I'll tell you that.

Greetings All,
I'm sorry it's been so long since I have posted. Both my wife and I went to one counseling session but have yet to set up another because of our schedules. At any rate, we have made some improvements at least in understanding the situation. I finally confessed to her that I don't always want to be married but then went deeper into the fact that I'm still here because I love her, I told her an analogy that I thought of that I'm sure some of you know the feeling.
I told her that it's as if, someone that I knew and trusted lured me into a box, put me in the ground, and started throwing dirt on top of me. Eventually I'm covered with the dirt, I can't breathe, can't see, can't hear, I'm left only to think. I let the situation happen because I trusted that person. So now I finally realize that I'm going to have to dig myself out because obviously nobody else will. Once I dig myself out, that person is standing there smiling at me, acting as if nothing had happened. Well I told her I still have some dirt on me that I haven't been able to wash off yet. I think she understands. I also outlined my largest problems in this marriage. The military, the OM, the other OM, and her. I titled it and made her the author. I told her it's her assignment to write me a story about those five things, to help me to understand what has happened in our marriage and to help me feel like I'm not still in the box or "on the rock" so we'll see what happens.
I got drunk the other night and basically told me friends that I wanted no part of this. It was a wake-up call to me to say the least.
However, optimism still remains, we will be moving shortly to a new area (new beginning, perhaps) and my wife is pregnant.
I still have problems with intimacy, as in her touching me affectionately, which I don't quiet understand. It's almost as if her touch repulses me, maybe someone can explain and give me some advice.
I'm also still having the gut feelings that won't go away about what may have really happened, the other part of the story that I still don't know.
My hope is that her assignment (if she does it) will shed some light on that.
Other than that, our MC (if you can call her that) said we are both experiencing low level depression which can explain our eating habits, our messy habitat, and our lack of interest in everything.
Just wanted to keep people posted. If you have ever responded to me before I thank you for your time.