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#447884 05/18/04 08:44 PM
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 1
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Joined: May 2004
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I accidentally found a very graphic e-mail from my husband’s cyber lover. He says he has never met any of the women (?) he has "cybered" with since he has been with me. Does that make the emotional infidelity any better? He also says that I am the perfect one for him and he is not lacking in any attention sexually or otherwise. I don't know why I am so shocked since I did meet him in chat room personals, and we did have cyber sex before meeting. Still I feel completely bewildered and betrayed. We were planning a wonderful life together and I was actually starting to believe in "happily ever after". Apparently we just have different ways of showing love, loyalty and respect. I don't want to throw away my chance for happiness with him but know that I cannot live contentedly without trust. How do I regain respect and trust in our relationship? I refuse to act insanely jealous; it takes too much time and effort. Please help!

#447885 05/19/04 09:40 AM
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 32
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Posts: 32
anudagirl-

sounds kinda like my husband. For me it was finding a love note IM from the OW on Valentine's day. They both wrote it off as a joke...but 2 months later I found out it was serious and they were having phone sex. (He doesn't like cyber...too messy and awkward to type). He did; however, meet this woman on the computer in a RPG game. I know it is hard...I am still going through it. Plan A seems to be very helpful, but hard. What I have found to be helpful for me is to talk to others who have gone through the same thing or something similar. It is very complicated when the internet is involved. Its not like he can just change jobs or move away, the computer is the link. Hang in there.

#447886 05/20/04 12:04 AM
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 2,903
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Is it possible he has a sexual addiction? A compulsion and can't seem to stop on his own no matter how happy he is?

I believe my H uses online porn and cybering as self-medicating and waht led to his A a year later.

I am getting ready to check out some of Patrick Carnes books from the library about sexual addiction...

I think Plan A can be helpful, but things didn't seem to get better for us until the issue of the sexual boundaries was discussed and protected. What is he willing to do to draw a line?

#447887 09/10/04 02:32 PM
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 73
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Try S-Anon. It will help you find sanity. It is for friends and family of sex addicts. Find a group in your area and go. It has saved me. My hubby is a sex addict. He masturbates compulsively, Im's ladies, has web cam and phone sex and has now had a long distance affair going for nearly 3 years. I did the marriage builders thing and although it was helpful the only peace I found came with S-Anon.

PLease check it out. I swear it will help. It has saved me. By the way I am still married with 2 children.

#447888 09/10/04 03:04 PM
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 123
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All of these situations sound SO familiar to me.

My H spent a lot of time on the internet when we were dating, but I didn't think much of it. The red flag was when we got married, and I signed on to his screenname once to look up something and he got furious, said his computer use was private. I (foolishly) respected his privacy for more than four years, even though I knew he was doing SOMETHING he shouldn't be doing. I have known for the past 2 years he looked at hard-core porn online, but I was always afraid to confront him with it.

Finally, as our marriage problems and his dissatisfaction with me grew increasingly worse, I decided I had to get to the root of the problem. I looked at his internet histories and found out he had been looking up females in our area. But I had no way to know if he talked to them or not.

I installed a monitoring program on my computer about a month ago, and found out the truth. He is not only heavily into porn, he has multiple online lovers, engages in cybersex using webcams, and spends a lot of time in adult chat rooms looking for new "female friends". Two of the IM conversations I found seemed to irrefutably prove he was physically involved with those two women- they even discussed what times they were going to meet.

He still denies it went past the computer, but I don't believe it- those conversations can't be explained away. I told him I wanted to work on things and work on whatever problems led to this, but he said he didn't want to. He decided he wants a separation, which will take place a week from today. Oh, I didn't tell him how I found out the extent of what he does, so for the time being I'm still monitoring him- and it hasn't stopped. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

He even put a passcode on the computer so I can't turn it on. Obviously, he has no intention of stopping.

I have no advice- I don't know what else to do with this situtation. Obviously, he has a serious addiction, but until he admits that and works on stopping it, what else can I do???


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