Hi everyone. I am newly separated, and I don't really know where to begin. Husband and I are both 28 - been together for 10 years, married for 8. We have an 8 year old son. We have what I always thought was the perfect relationship. That is, until 2 years ago when he told me not to check the credit card bill because he had bought my Christmas present with it and didn't want me to find out what it was. Well, I immediately went online and checked the statement. Guess what I got for Christmas? A hotel room that I didn't stay in. When confronted, he denied it was for him. His brother had picked up someone at the bar, he said. Ok. It took me awhile to get over that, but I never had any other reason to suspect anything else, and I was happy, so I let it go. About a year after that I found out he had an email address that I didn't know about. He denied that anything was up, I finally let that go...to an extent. I started checking his email and cell phone. Over the past year I have never found anything...and believe me I have been looking! He had to go away for his job for 6 weeks. We talked every day and I was thrilled when he got home. I don't really know how to explain it, but I felt something different from then on. For example...a week after he got home he wanted to go out with his buddies on his night off...he asked me if i had a problem with it. I told him yes, that I really did. I wanted to hang out with him...he had only been home for a week! He went anyway. That hurt. A couple of weeks later he had a softball tournament out of town. I decided that I wanted to go and called him at work the day before. He got mad...saying that no other wives were going and blah blah. I stayed home. Fast forward a couple of weeks after that. I hear from one of the other wives that WAS there that he was seen with another woman at the tournament! I confronted on Saturday - he denied that she was with him...she was with another one of the guys he said...He continued to deny but told me that day that he didn't know what was wrong with him, but that he didn't feel anything for me anymore. I asked what he wanted to do. He didn't know - I asked him if it weren't for our son if he would be with me. He said probably not. I made him leave. He moved out on Mother's Day. I have seen and talked to him everyday. He picks up my son everyday for a few hours. A few days ago he said he loved me and wanted to work out our marriage. He asked me out on a date and said that he wanted to start of slowly. We have slept together twice since he has been gone...and have a date scheduled for Friday. I'm excited but nervous. He still denies affair - and I haven't mentioned it for about a week. Can our relationship recover from an affair if he never admits it? I want to believe that he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, but it is hard. Where do I go from here? I find it a little offensive that I have to go on a date with my husband to try and "woo" him back in love with me...I feel like he should be doing the "wooing"!! I do love him with all of my heart and want this to work. Advice? Comments?

Click on the link in my signature line. In answer to your question, IMO, no, you will not recover without honesty. BUT, focusing on that before he is ready is not going to help, I don't think.

Sounds like he is having his cake and eating it too. He is not being honest and you should demand honesty. Good luck.

Hi Teach -

(I always wanted to say that, but I'll try to be more respectful.)

You are right about a lot of things. You are right that it should be HIM trying, not you.

Lets give some background. Many who find out that their spouse has been, or is having an A just give up. They leave, and file for D, and never come here or work on their M.

You have come here - you care about your relationshop and your child enough to seek help. Even though it is hard, I think it is the right choice. It will be difficult, it will take time.

Right now, in the beginning, think of it as an addiction. You are helping him give up an addiction. Perhaps he knows he needs to quit, perhaps he has quit. Even then he will need help with the withdrawl. So, give him some time, and help as much as you can help.

If he really wants to succeed, he will begin helping you as you go along - probably sometime in the next 6 months. If not, you will have done the best you can, and you can change your plans when you know more than you do now if that is needed.

Remember you have freedom - you have choices too. It tells me a lot about what kind of person you are that you have chosen to try.

Learn all you can by reading here. I am not sure what you have already read, and what you haven't read. I recommend you get "His needs, Her needs," and "Surviving an Affair."
Sometimes you can find them in your local library, or a local bookstore, or you can order them from this web site. SAA will give you a very good idea about why A's start, and how to recover from them. HNHN will give you good ideas on where to concentrate your efforts when you spend time with him.

In the long run, you want to get him on board too - but in the short term, read, formulate a plan, and work it without him knowing - until you feel he has come along enough to join you in your efforts.

I am sorry you have to be here, but feel you will get useful information and also emotional support if you need that. You are NOT crazy, but lets find out more before you confront him with any thing else. It is often better to lay low and watch then continue to confront. That often makes them more careful. I hope he is finished with it, and that you really can begin recovery, but you need a plan as you go along anyway, no matter what he is doing.

Many of us have a hard time posting in a regular manner, but please let us know how you are doing from time to time. We do care about you even if we can't get back as often as we would like.

SS

Thank you both for responding. A lot has happened since that first post. We had our "date night" on Friday and it went really well. As a matter of fact, he is home now. I'm glad he is here, but nervous as hell. I mean, two weeks ago he told me that he didn't love me anymore! He has not admitted an affair...I don't think he ever will. I want so much to push and push until I get it out of him. I feel I have the right to know! I know that will just push him away, though. I just keep thinking to myself...what if...What if he WAS just in the wrong place at the wrong time? I'm not in denial, don't get me wrong. I know that the chance is VERY slim - and if he IS innocent, he has the worst case of bad luck I've ever seen. BUT...what if? I ordered two books last night..His Needs Her Needs and The Five Love Languages. A close friend recommended the latter, apparently it helped her a lot. We've had a pretty good weekend...took our son to see Shrek II today. Everyting was going great and then BOOM...we got home and it just hit me. The hurt all over again. I started crying. I tried to hide it from him, but he saw. When he questioned me about it, I told him that I just had to let it out. So, what do I do now? How do I heal if I don't know for sure? When will I be able to trust him again? I love him so much and I so much want our marriage to be the way it was before all of this...

Thank you both for responding. A lot has happened since that first post. We had our "date night" on Friday and it went really well. As a matter of fact, he is home now. I'm glad he is here, but nervous as hell. I mean, two weeks ago he told me that he didn't love me anymore! He has not admitted an affair...I don't think he ever will. I want so much to push and push until I get it out of him. I feel I have the right to know! I know that will just push him away, though. I just keep thinking to myself...what if...What if he WAS just in the wrong place at the wrong time? I'm not in denial, don't get me wrong. I know that the chance is VERY slim - and if he IS innocent, he has the worst case of bad luck I've ever seen. BUT...what if? I ordered two books last night..His Needs Her Needs and The Five Love Languages. A close friend recommended the latter, apparently it helped her a lot. We've had a pretty good weekend...took our son to see Shrek II today. Everyting was going great and then BOOM...we got home and it just hit me. The hurt all over again. I started crying. I tried to hide it from him, but he saw. When he questioned me about it, I told him that I just had to let it out. So, what do I do now? How do I heal if I don't know for sure? When will I be able to trust him again? I love him so much and I so much want our marriage to be the way it was before all of this...

Everyting was going great and then BOOM...we got home and it just hit me. The hurt all over again. I started crying. I tried to hide it from him, but he saw. When he questioned me about it, I told him that I just had to let it out. So, what do I do now? How do I heal if I don't know for sure?

I am sorry for your hurt and pain. Sometimes our spouse will be able to understand and help us, sometimes they cannot for quite some time. Remember you can come here and talk to others that have been where you are, and know what you are feeling. Don't think you are all alone in the world, for you are not.

Perhaps it would be better to ask some other questions. If you did know for sure, could you forgive him? If your answer is yes, then perhaps you can begin that process without knowing.

When will I be able to trust him again? I love him so much and I so much want our marriage to be the way it was before all of this...

You can't go back to what was......but you can go foreword to a better marriage than you had before. You will learn a great deal from the books, and from reading here. When I came and began to learn, I started to see things I could change IN ME - because I really can't change my W even if she needs to change. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

We can really only change our selves and hope our spouse responds. You can work on your marriage, and I encourage you to do that, but I also encourage you to work on you as you go along. Sometimes this kind of trauma can be a catlyst to help us become the person we really want to be.

This will take time, it will. No amount of wanting will repair things in a few weeks. Please settle in for the long haul. Don't get discouraged when set backs occur. Just set up to run your plan for x months (X is whatever you think you can do) and then run it no matter what H does some weeks to hurt you. That will help you get through some of the down times when perhaps he will waver.

Be strong, keep telling yourself you can do it, and after a while it will come true. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

SS

<small>[ May 25, 2004, 03:24 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Hi, everyone. Thought I'd check in and give a quick update. It seems like forever ago that I wrote that first post! Reading it again made me feel sick to my stomach. He has been home for a couple of weeks now. We took a short vacation to New Orleans and had blast together. It was good to get away from everything.

He still has not admitted an affair. Says there never was anyone else - that he doesn't know what was wrong with him. I honestly don't know - I really feel in my heart that there was somebody, but I don't know how hard to push. He doesn't like to talk about what happened and wishes that I could just let all of it go and move forward. I really want to, but every time I catch myself feeling happiness this wave of pain and devastion comes over me. I'm so jumpy and nervous - I guess I'm trying to protect myself from the pain that I felt before.

He has said all of the right things, and is being very affectionate. I DO feel like I have my husband back, and I don't want to mess things up. So, where do I go from here? Any advice from someone who has been where I am right now?

Imateechur (who is off for the summer!! woohoo!!)