hello,,, I have turned to this forumn because I am seeking any help or comfort from my wifes infidelity.
I have been married for almost 6 years and recently discovered my wife has had a 2 month personal and sexual relationship with another man. She has admitted to the affair and says she wishes it would have never happened. She has told me how the affair began ,, where it began,, and why it began. the affair began 2 months to this date when she went to a local bar and grill and was approached by the OM at first she told him she was married with 2 children and was not interested. he still pursued her and eventually talked her into giving her cell #. as time went on he called and eventually talked her into a personal relationship. they were involved more than 2 weeks before I was tipped off by a friend who saw them together. She has had sex many times with this man and also done recreation activities with him. all while I was at home with the kids thinking she was working late or at her moms,, or whatever excuse she would give me. Her explanation for this is he was a fun guy. But she has told me throughout our marriage that I am a fun guy and she could not see her with any other man. The deceit and the ruthlessness of her affair is becoming to much for me to bare We are in counseling and it only fans the flames that burn in me. I have turned cold to her I have almost lost my job,, no sleeep,, lost 15 pounds, and am on antidepression meds. I love her with everything I am and allways have,,, but I fear that I can never trust her again due to the lack of care she had for me and the children. She has cried to me she has swore it will never happen again. When we dated before we were married I caught her in bed with another man,, we seperated , but got back together,, she swore to me then that it would never happen again,, well it has,, and this time feels 10 times worse than the pre marital affair. I fear losing her, but at the same time it sometimes disusts me to be near her. I work in law enforcement and run the mans name through the ncic computer,,,, he has had 4 prior violent arrests, Harassment,, assault,, drugs,, and unemployed and still lives with mommy. Self confidence is gone. My wife is very beautiful and could have alot of great guys but this was her pick... Im torn to the bone and do not know what to do..

correction they were involved 2 months before I was tipped off.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances. We have all been through what you are going through now, and know how miserable it is. We will help you like no one else - your friends and family will not know how to help you, unless they have been through it.

You are absolutely normal in your feelings. As you read here, you will see that everyone responds pretty much the same. Your wife has ripped out your heart and trampled on it.

But keep in mind that for most women, they fall into an A to get emotional needs met. Sounds like OM is a predator who went after your wife. He told her what she needed to hear.

Try posting your story under General Questions. There is a lot more traffic there, and you will get some expert advice. Also keep reading. As you get the hang of how these things happen, your self esteem will come back.

Hello,

I feel very sorry for you. I would think you must be in shock. The OM sounds so bad and I suspect your wife was not his first. I hope you and your wife have been checked for std's. I am always constantly amazed that people go into denial when they are dating. When you were dating her you say you caught her in bed with another man. This was a huge red flag but you ingnored it. The reason you date is to find out about the character of the person you are dating. Apparently you ignored this fact.

The fact that she had a lot of sex with this man for two months and only stopped because she was caught by you is very disturbing. The implication is that this would have continued indefinately having her put your health at such risk. Apparently she was a very good liar to you.

I would suggest counseling of course but it sounds like your wife has always had a questionable moral compass. At this point I do not see why you would believe anything she is telling you. I would ask her what did she expect to achieve by cheating on you so frequently? Ask her how she would feel if the roles had been reversed. Why does she wish to stay married with you? Is she staying for the material benefits? This was not a one time thing. There had to be a lot of planning by her to have so much sex and recreational activities while you stayed home with your children. Maybe you should think what is best for you and your children. Your story is very very sad but I would be curious to know what her justification was and again what her reaction would have been if the roles had been reversed. I wish you luck.

You make some really good points and I appreciate your concerns and advice. As for the STD check she says that they never had unprotected sex and there is no need ofcorse I still fear it and will have myself checked. Also for those who wonder ,,why would I get married and have children with a woman who allready showed herself to be unfaithful,, it was because we seperated for 6 months and we both still loved each other, the way she confided in me made me feel she was so sorry for what had happened that it could never happen again. Looking back its easy to say "boy was I a fool" Now what is done is done and there is no changing that I just want to either find a way to go on with her, or If need be deal with the reality that I have married a cheating wife by nature,, and she will not change,, and pack my bags. The counseling I have been receiving seems to only make me feel like I am such a sorry husband and father that it was my fault,, I will not accept that,,she claimed she was happy she acted happy she still made love to me. What can I possibly change to prevent this from happening again? On one night before she walked out the door to meet her lover she kissed me and said "GOD YOU ARE A GOOD HUSBAND". I felt at the time I was a good husband,, now it feels like she said it because she was with a man that was so ignorant to her affair, that she was glad I had no suspicions. Hre whole reason for having the affair is that he was a fun guy,, he made her laugh. I look back and I know I have given her the same emotions even during her affair. She says it will kill her If i leave her, and she cant live without me, and to please forgive her. Right now this is not possible because of know the details of her affair I am unable to be intimate with her without seeing her lover being intimate with her in my head. I have tried to put myself in her shoes ,, but the fact is that I have known only her and loved only her for so long that is impossible for me to ever be unfaithful to her. The birth of our first child, the memories we have made, and the love we have shred is so sacred that I am not able to be unfaithful to her. That is why I have asked her "didn't me and your 2 children ever cross your mind?" I know they would if it was me. So here i struggle with the question,,"HOW COULD SHE SO EASILY PUT HER FAMILY IN JEOPARDY IF SHE LOVED US SO MUCH"

<small>[ May 20, 2004, 09:56 AM: Message edited by: eric. n ]</small>

I have had a similar experience. Found out my wife is having an affair a week ago. The full relationship has been going on for a few weeks. She was acting like everything was fine when she was with me. We still made love like normal so I never suspected her of an affair. When I exposed the affair she right away wanted a divorce. At least your wife is willing to try and work things out. My wife now lives with this guy even though we aren't divorced yet. I feel like she wants to destroy me. This is coming from the supposed "love of my life". Try to forgive her and work things out. Go to counseling and church if you can. Just be glad that there is a chance to work things out, but I would keep tabs on her. She obviously didn't deserve your trust in the first place. No matter how pushy the OM were towards our women, if they can't resist or at least tell us what's going on it is just pathetic.

Hello again Eric,

I really get sick reading your post. She says the whole reason she had this affair was because he was a fun guy and made her laugh? She tells you
"God you are a good husband" when she goes out to meet her lover? I am sorry Eric but she sounds so incredibly shallow and self-centered as a person. What a justification. She can't live without you and it would kill her if you left? What was she thinking when she was screwing this guy for two months? Apparently she feels this way only because she was caught. The justification because he was just a fun guy is really unbelievable. If this is really true I just do not see how you could ever trust someone who is so shallow and insensitive to you and your family. Unfortunately her actions speak much louder than her words.

I really feel sorry for what you are going through. It really sounds like you made a bad choice. By the way there is no such things as protected sex. Absolutely do not become intimate until you are both checked out. If she refuses to be checked then she is still disrespecting you and you would be a fool to accept this. Again her actions speak a whole lot louder than her words.
I wish you luck.

What occurred to me after reading your post is why would a married woman go alone to a bar in the first place. Wouldn't she be sending out a message that she was available. It would also make me wonder how many times she had done this before with other "fun guys". I agree that you should get tested for STDs. You might even want to do a paternity test to confirm whether you are the biological father of your children.

Eric,
I know how you feel with the anxiety and nervousness. The churning in your stomach. If you can, try to relax. If you can't, make sure you exercise like crazy. It'll get rid of some of the adrenaline so you can sleep at night.

My W told me that she had sex with OM bc it made her "feel like she was in college again with a new boy." That feeling of new love again.

He, too, was "fun". Remember though that affairs happen bc people are looking for an escape from reality.

I thought I'd never get over my W's A but I'm getting there slowly. You can too if that's waht you want.

How do you feel today?

I got some advice early on here at MB from vets that I ignored and wish now I hadn't. If you feel depressed at all and it sounds as though you are, go to a doctor and get on a anti-depressant medication.

Don't feel as I did that meds are for weaklings. Not true. Depression causes a change in brain chemistry. You should especially consider AD's if you ever had any other reasons for depression ie problems at work, death in the family, medical problems etc. Depression is progressive that longer it goes untreated the more difficult it is to treat. More difficult also if you've had multiple episodes.

Only you can decide if you want to stay married. Don't decide now, however. Wait at least six months. You need to wait so that hopefully you'll have gone thru all the stages of loss. Right now your either in denial and/ or a combination of anger.

Also keep in mind that all posters here on MB have a distinct personality and over time you can see see their pattern. For example Yosh normally jumps into a post just once and tells the "sap" to divorce his wife. His post above was actually somewhat restrained for him. Other posters are in the process of doivorce so they are a bit more negative than thos who are staying with their spouse. Just keep that in mind.

Keep posting. It'll help you vent so that you're not venting on your family.

cwmac

<small>[ May 23, 2004, 10:35 AM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

It seems that cwmac's position is that any disagreement with what she perceives to be the truth as heresy. I have so far refrained from commenting on her personal attacks on me whenever I have posted my opinion. At no time have I ever made any personal attacks on her. It makes me wonder whether her past(?) marital problems that pushed her spouse to have an affair stem from cwmac's anal personality to verbally abuse people who disagree with her. IMO it is fair game to disagree with someone's comments and state the reasons for the disagreement but it is not acceptable to ridicule or make the inference that the person you disagree with is not normal.

<small>[ May 23, 2004, 12:47 PM: Message edited by: yosh ]</small>

Yosh,
The only reason I said that is bc I've noticed that in the past you have on occassion jumped into a post and made a quick comment ie "you should divorce your spouse." I've commented on it before and didn't think you ever noticed.

I guess it was a bit unfair to mention you by name. Sorry. I was just trying to make the point that here on MB there are all types and those at various stages in the infidelity cycle. Some are in shock, some are happy, some are cynical/disillusioned, some are bitter, some are angry etc.

I don't think your abnormal. You are definitely entitled to your opinions on marriage, infidelity and recovery.

The comment you made in this thread I actually agree with. Your posts do get noticed.

Sometimes it's hard to tell if someone is being straight or sarcastic on these threads.

BTW, cwmac is a male BS.

I'll keep my Yosh comments to myself.

cwmac

hello yosh and cw,,, I just came bach to check this thread because I re posted it in the general questions,,,, I have been updating on there my situation as it playes out day by day,,,please see dealing with reality in the GQ section and give me your feedback on how my situation is going and your thoughts,,,, And Yosh I dont take your comments offensive,,, I have thought the same things you posted,,, but with regards to my children they were born very close together during the beginning of our relationship when there was no bars our love was at its strongest,, plus they are a spittin image of me,, I have no doubt in that area even though I have to admit I have asked myself that question,, I know that even if my children are not mine I dont want to know. As far as the std We both went together at my request and the results were negative,, a great relief on my part and hers. Please see my post on G/Q it is great to talk to people on here and has been the stabilization when I need say things that could possibly Love bust my wife.

Cwmac,thank you for what I think was an apology to me. What should be realized is that there are many different approaches to dealing with infidelity. Harley's approach is only one of them. Another is the "Tough Love" approach recommended by Dr.J.Dobson or the Weiner-Davis approach. Remember none of the posters (including myself ) are professional marriage counsellors . The only thing that these posters have in common is that they have experienced being cheated on or have cheated. We have even posters who passionately advise betrayed spouses to follow Plan A/B even though these plans did not save their marriages. I am not saying this to discourage you from following Harley's approach but try to keep in mind that depending on the situation (which only you know), it may require different approach(s) including filing for divorce.

<small>[ May 24, 2004, 07:23 PM: Message edited by: yosh ]</small>