hi, i'm new here and need some perspectives on my husband's affair. Some background: We've had a long-distance relationship (about 4-5 yrs) and just got married in Dec, partly because I was pregnant. Soon after the wedding, he had to fly off to UK to complete his PhD. He returned in late April for good and I found out one week later that he had been having an affair there with a new housemate. I called the other woman - she didn't know he was married, he didn't wear his ring, hid my photo and denied my existance totally to her. I've visited him regularly in UK over the years and his supervisors, some of his housemates and coursemates knew me by name. When one of his casual acquaintances asked about his girlfriend (ie me)in front of OW, he said we've broken up! He had to break an accomodation contract to come back earlier and had submitted a letter explaining he had completed his thesis and that he has a pregnant wife. The OW had chanced upon the letter but when she asked him about it, he told her it was just an excuse to get out of the contract and that he could never lie about something like this.

He had begged me to give him another chance and said the affair was only a distraction from loneliness and the pressures of the PhD, and that she was nothing more than a "good friend" that he could talk to. He also described the affair as non-romantic and the only thing they had in common was academic jousting. He insisted that the affair had nothing to do with having cold feet about being married and turning a father, and that he had been looking forward to coming back to start a new chapter with me. He has broken all contact with her, and given me the passwords to all his email accounts - but the depth of his deception makes me sick in the stomache. I've seen the romantic emails they exchanged in the week just before and after his departure, and he insisted that he only wrote them because he felt bad about deceiving her, that he couldn't just say, "thanks for the sex and conversations, gotta go now." He wanted the affair to die out naturally over the distance. However I think it would have continued longer over the internet if I hadn't found out.

We're still living together right now and between the sleepless nights and interrogations, we still do a lot of things together as if nothing has really changed. He told me to give him two years to prove that he can be a good husband and father, and that he can make me happy. He said the years we've spent together was the happiest he's been and that everything, keeping the baby and the marriage was right and the only mistake in all these was him having an affair.

My baby boy is due next month and I've been grateful for the inner lull that has followed the first stormy week. I don't know if I should give him a second chance for the baby's sake, or if it's better to just separate now. His best friend is urging me to give him a second chance, but I don't want to live with what he has done. He's just not the same person I have known for all these years anymore. Though he swore this was the first time he had cheated on me and that it only happened because of the stress of not knowing whether or not his years on work on the thesis will be good enough, there's really no way of knowing. the truth is I think he will cheat on me again in future. I would really rather just close this chapter and move on as a single mother.

I do feel a little sorry for him. He's always been a very confident man and I've never seen him looking so small before. Having spoken to OW, I do believe him when he said he would never want to have a long-term relationship with her. There are times when I can accept that this affair has nothing to do with me and our relationship, but his own weaknesses. But most times, I just want to put it all behind me and move on alone.

anyway, thanks for putting up with the rambling. I've not spoken to anyone about what has happened, only his best friend, and it's a great relief to discover this forum.

Sweetie I don't know what to advise you. If I was starting out, just like you, it would be very difficult for me to stay in a relationship that had gone sour so early.

FYI, we had been blissfully M for 30 yrs, but were living apart due to family problems - troubled kids, and dying mother. My H is an academic, and I just couldn't follow him o/s yet again. We both agreed to do it this way. Yet 15 months in, he started an A with a female half his age - not because of being like minded with her, but because she was from the underclass of society (in Asia) who prey on aging men for money, because they have no other means of getting out of their miserable circumstances. She was attractive and she wrote to him to invite him to get to know her better and to teach her English. She knew he was M and in a position of privildge. She didn't care about him. He was a means to an end.

OK. My point is, living apart is a huge mistake. Absence does NOT make the heart grow stronger. We were the epitomy of a couple that were perfect together. We were the best of friends, since we were 14 and 15 yrs old. Our adult kids said we were like one person. Always agreed on everything and spent all our time together.

What you need to do is understand the psychology of an A. When you see how easily people become ensnared - for a number of reasons, but often it's for validation of something they feel the other person gives them - and often for men, a sexual outlet.

But, it's devastating to a relationship. You are young and some of what your H says sounds suss. (lying comes easy to him) But maybe just to save his M. Stay with him until the baby is born perhaps. Wish I could advise you better.

We are all feeling as you are feeling. Even after long and happy M. Betrayal is the bitterest of all pills to swallow.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. There are several pregnant betrayed spouses here. Try posting in general questions where there is more traffic.

You can start in Plan A (read all about it in the General Welcome to All New Builders thread here), while you are thinking things over.

I promise you that if you keep reading and posting here, you will be able to decide what to do and be happy about it. Remember they all lie when they get ensnared in an A. This is more about his weakness than you.

It is miserable when you first find out, but does get much better. Stick with us and we will help you through this.

Click on the link in my signature line.

thanks all for your replies. today is a really bad day and I really appreciate you guys. My baby boy is due in a a couple of weeks' time and I'm just so devestated at the state of things awaiting him. Things have turned out so differently. What's worse is I've quit my job a few months ago to be a full-time mother and now I feel as if I have no goals and no direction. Right now I'm just hanging on for my baby boy. In the beginning I felt he's better off if he's stillborn, but I know he is my responsibility and I must pull myself together for him.

Plan A - I've not read in detail but I gather it's something like luring your spouse back with honey. I've asked myself right from the start upon finding out if I have contributed to his A in any way, and the only thing I can come up with is that I couldn't physically be with him, to be his companion. And that was his choice - he could have completed the last leg of his PhD from home if he really really wanted to. I did what I could to make him feel less lonely - being the one who call and email everyday. He only started calling me everyday when his phone started "malfunctioning". I later found out that he didn't want me to call because she would be in his room almost every night.

Anyname, you're right. it's hard to stay when it's gone sour so early. Sadly, it's hard to go too, for various reasons, practical and emotional. I'm putting off major decisions till after tha baby is born. I just wish I've made a better choice with my life and I'm filled with intense sorrow that my actions will hurt a young child.

Don't give up just yet. Many couples go on to have a better marriage after something like this. Plan A is to show WH what a great life he could have with you.

Right now you are very hurt, but things do get better. I do believe that your husband cheated because of the long distance away from you. It is not an excuse, but probably contributed to the affair.

And remember, this is not your fault. It was his choice. Stick with us and we will help you through this. Trust that this program works, and you will be feeling good again.

Er...Plan A is for people whose spouse is still involved in an affair. It is a strategy to end an affair, and you don't really need to read about it.

I would say that your husband's plea to give him time to prove himself is reasonable. Right now you are probably in too much pain to make a rational decision, and you have no reason to believe him until/unless he DOES prove himself, anyway. I do suggest clicking on the link in my signature line and reading through all the resources therein (though you can ignore the Plan A links). However, if you do nothing else, buy "Surviving an Affair" and read it together. Discuss each chapter. DO THE QUESTIONAIRES!!!! When you are done with that, you will have a lot better idea about whether or not you should leave your marriage. You will also have a much better idea of what it takes to have a great marriage - which is valuable information whther or not you stay married to your current husband.

john, very useful link. thanks for compiling all the info for newbies like me. It gave me some hope and direction for a couple of days. I went to the bookshop today to look for Harley's book (surviving affair), determined to follow your sensible advice on the questionaires and finding the answer to THE question of whether or not to stay in this "marriage". I couldn't find the book and ended up looking at "divorce and how to move on", especially concerning children. Husband who was looking for his books later found me there and his expression became very strained. We then went to look for a wedding card for a mutual friend and I started crying in the shop.

I've stopped wearing my wedding ring the day I found out about A; I don't even feel married anymore. To be honest I'm pretty half-hearted about staying in this marriage and second thoughts are only for the sake of my child and not wanting to hurt our families. H's mum has just been hospitalised and I know he doesn't want to upset her with what's happened. All the same, it's really hard sometimes keeping all these under wraps. I don't want to live a lie, while he just wants to get things "back on track" asap.

He keeps refuting that there's more to the affair than a distraction, and he keeps insisting it was just physical. But there were times when he said the conversations - mostly verbal sparring (which I find slightly childish) - with OW was more important but that he can also find this with other friends and colleagues, and that what we share (values, outlooks, interests) matter more important to him. I think he's in denial and that he does want someone who also enjoy these sparring sessions and that he will be drawn into another affair to such a person.

I've also been wondering, if sex is really such a big need to men that few can withstand the temptation in a long-distance relationship? I knew OW made the first move and again the second night - she told me herself - but I don't blame her for his lies about his marital status and carrying on with her until the very night he left UK.

His capacity for lies frightens me. He wrote me a letter on the flight back thanking me for marrying me and saying that he will make it worth my while, and that if he seems a little distracted of late, it's because he's preoccupied with thoughts of how to be a good father and husband, both roles which he felt his own father had failed in. He never gave it to me because I found out about the affair soon after.
How could he write it with no self-awareness of his actions, no sense of irony? I asked him how he could tell me he loves me over the phone even as he was cheating on me - his reply: because he does love me and not OW, that he may have taken advantage of and betrayed my trust but it doesn't change the fact that he loves me. *blink*

I would have thought that he's playing with my head except he really seemed to believe all that - and that makes it even scarier. When I tore up the letters he had written me, he got really upset and said those were his heart and soul. When I said choosing him was the biggest mistake I've made in my life, he actually cried and said that's a greater abandonment than his affair.

I don't understand!