i am 29 yo and me and my w have been m for 7 years been togther for 19 y have 2 children i am a firefighter and farmer with no money trobles just found out my w had a A with her much older boss,and it been going on for 2y need help to know what i did wrong and what to do now all i realy wont to do is killllllll the guy but i know i cant do that she says she LOVES me but i dont what to think hell she lie for 2y whats a few more

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good place to be under the circumstances. Read all about Plan A on this forum under "General Welcome to All New Builders". That is where you should start.

Also I know your self-esteem is probably in the toilet, but as you understand more, you will feel better. Most women get ensnared in an affair because the other man is meeting emotional needs that she has. Usually it has little to do with sex.

Your wife says she loves you and that is a very good sign. Most will say they do not love their husband. So it sounds very promising.

If OM is married, you need to inform his wife. Also your wife will need to quit her job and have no contact with him for any reason. This is essential. She should send a letter that says:

I love my husband and we are working on making our marriage better than ever. Please do not contact me for any reason. The end.

If you post up on general questions, there is a lot more traffic and you will get more responses.

<small>[ November 15, 2004, 12:17 PM: Message edited by: Dissapointed ]</small>

thanks to u both u where very helpful,yes been friends as children started dating at the age of 16,she is not working anymore,and wonts to be happy agine with me,but i am the problome i wont let it rest i wont her to be sorry to the point that it makes me fill better but i still have so much anger toward the OM that i cant do day to day things i have used up all my time at the fire station because i cant stand being there for 24 hours,yes thay were meeting when i was on shift that is prob. the reasion i cant stand being at work,thanks to u both pray for me and i will read up on plan A

Please post on general questions. You will get many more responses there. Your feelings are normal. Please let us help you through this.

emt602,

You said you "need help to know what i did wrong and what to do now."

First, please know you did NOTHING to cause her to have an affair. There is no excuse, no justification for an affair. You may have been 50% responsible for the marriage being in the fragile state that ALLOWED an affair to occur but her CHOICE to have an affair was NOT the answer. If she was unhappy, dissatisfied, lonely, feeling neglected,,etc,, she could have come to you with her problems, talked to you, requested counseling. You can accept responsibility for your part of the state of the marriage prior to the affair but the AFFAIR is HER fault, her choice, her poor decision.

And what can you do now?

Has she ended the affair? Did she send him a No Contact letter to assure you (and him) it was over? Have you two been to counseling? Do you know what her feelings are and why she felt the need to turn to someone else? Do you know what her most important needs are? Does she know yours?

Don't push this under the rug and think it will go away. The ONLY way to get through this successfully is to work THROUGH it. It's difficult, heartbreaking but necessary.