I wish that I had found this site when my nightmare began but I am gratified to be able to see some practical and positive comments about saving a marriage after infidelity.

My 7-year marriage came to a crashing halt on a Thursday night when I came home to find the computer left on with a series of emails between my wife and her lover. I was not only devastated by the act but also in the vicious manner in which I was made aware of it. My wife had made arrangement to spend some time overnight with her best friend so when I read the emails I was positive that she had abandoned me to be with this lover. I found out later that this scenario had not occurred.

Her explanation was that she had a one-night stand with a boat employee on a recent cruise that she had gone on with her best friend. The reason for the cruise was that her friend had won a contest and needed someone to complete her “ trip for two”. I will say that my wife and I have rarely been apart other than for our daily work schedules. Neither she nor I have any other nighttime commitments so we virtually spend all of our non-working time together.

I left that Thursday night and spent the next week in our second home about 150 miles away. Beyond having to deal with shock, anger and disbelief, I confess that a lot of my thoughts went to my role and responsibility in this affair. After a week of grueling introspection, I determined that I was not prepared to have my marriage die without giving my all in an attempt at reconciliation. I sent her an email apologizing for whatever I had done to force her to go to such extreme action to show me her state of unhappiness in our marriage. I invited her to call me if she was interested in reconciliation. I received an immediate reply if the affirmative stating that “ she was amazed and shocked to read of my offer, since she probably would not have been that strong a person if the situation had been reversed”. We spent the next two hours on the phone discussing what had occurred. She agreed to come to couples counseling the next day. While in the counseling session the next day I reiterated my pledge to work on forgiveness and an attempt to forget this painful episode. I also told her I had two non—negotiable terms for our reconciliation attempts: She was to immediately stop all correspondence with the other man with written proof of that final email forwarded to me. Secondly, she was to promise me, in writing, that she would never lie to me again. She readily agreed. My heart soared as we left the counseling session but I felt an uneasiness knowing the enormous amount of work that we both faced.

I moved back home on Saturday and we spent two days talking like we had not done since our first few days of our marriage. We made love several times and I was amazed that in the fact that I was able to block out all thoughts of what had happened. She said the sex was amazing, like when we first were married, and that she was positive that she had never expected it to feel that way again.

On the following Monday, we went back to work and she called me at midmorning to tell me that her cell phone had rung several times and that she wanted to make sure it was not me. She told me how much she loved me and as I hung up I can’t tell you how touched and elated I was by her call. But a few minutes later some suspicions arose in my mind that things were just a little too good to be true. I am somewhat of a computer nerd and I had installed a software program that would direct all incoming emails and their answers to my email address. I logged on and was devastated to find that she had corresponded with other man that morning while I was in the shower. At lunch I drove home, packed most of my clothes and left a note about her most recent betrayal. She called my office later in the afternoon almost hysterical asking what had happened between this morning’s phone call and now. I refused to take her call but I informed my secretary to give her a simple two-word explanation, “ You Lied”

Two days later I was served with divorce papers at work. I told my attorney to make the process happen as quickly and civilly as possible. I emphasized that I would not participate in any direct communication with my wife. Those duties were what I hired him to perform.

Fast-forward to 6 weeks later and I have not had any contact with her other than several attempts to contact me about some small inane details that were an obvious attempt to engage me in some type of conversation. Each time I politely but very firmly told her that no communication would occur without the two written promises we had previously agreed upon being received at my email address.

Yesterday I came across the marriage builders web site and I am concerned that I had made some terrible errors in regards to my post affair actions.

Have I done something wrong? Why won’t she comply with our agreement and end this affair she admits is only based on sporadic email contact (he is located three thousand miles away) and “ means nothing to her”.

Any input would be greatly appreciated

Hello,

I am sorry for what you have been going through.
There are many wise people on this board that will help you. I think I would have liked to know what her reasons were for continuing contact with this guy and calling him when you were in the shower? Why would she do these things after you had forgive her and things seemed to be going so well? I also find it interesting that she immediately had you served with divorce papers two days later which would mean this was not a spur of the moment decision. I think she had this planned previously to have it done so quickly.
This makes me wonder that there is more to this story. It sounds like her affair (I hope you were both checked before you were intimate again) was an exit affair and she was planning something already.

The bottom line seems to me that you were more than far and only asked her to follow two conditions which she could not do. She admitted she would not have been so accepting if the roles were reversed. You gave her an opportunity by forgiving her and she continued to lie to you and then immediately serves you with papers. How could you possibly trust her after this? Again I think there is more to this story that your wife has told. Something does not add up here. Are you so sure she had not met this man beforehand? Again the divorce papers served was awful quick. I think she had a plan B option all along. I don't think you have the full story. I wish you luck.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bryanp:
<strong> Hello,

I am sorry for what you have been going through.
There are many wise people on this board that will help you. I think I would have liked to know what her reasons were for continuing contact with this guy and calling him when you were in the shower? Why would she do these things after you had forgive her and things seemed to be going so well? I also find it interesting that she immediately had you served with divorce papers two days later which would mean this was not a spur of the moment decision. I think she had this planned previously to have it done so quickly.
This makes me wonder that there is more to this story. It sounds like her affair (I hope you were both checked before you were intimate again) was an exit affair and she was planning something already.

The bottom line seems to me that you were more than far and only asked her to follow two conditions which she could not do. She admitted she would not have been so accepting if the roles were reversed. You gave her an opportunity by forgiving her and she continued to lie to you and then immediately serves you with papers. How could you possibly trust her after this? Again I think there is more to this story that your wife has told. Something does not add up here. Are you so sure she had not met this man beforehand? Again the divorce papers served was awful quick. I think she had a plan B option all along. I don't think you have the full story. I wish you luck. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am sorry but in my writing I was unclear that it had been almost two weeks from the date that I found out and the day I received the divorce papers. Thank you for your kind words and thoughts

After further thought, I have the OM email address. Should I take the bull by the horns and ask him out of decency to not respond to my wife's emails

Hello again,

I thought it was intersting the words you used.
You asked if you should contact the OM and ask him out of decency not to respond to her emails.
My friend what makes you think the OM has a sense of decency? His actions indicate just the opposite. He had sex with a married woman. Is this decent behavior? He continues to engage in an emotional affair with the same married woman. Is this decent behavior. What makes you think he would care what you ask him. I would try to find out if he is married and if so contact his wife.
The bottom line is that you will be asking for decent behavior from a person who engages and continues to engage in indecent behavior.
I think the bigger problem is your wife. What makes you think she would stop looking for someone else? Your wife has made these choice for her own reasons. She could have said no but she said yes and continued to lie to you. It is her behavior and her choice that are the real problem not some external OM. I wish you luck.

You did a pretty good Plan A followed by Plan B, for not having read anything here. There were two places you erred, IMO. (1) you did not expose her affair. (see the Plan A links in my signature line link for more information). (2) You seriously underestimated the difficulty she would have in complying with your conditions, and therefore leapt to divorce directly when they were not met (I know she filed - but you did nothing to delay fight the action). The reason Plan B letters are recommended is because of the difficulty most WS's have in ending the affair. It is simply reality that for many, it takes a while, so the Plan B letter gives them the time to do it without going to Plan D right away. It is possible to reconcile after a divorce (my brother-in-law did), but the farther away you get from one another, the farther it is to come back.

You establishing conditions for reconciliation is entirely appropriate, and the conditions you asked for are reasonable. If I were you, I would send your a wife a letter much like a Plan B letter, stating that you are still willing to work on reconciliation if whe is willing to comply with your two conditions, as well as go to joint marriage counseling with a competent pro-marriage counselor (see part 2 of my signature line link for that), and to follow their recommendations - and that you are willing to be completely honest with her, and follow a counselor's recommendations, as well. Until that time, you will have no contact with her, as it is too painful for you.

Hi, I live in California too. Welcome to marriagebuilders. This is a great site, and I am very hopeful for your marriage.

WS's find it very hard to have no contact with their affair partner. It is almost like an addiction.

WAT is an expert here, so I hate to disagree with him, but I think you need to be in Plan A for awhile. This is all too new for you. But at any rate, keep posting and reading. We will help you get through this.

Thanks to all of you caring souls for your input. Today has been a really rough day because of her attempted contact yesterday. Whenever that kind of thing happens, I hope that psychologically she is on the edge and teetering towards trying to work at our marriage again. Then when I don't hear from her it is nothing but pure devastation. I jump when the phone rings,when the computer beeps and when my pager goes off. How does everyone else that has gone through this keep their sanity. I know the recomendations is medication but I am a surgeon and the SSRI's impair my manual dexterity. The only relief I get is through running to exhaustion and prayer.

Please tell me where to find Plan B Letters. I have looked all over the site and done a search with no success

You feel like crap right now, but things will get better. I still think you should be in Plan A.

However, a plan B letter goes like this:

WW - I love you and always thought we would be together. I am sorry for my part in letting our marriage get tho the point that you needed to find solace with someone else.

To protect my love for you, I need to have no contact with you.

If you ever want to have NC with OM, I would love to discuss plans for our reconciliation.

from What Are Plan A and Plan B (by Dr. Harley himself): </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Plan A is for the betrayed spouse to negotiate with the wayward spouse to totally separate from the lover without angry outbursts, disrespect, and demands. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So, yes, you may wish to pursue Plan A for a while before Plan B. You are in a rather difficult place in that if you do, it will make you seem inconsistent. That may be OK, it may not, you might want to consult an MC.

Sample Plan B letters. Also, please get "Survivng an Affair" and read it.

<small>[ May 24, 2004, 06:21 AM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

Cy: I agree with Bryanp's comments.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You asked if you should contact the OM and ask him out of decency not to respond to her emails. My friend what makes you think the OM has a sense of decency? His actions indicate just the opposite. He had sex with a married woman. Is this decent behavior? He continues to engage in an emotional affair with the same married woman. Is this decent behavior. What makes you think he would care what you ask him. I would try to find out if he is married and if so contact his wife.
The bottom line is that you will be asking for decent behavior from a person who engages and continues to engage in indecent behavior. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">After I discovered my W's A, I confronted the OM. I told him that he was not allowed on my property or allowed to talk to my W. I told him that verbally 3 times and by mail once. His W was told. He has since stopped and talked to my W when she was out walking and just outside. He thought she "wanted to talk." He says that he respects my wishes, but his actions have shown otherwise. Hope that helps! Good luck and hang in there, it's a roller coaster of emotions that you'll be on for the forseeable future.

Thanks to both for your opinions.Yet, I am having a hard time reading what Dr H says about exposing the affair and the role enabling plays in the matter. My wife has always relied on me to keep the many secrets of her family and their personal lives ( infidelity, drug addiction, physical and sexual abuse, lesbianism etc) hidden from everyone else. I strongly feel( as did our marriage counselour) that those problems had a lot do with the situation that we find ourselves in now. Exposing them( I don't mean to Joe blow walking down the street) tells her I will no longer play those games. Thanks again for all your input!

cymanca,,, After I discovered my wifes affair, I gave her some conditions she would have to meet to assure me the affair was over,, first she called OM with me on the phone and said I hate that Ive done this and I never want to see you again,, I regret the day I met you and I will never hurt my husband, children, and family again.
she changed her cell # changed the home phone,, she has done everything I asked,,, still the anger and hurt forced me to take a brake and move out,, I went straight to plan b when in truth I have no doubt the fling is over. She has fought for me everyday and said it doesnt matter how long you need I will be here. Your wife told you she had no problem ending the affair, and she may not,, I would bet that the OM is not willing. And will use the same tactics to get her back as he used to get her to betray you. Still like another said you have to ask for honesty, my wife told me everything when I confronted her,, I think she did so because it was a relief off of her, she wanted it to end, she was tired of the lieing and guilt she felt. I dont think your wife has done this for you which you definately deserve. Call your moving out a little break to deal with reality, do not avoid contact,,, at least conversation you might find that your compassion and persistent care is exactly what she needs to end her relationship with O/M. If you want your marriage to recover I myself have learned that you cant let her make 100% of the decisions. When you have exhausted all attempts to help her end her affair then plan b is inevidible.

After I discovered my wifes affair, I gave her some conditions…
So she did everything you asked and you still move dout?

I went straight to plan b
Did you go to Plan B & send a letter?
Or did you just get pissed off, move out and ignore her? This is not Plan B.

I implemented Plan A & B without knowing of their existence( I was unaware of MB at that time). And no ,I just did not get p*ssed off and leave. Our agreement was delineated at our MC session. I was very clear that I could not tolerate anymore actions that were destructive to our marriage and my love for my wife, and as I stated in my original message, she did not hesitate to agree with those two rules. I was told in a previous post to go back to Plan A even though it made me look very inconsistent and I am wrestling with pros/cons of that path as we speak. Tanks again to everyone for your kind input

There is nothing wrong with the way you handled things even before you came to this site.

Hold the line that you have drawn and stay the course you are on. You are showing her self respect and confidence. Don't get caught up in all of this plan A and plan B jargon.

Fast-forward to 6 weeks later and I have not had any contact with her other than several attempts to contact me about some small inane details that were an obvious attempt to engage me in some type of conversation. Each time I politely but very firmly told her that no communication would occur without the two written promises we had previously agreed upon being received at my email address.

You have handled this beautifully.. Keep holding strong on what you have BOTH AGREED upon earlier.
Deep down she will respect you because you showed strength. If you really STUDY what happens when a WS comes back, you will see it is almost ALWAYS when the BS has finally drawn the line in the sand(they call it plan b on here I guess) and let the WS know what was and was not acceptable to reconcile. The WS knows in their heart they are wrong, and the sooner you let go the sooner they stop blaming you for the problems and the sooner the GUILT comes back to them.... There is way too much hanging on to plan A on this site and not enough people having the courage and insight to START out and STAY strong early in the process. The ones who do have a MUCH higher success rate....

She WILL be back.....

Keepmvn4wrd..

Thanks for your reply. Especially the last line. The only three sure things I have going for me are 1. I have always loved my wife. 2. I am eternal optimist 3. my faith in God

Our agreement was delineated at our MC session. I was very clear that I could not tolerate anymore actions that were destructive to our marriage and my love for my wife, and as I stated in my original message, she did not hesitate to agree with those two rules.
Okay, she immediately agreed to those two rules.

I confess that a lot of my thoughts went to my role and responsibility in this affair.
You had absolutely NO role in the affair. That was solely your wifes doing.

Why won’t she comply with our agreement and end this affair she admits is only based on sporadic email contact (he is located three thousand miles away) and “ means nothing to her”.
Because it’s an affair. They don’t simply “end”, even if the wayward spouse wants them to. I ttakes a lot of work, willpower and understanding from both people.

I was told in a previous post to go back to Plan A even though it made me look very inconsistent and I am wrestling with pros/cons of that path as we speak.
You should read “Surviving An Affair” by Dr Willard Harley. Also, read the links below.

<small>[ May 24, 2004, 03:59 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Keepmvn4wrd

I have taken the liberty to look up your other posts and am very encouraged by what I read. One question; my wife has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Does this pose any unforseen problems? Any tricks for me , especially at nighttime when the demons start their howl and I am almost crawling out of my skin?