If I had found this place before discovery and confrontation, what would I have done differently?<P>I'm the betrayed and snooped and found evidence of my H's affair, confronted him, and end result is he wanted to stay and work it out......says he didn't want to lose me....etc......all the things an emotionally wounded person needs to hear.....that was 10 months ago. But I know that he continues to either lie outright or withhold information.....This brings me to what would I have done differently if I had found this site, before I confronted him......<P>1. I would not have agreed to work on it, until he ended the affair, with me listening. Even a letter that I mailed wouldn't have helped as he could explain away the letter......You see I think it's still going on, at least on an emotionl level, as I have no first hand knowledge. This is a big issue for me, as my gut tells me it's not over!!!<P>2. I should have insisted on the details, not of the affair, but of what was (is) wrong with our marriage that made he go to her. After 10 months, I still have no idea what to work on in our marriage, as he tells me nothing was wrong.<P>3. We should have shared our needs with one another......because now we seem to only focus on the need to fix what's broken now, not what has caused it to be broken.<P>If you had it to do over, knowing what you know now, what would you do differently? I mean from discovery forward......

Although I suspected the affair, I guess I was in denial. The way I went about confronting the issue is the first thing I would have changed. I would not have dropped nasty little hints of what I thought I knew and I would not have made rude comments when he was being a jerk. I would have gone out alone without our son and talked about issues of us - not about affair.<P>From discovery, I knew I wanted to work on saving our marriage. If he had said he didn't love me I would have probably acted differently. Anyway, for the most part the only thing I would change is..... When I feel panicked about something or completely out of control, I have acted without a clear head and have said and acted in a way that I wish I had not. I got medication yesterday to help me when I feel like I need a little for control. Those times I have said things I wish I could take away. I even went as far as pushing plan B - I did a letter and everything. This was after he said he wanted to move and explore his feelings. I wish I had been supportive and loving about it. Instead, I panicked and said then if you move there is to be no contact. I want to take that back. The best I have done so far is to put it on hold at least until we talk to Dr. Harley. I also explained in the card I gave him last night that I did want to take that back. <P>I am rambling sorry. I think that we all would do some things differently. The problem is once you have done them they are done. Therefore you change your behavior and do what needs to be done. <P>1. It is not too late to get to the issue of whether the affair is still going on - insist on him cutting off all contact. Tell him why you feel it is still going on even if it is just emotional. Take care of yourself!<P>2. If you all are going to make the marriage work, it is vital that you get to the bottom of what made the affair possible. Otherwise, it will happen again or you will live your lives in misery.<P>3. Share your needs!!!!!<P>Good luck!<P>------------------<BR>H

I would have tried to get him to agree to staying until after we had been to marriage counseling for a few months. <P>When I first found the OW's phone number on his cell phone, I wouldn't have accepted his explanation. I told him I thought something was terribly wrong, but he denied it. I should have specifically asked him if he was seeing someone else. When I finally did ask, the day he told me he wanted a divorce, I should have been looking straight into his eyes.<P>Either that or I should have gone into pre-discovery Plan A, and never confronted him about anything.<BR>