Are ya back yet?

O

Hi 10Girl,

No I am not back yet, I am leaving tonight and will get back Sunday night. Thanks for thinking of me!I will try to log on when I am at mom's but that is always a pain in the butt operating at dial up speed.

Well, I just got back from mom's birthday and it was a combination a joyous celebration for her and my attempts to explain to relatives about my WW not being there. I used several excuses and they seemed to work fine. I have told my older sister and she was able to give me a lot of moral support. It was excruciating emotionally especially when my mother spoke for a few minutes at the end of the reception and said it would have been perfect if only my WW had been there. I excused myself and made it to the lavatory before I broke down and cried like a baby. After a few minutes I was able to compose myself and returned to the party.

I also had a lot of time on the plane back east and decided that following other posters advice, I would confront the OM. I sent him a long, threatening email. I told him if he did not immediately stop contacting my wife, I would report the incident to the cruise line and would hire a PI to investigate his background. Within a couple of hours I had an email from my WW furious that I had sent an email that may cost this "innocent "OM his job! She told me to give up the harassment ( I haven't contacted her in 8 weeks) and to just accept the fact that our marriage was over years ago. Unfortumately I could not resist a quick retort as to the moral and ethical character of this man with a question of how she could defend a man that preys on married woman. No reply from that email at this time.

I need the name of a good private investigator that could get me info on the OM. This is complicated by his cruise line being based in the Caribbean but I believe the home port is in Puerto Rico and they have offices in Florida. Would appreciate hearing from anyone with recomendations

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Cymanca:
...I need the name of a good private investigator that could get me info on the OM.... Would appreciate hearing from anyone with recomendations</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why do you need to involve a PI? You have a copy of the message you sent him, and you have a copy of the message your wife sent you. There's an obvious link.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Cymanca:
... I would confront the OM. I sent him a long, threatening email. I told him if he did not immediately stop contacting my wife, I would report the incident to the cruise line ... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So, after your message he did contact your wife again. Looks like he didn't take your message seriously - were you bluffing? If not, report the incident.

YS

No bluff, I have sent a certified letter to the cruise line describing in detail this creep's actions. The PI is to find out if there is a wife, girlfriend etc. I think I need to know as much about him as I can at this point.

Ahh yes, that makes sense. My brain was hung up on establishing proof (irrelevant), but the PI makes sense in determining significant others in his life. Do you know his name? A simple google search with the Cruise line and his name may turn up something.

YS

Thanks, but I have done a pretty exhaustive search on most search engines. I believe he is a Spanish National or perhaps Puerto Rican and the cruise line is registered in the Bahamas. Any other ideas would be most welcome!

Well my WW showed up at my office today unannounced. She brought some bills that needed to be paid but we first started talking very nicely and then I blew it big time. I asked her why I had not received the NC letter like she had promised almost 3 months ago. She dodged the question but after more questions she admitted to emailing him almost every other day and having 1 hour phone conversations with him. She says she can't understand why I am so fixated on a person that she has not seen in three months. I lost it . I asked her how could she defend a piece of sh$t like that when she knew he had done this many times before. She said she was the guilty party and not "cabin boy" and my anger should be directed at her.

I asked her in the entire time we have been separated had she looked at one book, read anything on the internet or sought counseling. She replied no with a slight smile.

I told her it takes two to make a marriage and she obviously was not part of that pair. I reminded her that her divorce timing had only 3 months left to run and then the judge would be settling the case. She said she did not want that and my reply was then send the no contact letter. She said that was promise she had made 3 months ago and she should not be held accountable for that action. After I told her that I hoped cabin boy could provide the physical, emotional, medical and monetary needs for her once he got fired, I booted her a$$ out the door.

I know what I did was wrong but it felt sooooo good. I am afraid my marriage is truly over.

Hello,

My guess is what you did will force her out of the fog once and for all. She made a promise to you 3 months ago and did not do it so she feels she should not be held to it now? How ridiculous.
Did you read the book Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson? Read the story by Binder who believed he was a doormat too long and now his marriage is over. I think what you are doing makes a lot of sense. I do agree with her in that your focus on the OM as the problem is misguided. She admits she deliberate made the choices she did because she wanted to do this. She sounds like Clinton when he said he did it because he could. I wish you luck.

Bryanp

I appreciate your thoughts. AS far as the focus on the OM, I have not mentioned him to her in the 8 weeks we've been apart. I guess some of my plan was misguided and I should have followed though on the OM weeks ago. I have also communicated with her new "best friend" asking her to be kind enough to remove herself from my wife's support section(apparently the only one). I do not know if that will do any good.

I have gotten a reply from the lead attorney for the cruise line this am " Thanking me for the letter and that these allegations would be investigated immediately". The web pages on maritime law and especially rape/sexual assault on board ships is plentiful and scary but the general consensus is that the lines fight everything vigorously and in a review of the last 100 allegations, not one employee has been fired or disciplined.

BTW your comment was right on the money. Years ago I told her that at times her actions were very similar to Clinton. Like him , she has always seem to carry a sense of entitlement. " I could do this because I'm me and that should be reason enough"

Hi Cymanca,

I just got through reading your updates.See what happens when you interact with the WS? It's time to hunker down in a deep,dark Plan B again.It's almost predictable what happens when a BS contacts an OP.They run like little scared children to the WS and tattle. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Frankly,that loser OM should just be ignored.You have to focus on you and your wife and stick to the plan.We have all LB'd at some point so just try not to do that again if you can.I shouldn't talk because I have had my fair share but it doesn't help anyone but yourself and in the meantime,you just look like a crazed lunatic in the fogged eyes of your WS.

Also,if you let your emotions run wild by trying to find out every tidbit of info on the OP it may turn your insides out.I know that if I even think about the homewrecker,I want to put her in the intensive care unit so maybe she will feel some of the pain she has put me through BUT that's just folly for us BS's.Too much energy and time spent on these pretentious users.

Get back to taking care of yourself and be incommunicado for now.Find some way of letting your WW know that it is not appropriate at this time to be "dropping by" to see you unannounced so that will save you from that emotional attack.Do you have an intermediary? Sorry,I don't remember if you do.

O

10girl,

Thanks for looking for me! Yeah, after a very good 9 week dark period, I think I blew it big time. I can't say that I was looking for it, I walked into my personal office and my office staff did not warn me.

Last night I was the lowest I have been since I found out. Not only because she admitted the amount of contact, but because I could not control my emotions. I think the play acting back home in front of mom and my family just came raging out. I am sure she needed that scene to reinforce how I feel about her, so I definitely gave her that shot of affair heroin or cake she was looking for.

It was just the utter coldness and complete lack of any apparent remorse that has absolutely killed my hope! For the first time I truly believe that maybe my marriage is unsalvageable. Sorry for crying on your shoulder but it has been a very tough week for me. Again thanks for your interest and prayers

Hi again,

Sorry you had a rough time last night and during the week.It goes with the territory unfortunately.

I remember the few times I was tricked by my WH into contact in my Plan B and it set me back days.I had to do extra work just to recover and at the time,I was barely holding on by a thread.I hadn't become a Plan B "expert" yet.lol

Listen,don't worry about falling off the B wagon.Almost ALL of us have done so at some time or another.And more than once.It's nearly impossible to execute a flawless Plan B(especially if you have kids) but I know there have been those chosen few who have(i.e.Mortarman).You just have to pick yourself up,dust yourself off and hop back on.It wasn't your fault either but you just never know what a WS is capable of sometimes, right?

Maybe you should come over to the GQII board.There is more traffic there and you aren't part of the JFO group anymore.You're past that stage.Just a thought.

You'll be in my prayers as all my fellow MB'ers are.Hang in there.


O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

10Girl,

You are amazing! Just when I needed a pat on the back, you've come through again. You are right, it's to the GQ2 board I go

10Girl,

BTW you will be happy to know I am moving out of my friend's house next week. He has been very gracious but I know I have been cramping his style. I found a small unfurnished apartment that I will have on a month-to-month basis( Always the optimist).

LOL.

I guess your friend needs his space for all those lady friends right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Be sure to decorate your new apt.with some comforts of home.You don't want to live in a place that isn't supportive of what you are going through.A cold,dark,sparse apt.is not very appealing.

Anyhoo,glad to see that you will be joining us on the GQII board.That's where I am most of the time.It's become much more busy even since I started here.Lots of new members unfortunately.

Bon nuit.

O