If you read the post Desperate help needed, I give more detail behind my story, but I 'm not getting much response so I thought I'd post another subject. I am needing desperate help. I've ben married 10 yrs. The first yr in our marriage, while I was 9 months pregnant my husband slept with his ex-girlfriend with whom he already had a child with. I just found out less than two months ago because they had an argument and I overheard some details. Well, just two days ago he informs me of another affair that happned four years ago. It lasted 6 months. This was with someone he met on his job site. I am so devestated, hurt, angry, and could rip his head off. (Again read desperate help needed for details that I may leave out here)

What I think it boils down to is that I did not perform sexually for him the way he desired me to. He got it from me any time he want, but many times I'd just lay there. Does this make me responsible for his straying?

My main concern is...do I have a right to ask him specific questions such as her name, where she lived, where they met, if he brought her to my house, what was it like, what did they do, and so on.

Our marriage only became what we desired in a marriage three years ago on our own determination to make us work. But I was unaware of all this information. Should this information change what we have built our marriage to be over the last three years? Is the last three years based on a lie? And HOW IN THE WORLD do I stop thinking of him with another woman do sexual things with her that should have only been done with me?

My husband is a wonderful man now. We are saved and in church where he has gone to Africa five times to do mission work. I went with him once.

Where do I go from here. Do I leave well enough alone? Do I talk to him about it to get details? How long will I hurt and feel betrayed?
Help! Help! Help!

I'm sorry you have found yourself here. I will try to find your other post, but for now the answer is yes. You will need to talk about the As and it is perfectly normal to feel betrayed although you have improved your relationship. It's as if you are finding out about a current A. The feelings are similar.

Read as much as you can on this site and pick up the book, "Surviving an Affair". You might also go to marriage counseling to have someone else guide you through this difficult time.

I asked as much as I could about the OW and their relationship. I did want to know details, but FWS was wise in not telling me specifics. My imagination is bad enough and I read enough of their text messages.

I suspect your FWS will not want to talk about the As (they are over and done with), but you will need something to get past this. Is he willing to go to MC?

He is willing to do anything I think will make this situation better. The only thing he is reluctant in is me asking questions because he says I will just get more angry and hurt and it will do nothing to make this any better. But like I said he is willing to do anything.

yeah, it's normal to want to ask about OW. One month after finding out I'm still popping questions.

But in the very beginning, I went one step further, I called OW and asked her myself - when it started, if they had protected sex, if he had said he loved her etc. But I'm "lucky" in that she was young, didn't know about his marital status and taken by surprise by the early morning call and answered everything in a daze. (but I wasn't mean to her, and she even told WH that she was grateful that I treated her with absolute decency.)

I guess you have to know what you can take. as ibc says, the imagination is bad enough. WH knows me well enough to keep reiterating after every question/answer session that the A was just physical and that he doesn't love OW. Takes a bit of the sting away.

If there's anything that MUST be asked, be sure to ask about protected sex. WH said yes but OW said no - argh! WH has since gone for two checkups after I put him on a massive guilt trip for risking my and our soon to be born child's health at risk. Sometimes they think it's better to spare you the truth but don't let the protected sex question slip past ever.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mryan:
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My main concern is...do I have a right to ask him specific questions such as her name, where she lived, where they met, if he brought her to my house, what was it like, what did they do, and so on.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is a tuff one... I know I grilled my wife about every detail of her affair... End result was that I had to eat the fact that the other guy was better in bed then me... I knew this prior to questioning her due to my spying and reading their emails and chat history... Just like a bad car accident I had to LOOK!

It is devastating to find out the person you love has moved their sexual activity outside the marriage... In my case I had a premature ejaculation problem to beat and with the help of my family doctor and a few months doing some special exercises I can now last as long as I want, in fact longer then my W wishes I would..

Remember, it is NEVER your fault when your S.O. moves sex outside your relationship..

Because of the "A" I talked to my doctor about my PE issue and ended up beating it.. In the end because of the affair I learned things about my own body that I should have known. I was able to defeat something that had caused me much embarassment throughout my sexual life. In a way, even though it hurt me a great deal I was able to turn this thing into a positive...

On the other hand if you are not sexually attracted to your husband then you may have something going on that your doctor could help with... That you gave your husband sex when he asked for it is more then most can get.. I wish you all the best and know first hand how it hurts...