Although I "knew" of my W's affair for sometime with a man from her job (who lives out of town), (and was in denial), I chose to bring it in the open 2 months ago (in therapy). (Foolishly) I demanded she cut it off in total. When I asked if she did, her response was "Yes, I told him it was not in my best interests to continue the friendship" (her exact words). FYI: I did not expose the affair to his wife.

Today, she went to work "early". I called his work number to hear he was on travel (no ID of city, could it be here?). When I called her, she was "on another call", which is odd at 7:05 a.m. (the normal time they first chatted for the day).

My 'fear' is that he is back in town, she knows that, and they were talking this morning.

I want to know. I'm tired of trying to be a gatekeeper.

Should I call his wife and (1) tell her who I am, and (2) try and find out if he's on travel to my city?

I know revealing the affair now may seem to be revengeful, but, I'm wondering if the exposure would help to keep them apart. Perhaps his wife is also in denial. She probably suspects.

Please let me know what you all think. I truly respect your advice and counsel.

Hello,

It is exactly this reason why marriagebuilders strongly advocates the telling of the OM's wife.
By not telling the OM's wife there is no incentive for him not to pursue your wife on an ongoing basis. What you have done is to enable the affair to continue at a later date. These are the consequences of having an affair.

It is important for her to send a no contact letter to him that you read. Her statement that I told him it was not in my best interests to continue the affair is very poor. The message seems to be that she was caught and at this time it is not in her interest (because you know) to continue the affair at the present time.

Again the Harley believe it is critical for the OM's wife to be informed of the affair. It is not a question of revenge. It is a question of saving your marriage or otherwise you really are enabling the affair to continue at a later date.
I wish you luck.

I may be off the mark here, but, my wife left for work early this morning, which is unusual for her. (After her A was discovered, we have gone to work together). I left the house about 10 minutes after she did. Got to work and called her. Don't know why, just a 'gut feeling'. No answer at her desk. No answer on her work cell phone. She did answer her personal cell phone and just sounded "off". She said she was on the other line at her desk and would call me when done.
That little voice inside told me to call the OM. When I did, he had left a voice mail saying he was on travel. (don't forget, they live in different cities). My first thought was, he's here in town, and contacting my W.
I confronted her last night, she insisted she did not know where the OM was, and that she was on the phone with another co-worker.
My insides are like ground beef. I don't know how long I can hold on, I just don't know if I want to be a gatekeeper the rest of my life.
Honestly, these feelings really suck.

Time for a voice activated recorder or a private investigator. You need to know for sure. And please consider telling the guy's poor wife! It could benefit all concerned. Time to get this out in the light of day...jmho

<small>[ May 27, 2004, 07:54 AM: Message edited by: realitychkd chick ]</small>

I have a voice activated recorder, have SPECTOR software on my PC to record all activity. What I don't have is access to her work e-mail and/or her work cell phone. Don't forget, they 'work' together. Different cities, of course, but they still work for the same group.

Okay John,

Here is a decisive reply that I hope will make sense to you. Yes, you should without a doubt contact his wife if you suspect that contact has not ended. Not out of vindictiveness....but as part of Plan A which is designed to end affairs. Here are parameters of Plan A per cerri:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Plan A is not (repeat NOT) about making the WS happy, or feeling good.

Plan A is NOT, contrary to popular (and very incorrect opinion), about "making yourself a better person," or "working on yourself."

Plan A is ALL ABOUT the straying spouse. In Willard Harely's ever brilliant words, Plan A is a stategy to end the affair and to entice the straying spouse to reconsider the marriage.

So, it has several elements that should be done at the same time.

First is to eliminate LBers and to meet needs as best you can... recognizing that the unfaithful mate may not allow the betrayed partner to meet needs.

Second is to CONFRONT the unfaithful partner with what you know. Doing so (of course) in a way that is respectful and about you... how you feel, how you are affected by the affair.

Third is to expose the affair to the scrutiny of the world. The lover's spouse or s/o, coworkers, family, friends, church family, children, etc.

ALL OF THAT is Plan A. And it should be done as much as possible simultaneously. (If you don't believe me call the radio show Mondays and Thursdays at 1pm Central Time and ask Dr. Harley for yourself.)

Plan A must have a deadline. It's called Plan "A" because there is a second step... aptly named Plan "B." Willard Harley suggests a max of 6 months for men and 3 months for women before going to the next step. If Plan A hasn't worked in that time, it's not going to.

(I challenge you to find anyone who has done Plan A longer than that and been successful. I define successful as the A ending, n/c promised and verified, and the couple working a good recovery plan which includes meeting needs, eliminating LBers, getting in 15 hours a week of UAT, and most importantly following POJA.)
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And here are some thoughts about exposure:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=29;t=004382#000004 read the whole thread but especially this:

REASON number 1: Exposure ends affairs, by ruining secrecy, injecting conflict and bringing about moral scrutiny and accountability of the partners.

*affairs need secrecy....when you keep it secret, you become a third party in an affair...an enabler.

*exposing affairs brings the censure of the WS's peers and family in such a way that can help them rethink their actions and reawaken their morality....afterall...if all of us were video taped our whole lives...how many would act immorally if everyone would immediately know?

*because affairs work like addictions, telling the other spouse (as well as others) ensures that the A has pressure on both ends and other sources, to stop. When BOTH marriages have accountability...contact becomes twice as difficult to resume. The results of resuming an affair are so devastating, that it's a necessary pain.

*Without the other spouse knowing, and with secrecy intact, no accountability....what's to keep the OP from repeating this with someone else? Don't assume that this is a one time thing. Or that there is no possibility that it could happen again. When you keep this information from the people directly involved, you set those people up for a repetition of it. No accountability=vulnerability.

*The other spouse deserves the option of being tested for STDs since her mate has been unfaithful.

*The other spouse deserves the option of repairing their marriage knowing what condition it is in. How can they change, meet their spouse's needs, understand the vulnerability without knowing the facts? My husband's affairs are one reason I have become the wife that I am. I have faced these demons and changed myself and my marriage so that we don't repeat the same mistakes. Honesty saves marriages...not lies. Lies undermine the very foundation of marriage...in fact, marriages can survive affairs...but not dishonesty. The stronger the other marriage....the less risk of re-contact.

*growth is painful. Learning that actions have consequences is what shapes our futures and gives us the opportunity to grow. If an OP walks away from this with just happy memories...what does he learn? He learns that he can have affairs with no accountability. He learns that he can lie without consequence. He learns that some how he is outside of the rules. How good of a husband/wife do you suppose that will make him?

Please read these thread as well....very very insightful:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=29;t=003758

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=29;t=003171#000002

I hate to ask this but did your wife 'apologize'to you for the affair? I know you don't want to ignore your gut feeling but also if you are like me, can be a victim of paranoia.. I would for sure tell the OW about her husbands cheating.

Hi...
No, as of last night she has not "apologised" for anything. What she DID say, is "I'm sorry you feel the way you do"...
Not (in my humble opinion) a very sincere apology.

" I'm sorry you feel you feel the way you do."

You have got to be kidding me. I am sorry my friend but this to me shows utter distain for you and your marriage. The message is clear. She did not feel she did anything wrong by cheating on you with a married man and putting your health at risk. She is just sorry that you did not embrace her cheating. I do not know what you are holding on to? You failed to even expose the affair and inform the OM's spouse. In addition, there was apparently no consequences to her actions. Her lack of remorse indicates to me that it will be a matter of time in the future until this will happen again since she feels she did not do anything wrong. If she has so little remorse for her actions what does that say how she perceives you and your relationship and marriage? I feel sorry for you. Why are you willing to accept this?
I wish you luck.

Please tell the OM's wife ASAP.
She deserves to know.

This: " I'm sorry you feel you feel the way you do." is EXACTLY the sort of thing a WS says before the affair is ended.

Your wife needs to prove to you that the affair is over by sending the OM a no contact letter and by making herself accountable to you, including work phone and e-mail.

My WH got away with several false recoveries because I didn't require the necessary proof.
If the affair really is over, and she really has remorse and has learned to protect your marriage from future affairs, she would wholeheartedly agree to prove to you that the affair is over for good. Don't worry about her being angry if you contact the OM's wife or ask her for proof and accountability.