Okay, found out about wh's A in December (xmas eve to be exact <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Anyway, since then I tried plan A for four months. I did pretty well, quite a lot of LBing but I tried really hard. Then I read "love must be tough" by Dobson. I decided that I should go with that, which is quite similar in my humble opinion to plan B. Although, I have never been able to do a total no contact with my H, I can hardly stand not talking to him, I did ask him to leave. He refused and refused finally I LB'd badly... I just tossed his crap in the garage told him I didn't want him around as long as he still had contact with OW. Of course, I posted earlier about exposing this A. OW isn't married, but I did contact her work and tell them she was sending inappropriate email to my H... and told her in front of most of our mutual friends at a soccer game in no uncertain terms to leave my H alone or I would send her naked pics and emails to her work and our friends. Now my H, who refuses to move in with her (although he's not afraid to tell me how she will welcome him to her bed everytime we fight) is staying in his car. He's had offers to stay with some friends of ours and of course his OW. He wants to be a martyr I guess.... and so b/c he's living in his car he's mad at me. Says he gets so angry when he sees his crap in the garage and has to sleep in the car at night and doesn't even have a place to take a piss. I feel very sorry for him, but he does have places he could go.... but I don't understand the anger directed at me. Could someone please explain to me this anger?

Let's see he had A, refused to stop seeing her, I asked him to leave, he left, (I have told him to come stay in the guestroom, but only after kids have gone to bed and he needs to be gone before they get up I don't want to have them getting use to him being here and then him going again... it hurts them too badly they've done that 3 times now and I refuse to put them through it), so he's angry at me... refuses to talk to me... and when he does all he does is yell at me. Am I nuts here? Why is all this anger directed at me?

Stay in Plan B, ignore his anger, and I ABSOLUTELY agree with you about protecting your children from his false recoveries!

IMO his anger is about trying to manipulate you (into allowing him to go back to cake-eating). Cake-eating was obviously VERY enjoyable for him and he plans to bully you back into allowing it. Ignore his threat that if you stand up to him he will crawl into bed with OW. He was planning to stay involved with her anyway even if you let him sleep with you, right?

His anger is BECAUSE he knows what you are doing will work to end his affair/cake-eating. He doesn't want to have to choose between you and the OW if he thinks he can keep you both. No whe has to make a choice, AND he does NOT want to lose you, so he's upset that he will have to give up OW in order to keep you.

His behavior sounds so typical - just like my WH's. Don't worry about his moods, tactics, or agenda. Stand your ground. It's working.

Also, whatever you do, do NOT ever respond in a way that gives him the idea that anger or threats is an effective way to control you! That will encourage him to do it even more.

You are not nuts, he has made a choice, actually I think it is generous of you to offer the spare room.

I agree with meremortal, don't let him push you into doing something you don't want to do. Be firm, be tough and make it clear he has made the choice to continue the A and refuse to come back to the M, you are not willing to accept that.

Good Luck - Sandy
p.s. - I think it is a good sign that he has not moved in with OW

<small>[ May 28, 2004, 06:32 PM: Message edited by: sl000 ]</small>

2fedup,

Sorry to hear of your sitch. Mine spent time in the car even though the OW had a home with 'clean sheets' (LOL!!! - she told him in an e-mail sh'd put on clean ones) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Here's the deal, the invite wasn't as good as I thought. The WS spent several weeks over a period of a couple of years in his truck. Off and on. When contact was identified, he went out. After a few threats and seeing he was able to survive, the WS spent most of those nights during the winter months out here on the west coast. It was chilly but he had blanket and pillow bundled up with a warm jacket. Just not comfy like home but that was a result of his choices.

So I recommend you keep the value and respect of your family home forefront. Your chldren don't have to go through the pain of seeing a crazed disrespectful WS who would bring such pain to the ones he s/b loving and protecting.

JMHO,
L.

ps: The WS is a xws and now an H. He came home and we are in recovery.

NOTE: plan B is still in my back pocket. Now it is his job to meet 'our' needs (that of the entire family).

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I JUST SUCK AT THIS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Even though I know what I have to do... I can't do it... I try so hard to stick to my guns, seems like all I ever do though is shoot myself in the foot. After my 12 year old son begged to let him come home and do laundry and sleep in the house (because it's so hot in the car at night and dad is miserable) I caved... now he's sleeping on the couch... hasn't made it to upstairs yet. Then last night I had just had it... took the kids to their aunts and got some tequila and now I am paying that price. He said I threw things around the house, and just broke down. He said he had a total emotional breakdown... but to be honest I don't remember... now he's pissed at me again because I got drunk. Look I didn't drive anywhere and my kids weren't home... I just wanted something to make this annoying voice in my head go away. (does anyone know that voice? that one that tells you... he doesn't love you... and nags at you about your h sleeping with another woman... does anyone know that voice?) It almost taunts and teases nonstop... I don't know where this is going.... but I blew plan B... I just cave in to that weak little girl inside of me... GOD I HATE HER!!!!

As I read your post, I was thinking...omg...someone has been watching me and knows all the thoughts I have been having. Your reaction/behavior is very similar to mine...as is the reaction of my WS. He says his affair is my fault... I am willing to admit that we had problems...each of us not meeting many of the other's needs. But to say, "You're surprised? What did you expect me to do?" That just takes the cake. I also threw clothes and mail, etc. across the parking lot of his business. Bad behavior? Yes. It's been 2 weeks since I found out. I asked him to leave that night. He's stayed at a friends since then...wonder why not with her? Says he's talked with her 3 times since then but not seen her. Awww. Too bad. Then he had the nerve to tell me to calm down and not be so angry with him because he's "getting fire from me and getting fire from her." I wouldn't care if she were to drop dead tomorrow. Am I supposed to feel sorry that she's angry. Too bad...I don't.

I just suck at this program too. But I did finally do a half-way decent Plan B. Settle down and get on the program. It can be done, and will really help you.

I know that voice. My husband and I separated ten months ago. He was seeing another woman already, I didn't know at the time. I was two months pregnant, sick, in and out of the hospital. He just left. I had to move me and my three year old son into my parent's house because I wasn't well enough to take care of us. He feel in love with this woman and starting having a sexual affair a few months later. He took her on all of our usual vacations, bought her gifts. I foulnd all of this out after the fact. After the baby was born, he tried to come back, attempt number 4. He failed within a week. Then in March,(I did some investigating ofmy own and found out more than enough) he came back and said he wanted to try. I had started the Love must be Tough ideas after the birth and I really think he saw his whole life walking out the door. I am sure I didn't do things just right because I was terrified he would change his mind again and leave, but when you make mistakes, just jump back in. A few weeks into the reconciliation, he confessed even more the things in the past. We started marriage counseling and I just put it to him straight what I would and would not tolerate and what I expected of him. No I don't trust him yet, I still check his phone, credit card, and financial records for anything suspicious. (He doesn't know. It took separation papers and him seeing me, his kids, his house,lifestyle and his money leaving to see that what was left really wasn't much to look forward to. Be hard and be strong. Protect your babies, because they do suffer. If things don't get better, then you can make the decision for your kids if you can't make it for yourself to leave him for good. They need to know what stability and marrriage are truly about. Good luck and don't be so hard on yourself, none of us are perfect