I have the OM S work phone and e-mail address. It wasn't to hard to find, since OM and his wife work at the same place. Now my question, should I approach her with an e-mail? They live out of state and I would never come in contact with either of them.

A little history ...
My WS of 10 years (highschool sweethearts, known for 16 years) started e-mailing a old college male friend about 2 years ago. I initially knew about it and did not have a problem (big mistake). Along comes Yahoo IM and long hours chatting while I am in bed and multiple times throughout the day. Then comes the invite to call on the phone. Then comes the exchange of pictures (not explicit). I found out and approached her. She admitted it. She then went directly to him and told him about our conversation. She shared a lot of intimate details about our "fight". I found out through snooping and she feels I invaded her privacy (which I don't feel good about to begin with). I read her e-mails to him (she has a separate e-mail account from our shared account) and they were very negative against me and his replies were very negative. She told him she would leave me if I kept snooping and that she would go to MC to be the "good wife". She told me she was not going to leave me and that she was comfortable with the MC. A lot of double-talk. I also found out she told him to e-mail her at work and that she still had his phone number. She used the term "We're just friends" and "you don't understand". She said she was sorry, but it did sound sincere. I have since removed IM from our computer, but I have no control over her work e-mail (I don't feel comfortable snooping it). I didn't do a plan A, but feel I need to. We are in MC, but I feel the sessions are one sided about me invading her privacy and her need for respect and independence. I don't have anything against feminists, I think women need to be treated equally in society, but this MC appears to be an extreme feminist. The sessions seem to center around me trying to control my W. I agree I did have a controlling way about me, but I have come to the realization and want to make a change. I was going through a tough time at work for the past 1 1/2 years and fell into a severe depression. I am on Lexapro and it is really helping and I am trying to find another position at work. I have reprioritized my life an want to place our relationship at the top. Like it should have been from the begining. She said she is not at the same place.

Sorry for the rant, there is more but this is the basic overview.

What to do?

Just_Friends_MOT

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good place to be for support from those who have been through the same thing you are going through.

Start in Plan A. It sounds like you know something about it. Your wife may not welcome your new changes right now.

Also the MB plan is to contact the OM's wife. Affairs (even EA's) thrive in secrecy. I would call OM's wife and tell her that this may not be anything, but is causing problems in your marriage.

Then you will have an allie - she will be watching her H.

Weekends are slow, so you might try posting on the General Questions forum. There is more traffic there.

If you have been controlling, time to change yourself. But that does not include letting your wife have an EA.

I want you to know that the way things have started is the same for me. Different states; high school friends from long ago; E-mails turned into instant messaging until ridiculous hours of the night. It was odd behavior. So, I confronted her, and she responded with the same defenses.

You can see from my signature that things didn't go quite so well...

If I had to point to mistakes I made, I would have to list the following:
1. Believing everything's all right, when it isn't
2. Doing Plan A incorrectly.

So, keep with your gut instincts. If you choose to do Plan A (I'm sure many here would suggest that), then make sure that you are doing it for YOU.

My first attempt at Plan A focused so much on her, that I wasn't making myself a better person.

Giles

I should add a couple more things :

Prior to D-Day, I was never an open communicator. I now realize this was due to my childhood upbringing. Essentially, my W would "flood" and I would "stonewall". Well, D-day has caused me to open up, which feels very good.

I didn't see anything romantic between W a OM. No, "I love you's".

Just_Friends_NOT

Forgot to mention this OM is a licensed psychologist (PHD). Which makes me even more upset. Don't you think he should know when to recommend getting MC. I think I am going to draft up a letter to the OMS. I might post it here for a review and your opinions before I send it to her. I asked my WW if she is still in touch with OM and her reply was No. That was it and all that was said.

Thanks,

Just_Friends_NOT

I should also note that our MC is a professor at a local college. She is in the department of Women's Studies too. One of the conversations (lecture) in a recent session delt with the struggles women have had to endure.

Again, I am "not" against gender equality in society and it may seem like it by my postings. My wife is a professional with a masters degree and I am very proud of her accomplishments and career. She is very good at what she does. She is an awsome mother, as well.

My WW just doesn't see the EA as wrong. I respect her opinion and asked her what if the tables were turned. She just said, "You're right." I asked her if she is still in touch with OM and she said NO. She told me I have not been my self lately and that she doesn't know who I am anymore. She said she is sometimes afraid of me and the way I have been acting lately. She explained these things in a private session with WW and the MC said they are abusive tendancies. I also explained that I would back off occasionally back-off to see if she would "come to me". The MC said these "tests" are not coming from a 33 year old, they are coming from a 4 year old and my WW needs to tell me in a subtle way that I am doing it and to stop.

My WW did say she did it because she was lonely and snuck around because she knew I would be upset. Doesn't this constitute an affair (EA)?

Just_Friends_NOT

I did the Emotional Needs Survey and asked my wife if she would be OK doing it herself. She did and we compared our surveys. This was 2 nights ago. Yesterday she e-mails me and wanted to set up a session with our MC, because she had somethings to talk about. We talked last night (some LB's at the time) and she was upset about some of my answers. She said most of my needs were about me (Family was number 2). Isn't that what needs are? My answer to the question of spouses attractiveness was a 2 (out of 3), but I circled a.) for me being satisfied and liking the way she does it. She said that hurt her. The only reason I circled 2 was because I like her hair longer (she knows this too) and she is wearing it shorter, which I still like. I think she really has some self-esteem issues based on comments she has made to me throughout our relationship (she looks in the mirror and she sees herself as fat, she's a size 6). I comment her on how beautiful she is and she doesn't receive it very well.

I expressed I was not comfortable with our MC and wanted to find another one. She agreed to find another one. I am looking for a pro-family/pro-marriage counselor.

Thanks for looking,

Just_Friends_NOT

JFN

I'm new to all this as well. I am not doing Plan A because my heart is not in it right now.
However before I found this site WW & I went to a MC, she is a psychiatrist & has been very even handed. Your description of your MC seems to be very much one sided.
Don't know much about all this except the MC told us if one of us is not comfortable with her then it is likely it will not work.
Maybe you have to say this to the MC and your wife, I mean she is supposed to be there for both of you but please get advice on this from more expereinced people here. As I said, all new to me.

I hope you can work this out