Maybe,

The answer is Time and Patience. It takes both to get through this. You are also coming up on 6 months right?? Well, that is a time when anger often shows up in the BS. Why? Well it has been speculated on this site, that anger shows when it is clear the marriage can be saved and the BS sort of lets down barriers. It is a process Maybe, it really is and it often takes a year or two to get through it.

Forgiveness will come in its time, but it will mainly help you. Don't confuse forgeting with forgiveness. Forgiveness is something you consciously do, sometimes every day. Forgetting is something you should never do or you and your W will not learn what needs to be learned from this. But with time and patience the pain fades, and while you will remember the feelings will end up gone.

This is a very hard time for you, don't make any decisions right now.

God Bless,

JL

Maybe:

The horror and repugnance you feel will lessen with time.

Your wife was sick. She did some terrible things. Her remorse appears to genuine. I’ve read a lot on this board and can tell that she despises what she did. I can hear the pain in her words. She knows that she hurt you, the marriage, the kids, the OM and the OM’s W. She wants a chance to show you that she is a good person that made some bad decision.

I will tell you that divorce will solve nothing. You will still feel betrayed, hurt, angry, etc. You will just be poorer.

Many people survive this. IT WILL TAKE TIME. A lot of time. Think in years . . . not in months.

I have a meeting I’m almost late for . . . I just wanted to say be carful out there. Come home and love your wife and kids.

This is my last day at home for some time. Tomorrow I will be back at base for 1 week, maybe 2 at the most before deployment.

I may be unable to say to goodbye to all who have helped me but please know that I appreciate every word you have given me. My heart felt thanks to you all.

We spent some time last night the WW and I going through all the papers, insurances, investments, and will. Just to be on the safe side. Some where during that time i suddenly realied that despite the hurt and anger, the soul destroying image of her with someone else and perhaps her disappointment and rejection of me, we do love each other. We do both love our kids. God only knows if it will ever work out, but it would be stupid to not at least try.

Maybe the time away from each other will help break down my resistence to the process, because it's mine thats the log jam. I know that but I can't just wish the feelings away. wouldn't it be nice to be able to do that?

We spent the night just holding each other and remembering a lot of good family times. It was a good night. We didn't sleep much but thats ok.

So the kids are up, keeping them home today so they can be with me and WW. Today will be their day whatever they want - within reason LOL - I guess me & WW are in a bit of limbo, but we have the phone, email, letters, guess we will do the best we can.

Well I'll try to remember to drop in later today to say goodbye to all who have helped, you have you know.
WW has promised to update if I cannot. maybe it will help others.
God bless

Good luck Maybe.

JL

Maybe,
I, like JL, want to say good luck and thank you. I have no idea whether you'll be in country in Iraq or in Kuwait or battle unit or support unit, but either way I appreciate everything your doing for me and my family.

Idea: You may want to have your wife log on as a MBer. That way if she's feeling weak or discouraged there will be support for her from the MB gang. I know that's not as good as having you at home. If she wants to identify herself as your W, great but she doesn'y have to.

Will you have access to the web? Probably not but if you do send us a post every once in awhile.

Best wishes,

cwmac

Well

My husband ‘ maybesingle’ has gone back to the Army.
He hurts so much I just cried when I saw it on his face.
It feels so horrible. it is so much worse than last time he was deployed.
This house feels so empty without him, the kids are quiet, just doesn’t seem normal or right.
I feel defeated. I never wanted to hurt him at all but I have done so good a job at that.
In 2 weeks perhaps less he will be back in the war. God knows what may happen then.
All just seems so empty.

This is what I may face eventually if he is unable to forgive me and accept all that I did. Because he will have to do that for our M go on , I know that. He will never forget it, I don’t expect him to.
I don’t how he can accept it. That seems more than any one should have to do.
I hope for a miracle.
I have really messed our lives up.

What if I never get the chance to rebuild our M? What if he never comes back to us? That would be so unbearable, worse than him leaving me, worse than divorce. Never to have a chance to show him I love him so much and will spend the rest of my life making it up to him.

What do I do now? How can I get him to understand he is my life? I was the one to forget that not him. Is there anything I can do now?

Crazed,

You cannot "get him to..." But you can do alot to help him. In my opinion you can do it by being a great mother to your children. You can do it by getting involved in activities that give you pleasure and make you feel good and whole. You can do this by addressing the issues that led to your having the A.

And most of all you can help him by writing to him, communicating with him as much as you can about your family what they are doing, their successes, their lives, your life, your successes, things that are making you happy and fulfilled while he is gone. You bring him into to your life and your families life as much as you can. Yes, you tell him he is loved and missed, but allow him to see a good and adjusted family waiting for him. One that wants him there but are secure enough to proceed. He needs confidence that YOU will and can handle things and that YOU are working on making your life something he would enjoy sharing.

This sounds counter intuitive, but if you are happy it will help him, because you are happy without the OM. You are dealing with life, you can talk with him, you can learn to handle the guilt and exchange it for remorse. These two things are NOT the same. Guilt keeps you from doing something, remorse compells you to do the right things. Change over.

You are right, things may not end well on his end of things for reasons out of both of your control, but live your life well Crazed, and show your kids out to do that.

This is a very sad time for many reasons, but I suspect he will be happier if he knows his family is functioning well and progressing while keeping him in their thoughts. You cannot change the past, you can only address the future.

Please consider this and keep posting. The folks here will do their best to help.

God Bless,

JL

Crazed - Please keep posting. We will help you, while your husband helps his country.

good morning all, thanks so much for your support and advice. I really need it. I am too ashamed to discuss a lot of this with my family tho they know of course. I'm sure my dad and mom think I'm a $lut , I've hurt them too.

The night was not pleasant, no joyful memories of times with my H to keep me warm, only sickening images of my OM & me. Guilt of course.
The 3 wonderful kids light up my morning, even when we are rushing around for school. Be holidays soon.

Well I took them to school and drove home.. I looked at this house, our home, the one my H built for me only a few years ago because I wanted this & that and we could not find exactly what we wanted already established. he wanted me to be so happy and secure. He put it all in my name 'just in case' he said, didn't want probate to cause me any worries if he was killed you see. Can you believe that? He had so much trust.

Once it was so beautiful to me, now I have to take a deep breath to enter it. I could happily burn it to the ground.
So I have a lovely expensive dwelling the envy of many of my friends, big deal, I would settle for that cramped on base family duplex we had so many years ago, he would be there at least some of the time. I was so happy then even with his deployments.

Nearly every room reminds me of what I did now. The main bedroom, what was our bedroom sits unused, the base and mattress leaning up against the windows. I know he means it when he says he will NEVER go back into that room. He hasn't yet.

I'll write him tonight & tell him about the kids and things, just simply say I love him and want him to stay safe. Not to go and do something brave and get hurt. As far as he can of course.
I'm sure he does not want a hysterical begging women writing to him. I'll try to meet whatever needs he has at this time.

No word from him but I expect he is busy getting back into the Army life and training.

Well had better keep working and clean this d*mn place, heart not in it any more, but kids desrve a clean & tidy home.

Again many thanks to you all. If, no when, I hear from him I will let you know. If you have any ideas how I can broach this affair and communication with him by mail PLEASE let me know. How do I start it so that he will not get angry and just throw it away?

Sweetie -

Get on the MB plan. Don't be so hard on yourself. People make mistakes. I am the BS, but after talking to so many WS's, I have a lot of sympathy. You are not a bad person, and your husband does still love you. So time to work on your new, improved marriage.

I think keeping busy helps. I know you are very busy with your kids and home. When I was going through all of the pain, I started exercising, cleaned the house spotless, organized, rearranged, did the yard, joined a women's support group, and did lots of activities. That helped raise my self-esteem and gave me something to feel good about.

You might want to start posting on general questions - there is more activity there.

Maybe,

Hey, just wanted to let you know that I'm praying for you and your family...

I know what you're going through and just wanted to tell you that you CAN get over all of the hurt and pain that you're feeling right now... it's going to take lots of prayer, lots of time, and lots of hard work from BOTH of you, but it CAN be done... My M is living proof that it's possible.

Not to bash other's that have posted, but you need to focus on the POSITIVE things that your W is doing right now, and not what's happend in the past. You'll have plenty of time to do that after your deployment.

Take each day as it comes... when you have a trigger or an image pops up, capture it and then let it go. You can't change the past and you can't really deal with it while you're deployed. (I know, I tried to do it during my last deployment)... I know exactly where you're coming from about the bedroom and the bed. Been there, done that... but you CAN get over it. But while you're deployed is NOT the time to deal with it.

You're very lucky that your W wants to "make things right"... took mine a while to get to that point... but she eventually did. And it took me a really long time to get over my PRIDE, and realize that I was the one that wanted to keep dragging up the past and beating her up for her sins...

Focus on your mission and love your W and your kids and they'll love you right back.

When you find out where you're going, drop us a line and let us know.... if you're in Afghanistan, we may bump into each other as I'm over here for a year...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Rebuilding -

This is a little OT. Please accept my thanks for going to defend our country against these terrorists. Also tell others there that the American people are very grateful.

Prayers to all of you.