Well sunday morning (the day after my birthday)my highschool sweetheart and W of 9 years finally gave into Gods convicting power and at 0400 as she was pucking she told me that not only was she having an EA (which she told me about a month ago) but she had also been having sex with him at his apartment for the last 2 months. I have spent the 3 months (since she told me she wasn't happy) evaluating myself to find out what I was doing to cause her pain. I have made huge strides in controlling my rage (short about-bursts of anger, usally resulting in a sore hand from hiting a solid object) and have not had an relapse in months. As we sat there on the floor in the bathroom, and she was confessing everything to me, I took it very well. I had an A 2 years ago so I was trying to be understanding and loving.

Sunday I cried a lot and we talked non-stop all day. When she told me that she was addicted the sex with him and how good he was and she cried (for the 1st time) over how much she would miss him I lost my temper again and now I have 2 sore hands and a hurting steering wheel that did nothing wrong to desrve that beating (We were driving to her moms). I quickly regained my posture and apollogized to my W and just started crying again. I called the OM with her there, from her cell phone and confronted him with a few questions. He was very open and appologetic. She called him the next day to tell him it had to end for good this time, but she wouldn't let me listen. Which I understand but still hurts, it's just one more time she was doing something behind my back.

She then told me that she wanted to commit back to our marriage and that this was deffinatly over, so I told her I forgive her, for everything. We need to heal and it can't be done without forgiveness. I think that forgiveness is an action and healing is a process. I did the act of forgiveness so we can work on the process of healing. But I'm having such a hard time with the reality of what happened. I'm haunted by visions of them together. Everything that was sacred to us (sexually) she did with him. she had never "been" with anyone but me until him. Will I ever be able to look at her sexually again?

We had sex twice yesterday and I feel like she was wanting it to be with him. she has never been a sexually driven person, until him. She claims she is just starting to peak and wants it more, but now I'm just disgusted with sex(which if you knew me you would know that is NOT me, I LOVE SEX!) We haven't seen a MC yet, we've been doing all of this on our own, and now I feel so deserted I have only this site to turn to.

My big problem today is she is working with him, side by side. I hurt so bad I don't even know what to ask y'all, I just need to hear.......something. I'm sorry if my writing seems scattered I just really don't have the energy to worry about that.

Thanks for reading, please reply.

Changing man,

Sorry for your situation, but thankful you've found this site. There is a wealth of helpful information here, as well as many knowledgeable people who can and will help you. (many are really good-- so read and learn, it's not a cure all, but it does help)

Just a few things from me.
First, do not be so quick to just through out a blanket statement of forgiveness. Indeed, you are very Early on in this journey. Even if your W has been willing to talk SOME, there is going to be a lot more for you to deal with before this is all over. Yes, forgive at some point, but its just too early now to begin that. You are still in the shock and discovery phase.

Recovery is a process. Don't jump the gun and get ahead of yourself. Forgiving too early (and not even KNOWING what you are forgiving) can be a set back in and of itself. If you say it too early SHE will think everything IS forgiven, and I know by your post that you are really NOT anywhere near that place yet.

However, if she helps you, then one day you will be there...........but it doesn't appear that way today. In any case, don't hinder your own recovery by attempting to sweep many issues under the rug by "forgiving" too soon.

Next, questions. How do you plan on getting to recovery and healing your M, IF your W is still working with this OM "side by side"?

How can it benefit your M to have your W have contact with the person she is "addicted to" every working day?
Do you really think that they are not going to talk at work? Do you think that they will not comfort and commiserate with one another?
Isn't this where and how the A got started in the first place?

If you have read the info. here, can you see that recovery & healing can't start UNTIL the A ends? As they are together at work constantly, the A has not ended.
Please do yourself a favor and read all you can about NC (No contact). It is such a vital (and necessary) piece to recovery.
Unfortunately, many times extreme measures are required to achieve NC ( job change, relocation, changing telephone #'s, as well as email addresses, ect,.).
YOU are setting yourself up for much heartache and MUCH Frustration if you agree to let her continue working with this man.

Even more importantly, (even if by some minor miracle nothing else does go on between them) Can YOU Handle her seeing and being with OM every day? Can you both mentally and especially emotionally deal with this reality? OR will it just drive you nuts and cause untold havoc on your relationship every night when your W gets home? Will you be constantly obsessing about what is going on while she is there at work? Do you want to live this way? Can your M survive this obstacle?

You claim your W is ready to recommit to the M. Does this include getting a new job? Hey, it may not be what she wants, but there are consequences to our actions. (She has to face up that this is one of them).
Unless this guy was her boss and she can make him leave, then she really may have no choice but to start looking for another job. This is where she can begin to "prove" her loyalty to you and the M. It is a sacrifice [no doubt] that she can make (even though caused by her own actions). Keep in mind, all she has done up until now is talk. And talk is cheap. In addition, like it or not, people in affairs lie........and lie BIG Time.

Her NOT letting you listen in to her conversation with OM is a HUGE tip off. The proof will come when she finally has to take an action. Hmmmm,Guess we'll see.

I know you so desperately WANT to believe EVERYTHING she has to say. All of us BS do. But don't fall for it. As it appears the A is not really over, she will do and say whatever she has to, to both control YOU, as well as keep the A going. Right now she just wants to keep that contact going. Even if the sex has stopped for now (who really knows ??) you can bet it will start again sometime as the 2 of them continue to have a relationship. It's almost inevitable. The emotions involved in an A are just TOO powerful and intense . She's already admitted to the addiction. Don't wait for her to slip up. Be proactive NOW!

At the very least, can she transfer to another shift, another department, another site, another team or just get to another station and not be side by side with this guy?

Bottom line is she Must get away from this OM? And get away like , Yesterday!

Keep in mind very few Marriages can survive with the A partners continuing to see each other on an ongoing indefinite basis. (Sure there are a few [very few]) but do you want to try and buck those kinds of odds?
Please don't let it just be about the $$$$$$$!
Any job she gets will pay her a salary. Unfortunately, in situations like this tough choices have to be made. For your sake & the sake of your M, insist she make the hard choice to quit (or at least begin a Real search to move on).

Believe me, she will TRY to persuade you into thinking she can "handle" this. That she has seen her mistake and will "NEVER" do this again. She will come up with every reason and excuse to stay connected to this man. Don't let her con you! Because that's all it is-- a CON job.

To steal a line: Sometimes you have to make the RIGHT decision.......other times you have to make the decision you made RIGHT.
Is your W really willing to make her decision Right?
For both your sakes, I truly hope so.

Lastly, if you can, use this place to vent. Sometimes just being Heard can do wonders. It will not help to continually LB on your W. (And believe me you will need to LB to someone many times while getting through this).

Should you not agree with this advice, that's OK. You have to do what you feel is best for you and your situation. Just please keep an open mind & consider it.
You have support here... in whatever you decide.
Take care.

TR, thanks for the reply. Your right this place is a great place to be heard. I'm at work, 50 miles from home, and there is no-one here to open up to (dump on). Something I left out, sorry about that, is that he is moving to a new town (150 miles from here) in 2 weeks. I realize that is not THAT far but at least they won't be side by side anymore. She will have to work about 3 more days with him. She is a nurse and he is the unit secretary. They only work together for 4 hours each shift and it's not the sames days everyweek. She says that when he moves she deal with the withdrawl and get over him. I just want to see her stand up for our marriage and make that sacrafice before he moves. I want it to be her decision that ends it for good, not him just conviently moving. I realize he isn't the one with the problem, she is. him moving is not going to fix her problem. but she has to know that this is her decision, not me forcing a decision on her. Right?

I'm not trying to justify her story, because I know she can lie as easy as she can breath. (Side note: she hasn't always been like that. the first six years of our M she was a stay at home mom who treated me like a king. I took advantage of that. She used to ask me how I could lie so easily about my A, I guess now she understands.)

As far as forgiveness, I mostly agree with you. She has told me everyting I have asked and more. You're right I don't know for sure that this is over, but I don't think I an begin to heal until I forgive her. Through God I can forgive what she has done to our marriage, learn from it and move on. That's not to say that I'm going to just close my eyes and pretend it never happened, but if I don't forgive her I'll just keep LB'ing and throwing all of this up in her face. I HAVE to forgive her so I can live with myself. I've told her that I'm opening myself up to her, to fix this M. If she takes advantage of that .....

Am I in denial or what? I couldn't even finish that sentance because it sounds like I'm just speaking from hurt.

Thank you again for your help, your post really did help. I need to someone to keep me focused through this pain. I'm looking for a MC now so we can have a professional guide us through this mine field.

More PLEASE!

<small>[ June 01, 2004, 12:27 PM: Message edited by: ChangingMan ]</small>

CH. man,

Boy do I feel for you. My wife is a nurse too. One difference about my wife and her OM is that all their sexual contact happened AT WORK. That caused all kinds of "triggers" for both me, but even more so for my W. But that is another topic, right now it's about YOU and your W.

So to respond.......I suppose I would not have went on so much about the NC if I had known he was leaving right away. IF this is true then you can thank whomever you pray too for this, because you will have a huge obstacle removed without you having to do anything. So YEAAA for that. This is very positive.

However, word of caution. NOT to alarm you, just to inform you.
Remember exactly where you are getting ALL of this information. From your betraying W and the OM (who couldn't care less about you). They each have had no problem lying to you in the very recent past. So beware! My caution is for you to independently VERIFY any and all information you are getting from either one of them. Make sure he IS quitting and then does quit. Verify that he indeed HAS relocated and moved away.

At least until you KNOW you can trust your W again, you must for your own best interest, confirm anything she says. TAKE NOTHING at Face Value! She is still "in love" (lust, whatever) with this guy. Do not loose sight of this fact. Has she lied to you about this situation and him before? YES?? Then she can do it or may still be doing it. Just keep aware. I'm not saying she is or isn't (only she knows). I just want you to keep on your toes (as I'm sure you are).

However, I also know the feeling of just "wanting" to believe a WW and to give her the benefit of the doubt. They claim that they don't want to hurt you or the OP. But in the end it always seems to be the spouse that pays the price. At this early stage, I'm sorry but you just can't trust her. (Not 100%) Don't feel bad, she is the one who choose to destroy your trust in her, as well as her own credibility. This was her choice, not yours.

In addition, to questioning your W, you also need to question the OM and his motives. In my case, my W's OM told her that he was quitting and getting another job. Guess what? He lied to her too. He was not quitting and was in fact in the process of getting my W fired. (He was her supervisor). Fortunately, because of my "involvement" the OM was found out, and he was given the option to resign (which he did). So be very careful with all these stories going on. Indeed, they very well MIGHT be true (& I sure hope they are). But do not start making decision Until YOU KNOW they are true.

I'll continue in part II, as too not make this toooo long. (I have a habit of doing that).

As far as getting the truth from your W, I agree that it is very encouraging that she is willing to talk and "come clean". Many here never get that, so consider yourself fortunate.

Unfortunately, I have another caution.

At this point your W may be "distorting" details, omitting facts/feelings ect, or just flat out lying to you. Why? Any number of reasons.
She doesn't want to hurt you, and she falsely believes that knowing the truth will cause you more hurt than good.
She doesn't want to look bad in your eyes.
She sees no payoff for her, to you knowing the truth.
She may want to continue in the A. And on and on........
Whatever the reasons she could still be not being honest. (NOT many WS come clean right from the start.......Did YOU?)

How do I know. Unfortunately, my W pulled this stunt on me.
She was soooooo willing to talk about the A. She wrote me 6-10 page letters answering my questions. She typed me emails. We sat and talked night after night for hours. I was so happy about this (not the A) but that she would WANT to reconnect with me and save our M. It felt so good to me, for her to open herself and her mistakes up to me, and thereby let me begin the slow process of trusting her again. I was taking the steps to change myself, and I thought she was doing the same right there with me. In fact, I thought she was doing a wonderful thing in Helping me through this time, even though I knew it had to be hard for her.

OH, but come to find out she was still lying to me. About a whole host of things. About contact, about facts, dates, feelings --everything. She made up this whole fantasy story and just stuck too it. She mixed many truths with many lies, until I couldn't tell what was what.
When this finally came out, (because of my care and not LBing) she eventually got so guilty that she told me more of the REAL Truth.

That was when the SH*T hit the fan. (With me and OM). Good news for us is everything turned out OK.

Be ready ... it took a good year, for me to get the real truth.

With that said,
Having Finally gotten my questions answered has basically saved me (as a person).
I am no longer violent, angry and the best part is the "obsessing" about the A has went away. Not to say that I don't still think about it everyday. Cause I do. But it is no longer a 24/7 deal. Also, I am able to NOT think about it, when it does pop up. (Believe me I never thought I'd get to this point, but I have....Thank God). I am the one back in control of my thoughts, and it feels great after being out of control for so long.

I don't know you or your W. So hopefully she is remorseful and is being and will continue being honest with you from here on out. Just remember this post if and when you start coming up with "inconsistencies" in her stories and confessions. If things don't add up or make sense, she's not being completely honest with you.

If your anything like me, at this stage of the game, nothing short of honesty will do. After all, what's the point of deception now? The marriage is already a wreck.
To steal another line: People who have nothing to hide.......Hide Nothing! So if she's still lying, bad sign. Although this senario seems to be expected by most.

Some here will tell you that you don't need any details. Guess for their life and recovery, they don't. Maybe you don't either. However, I suspect that you do, just from what little I've read from you.
But for me I HAD to know. Without knowing the details, I'd still be more of mess then I am now. The not knowing was far worse then the truth has ever been. Not saying hearing the truth isn't painful, it IS! But to be able to move beyond I needed to be able to process what really went on. Not just the physical part, but the feelings, thoughts, reasons,.. all of it!

But that's just me, I'm all about the details (even in everyday life).
IF you plan on asking, be prepared for the truth.

I am only warning you of this so if it does happen you won't be as blindsided as I was. IF you are aware of the possibltiy you will be more on the look out for it and thereby it won't be as harmful to you or your recovery. Because I thought much like you did about my W, that she could Never turn into the person she did.
...........................................................
A quick couple of points you mentioned:
Yes, ideally HER ending the A would be the best thing. But at this time the point is too just end it. Then begin dealing with the aftermath. So many here are STILL fighting an ongoing battle to just get the A to stop, let alone recovery. If it's ending, take it and run with it.

Getting into MC is also a great idea. How to find the Right MC though, is a question I can't answer. We never did find a good one. Guess if you can afford it, the service provided here is a good one. Perhaps others out there can tell you how to find an effective MC. I gave up looking.

Hope my ramblings make some sense to you. They don't always read as well as they "think" in my mind.

Any way, Sounds like your taking the necessary first steps. Keep it up!
Take care...

Click on the link in my signature line.

ch man,, I am also a recently Betrayed Husband,,BH and I know what you are feeling. I am also sorry for the pain you are in. One thing that really sticks out in my mind with your WS is that she refused to let you listen to the phone conversation with the OM. As soon as I discovered my wifes affair, and she told me she was sorry and she would end it,,, I replied "End it right Now" grabbed the phone and I picked up the other line to listen to everything he and she said. She had no problem with it in fact she wanted me to listen,, I heard her tell OM that I knew and it was the worst mistake in her life,,,and she wished she never met him..... not to ever call her again. Even that assurance there has not totally eased my beilief that it is over,, I will say that its been 2 months and so far it appears over, I still have to keep tabs on her,, My W and your W have shown us that they are not who we thought they were,,, and I am sure you know some of the details where she has lied to you so bad that you ask How is anyone capable of doing that. I am not saying for the rest of your life never trust what she says,, I am saying just like Rope said,,,, Confirm the truth. If my wife tells me she was at the store today when I called her,, do I believe her,,,, No way,, but do I LB her by saying your lieing. I have had a GPS recorder placed on her vehicle,,, any where she tells me she has gone I can plug the GPS into PC and it will confirm if she was telling the truth,,, Find ways to protect yourself without being obsessive,, there are tons of steps you can take to know if your wife is being sincere. So far all of my tabs on my wife are confirming she has been true to me since the affair,, but there is still no way I am ready to say my wife is a changed woman and is not capable of hurting me like this again. There are simple ways to tell if she is sincere, you say OM is moving 150 miles away,, after he does I would start tapping the odometer on her car or get the GPS Onstar offers them for 259.99. As far as your other actions I think you have reacted better than I did. Just dont blind yourself again,, by her objecting to you being on the phone that is a 100% indication she is not fully committed to ending the affair. Post back and let me know how its going. Take care and be careful

ChangingMan - I am very suspicious of the instant "it's over" reaction. Not that your wife didn't mean it, but that the emotional power of an affair, especially on women, is very strong. It's like deciding to quit an addiciton. Withdrawal becomes very hard and they can easily find "reasons" for "just one more contact." In your case it will be very easy, "they HAVE to have contact because they work together."

I went through that very thing until the day my wife chose the OM and I told her to leave. That actually began the process of her having to really face all the ramifications of her "choice."

I cannot stress this next point strongly enough, there must be NO Contact with the OM for rest of her life. Not on the phone, not at work, not anywhere or any way.

If you "allow" contact, even if it's because they work at the same place, you are asking for more misery and a virtually impossible task of recovering your marriage. At least one of them needs to find a new job, no matter how tough or inconvenient it is.

There is a lot more that you need to prepare for in order for you to have a successful recovery, but it must begin with permanent NO Contact of any kind. Without that, the rest will likely be a "futile gesture."

Good luck and God bless you as you begin this journey.

Hi CM,

I haven't posted here in quite a while... I tend to agreee with what some of the others have said... don't be too quick to "forgive".

I completely understand your thoughts on having to forgive in order to move forward, but are you REALLY sure you know what you're forgiving? You may think you know everything, but in my case, it took several years for me to find out the "truth". I say "truth", because there's really no way for me to ever know what actually happened.

My wife's consistant, trustworthy actions did more to help me regain my trust than anything she told me. It doesn't happen over night. If you're not both in MC, then I'd suggest finding a good MC and start going... It will help keep you both on the right path to rebuilding your M...

As a final thought on forgiveness...For me, forgiveness is a daily process... Thankfully, my wife and I have rebuilt our M to where I no longer am obsessed with thoughts and triggers from the past. But when those thoughts do pop up, I still must make a decision to forgive her... and not grab hold of any hate or anger that I might be tempted with...

Keep posting here and let us know how you're doing...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Hey everyone thanks for the great posts. Last week was a long week and I didn't have access to this site. I stayed home all last week eexcept for Tuesday. A lot has happened since I wrote last. We have both gone through the ups and downs that are to be expected. I called the OM at work (when my W was off) and we had a long talk about what he was thinking through all of this and while I don't know him or have any reason to trust him, for some reason talking to him seemed to help. He SOUNDED remorsfull about the problems he had caused and said that he is focused right now on his career and that he was really sorry for his role in this nightmare. Whatever, I'm just glad he's leaving so I don't have to kill 'em. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

But on a happier note, my W and I got to spend all of last week together, she worked this weekend (while he was off) and she took off Mon/Tues/Wed of this week and came into work with me. She did go back to work today and he showed up to drop off his badge and she said they spent a few minutes together, she says that she stayed inside her "box" (personal space) but who knows. I want to believe her, but I just can't see her being able to not hug him or something. I don't know.

I was really hoping that he would just leave and not come by the hospital but it didn't happen that way. I just hope now that she will commit to herself not to call him or email him or get her "fix" in anyway so we can start this healing process. We have started going to a church that we have been wanting to attend for a long time and so far we love it! So do the kids! We have both started praying the way we should have a long time ago and trying to let God has his way with our lives.

I do still have all of the emotions of not trusting anything she says and questioning everything but I have to let that go at some point, because I find it very difficult to confront her about my suspisions with out "accusing" her of doing something and putting thoughts in her head. I'm just taking the stand that I am going to believe what she tells me until she gives me reason to believe otherwise. This is how I started after my A. I told her I was going to build trust by being trustworthy. No, she didn't believe everything I said all of the time, but by not having anything to hide, eventually, she started believing me. And now, she says that she KNOWS I tell her the truth 100% of the time, even when it sucks. So I have to give her that same benefit. I do this causiously, being carefull not to jump into anything blindly.

Anyways, thanks again for your stories, it's nice to know That the feelings I'm feeling are not so uncommon.