This is your post to me on the Afair Exposure 101 thread. I'm repeating it here so it can have it's own discussion:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WAT - I have read many of your posts and respect your thoughts and opinions. I read your guides to Affair Exposure 101 and on contacting the OP I do have my own experience to add - from today as a matter of fact.

My WH has refused to provide me with too many details on his PA with a co-worker that he still works with. While I respect his need to not be beat over the head with the same questions, I still needed to find a way that I could at least trust his story of when it ended and that it indeed ended. Enter a phone conversation with the OW - which I'm sure I will get plenty of negative feedback on:)

My WH is currently traveling to the city that he had his liasons with this co-worker. It is the first time since Dday. Because he has been so vague on details I wanted to 1) Make sure that she was not traveling today, 2) See if her story of when it ended matched his, and 3) To make sure that she knew I was aware of the affair and not willing to let it go on. I wrote down exactly what I wanted to ask her, then I called her.

I was very polite and calm when I asked her if the affair was over and could she confirm when it ended - without telling her what he told me. She of course denied it was an affair and claimed they were just friends, which I calmly informed her that I had all of the information I needed to believe otherwise and all I wanted from her was the answer to those two questions. I explained that we were working on our marriage and I had no desire to cause her harm, I just wanted her version of the "end". She finally gave up trying to convince me it wasn't an affair and we both ended up referring to it as a "Friendship" and she agreed that it WAS over and had been ended during the time my WH claims it ended.

For me it was a step forward because 1) I now know that I am not inferior in any way to her, which I have been feeling, because she was totally b****y to me and I was nice and calm. And I don't care what anyone thinks about me for saying that because this woman took a part of my life and destroyed it so she does not deserve my kindness, but I gave it anyway. 2) It does help that she confirmed the general time period that this thing ended, although I will still have some trust issues. 3) I can relax at least today and tomorrow because I know they are not together as they have been in the past, which does help.

Now before I get a lot of criticism on this I want everyone to know that I did inform my husband when I did this - although it was AFTER the fact. If she calls I will know and he says that he will tell me. He in fact seems to be okay that I called her and says that he understands my need for some confirmation. Additionally, he said that he wants me to do whatever it takes to make me feel better.

Sorry if it seems I'm threadjacking, but I thought this was a very timely topic considering what I did today. Again, this is merely my personal experience and I wouldn't necessarily tell everyone to contact the OW. I waited until I was sure I could be calm and unemotional before I called her - and I have been wanting to do it for a long time! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you did a good job as long as you don't believe a word she told you.

You'll find out soon enough if it's over. If it's not, she'll call him right away to tell him what happened. In turn, he'll be pissed at you. That will be your indicator.

Now, no need to ever call her again - unless your H refuses to send a No Contact letter, in which case there may be reason to contact her in the future.

If the affair is REALLY over, he should have no hesitation writing a NC letter.

Has he been humble, or defiant since he claimed it was over?

WAT

<small>[ June 02, 2004, 02:13 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

WAT - See, I knew you would disagree with what I did! Oh well, I still believe that there are reasons for contacting the OW.

Of course I do not necessarily believe everything she said, but her answer of when it ended did coincide with what he said. Also, I was able to determine that she did not know that I knew - which he had also told me and now I tend to believe it based on her reaction. I do think that it is probably over and was ended because I found out about it, but do we ever know for sure??? I guess, what I really wanted was verification that she was NOT with him on this trip. So I did get that.

As far as not contacting the OW because it is mean - TOUGH. She and my WH hurt me more than words can ever describe and I was not in any way mean to her and I am not mean to my husband. I just want more answers.

For the most part I agree with MBs concepts, but you know what - I don't agree that I should provide tea and sympathy to two people who were selfish enough to have an affair. They caused all of the pain they may be suffering now. As far as I am concerned, if she does contact my WH I will see it on the phone bill and he will have to tell me. He isn't angry and has told me in the past that if I wanted to talk to her he would not stop me. What I really want is for him to find a new job, but I can't have that right now or my family would starve.

Why do you think I disagree?

And I've never said to NOT contact the OP because it's "mean." Where do you get that from?

Finally:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">For the most part I agree with MBs concepts, but you know what - I don't agree that I should provide tea and sympathy to two people who were selfish enough to have an affair.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I really don't think you'll find this supported in MB concepts, either.

WAT

Sorry WAT - I am overly sensitive these days. Some of my response came from previous posts to another exposure thread that I thought you started. I've seen everything from it is outright wrong to mean to contact the OW, whereas I felt that it did help me a little - for reasons stated in my other post to you. Sometimes I feel like people gang up on the BS if they cross certain lines and I've been burned here before because I wasn't "feeling" the way that I should or didn't handle it correctly. Sorry if I vented to you - not fair of me!

OK, no worries.

Let's stick to this thread so as to avoid double talk. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I haven't seen your other posts or responses, but I know that some posters rail against exposing affairs. These are usually WSs.

Others, espousing righteous morals, rail against exposing affairs as being thinly veiled revenge tactics.

However, most understand that exposure is about the only near-direct thing a BS can do to influence an affair's end once a BS confronts a WS with hard evidence yet the WS still refuses to end it.

It's vitally important, I believe, to contact the OP to alert them that their affair partner is, in fact, married or is not, in fact, going through a divorce, married to an axe murderer or drug dealer or any other manner of evil doing that WSs typically claim.

Once this is done, further contact with OPs is pointless and draws the attention of the BS away from what he/she ought to be doing: Plan A.

You see, an affair is merely the symptom of a marriage disease. The fever of a virus. A BS's efforts are better spent fixing whatever contribution they made to the poor marital environment than to trying to destroy the OP or ridicule the WS. These acts only give the affairees further justification for carrying on the affair.

Perhaps you know all this already.

Regardless, good luck and work hard on your Plan A.

WAT

<small>[ June 02, 2004, 05:15 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

WAT - Actually I am in the so-called recovery process in that my WH says that he loves me and wants to make our marriage work. What we cannot seem to agree on is what I need to know and what I don't. He is making that decision for me by withholding details that I want. That is the reason for the phone call to OW. It was not an effort to get back at her - thus the reason I did not allow myself to get sucked into an argument about whether the affair occurred or not. What I was trying to find out is simply this: Is the information that he has given me the truth?. I felt she was the only other one with that piece of the puzzle and that is all I wanted from her. She confirmed that the relationship is over, although she only acknowledges the friendship.

OK, I understand.

Has he written a NC letter?

Since I never experienced marital recovery, I can't give you any specific advice, other than to beware of relapses. These seem to be common.

If you don't already do so, try hanging out on the Recovery board.

One more thing - I don't recall if you said whether OW was married or not. If so, did you consider tipping off her husband of the affair?

Good luck,
WAT

WAT - I am not sure if the recovery board is my best option right now although I frequently lurk there. You see, my husband wants to sweep it all under the rug and if we talk it is only me expressing my feelings. I don't feel that is true recovery! Also, he still works with her and there was never an NC letter. He simply told her that he wasn't going to call her anymore after I found the phone bills. I just don't believe that it ended so easily since it went on for 18 months and I found letters declaring his undying love for her. How is that an end to such a relationship? "Oh, sorry hon, but the wife found the cell phone bills online and she saw all the calls to you so we have to stop?" Kind of hard to believe!

Also, I am aware of the problem everyone seems to have with relapses and my WH and OW work together! How can I ever feel safe again?

I know I should contact her husband, but I feel like so much time has passed (6 months) since I discovered the A, although WH only admitted it a month ago, it seems like it would be a major setback right now - which I have been slammed for here on more than one occasion. How can I do that without LBing my WH? That is why I felt safer contacting her - maybe illogical, but it is the way I feel right now. Her H has a definite right to know, but why do I have to be the one to inflict this pain on him - especially if the affair is indeed over. I am trying desparately to convince my H that he needs to find a new job and he agrees, but there has been little action on that front. Ideally, he would find a new job and both marriages could be saved. Why destroy the lives of so many - right now it is just mine:)

Yes, recovery is not the place for you.

I missed the detail that they work together. That, with his reluctance to write a NC letter - at least nailing shut the coffin despite them working together - makes this ripe for a relapse. I hope I'm wrong.

All the more reason to tip off her H.

I don't have time to read your past posts, but who has slammed you for wanting to contact the OW's H? Can you point me to a specific post?

What kind of employer do they work for? How old are each of you and do you have any children? What are the ages of the OW and her H and do they have children?

Also, please describe your Plan A improvements. After your H admitted the affair and "ended" it, did he agree to fill out the EN questionaire? In other words, what has each of you done to fix the poor marital environment that made an affair likely?

I suggest you post your story over on GQII. You haven't Just Found Out and you're not yet in recovery. You'll get more traffic over there.