WS is meeting Internet lover tonight. We scheduled for counseling. She said that she was going to her sisters, but i found a plane schedule in her computer. Her internet lover is flying into orlando. She called me to say she loved me and she was at her sisters. After I found out I called her but she turned off her phone. I left a message telling her i knew.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You must just be a wreck right now, you poor thing. I know it doesn't help to know you aren't alone....but most of us have been in a similar spot and just as devasted. Tell me what you know about Plan A....and I'll be glad to help you figure out what to do next. Who knows about the affair?

(((((((((((((father)))))))))))

Starfish, I have recently read the books. Wife said two weeks ago she was thinking about ending our marriage. I asked if there was anyone else and she said no, but I soon found evidence on her computer and phone. She became very ugly over the confrontation. Claimed it was just a friend. However, I saw some of the IM's and heard a phone message.

We have been talking, some. Today was a good day, I even told my daughter that her mom and dad had a good day. We talked in depth about a counselor and our communication problems. Just before she left she initiated a hug and even said she loved me for the first time in a week. All the while I thought she was going to visit her sick sister! What a fool I was, she was going to spread her legs for a man she never met before. And for all I know I even paid for his plane ticket.

I really thought we were getting somewhere. It was only and Internet EA, and I was working on the other contributing problems.

WHere can I go from here. I left a message on the phone telling her how I couldn't believe she did this. I also asked her to come home tommorrow. SHe is scheduled to come home Friday. Or so she said.

I'm afraid she may go straight to a lawyer when she gets back. It is obvious to me her sisters are involved as well.

1FamilyMan, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I had an EA with a man I met through an internet forum. We had been "just friends" for two years, then we met in innocent circumstances, and that kicked off the really intense part of the EA, in which we declared our "love" for each other and planned on leaving our spouses. Thank God it never progressed to PA.

However...how you handle this is going to make or break your marriage. My H LB'd big time for the first couple of months, but then he did a complete turn-around and started Plan A'ing although we hadn't even discovered MarriageBuilders yet.

My husband's persistent love, caring actions, and changes he made in his treatment of me, made all the difference in the world. I had big-time fog and withdrawal, but we came through it, and now I view my H as the hero that rescued me from what would have been the worst mistake of my life. He is 100 times the man the OM is. For one thing, my H has the integrity to NOT cheat on his wife!

MB principles really do work. My H started implementing them before he even knew about them. It was his love and consistent meeting of my EN's that ended up bringing me around.

My thoughts and prayers are with you!

I don't know what to do. I left messages for her on her phone last night to let her know I knew, hopefully put a little damper on things. I didn't call her any names just let her know how surpised and dissappointed I was. Told her I couldn't believe she could do that. I also asked her to come home.

The kids know. She left a message on the machine before I got home from work. She said she was NOT coming home. Tell the kids she loved them and that I should not leave anymore messages on her phone! Said she would see them Friday. I am crushed. I'm am hurt, but not angry, I still want to save the family. I thought we had a chance, but now with the PA I don't know. I still want to, but I think she is going farther and farther away, I don't think she will even go to counciling when she comes back, probably straight to a lawyer.

It all seems so crazy.

Familyman,

I want to give you a link for another site....because I think you need more input than you're getting here. JFO just doesn't get much traffic. You can post of General Questions II or try out this site which is excellent!

http://saveyourmarriagecentral.info...4008616&u=235000936&rc=683786511

In the meantime....as hopeless as this seems to you...to me...who has been here forver...this is right according to script. So let's talk about what to do for now okay?

It's time to expose the affair. That means if the OM is married and you can find out where he lives from his email....you call his wife. You call your wife's parents....and yes even the sister and tell her how disappointed you are. You call any of your friends that are friends to the marriage.

You stop ALL love busters. When she returns, you tell her how this makes you feel...making it about YOU and your feelings. You act, not react. Remain calm and respectful...and ask her to end contact and go to MC with you.

This feels like the end....I know that....but really, it's just the beginning and you can rebuild your marriage but it will take time and patience though your heart is breaking.

If you need extra help
starfish4729@hotmail.com

I'll be away for the weekend, but back on Sunday. Register over at that other board....I'm very active there as well and the support is outstanding!

Starfish, thanks a bunch. I will check into it. Reading the posts on these boards are not encouraging. There is so much pain on here. I have exposed it somewhat.... I will not have the support of her family. All her sisters have been divorced at least once. Her parents were divorced, and her dad has been divorced at least 3 times heading for #4. They view marriage as a disposable institution. All of her sisters kids are a mess. Drug use, failing grades, behaivor problems. I don't want that for my kids.

I planned on telling her I loved her (again) when she gets back but I think she will be very angry at me for finding out that she did something wrong.

On the exposure, while I have not had an affair she does have some valid complaints against me. I have admitted to them and have stopped all of them. She says she thinks I'll go back the way I was, but I told her not to take my word let me show you. But she also has not met my needs... I am putting them on hold, but it is painful.

What about the kids, DD 13 and DS 12. They know.
I have told them not to act angry... mom does love them. We must pull together as a family and encourage her through good actions. Don't give her a reason to believe she is right. How much should I say to the kids. I feel like it is already too much.

1FM,
IMHO the best thing to do is to start to Plan A immediately. Read up on Plan A here on MB. Try to figure out which needs the Om has been filling.

My guess is that if it started as an internet relationship she needed affection and communication. Two things that I was horrible at. But hey if I can learn so can you. BTW, start with the communication but let her come to you. She may not want the affection at first so understand if she pushes you away.

Try not to have relationship talks everytime you see her. It gets old fast for WSs. Try not to indoctrinate her on marriage saving principles either. It'll just push her further away.

Be the best person you can be. Try to figure out what pre-A issues she may have had with you and try to instigate tru change.

Try not to get the kids ivolved. Tell them that Mon and I are having some troubles like all marriages and we hope to work them out. It has nothing to do with you. We both love you.

I'm sure I forgot something so I'll post again later.

cwmac


Having said that you need to try and do it in a non-needy fashion. Some WW hate seeing their husband as a sniveling whiner (I know from experience)

Wife is home. I haven't seen her yet. I work shift work and won't be home until tomorrow morning at 7:30am.

I don't know what to do. I feel like giving her a big hug, telling her I love her, and saying how glad I am that she is home, and safe.

I know she is going to be furious at me for finding out. But she is the one who did it. Surprisingly, I don't feel anger. I feel emotionally devastated and scared for her and the family. Her judgement must really be off to do this from some guy on the internet. I'm scared he is just using her, maybe even to get money from her. I have read about internet preditors who drain all the money out of a woman and dump them. AGGGGGHHHHHH! I needed to do that sorry.

What should I say to her. I know she won't say anything to me.

Well I was wrong, she did have something to say to me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I talked to her on the phone last night and told her " I'm glad your home, I'm glad your safe." She said why would I be worried? She then denied ever being with him. Still stood by her story of visiting her sister. Said she didn't call back because she is tired of not being trusted. ????? Good Lord!
Then she asked me to move out, and that she wanted a divorce.

I told her I saw the flight number for the plane out of las Vegas and saw that she had tracked the number on the internet to see when He arrived. She still denied it all.

I almost want to believe her.... <tears in my eyes>

You should not be the one to move, she should! Hold your ground and refuse to leave.

I agree with mfisher.
She should be the one to go.
By your postings she has already partly alienated the children & neither cared for them or you in deciding to leave to visit her lover. I think the onus must be on her to take responsibility for her actions of abandonment
IMO It is likely the children wll be more under stress with her than with you right now. They have to come first.
That is going to be hard to tell her but the alternaitve is for you to go and leave the children with someone making such risky decisions. What if she brought this internet stranger home to where the children are?
Children first always

Damn It! While wife was meeting her internet friend for two nights I called one of her best friends. I exposed the affair to her, told her how worried I was for WW and the stranger, told her I was committed to saving the marriage, and asked for support. She denied knowing anything about the Internet thing, but did know about all my "problems." She said she couldn't give her advice on the marriage. I told her I understood and that I just needed at least one person in her circle of confidants that was not discouraging her from reconciliation. She said she wouldn't do that and she would encourage WW to participate in counciling. I guess that was as good as I could get. Funny thing was I felt good talking to her. The bomb was that she told me her and her husband were planning on separating. The only friend she had that was still married. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

WW was outraged that I called her friend, and told me to never again call her. I feel I still should, that is the only insight I can get on my wife right now.

Also while she was away with the OM I changed my password on her computer and made myself the adminstrator so she couldn't lock me out.

I took the kids to see Harry Potter today and also took her cell phone. Before I even made it to the theater I was already regretting that decision.

When I got home she was again outraged that I took her phone, said she could see how I was committed to changing for the marriage. Also she found out about the change on her computer and she had a fit about being a prisoner in her own home. I work three jobs and drive a beater truck with a bad transmission. I took her car to the movies (like I always do) I asked if I could take it first. (again like I always do) She was mad I took her car so she couldn't go anywhere ... she won't drive my truck, but it is ok for me to. ??

Said she was going to buy a new computer for herself. We really can't afford one, but I know she'll just go and charge it. I apologized for the phone but also told her why I took it, explaining my feelings in a non-judgemental way. Also did the same for the computer. She has been really bad since she came back. Looked like we were making progress in talking before she left. It was all a facade I guess?

bump

Sounds like fog and cake eater talk to me. She wants to have all of the benefits of marriage, such as a nice car, financial security, cell phone and a nice home, while also having a man on the side. She will not make sense right now, which is due to the infamous fog that is talked about on this board on a regular basis. Buy Surving an Affair from this site if you have not done so already. Get a good plan "A" going and try not to LB. Keep exposing the affair. She will get mad, but most affairs only last about six months after they have been exposed. I know that this seems contradictory to not LB'ing, but it will help in the long run. Avoid unprotected sex with her until you can confirm that she has not contracted any STD's and ask your doctor for anti-D's if you need them. Good luck and God bless.

I read SAA already.

Getting really scared now. Going to counciling this afternoon for the first time.

<small>[ July 06, 2004, 11:15 AM: Message edited by: 1Tin Man ]</small>

....

<small>[ July 06, 2004, 11:16 AM: Message edited by: 1Tin Man ]</small>

Well it's 1:00 pm. We are supposed to leave soon, but wife is not home.

<small>[ July 06, 2004, 11:17 AM: Message edited by: 1Tin Man ]</small>

Go to see a lawyer ASAP. Protect your interests and those of your children. Document the affair and hire a PI if necessary to document her actions. Do not sit by and let her have total control of the situation.