This is the latest letter from my WW. It seems the fog is lifting a bit but there is a TON of work to be done. Our M/Sex life was never great to begin with. We are still together but kind of running in place. We haven't been intimate for 6 months now--it'skilling me.

From WW:
Actually, I thought I was getting a little better until the last two weeks. But, with the baby sick last week, I didn't get any sleep and I was stressed/crabby/tired, and this week I haven't felt so well. My sinus infection is giving me a huge headache, plus I've been working my butt off to play "catch up" at D******.

I know you can't help yourself, but if I'm tired or non-communicative, please don't "read into it". Some days are better than others; as I'm sure you can agree with.

I have wanted to talk to you, but I don't find it easy to bring up the conversations like you do. I told myself that I was going to try to make this marriage work if I can and just see where it takes us. I have been trying to be friendlier to you and not so "distant", and focus my energy on the kids, K**** and D****'s birthdays, and fixing our house up. I thought these things would take my mind off of everything else that is going on and
hopefully give us back some "normalcy" in our lives. It works sometimes,
but at other times, it's a struggle.

You have been amazing through all of this, Bob. And I want you to know that I appreciate all you've done and continue to do. I know it's hard for you to get through the day living under these conditions. It's not a walk in the park for me, either, just so you know. I have feelings of doubt, frustration, confusion, all of the time. I want someone to wave a magic wand and make it all better. But...I know I'm the only one who can do that.

When you left me the "messages in a bottle" the other day, that was very nice and very romantic. Most women would have melted. I, unfortunately, had mixed emotions about it. Which is why I didn't respond. I know you want to be intimate with me again and you are taking "baby steps" to make that happen. But, truthfully, I'm not there yet. And I can't say when I will be. I'm not having intimate feelings for you, Bob. WHICH IS WHY ALL OF THIS STARTED IN THE FIRST PLACE...AND I NEED TO FIGURE OUT WHY!

I need to talk to my counselor again because it's been a while. We actually talked this morning so I can go see her again. I tried to get in tomorrow, but she can't see me until Tuesday.

I haven't talked to or seen R****, so it's not because of him. I want you to know that my relationship with him is 100%, completely OVER. He should not be of concern to you anymore. I'm PROMISING you that!!!

While we're on the subject of him, I really would like it if you would get rid of all of the "affair" literature. It is just a constant reminder to me, and you, of what happened. I don't think we need it "in our faces" on a daily basis. You did your reading and that's great if that's what you felt you need to do. But I don't think books are going to fix this. Our hearts will fix this when and if they are able.

So...that's where I'm at. Probably not what you wanted to hear, but something you needed to hear. I just want you to know I'm not throwing in the towel. I'm taking baby steps in my healing process and will continue counseling to help me figure things out. I don't think I'm quite ready for marriage counseling yet, but I will let you know when I think I am. I think I have some issues I still need to deal with alone.

You're an amazing man and, you're right...you are stronger than I ever gave you credit for. I don't know what's going to happen to us...only time will tell. But, if you can, please try to continue to be patient with me. I'm dealing with things as best as I know how. If you can't or don't want to, that's something you need to decide.

So, as far as my lack of communication is concerned, it's only because I don't want to tell you hurtful things. I've hurt you enough and I don't want to do it anymore.

I'll talk to you this weekend. Maybe we can get a babysitter and go out and
talk or just go get a bite to eat and a movie and just "hang out". Maybe
you can call your mom or I can call L*****. I'll let you decide if that's
something you want.

Love,
***

Hi I.G.P.,

I'd say that her letter is pretty positive. There are some really insighful comments that may give you some ideas on how/where to focus your energies on...

My wife was never so open with me when we started rebuilding our M. I had no idea what she thought or wanted. I would "read into" every little word she said... and come up with what I thought she meant.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> While we're on the subject of him, I really would like it if you would get rid of all of the "affair" literature. It is just a constant reminder to me, and you, of what happened. I don't think we need it "in our faces" on a daily basis. You did your reading and that's great if that's what you felt you need to do. But I don't think books are going to fix this. Our hearts will fix this when and if they are able.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This was the only part of her letter that I would take exception too... IMHO, your "hearts" aren't going to "fix" anything... She might not like having it "in her face" on a daily basis, but did she ask you if it would be OK for her to have an A??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

As for her comment of </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> So, as far as my lack of communication is concerned, it's only because I don't want to tell you hurtful things. I've hurt you enough and I don't want to do it anymore. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">... you and your W won't truly start rebuilding your M until she is completely honest with you. It's natural for a WS to want to "protect" you and the M from further pain... but you need to be honest with yourself, what's left to protect? For me, not knowing certain details was just more lies and deceit... and my wife's attempts to "protect" me from more pain, only slowed our rebuilding process.

You seem to be doing much better than I ever did when I was where you are now... Get a copy of Torn Asunder by Dave Carder... Our MC recommended this book and it really helped...

Keep posting and let us know how you're doing...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

I am with RIF90. I was concerned about those same two parts. First I say stick to the materials that are helping your M. To do otherwise would be like putting on a shirt because you don’t like the reminder of blood flowing from the bullet hole in your chest. Secondly communication is the tool to the cure, like a scalpel. It hurts to have cancer cut out but it hurts more to not.