Hi - I am new to this forum, since I am really confused at the moment and feeling totally helpless. Perhaps someone can give me advice.

I have been married over 9 years now and we have a beautiful son of 5 years. Due to lack of work I have worked on and off overseas over the last 4 years and most of the time have only been home for 2-3 weeks a year.

My wife has always been faithful to me and we had a tremendous relationship in the past. There have been ups and downs like in other marriages but it mostly focused on lack of money and never really about relationship issues. In our marriage we always had open communication and discussed everything.

A few weeks ago I got the good news, that I will be able to work on a long-term contract at home and thus can spent time with my family again.

Last week my wife told me, that she needs to discuss serious things with me when I come back and she would rather do it face to face instead over the phone. She also mentioned, that she fears, that if she tells me now, I would not come back.

I am now fearing the worst. Over the last two months my wife was starting up a new business and met many new people and it is quite possible that she has met someone now. If this was really the case, I can understand that she is now confused and probably has broken off all ties and regrets whatever has happened.

At the moment the situation is odd, since I think she might have had an affair and she has also become distant and says that she has "really ****ed up".

I love her too much that I would not try everything to keep her and also understand that due to the long-term separation she has lacked company and was lone (as much as I was overseas).

Perhaps I am just overreacting and it might not be as bad as I now think. At the moment this whole issue is tearing me apart as I do not want to hear the news over the phone and would rather discuss it face to face - and I still have to wait another 2 1/2 weeks until I am back home.

I do not know how to overcome it now and how I can prepare myself emotionally so that we can reconcile.

Hmmm. Welcome to marriagebuilders. You have 2 weeks to start understanding the MB program, which will really help you, no matter what the news is.

Sounds promising that she wants to tell you the truth. Most lie, even when caught.

Start by reading the General Welcome to All New Builders. You should start in Plan A.

Welcome,, you are at the right place to try to deal with all of the emotions you have,, as for your situation I have to say that it doesnt sound good, but if she does confide in you about an affair then you are one of the few men whos spouse felt so bad that they just had to tell their husband,, this is a sure sign that she is sorry and loves you very much. She could conceal this from you if she wanted and I am sure she knows it will hurt you,, but she may feel that it is something you deserve to know as you are the man she loves..hope its something else though.. keep posting your thoughts

Hi there WTG,

Welcome to MB.

If I had to fathom a guess,I would say that your W may have been unfaithful too.I don't agree that she should have mentioned that she had a serious issue to discuss with you over the phone as I know you must be riddled with fear and anxiety on just what is going on and now you have to wait,with this pressing on you,until you return home.That happened to me too and thus began my darkest journey into he**.

All you can do now is pray for the best but prepare for the worst and being here will give you some idea of how to cope if it indeed is Infidelity that your W wants to talk to you about.I don't know of many other problems in which your W would tell you that you may not want to come home after she tells you.

All I can offer at this time is that if you really find that this unknown is eating you up alive then ask your W directly what it is that she needs to discuss.This is of course is just one option and you don't have to if you don't feel you can bear it.

For me,I HAD to press my WH to tell me on the phone because I was literally going nuts and losing sleep and I had all kinds of symptoms and I knew I wasn't going to be able to last until he came home,it was just SO awful so I can really sympathize with how you must be feeling right now.My WH wanted to wait and tell me in person too when he came home AND how nice of him to think of dropping the bomb on our weekend Anniversary.

There really is no best way to let someone know about this but I will hope and pray for you that Infidelity is not about to be in your future.Again,another reason to press for an answer is that maybe it isn't as dire as you are thinking right now.

Anyway,whatever happens,do come back and post and let us know how things turn out.Hang in there.

O

Octobergirl, Eric,

thanks for the advise. After reading some more from MB I decided last night, to write an email to my wife, explaining my fears and this morning I have found out the shocking news.

Some 8 weeks ago my wife had a lot of contact with a guy she was going to open a business together. They have seen each other for a few weeks and slept with each other. Even though they used contraceptives she became pregnant. For her it was initially more emotional (which is understandable - she has been alone for most of the last 4 years). The guy wanted to marry her - but she had no interest and he mentioned once to her that the only way he will get her is to make her pregnant. I know that to have an affair it always takes to consenting adults, but also believe that he abused the situation and her lonliness and (probably on purpose) made her pregnant to win the upper hand.

Even if she was not pregnant, she would have told me in anycase. She even tried to go for an abortion, but it was already too late.

Since I have expected the worst (even to this extent) for some weeks I had made my decision weeks back, that regardless of what the situation might be (and if at all possible), we will try and make our marriage better. She has broken off contact for several weeks now with him and is understandable emotionally finished. There was a lot of crying on both sides today, and she said that she is really sorry that it happened that way and that she never loved him. She did not expect me to react in that way and was shocked, that I have not become angry about the infidelity. She said, that she can not understand why I would still be with her after what she has done, but even after all what happened I still love her too much.

I am not too sure how everything will work out, but at the moment I feel very strong trying to keep everything together and hope we can together overcome this.

She said, that the other guy has put a lot of pressure on her in the past, and she believes, that he will try and disrupt our family life - after all it his child. I wonder if there is any way to keep him completely out of this.

I know - and this might be naive on my side - that my wife is not the type of character to sleep around - after all she has been faithful to me for nine years and but wonder (and am somewhat worried) how I will be able not just to deal with my wife being unfaithful and then also raising someones elses child. At the moment I am very confused....

WTG,, I logged on this morning and my first thought was to check your situation,, I think you were prepared for the fact that your WW had an affair. I know niether you or me was prepared for her pregnancy,,, I am in unchartered waters with your total situation. I do know I have been torn up by my FWW,, one thing I can tell you now that I couldnt have told you 2 months ago is that I am healing and I never thought I would feel half as good as I do now. This is going to be a difficult time for you and I would imagine you are thinking it may be hopeless. Remember that you are not alone shockingly enough I have read some post that are similar to yours. Stay with this site vent here and try to listen to the people who can really relate and give you hope that this can be overcome. Be strong you and your WW have alot to resolve and plan for,, seek a good counselor to help guide you and her through this. I would also check the pregnancy forum here,,you will find that there are alot of similar posts. Be strong and keep updating your situation.

Hello again WTG,

Well I am sorry that what we thought happened was true and with the added issue of a pregnancy.

You have some big hurdles to get over and you are in for a very long haul.So,now that it appears you and your WW want to try and reconcile the situation,you both need a tremendous amount of support.Like eric mentioned,the Pregnancy forum here can help probably better than the Just Found out so you should think about moving over there.This board doesn't get as much traffic.

Your WW obviously made a very big mistake in getting involved with the OM and I can understand you're wanting to put more blame on him(OM) for using your WW but she consented just as much as he did,they are equally responsible for where they are right now.

And be aware that although you may feel strongly about wanting to save your marriage,that could very well likely change once all the emotion settles in.You can expect a lot of anger and pure sadness to come,this is a painful situation to be in.You both really need to get into some counseling,get some books,post here and your WW now needs to take care of herself due to this pregnancy.There's a lot to get through but I don't think it's hopeless.I wish you much luck and strength.Let us know how you are doing.

O

Thanks everyone for the tremendous support so far. I am moving my post over to Pregnany / Child in the hope I will be able to get more support from people going through the same situation as I.

wheretogo,

I am NOT an expert on abortion, but if I recall correctly 8 weeks is NOT too late to do this. I believe it is the first trimester of the pregnancy.

Something is NOT adding up here and I worry that you have gotten awful news from your W, but you have not gotten the full truth. Please inquire further of her.

God Bless,

JL

Dear Just Learning,

even though abortion might be the "most sensible" thing to do in a situation like that and perhaps would sort out a lot of future problems awaiting us, I still believe that, regardless of the circumstances, killing a little soul would not improve our situation in the future.

Hmmmm. The pregnancy thing crossed my mind, but I didn't want to post and make your fears worse.

I would advise against abortion. I know lots of people here may not agree. I had an abortion 20 years ago, and it was the worse mistake I ever made. I was in an abusive marriage, and finally got a job being a pipefitter. I was worried that I could not do the work pregnant (and yes I did use protection that failed). So to make a long story short, I got the abortion, thinking I had to sacrifice one child for the sake of my other two. That was also the end of my marriage. I have deeply regretted it ever since.

So, while this may be hard, I see a lot of positives for your marriage. She is sorry. She is not a bad person, just got lonely, and fell into a mess.

See if she will come here and post.

wheretogo,

I am not advocating abortion. As a long time poster on this site and yes even the pregnancy board, it was in fact a lady posting here years ago that had OM's child but did not tell her H that got me posting here, I am telling you to pay attention to the details.

What I am saying is that there seems to be an inconsistency in her story that is glaring if I understand things correctly. This is NOT good for you or your marriage. If you decide to stay with your W and raise this child it will be an extremely difficult thing to do. Others have done it.

HOWEVER, what will make it harder or even a show stopper is if you ARE NOT getting the truth NOW. OF all the things you need to make your decision and to follow your decision it is the TRUTH.

It is not uncommon for WW's to lie, especially pregnant ones. Hence my comment about the abortion. I am not advocating it, I am simply saying WATCH OUT, something doesn't seem right.

Keep your eyes open, your ears tuned, and to quote a saying from the Reagan era: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Trust but verify.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">.

God Bless,

JL

<small>[ June 11, 2004, 12:59 PM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>

JL,

Now you have me wondering if I missed something .Do you think that WTG doesn't know the unborn child isn't his? He does know it's OM's.If that's not what you are worried about I would like to know what is.

O

October,

My concern is/was that she is telling him the truth about the A. Let's say I know what I am talking about with the subject of abortion, and it can be performed through the first trimester, that would be 12 weeks. He made the comment that it occured 8 weeks ago and it is too late to consider an abortion.

If I am reading this right, that must mean that the A started earlier, hence there is some lying going on. Not surprising, but if there is a little is there a lot. For example has she really gone NC on the OM? Does she really have no feelings for him? You know things like these that just drive a BS nuts. It is hard enough with "just" an A, but it is much more difficult if one is contemplating raising a child by OM and WW.

Hence my comment. It really was NOT advocating abortion, but simply questioning the timing and hence the truth of what he has heard.

Does that help? Hope so.

JL

October,
Not to put words in JL's mouth but I think he's saying that he's concerned that there are inconcistencies in Wheretogo's W's story.

In other words, if it's too late for abortion option then maybe she's been pregnant longer than she has admitted to and therefore there may be more to the story that isn't being told.

JL, sorry if I mucked it up by I think that's the point that you were driving at. Yes?

cwmac

Oh ok.I see what you're saying but it's probably/hopefully just a matter of a few weeks if she isn't sure when she conceived and if she had an menstrual irregularities to begin with(and I too know about abortion issues,I am an RN).

All in all we know WS's are liars and just how much they lie is anyone's guess.WTG is in for some rough road ahead irregardless.

O

Hi - just a brief update. We have been talking a lot over the phone the last few days and worked through some of the issues - although the real work will start once I return in two weeks.

Regarding the OC - my wife did do a preg-test a few weeks after the incident but it was clear. But two weeks ago she was feeling quite sick and decided to go to a gyno to check it out. When she said it was to late - she ment, that there was already a hard-beat - at that point in time abortion means a totatlly different thing.

I checked online-phone bills and from the records the A must have started around beginning of April and was going on till end of May.

Hang in there. I know this has to be very hard for you. But you CAN have a better marriage. Things CAN turn out better for you, your wife, your family, and the baby.

Would your wife post here? Lately we have all kinds of WW's showing up here.