The summer plans of 2003 were simple, my wife and four kids would go to San Diego to visit Grandma and I would join them two weeks later. I could not take three weeks of vacation, so the plan seemed a good compromise. I would have the house to myself for 2 weeks; when you have 4 kids that's like winning the lottery.

When I was 10 years old these boys from across the street asked me to come over, they were not my friends, as I had no friends. I was thrilled to be asked, so I went. In their room they showed me their porno magazines. I had never seen a naked woman before. I was instantly hooked. They even coaxed me into acting out having sex with the magazine. So two weeks alone was an opportunity without boundaries.

I had given up the porn before but about 5 years ago, I went back to it. I told a friend who was a recovering alcoholic (sober 15 years) thinking he could help me. But he told me not to come clean cover my tracks and just stop. I tried, that did not work. For the next four years I got deeper and deeper. Since I did not like alcohol and was afraid of drugs, porn became my drug of choice. I took it to be happy, to relieve stress, to calm my nerves, whatever the problem porn was my answer.

So the week of June 22, 2003 came and I was getting my fix. It was during this that I found first the diary and then the emails. I was in shock; my wife was having an Internet affair with her old high school boyfriend (a married man no less). This was the wakeup call for me, I got on my knees and prayed right then and there. I wrote a full confession, and went to see my pastor. I knew the next step was to go to CA and confront and confess to my wife.

I got my wife to confess first, well sorta. I wanted her to go first so maybe she would not run away when I confessed. I am not so sure that was a good idea. Anyway, she kicked me out of her mom's house and at the end of the week I went home to PA; a week later my wife and kids followed. However, before I left I confronted the other man via phone. I told him I had copies of everything and that I wanted a chance with my wife to make things right. I told him to break it off with my wife with whatever excuse he wanted. I gave him my word that if he did as I requested, the phone call and proof (emails, etc) would stay between us. He even said he wanted to work things out with his wife.

I started counseling on a regular basis. My wife even went once. I became more involved around the house. My wife got a part-time job and I worked my schedule to support her schedule. I made a full confession about all my stuff and even taught her what to look for a "proof" of using the computer to view porn. I got an accountability partner who asks me "the tough questions" every week. I wrote her a letter a week (mailed them too) like I did when we were dating (councilor's suggestion). I did everything I could to let her know that I forgave and was 100% committed to our marriage. She seemed to be happier. Things seemed to be looking up. We even went on a cruise for our 10th anniversary.

But I have been a fool. She has continued the Internet affair. Last week I confronted her with the choice of him or me (and the kids). She said that she chose me. We started couples counseling on Tuesday. But Wednesday morning she called me at work. She said she wants to fly to CA to say goodbye to him in person. I think that is serious poison, a very bad idea! She hung up on me. I don't know if she will sneak out and go to CA anyway.

So do I call the other mans wife? Am I breaking my word by doing so? Am I breaking my word by NOT doing so? Can I live with either choice?

I am in so much pain. I love my wife and I want to protect my family. I don't want a divorce but I cannot go on being the "other man" in my own home. I have been a MAN in all that has happened. I have accepted my responsibilities and am willing to pay the price for my actions and choices. I am willing to be open and honest. But the other man is a coward, doesn't keep his word, not willing to pay the price for his family. But, he is the one she writes "is the Best of All Men".

Call the OM's wife immediately.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong> Call the OM's wife immediately. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If I had not given my word to the OM this would be eaiser. I still NEED to know...

Am I breaking my word by calling the OMW? Am I breaking my word by NOT calling the OMW?

Most importantly, can I live with either choice? I know my W will HATE me for calling! I can't even do it anonymously. Once the OM finds out he will call my W, Just like he did last summer. I know the OMW suspects, I have read it for myself. She must be going through hell too.

Look at the list of players whose lives hang in the balance: Me, W, OM, OMW, My 4 kids, OM/OMW's 2 kids. With so much to loose and nothing to gain WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY! (you can almost feel the silence when I ask WHY!)

<small>[ June 10, 2004, 02:31 PM: Message edited by: zippyTWM ]</small>

I vote call her. You are in a tough spot either way, but acting to protect the two marriages is a higher good than not breaking your word given to the OM.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by kam6318:
<strong> I vote call her. You are in a tough spot either way, but acting to protect the two marriages is a higher good than not breaking your word given to the OM. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you ever made the dreaded call? (TDC hey new acro) I feel like such a coward. How can I have endured so much but yet a phone call seems almost insurmountable.

You gave your word that you would not tell his wife if he broke off the affair. He did not. Tell his wife. Yes your wife will be mad, they all are.

Post up on general questions where there is more traffic, and I bet you will have 20 tell his wife replies by dinner time.

Believer is right - he did not keep his word with respect to breaking off the A - you need to tell his W - obviously your wife is in a Fog -

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sl000:
<strong> Believer is right - he did not keep his word with respect to breaking off the A - you need to tell his W - obviously your wife is in a Fog - </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel like everything I ever knew is wrong. It's like waking up one day and all the traffic lights are blue, orange and purple. You just know they used to be red, yellow and green but you can’t find any evidence. Everyone you ask looks at you like you are from mars, because they know lights are blue, orange and purple. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Yes, she is in a fog, but I am in utter chaos in a world I don’t understand. It is torment to be around my kids, that I dearly love. I just want to grab them and hold on and squeeze them and never let go; then seconds later I want to push them and everyone away. Why don’t people just drop dead when this happens, how are you people keeping alive? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

We all know EXACTLY how you feel. But it will get better. You might want to try anti-D's for awhile. They help you focus on what you have to do.

Also we stick to the MB program, which really works.

We see the MC again on Wednesday. Despite NC, I have found another email account, this one has 1100+ emails. I intend to confront my W about it.

I hope to bring up POJA and Plan A at the MC. Prayers and well wishes are appreciated.