An 11 year marriage with 3 beautiful kids is at stake. I found out 2 weeks ago my wife was having an affair, and, long story short, she won't end it and is now asking for divorce. I KNOW that she is not thinking rationally as she said she is willing to sacrifice our relationship, her relationship with her parents and family and her relationship with God and her church to be this man (also married w/2 kids). I know she vacillates between trying to fix our marriage or getting her "fix" with him (she acts like an addict now) but whatever progress me, her friends or her church makes goes down the drain when she sees him again. I could have been a better spouse, as could she, but I know we can fix this if only she will end the affair. She has done and said some incredibly cruel and hurtful things to push me away, but I keep telling her "I love you very much but this is wrong". She feels absolutely no remorse or compassion for what I'm going through, she is a completely different person than I or anyone else knows. She's known this guy about 2 months and I know he's manipulating her with gifts and promises of the future. She acts like she hates me and I can't seem to do or say anything right in her eyes but I told her I refuse to give up due to my deep love for her, our children and our families. I'm taking it in the gut daily, trying to control my emotions and not do/say anything stupid. I have no hope right now, but I can't give up. She says he's filing for divorce Monday and she wants to do the same, but I feel like she's testing me, wanting me to give up and walk away. I've talked to many people that have been through this and have come out better spouses, parents, kids and friends because of it (if they reconciled), but it's all in my wife's hands right now. Someone please, please tell me she will snap out of this, I can't let my kids be brought up in a broken home and she just doesn't understand the consequences of her actions right now.

Welcome to marraige builders. Luckily you found this place in time. Your wife is acting just like most WS's do. Right now she is like a drug addict. But there is a plan here that may help you, called Plan A. Read all about it here under the General Welcome to All New Builders thread.

You might want to post on the General Questions board as weekends are fairly slow.

I heard the same thing you did exactly one month ago...we have two children under the age of four, we have been married 8 years (together 16 years) and he told me it was over. Tonight...he told me that he was starting to end it with the other woman.

There is hope...although I must tell you that I don't think that my journey with all of this has ended. I'm not sure his affair is really over. And as much as I wish he would "snap out of it", there were reasons that brought us to this place....

This web site has some wonderful information on what to do at the place that you are at...namely something called "plan A". Please don't give up, and do read this information....I'm sure more experienced veterans will be by soon to give you advice...and I'll be back to share and support.

Hang in there....

I can't seem to find anything called "plan A". Sorry, but could you summarize it or show me exactly where I can read it? I read the book "Surviving an Affair" yesterday and it was loaded with great information, just don't remember any "plan A".

I'm back - here is one article.

Plan A is for the betrayed spouse to negotiate with the wayward spouse to totally separate from the lover without angry outbursts, disrespect, and demands. These three Love Busters not only ruin any effort to reach a negotiated settlement, but they also make the betrayed spouse much less attractive to the wayward spouse. Instead of encouraging total separation from the lover, the anger, disrespect and demands of the betrayed spouse make the lover appear to be the only one who truly cares about the wayward spouse. They literally throw the wayward spouse into the arms of the lover.

On the other hand, if the betrayed spouse approaches the wayward spouse with respect and thoughtfulness, the cruelty and self-indulgence of the affair is much easier for the wayward spouse to understand. And once the wayward spouse's mistake is acknowledged, it's much easier for him or her to take the first step toward recovery by agreeing to never see or talk to the lover again.

In these negotiations for total separation, the causes of the affair should be addressed. Since one of these causes is usually unfulfilled emotional needs, the betrayed spouse should express a willingness to meet those needs after the affair has ended. Another common cause is a wayward spouse's failure to take the betrayed spouse's feelings into account. The betrayed spouse's inconsiderate behavior sometimes leads the wayward spouse to believe that he or she has the right to return thoughtlessness with thoughtlessness by having an affair. Willingness of the betrayed spouse to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement goes a long way toward resolving the issue of thoughtlessness.

A third possible cause of an affair is a lifestyle where spouses spend much of their leisure time apart from each other, and form leisure-time friendships with those of the opposite sex. A plan to avoid being away from each other overnight and making each other favorite leisure-time companions goes a long way toward creating a passionate marriage that is essentially affair-proof.

In general, a betrayed spouse's effort to encourage the wayward spouse to end the affair should address all the root causes of the affair, and offer a solid plan for marital recovery. It should not be one-sided, however. The plan should make the wayward spouse and the betrayed spouse equally responsible for following the overall plan.

But plan A, an effort to end the affair with thoughtfulness and care, doesn't always work. In many cases a wayward spouse is so trapped by the addiction that he or she does not have the will-power to do the right thing. Once in a while the fog lifts and the cruelty and tragedy of the affair hits the wayward spouse right between the eyes. In a moment of grief and guilt, he or she promises to end it. But then the pain of withdrawal symptoms often brings back the fog with all its excuses and rationalization, and the affair is on again.

Sometimes a wayward spouse settles into a routine of having his or her cake and eating it too. In an effort to win the wayward spouse back, the betrayed spouse meets emotional needs that the lover cannot meet, while the lover meets emotional needs that the betrayed spouse has not learned to meet. While this competition is excruciatingly painful to the betrayed spouse, and the lover as well, the wayward spouse basks in the warmth of being loved and cared for by two people, with no real motivation to choose one over the other.

So, to avoid an indefinite period of suffering while a wayward spouse vacillates between spouse and lover, and to avoid rewarding the selfish behavior of having needs met by both spouse and lover, if plan A does not work within a reasonable period of time, I recommend plan B.

Plan B is for the betrayed spouse to avoid all contact with the wayward spouse until the affair has completely ended and the wayward spouse has agreed to my plan for recovery. In many cases, once an affair has ended, a betrayed spouse makes the mistake of taking the wayward spouse back before an agreement is made regarding marital recovery. This leads to a return to all the conditions that made the affair possible -- love is not restored, resentment is not overcome, and there is a very great risk for another affair. Without agreement and subsequent implementation of a plan for recovery, the betrayed spouse is better off continuing with plan B.

Since plan B (and plan A, for that matter), is extremely stressful for the betrayed spouse, I usually recommend that he or she ask a physician to prescribe anti-depressant medication to be taken throughout the crisis. This not only greatly reduces the suffering of the betrayed spouse, but it also helps keep a clear head at a time when patience and wise decisions are crucial. Anti-depressant medication does not numb the betrayed spouse to the crisis, it actually helps raise him or her above emotional reactions that would otherwise prevent clear-headed thinking. Why suffer and and make poor choices when anti-depressant medication can help ease your pain and improve your concentration in this time of unprecedented crisis?

While I have seen remarkable success by people using plan A and plan B, success is by no means guaranteed. The problem with Plan B is that the unfaithful spouse may not return, nor agree to the plan for recovery, even after the affair has ended. Separation in marriage is always risky because, "out of sight, out of mind." Unless plan A leaves the wayward s pouse with the impression that returning home is an attractive choice, separation can become permanent. So before implementing plan B, you want to be sure that the last thing your spouse remembers about you is the care and thoughtfulness you offered in plan A. That way, the separation can help create, "absence makes the heart grow fonder."

As it turns out, most affairs end within six months of their seeing the light of day (being revealed to their family and friends), and almost all affairs end without leading to marriage. Even those few that end in marriage have only a 25% rate of success. That's because affairs are based on dishonesty and thoughtlessness for the feelings of others. That same dishonesty and thoughtlessness eventually turns on the lovers themselves, and the affair is destroyed by those same flaws that made it possible in the first place. What drives affairs is passion, not commitment, and once the passion wanes, there is nothing to help the lovers restore their passion. Marriage, on the other hand, especially with children, has many factors that motivate couples to restore their passion for each other after passion has waned. So when passion is gone from an affair, a wayward spouse is usually motivated to return to the betrayed spouse by all of these other factors. For most, it's a logical choice.

But what about marital separation when an affair is not the issue. In your letter, you did not indicate why you had separated. It may have been for reasons other than infidelity.

In general, I recommend separation when at least one spouse cannot control destructive behavior. An ongoing affair, of course, is one of those situations. Hence, plan B. But other situations such as physical and verbal abuse, where one spouse's mental or physical safety is as risk, are also grounds for separation. As in the case of infidelity, if one spouse is abusive, I often recommend plan A first, where, through negotiation (without anger, disrespect or demands), an attempt is made to overcome the abuse without separating.

But in some cases, the safety risks are so great that plan B should be implemented immediately, with no time for plan A. In these cases, treatment for the abusive habit must take place during separation, and some evidence must exist that the risk has been greatly reduced, or completely eliminated, before the spouses should return to each other. Then, after being together again, the formerly abusive spouse should be held accountable by others for his or her behavior to assure the other spouse's safety.

In other cases, such as annoying behavior or failure to meet important emotional needs, where thoughtlessness does not reach the level of physical or mental abuse, plan A should be given quite a bit of time and effort before resorting to plan B. Remember, plan A is negotiating (without anger, disrespect or demands) to eliminate the annoying behavior or improve the meeting of emotional needs. A blanket agreement between spouses to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement goes a long way toward eliminating these thoughtless acts, and can also help couples learn to meet each other's needs with enthusiasm. But without that policy, couples often find that they cannot get anywhere with each other through negotiation, and sometimes separation can eventually lead to mutual recognition that they need the Policy of Joint Agreement to help them resolve conflicts.

But, as I mentioned earlier, the risks of separation are great. It should be used only as a last resort to help resolve a fatal flaw in marriage. Once separated, couples often never do reconcile, remaining separated for life, or they eventually divorce. A fact unknown to many is that fifteen to twenty percent of all married couples end their lives permanently separated. These, who are not included in divorce statistics, usually feel that they should not legally divorce for religious reasons. But for most practical purposes, they are as divorced as those legally divorced. Their separation did not create the opportunity for reconciliation, but rather, created an even higher barrier between spouses.

So whenever spouses separate, I usually encourage a plan that moves them toward eventual reconciliation. From your letter, it sounds as if you are moving in that direction, and you simply need to know when it would be the right time to move back together. And you may want to know more about full marital recovery after you have ended your separation.

The four rules to recovery that I recommend after an affair are marital rules that every couple should be following. So they should form the basis for any plan for recovery after a separation. Since the four rules cover every conceivable problem that married couples face, they would address the issue that led to your separation. If you were to follow these four rules as part of your plan for recovery, I guarantee you that you will not only eliminate the problems that led you to separate, but you will also resolve many other conflicts that have prevented you from having a successful marriage.

I encourage you and your husband to make a commitment to follow the Four Rules for a Successful Marriage: Care, Protection, Honesty and Time, and once the commitment is made, end your separation and begin a marriage that will last a lifetime.

Thanks, "Believer", I was practicing Plan A on advice from others and the book but didn't know it had a name.
I left my wife a note on her pillow last night (she got home late and is sleeping in the guest room) that said "I love you very much". I heard her get in about 12:30 AM (she was helping a neighbor cook for a party today) but she wasn't here when I got up and her car is in the driveway. Her alarm was set for 3 AM, I'm sure she walked down the street and he picked her up. What do I say to this and other incidents like it? I'm not worried about her not coming home because she made commitments with friends all this weekend but this is very hard on the kids and they are asking questions that I can't answer honestly. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I love her so much but I can feel that love slipping slowly and at some point, she won't be worth it.

How long have you been practicing Plan A? The MB program is to do it for 3 to 6 months, unless you feel your love slipping away. Then it is time for Plan B.

Do you know anything about OM? Is he married? If so, it is important to contact his wife.

No (angry) confrontations.

If there are 'facts' you are 99 44/100% sure of;
you can mention what you believe, and how you feel about it.

If you are in Plan A, then:
'With all of what I know, I still love you, and will do all I can to save this mariage.'

Listing specifics of what you will do as part of Plan A, will go a long way; and then live up to it.

OneGoing.

I've been doing Plan A for about 1 1/2 to 2 weeks, but she is floating the idea of divorce already. I think she is saying it to see my reaction (which has been calm) but her behavior is so erratic right now I just don't know. The OM is married with 2 children. He tells my wife that his marriage has been over for a long time and that he is filing for divorce on Monday. I believe this is his way of manipulating my wife to do the same, before she comes to her senses.
I did talk to his wife, she called me the day after I found out about the affair to ask about our phone number on all his cell phone bills, that's when I knew WHO it was. She told me a lot of things she thought I would want to hear about him, to make me hate him. Turns out she's not the pinnacle of honesty herself, but all I do need to know is that he's married with 2 kids and he went after another married woman with 3 kids. Sounds like they've agreed to divorce, but I just don't know. I don't have any desire to talk to this woman, I don't feel she's much better than her husband is.

Well just hang in there. I know it is awful at first, but things do get better. Stick to Plan A, and if it gets too hard, see a doctor and get some anti-depressants. They really help.

Who else knows about the affair? Exposing it to her parents and family as well as your family and trusted friends will usually make continuing the affair less comfortable for the affair partners and will probably hasten its end. What have you got to lose? Telling everyone will hopefully also give you some much needed support.

If the affair were over, however, exposure would not be recommended.

Hang in there, Devestated34.

Natalie

It does feel good to hear you say that, "believer", thank you. I don't know about anti-depressants. I've never liked the feeling of any drug in my body, what do they do for you? Give you a sense of false happiness? I need to be able to think clearly and act rationally.

Our immediate families and some close friends, as well as some supporters in her church and her Minister know about the affair. When I felt I lost her, I called everyone I thought could help us. She resents me for it, but I believe, down the road, it will have been the right decision. In sharing this with people, I realized many others had experienced this, (including my parents!) and they all claim to have better marriages now. This is my only source of hope because I'm not getting any from my wife.

Oh dear, men never want to take drugs. What is up with that? I never even take aspirin, but was so miserable that I decided to try anti-D's. And the answer is, No, they don't give you a false sense of happiness. What they do is make it easier to cope with all the problems.

Sorry, but when you are suddenly confronted with losing your family, wife and way of life, it is a huge shock. Everything you thought was true is now a lie. WS's are like addicts, and do crazy, crazy things.

You are at the crossroads right now. You may lose your love for your wife. You may be in so much misery that you cannot stick to the program. You may not be able to give your children the love and security that they desperately need right now. That is where anti-D's can help.

Believer, I'm glad you said that. I also never take meds, or even go to the doctor. Odd since I work as a medical provider.

I did thing AD would give me false sense of happiness, and I always said I didn't want something to make think things were better than they were. I realize now I was wrong. I had deep depression several years ago that I should have sought treatment for, I regret every one of those days.

The current thinking on depression is that if you do not get treated for it, you usually will have another episode.

People think that anti-D's make you suddenly happy. They don't. It usually takes a couple of weeks for them to kick in.

I was lucky that I got the right one the first time - Paxil. I have very few side effects. But on the 22nd day that I took them, I woke up feeling better able to cope.

When I first found out, I was like a zombie at work. Now I have gotten a promotion. I can deal with the stress, and make good choices.

For men, there may be a better anti-D. Many have side effects in the sexual area. Like an inability to have orgasm. That is no problem for me, since SF is not part of my life right now.

So look around carefully. Wellbutrin is good, but there are a lot of foods you can't eat, and no alcohol. Check with your doctor.

I hope you will check into this, because it really can help you. I especially worry about your children, because they only have one parent that is thinking clearly right now.

Devastated34

I stubbornly tried to survive not taking any meds due to foolish pride and wariness about some of the side effects. I started about 2 weeks ago and there has been a lot of improvement particulary with my level of anxiety and it has stopped the spontaneous crying jags I would go through. I am in my own modified version of Plan B and it is very difficult psychologically. The meds have made my emotions much less labile.

I too found out about my WW a couple of months ago, but thankfully we do not have children in the equation. My heart goes out to you. I know the first weeks are times of wild desparation but do NOT forget the quality of man you were and are. Hold your head high as you go about your day. As others find out your situation ( and they will) a confident stable man is what they will see. That attitude will get back to your WW and I GUARANTEE it makes a difference in the short and long term.

Keep reading MB but do not get fixated on this site. It has a lot of wonderful people and great advice but only YOU can determine what works best for you.

About all I can do is hold my head high and proclaim my will to not give up, even though I really don't have much hope right now and I'm dying inside. I will look into the AD's and even suggest them to my wife if/when I can. Thanks, all, for the feedback.
One thing I feel I have on my side is my wife's Christianity. I think if she didn't have her faith she would be gone, at least she says she would be. The bible tells her she is going to hell unless she repents. I'm not a man of faith but am really looking for answers with an open mind, especially now. I've been going to her church for support since we found out (relatively new to the area, don't know anyone else locally) and am amazed at the open arms I have found from strangers that want to help us. I believe her faith can only help our situation, even if initially she wants to reconcile for the wrong reasons (meaning our family isn't her main priority). Has anyone felt their marriage was saved because of their faith?

Lots of people here have saved the marriage by their faith. For me it has not worked. My WH is a committed Christian and knows he is doing wrong, but cannot seem to stop.

However through this program, I feel better and still have a lot of hope. It is a horrible shock at first, but when you figure out WS's all say and do the same things, you get to understand that it is not so much about you.

I know that my wife got legal advice yesterday and nonchalantly told a friend "how easy it was". She's not herself anymore and I'm afraid she'll make the biggest mistake of her life and file for divorce. I still won't give up but that seems like a path she can't turn back from. Has anyone come back from the brink of divorce or have I completely lost her? I talked to a counselor last night and she wants me to take care of myself so I'm seeing a doctor tomorrow for a basic checkup and ask about some AD's. I never thought I'd say it but I worry about STD's now since we were having sex when she was with him before I knew. I'm almost afraid to get tested.