I found out about the first affair last April, on Easter Sunday, which just happened to be my 7 year anniversary. My H, while on deployment with the military, had a one night stand with a woman. This happened in 2001. When he told me last year, I was absolutely devastated. Suicidal and very, very depressed. I was also pregnant with our second child at the time. He wanted me to abort the baby, and I was adamantly against doing that. He went so far as to drive me to the clinic, but thank the Lord, there were protestors out there with signs showing gruesome images and those snapped him back to reality. We decided to work on our marriage and I decided to forgive him, blaming it on him being drunk and away from home for a couple of months. It’s been a year now, and 3 weeks ago today I found out about his new affair. I noticed calls on his cell phone bill every day to a number that I didn’t recognize. When I did some research, it turned out to be a woman, who I immediately confronted via the phone, before even confronting my H. She told me they have been sleeping together for a year now. I am so completely devastated. He was sleeping were her throughout my whole pregnancy and after our second little boy was born. He even called her from the hospital with news of the birth. Additionally, he confessed to 4 additional affairs while on deployment. I have never been so devastated in my life.

Its been three weeks now and all I can think about is all the lies and deceptions. It’s exactly like a book I just read: But Inside I’m Screaming. I can’t get the images out of my mind of them having sex. I can’t stop hearing her awful voice tell me about the hotels and vans and her house. I can’t look at a photograph from any of the time I was pregnant or of any pics of my new son without thinking of her and him together. He even took our newborn to lunch with her. I can’t ride in our new car because she was in it. I can’t go to the art museum because they went there. I can’t look at a minivan without looking to see if it’s a certain ethnicity and maybe her. I can’t concentrate on anything but the affairs. I’m afraid I’m going to get fired from work because all I can do is think about it. I have panic attacks and body tremors at all times throughout the day. The feeling of the elephant on my chest will not go away. I am still, at times, suicidal.

When H and I are together, things are ok. He has begged my forgiveness and has not talked to or seen her in three weeks, nor does he have any desire to (she had her own agenda which included getting pregnant by him and she did things to deliberately make me feel worse, even knowing I was suicidal). He claims he loves me so much and it took nearly losing me to make him see the light. He’s cried and I’ve cried. I know he’s sincere because we’ve never opened up and communicated like we are now. The sex we are having is frequent and wonderful and fulfilling. He wants to make it work and wants me to forgive him and I want to do so.

But, as soon as we’re apart, I flip out. I have the panic attacks. I cry. I use every resource available to me (I do research for a living) to find out as much information about her as I can. I feel a huge compelling need to look at her face to see her, but my H thinks it would kill me. She’s beautiful, whereas, I am not. I’m 6 months postpartum and look it. I’m not ugly, but I’m not, as she so nicely pointed out to me on the phone, 5'2" and 125. I can’t compete and I absolutely hate myself. H says I’m not competing and he only wants me, but I feel like I’m competing in memories.

At times I don’t want to live, but I love my boys and my H. I just can’t deal with all the pain and the anxiety attacks that are non-stop, the horrible visceral feeling in the pit of my stomach and all the tears.

I want to forget it all, but I don’t know how. I resent him horribly, but love him so much. A conundrum if I ever saw one.

How do I forget all the bad memories and move on to make myself and my marriage strong? I want to be able to function normally and get on with life, but I can’t stop obsessing with this.

Please, how do I get it out of my mind and start healing? How do I stop the crushing anxiety and depression?

If this answer seems terse and un-empathetic, sorry, I'm in hurry. I am really sorry you find yourself here.

First off, get to a doctor for some anti-D medication.

Secondly, the memories and images fade with time, IF he is honest with you going forward, but it takes quite a while.

Thirdly, get on a good recovery plan. One of the reasons he had an affair after his previous confession is because you did not do this. Click on the link in my signature line for information on how to do this.

Fourthly - try not to blame yourself too much. Make sure you get "The State of Affairs" among those I recommend - I'd bet dollars to doughnuts that your H has had a "Double Life Man" affair - which is much more a comment on him than on teh quality of your relationship. That is not to say that you have nothing to do to improve your relationship - it just means that any deficiencies in your relationship were not the primary motivator for his affair.

Fifthly - when you read "Survivng an Affair" and do the exercises, you will beging to realize why her purported greater physical attractiveness is probably not all that important.

Good luck and God Bless.

halsey,

This is a heart breaking story chere....and unfortunately there are alot of elements in it that are familiar to me. A friend of mine and long time poster here sent me an email and asked me to check up on you because there are many elements in your story that are similar to mine.

So let me give you the good news first...okay? Because I think you could use some. My marriage has recovered and we are happy. I will admit that your situation is farther along or more involved....but the main ingredients are all there....and we survived. I see many reasons to be hopeful in your situation in spite of the seriousness of it.

Feeling a morbid obsession with details is normal. Inability to get rid of the images right now is normal. I agree with John that at least for a short time....a course of anti-depressants might me really helpful....they were for me in the early stage of recovery.

Tell me about what your recovery plan looks like. What are the two of you doing to rebuild your marriage and what safe guards are in effect to help your husband avoid his former lover, avoid other possible affairs, and be accountable?

I'm not on this board much....but you can contact me at starfish4729@hotmail.com

sending you a massive cyber hug...it's gonna be okay. (((((((((((halsey)))))))))))))))))

<small>[ June 16, 2004, 06:21 PM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

Hugs to you from California. Get anti-D's right away. I used to suffer from panic attacks, and they are terrible. But anti-D's end them.

Obviously you are better than the OW. Your H is with you. Time to settle down and work on the MB program. You CAN have a much better marriage than before.

I was just passing through again and felt the need to post to you.

I can understand how at times the pain of the aftermath of adultery can be unbearable. I found myself too in a place where suicide seemed like a reasonable option.... Just to end the pain and the images flowing through my head. I would like you to talk to a professional about these feelings.If there is ever a need for selfcare, now is the time. It takes a strong person to share those feelings.

You have entered onto a very long journey. If your husband and yourself are willing to work on your marriage,forgiveness and self forgiveness... your marriage, and both of you will reap rewards that would seem unreachable to you right now.

I would encourage you also to find a competent cousellor.Your husband needs to deal with his intolerable behaviour and become an honest man...nothing will work till he is at least true to himself.You also need to know you cannot rush these things..grief and loss is at work here...give yourself time.

I notice you said you wish you could forget it all... I am afraid you can't, its time for the hard slog , there are no quick fixes, no bandaids and no words of wisdom that can make this all go away. Sometimes I wish we all had a magic wand and we could fix the hurts of the world, but we cant, no one can.

Forgiveness also takes time and forgivness is for you..it releases you..the time to forgive is not now...you will know when you find that time, you will feel it in your own heart.

There is no need for you to feel the need to compete...the other person is simply different to you.Certainly No better, with the added no-bonus of holding onto a very differnt bag of morals than you.

You have the upper hand here and you can hold your head high, you will feel more power in that ,than having the other person having power over you. I am not saying dont be angry, dont be hurt...its just in all honesty wasting all that time and enery on a third person that was never really the problem to begin with will extract energy from you that you will need to heal.

I must go , but I wish you well.
I hoped I have helped in some small way. Just know you are not alone... and again will say seek some help for both of you.

max

Thank you all so much for answering my post. I will try to address some of the questions and issues raised.

I went to a psychologist last night. He was the same man we saw after the last A last April. All the things I spilled to you came out to him. He said I'm suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and recommended I get with my PCM to get an anti-depressant. I will be seeing him weekly to help with all the anger and obsessions.

As far as our plan: well, we're in plan A. We've written down ways to improve our marriage and have been diligently working on them. Communication is much better than it was and he is trying to share his feelings with me. We're trying to figure out what went wrong. He wants to stay and has been listeninng and comforting when I needed it. Last night I had the most horrible dream about all of this and I woke up sobbing and he was instantly at my side comforting me. He feels horrible about all this and has apologized profusely for all the hurt he has caused me and our family. We're trying to spend more time with eachother and do some things that we both like to do, outside of the home. We weren't doing that together anymore, just being Mom and Dad and working and taking care of our home. I'm a little optomistic about our relationship, but very pensive and afraid that they will contact eachother, or that he will find another woman.

As far as him having no contact, well, he says that he is not. I broke his cell phone on D-day so it doesn't work correctly, so no joy there for him. I can check our phone records for calls to her cell or home and have seen no calls. He says he doesn't want anything to do with her. He doesn't want to lose me. Unfortunately, I can't be with him 24/7 and can't control what happens while he's at work. Addionally, he has a weird rotating schedule at work that gives him days off during the week while I'm at work and these are the times that he was with OW. I have to try and believe that he will not contact her anymore. It's hard though. I don't trust him at all.

I hope you are all correct about the images and obsessions going away. It's heartbreaking and disturbing. The physical pain is the worst thing though. I'm really having a tough time with that. Not being able to go to certain places in my own town because of panic attacks and anxiety and what not is making me feel like a prisoner in my own town. The whole east side of our town was their "turf" so to speak. The hotel is there, their restaurants, the park where they had their first date and had sex (where they both got misdemeanors, by the way). I can't stand to be anywhere near there. But, the doctor said that if I stay away from those places, and don't go in our car (because they were together in it and I just can't stomach being in it now) that she will always be the third person in our lives. I understand what he means, but that doesn't mean I can just start doing those things again. I can't do it yet. I don't want to be compared at all.

He (the doctor) also said what you said, that it wasn't about me or my looks. I don't really believe it yet, but I'm trying. I feel like a failure at everything and that life is just spiraling out of control. This whole thing has just trampled any spirit I had left and forget about any self esteem. I can't stand to look at myself.

H will not go to counseling. He says that he doesn't need it. Hmm...I guess he thinks that now that his second life is out, he has been cleansed. I think he needs it and will continue to work on it with him.

I'm so glad all of you wrote to me. I have no friends here because we haven't lived here very long (well, 2 years) because of the military background.

I'm sorry this was so long.

-Michelle

The anti-D's will take care of the panic attacks. I had them so bad I couldn't even go to the grocery store. You will get better soon. Hang in there.

hi! iwas just passing thru myself and felt the need to communicate to you. i understand how bad you feel, but i wouldnt blame the way you look, i've found that it has little to do with that. im 5'5 125 #'s blond, blue eyed, have guys trying to pick me up everyday, but my h is 280 #'s 6'0, has 1 eye and still cheated on me, and i seen the *****, she doesnt worry me in the looks department. why dont you also in addition to therepy think about joining a bally's or a womans workout world? you wouldnt believe how much better it makes you feel to do something positive for yourself,see "cant believe he did this to me" for whats been happening to me. suicide is not worth it, because even if you dont think so now(tried it in the past)things will eventually get better. good luck, let me know how things are going for you.

I'm really glad you have taken the positive step of seeking help.

It concerns me though your husband sees no need for counselling...not just for the need to resolve the issues that has helped him behave this way...but also if he is truely remorseful, he himself is in for one hell of a tough ride..often the WS's guilt can become overwhelming and they must battle just as many if not more demons then the BS themselves. Hard to grasp at this point I know, but very often the case.

Not trusting your husband now is very well the norm...but the more your husband lives his life to you as an open book, keeps no secrets and floods you with his lifes details...trust will slowly return.Its baby steps..I think a lot of people get themselves into trouble by blindly trusting their partner....blind trust belongs nowhere in a relationship...appropriate trust I prefer to call it now...I also trust myself, more than any time in the past.

AS for the yr long affair,my husbands was too...everything from photos to birthdays caused me a great deal of stress from that yr. I once went to a place where they met early on in our recovery..I remember being so stressed before arriving there but I just had to do it...it turned out when I got there..it was just a place where two cowards met...nothing more.A place hidden from everyone...noubt special about it at all.

Take care of you, whatever has helped you to relax in the past may very well help now. Take moments for yourself to treat yourself, whether thats something as small as a footsoak or something as grand as a full body massage.You deserve it.

Max.

The Plan A described here is NOT a Plan for Recovery. I know it is easy to get confused by terms at first, but this is important, because if you are REALLY in Plan A, you are not heading the right direction. In Plan A, you are trying to end an affair. You do things in Plan A that are not sustainable, which is why Plan A has a time limit. The Plan for recovery described in "Survivng an Affair" is a plan to transform your marriage into one where affairs by either party are very unlikely. It is a plan to learn how to meet each other's most important Emotional Needs, to avoid Lovebusters, and to use the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA) in all your decisions. Interestingly enough, in my experience, the POJA, which at first seemed impossible and preposterous, is the most important part of the plan.

You may be able to get him to go to counseling because YOU need help with your marriage.

Please read the links in my signature line link about counselors. I am very leary of the one you used before because your previous affair recovery obviously did not address the issues that needed to be addressed to avoid another one. What makes you think this time is different?

Thanks for replying all. It's so good to have people listen and help.

Yes, we are now in recovery. Let me tell you about our weekend.

Our family went on a camping trip. I needed to get away from all the stress and we needed to get in touch with eachother again. We had an absolutely wonderful time together and I believe we fell in love all over again. We have figured out what was missing from our marriage and corrected it. We talked and wept and just got to know eachother again. It was wonderful. We talked about things we want to do to help recovery along and to help learn to trust. I've never felt closer to him.

Unfortunately, all good things come to an end, and here I am back at work today. I had a panic attack this morning because of the stress and all the crap came back. It was at bay for most of the weekend while we were together, but I'm having a horrible time trying to work and concentrate. I've got my new meds, but don't expect to have any relief for a couple of weeks yet. I know that you are correct saying that they will go away eventually, but I sure wish it would hurry up!

You are correct about the counseling. My H really needs to go, and we need marriage counseling to boot. I'm going to try to talk to him about it again. The Psych that I'm seeing isn't that bad, its that we didn't follow through the last time we were there (H was already involved with new woman while we were going anyway). I thought things were better, but I was a fool obviously. I'm not stopping this time.

So, I've been looking at pics from our wonderful weekend, and that helps to bring my spirit back up. Still have anxiety, but looking at those pics brings back wonderful memories.

Things are looking up, its just slow and painful, but will be worth it, I know it.

-Michelle

The meds will work like magic. It took mine 22 days to work, and I woke up one day, and was fine. So just hang in there. Come here to post, and we will help you through this.

Also you may want to talk to your doctor to get some Xanax. It is very good for short term use, until the anti-D's kick in, but addictive over a long time.

Try some breathing and relaxation exercises, that can help you too.

Michelle,
My heart bleeds for you....I am shedding tears for you because I know too well what you are going through. I had what you described as panic attacks. I absolutely had to follow the undivided attention policy 2 hrs a night. I got my closeness fix with my husband. During the day when I was alone I would email him tons. Is there someone at work that you could tell you are having a really hard time right now and wondered if you could take a few personal days. (would not divulge info though). My H and I went alone for several weekends w/out kids to work completely on us. We had renewed love as you mentioned. Time does heal...I am almost 5 months past D day. There is a roller coaster of ups and down weeks. I read that you grow in the valleys. YOu can't always be on the top of the mountain. You learn from the valley's. I strongly believe in following Marriage Builders 100% and do not slack off (we did last week and had to do serious rebuilding). Finding God right before the discovery of the A was my saving Grace. If you want to talk via phone, feel free to call me on my cell 419-466-5749. I always check my messages. I certainly am not a old timer here, but I know how it can help to talk to someone who knows exactly what you are experiencing. (sorry for misspellings). Lots of persistance. Say no to others and insist on eliminating anything that keeps you from your family right now. Put "OW" in the hands of God and let him handle the thief in his own way. It may not feel good now, but 4 months from now when she realizes you aren't giving her the time of day you will have joy abundance. best wishes to you. Maria

Maria, thank you so much for your post. It's so good to have people to talk to.

I'm unable to take any personal days because I've scheduled several vacations for my family and I to get that closeness back. We're off to Chicago next month, camping again in August and Cananda in August. I'm looking to take an overnight trip to Canada alone with hubby in July also, if he can get away from work.

Last night was a wonderful night. I've finally started reading Surviving an Affiar also. But last night, after little league, H took us to dinner and was very attentive. We have a new rule that no matter what is going on around us, if either one of us needs a special moment, we invoke the "30 second rule". During this 30 seconds, we hug and kiss and basically make out to get a fix and feel happy again. So, last night after dinner, I needed that 30 second rule, which...um, led to a 1.5 hour make out session, if you get my meaning. H was the most attentive I have ever seen him and it was wonderful. Feeling much better at work today because he really filled me with happiness last night (parden the pun...heeeheee) and then again this morning, which just has me flying high! I've told him time and again that I need lots of attention to get through this and keep away the anxiety and I think he finally got it.

I'm feeling so positive about our marriage right now. I love him so much and he is trying in so many ways to show me that he loves me also. My H is not an emotional person, preferring to keep them hidden, but on rare occasions, like this morning, he'll tell me he loves me first, which just makes me feel wonderful, because its not forced out of him and just comes from his heart.

I know this has been such a tragedy, and I would never want to do this again, EVER, but I feel in my heart that there is some good coming out of this. We're learning to meet eachother's emotional needs and its working!

So, this morning, I have not yet had a panic attack and I'm not as anxious as yesterday. I'm feeling good and I'm feeling as if there is some hope for us. And, I'm feeling as if there's hope for me to heal.

It's so wonderful to talk with people who know what I'm going through. It's hard to talk to people who have no idea what its like, yet they're full of all kinds of unwanted (and usually wrong) advice.

Here's a question for everyone:

I made the mistake of telling my mom about it right after it happened. Instead of helping me to deal with it, she got so angry at him that she basically hates him for hurting "her little girl". Well, she's expected to come to our state next week and I'm afraid of the confrontation she may start. I want her to accept my H and not cause any waves at our home (she's staying with us). My mom is VERY opinionated and strong willed. I want harmony, but don't know how to get it without either (a) offending her and causing a fight between us; and (b) causing a fight between her and my H. How do I get them to come together and for her to accept him because I do?

-michelle

Oh, and Believer, I'm on Lexapro and Trazadone (to help me sleep at night) and so foar, the Trazadone is working wonderfully (I've not woken up with the dreams since I started taking them). The Lexapro has not started to work yet. I was on Paxil in 2001 and it made me gain a lot of weight (which I don't need right now) and also I was unable to have an orgasm while taking it. When I went off of it, I had horrible withdrawal symptoms. BUT, I loved Paxil because it made me feel like me again. I took it for about a year (Doctor adjusted meds to make me able to O again while taking it....sorry for too much detail ;-)

I'm hoping that Lexapro works like Paxil. Has anyone had any dealings with this med?

-michelle

I'm taking Paxil. But I have heard wonderful things about Lexapro. My doctor offered to change my prescription, but since I have done so well, I didn't do it.

Of course your mom is mad at him. And that is okay. It is a consequence of his actions. You need to tell her that you are planning to work on your marriage. Other than that, it is your husband's problem. So don't worry about it.

And by the way, holding things in and not taking care of you, makes panic attacks worse. So make a promise to yourself that you are going to take care of YOU.

Michelle,
I have finally learned to stand up to my parents and tell them what I need or expect. You and your H are a team now and you both need to support one another. You need to tell your mom that any outbursts or such is not allowed in your home and if she intends on disrupting your household she should not come. She could send you and your H backward spiralling. I had two friends who told me they were very angry with my H and I have asked one what her intentions are when she comes to visit me and if she can handle being w/my H. Tell your mom if she loves you to let you work out your marriage and just be there to love and support you. Tell her to let God handle the rest. I am so happy you are in the overflowing love bank mode. We have that too. But as soon as we stopped the 2 hrs ea nite, we back slide. Memorize MB. Maybe H would like to start looking at MB? Mine has. Maybe it will help? Hold on tight and vent when you need to!
Maria

Hi Maria and thank you for replying. I've talked to my mom a bit about it and asked her to refrain from any emotional outbursts to my husband and to respect my decision. She wants to sit down and have a "talk" with him. I know my mom and this will blow totally out of control with her and because I know my H so well, he'll get VERY angry and her then at me. I'll try what you said and talk to her again. I'll keep you updated.

As for the love bank, I totally know what you mean. My H is starting his night rotation so he's staying up later than me to change his internal clock, so to speak, so he didn't come to bed until 2 last night. Well, first, I don't yet trust him to be alone (thinking he'll call OW) and second, I didn't get any affection last night or this morning from him, so now I'm REALLY down today. At the first sign of no affection, even for this reason, I start thinking that everything is going back to the way it was. I'm trying to get him to understand that I need constant affection right now because I'm so hurt. I also made him read my questionare (sp?) on emotional needs and left him one to do today. Additionally, I printed out the thread for love bank deposits thats on the general questions post area for him to read and make note of. I hope he gets a better understanding of what I need. I'm trying so hard to fulfill his emotional needs and I need him to do so also. He has been trying, I'll give him that! I just need MORE right now!

So, today will be a LOW day, but I keep trying to remember all the little things he did after work yesterday to make me happy.

Sounds like he is trying. Usually the WS does not try at all this soon. So that is very hopeful.

And you are doing well to print out and use the EN's questionnaire.

So keep up the good work, and hope those anti-D's kick in soon.

so your mum wants to sit down down and talk to your husband, most mums do,its what mums want to do and I really can't blame them...but you and your husband are a team...try and sit with your mum together and put up a united front..that you are working on your marriage and her support is most welcome and thank her for understanding that.

My husband wrote my mum( and my family) an apology letter and we both gave it to her(them) together..even though she(they) was busting to throttle my husband she(they) gave us both the support we needed and 2 yrs down the track, continue to do so.

As for your ups and downs, expect them its a part of the recovery process.I have to admit recovering from adultery is the hardest task I had ever given myself ....but it is worth.

And dont worry too much as to not trusting your husband yet..it takes time, my husband still works on trust and continues to live his life as an open book. Blind trust belongs in no relationship...appropriate trust does...I will never trust my husband again as I did pre A. And we both live with that very comfortably.


I really wish you and your husband well,and if you can , see if you can continue to try and negotiate some counselling for your husband...it will take 2 to make this marriage work, you cant be expected to carry the load yourself...your in a very powerfull position now..use it wisley and he should agree.As odd as it seems to you right now, if your husband is truely remorseful, guilt will hit with force, he certainly may need some help to help him deal with that as well as getting to the primary issues of why he had commited adultery in the first instance.


regards Max

<small>[ June 24, 2004, 11:42 PM: Message edited by: madmax ]</small>