Hello everyone, my spouse just told me that she thinks (or actually knows) she is gay. We are approaching our 4th anniversary. She recently made (3-4 months) a new female friend (10 years younger than both of us) and from that point on I have been shut out emotionally from her. She claims that nothing inappropriate has happended between the two (and I believe her), but she is definately with her emotionally. She has been with the other for the last 3 weekends. The last weekend she ignored my pleas to stay home. She wants to leave me for her.

I obviously have not been able to provide an emotional need that this other person does.

I refuse to talk separation as I am committed to my wife and the marriage. I confronted the other person last night to communicate the pain and destruction that she is causing, but I am not sure it will change much.

I feel like I have lost my wife, as everyday that goes by she bcomes more distant to me. I was only able to give a kiss on her cheek this morning.

Good thing is she is still at home and we have a dialog. I have gotten her to agree to see a counselor with the stipulation that it is only to help me understand what the heck is going on.

I am trying to be as loving to her as possible to see how this shakes out, but when does a firm, tough love approach work, if at all? It feels like I am walking a thin line here.

I have read through some posts and it appears that some wifes come back after some time. Can anybody comment on this? Assuming I cannot get her to stay, how long do I wait?

Any advice would sure be appreciated.

Your wife is involved in an emotional affair. Gay or not is irrelevant. Women's sexuality is somewhat fluid. The path to recovery from an emotional affair or a physical affair is the same. Click on the link in my signature line and start to educate yourself.

Join the club! You are not alone in this. I am suffering with the same thing with my husband. The road back is the same. You need to plan A. Its a rough road but you can do it.

Thank you for validating my position that she is having an A. She does not think so, since it is only emotional, but I disagree. She is having an A, and sex has nothing to do with it. She has checked out of our relationship . Even though all this came to light just this Monday, it seems like eternity.

I am currently searching for a good counselor, and learning to attempt Plan A. I know she is planning a 07/04 weekend away with the OP, previously disguised as a gardening/landscape project at a vacation home with OP has. I also requested that she come home stay home this weekend, but she said that she will most likely spend the night with the OP as they are in a landscaping project and want to get an early start Sun. Spare me, the OP lives only 40 minutes away. I do not understand how firm I need to be at this point. I know no demands, but she is doing what she wants. For the last month or so, it seems my sole purpose is shelter. Last night, she did not get in until 2am, the night before was about the same. I feel like I am enabling her behavior. When does Plan B become appropriate? What is a reasonable amount of time b/c when I try to sleep I can't b/c my mind is racing, and then when she gets home I can't sleep because of anger. I know it has not even been a week since this came to light, but it is consuming my life. I know the recommended time is 3 months.

She is in an exciting dating stage, and i am sitting on the sidelines grieving. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Thanks for reading.

I assume I want to call her out on having an affair (stessing that whether or not it is physical is irrelevant) at this point? I assume so, but I have a feeling that this would lead to an argument. I am trying to tread lightly, and go slow and cautious.

Yep, you need to start in Plan A, and stay there for awhile. If it is driving you crazy, you might get some anti-depressants. They really help.

yes ...U do need to enlighten her that shes having an affair. My husband was totally unaware of the concept of the EA until I pointed it out to him. For him it wasnt an affair until it got physical. Between me and my husband this was not a love buster. he accpeted the concept , especially as he could see how it was diabling him emotionally where i was concerned.

How are you two doing? Did plan A work or is it working?

If it is working, is there anything you did that stands out?

cpa: click on the link in my signature line for some good Plan A links.

Emotionbal Affairs is a good link that explains what an emotional affair is. The book "Not Just Friends" by Glass, also deals with the issues extensively in a way that women seem to find understandable.

Plan A is the only way to go. In my case the OP ended teh affair with my husband, which was not the ideal. He asked my husband to come back to me as a parting favour. he now refuses contact with my husband. My husband blames the split up on me as I had contacted the OP and established my claim , so to speak.

At the moment my husband is still deep in the fog. he has some days which are better. I know that being the best I can be and avoiding LBing is the only way that I can possibly win him back. He is still living with me which is something I guess!

When I had an affair about 3 years ago my husbands reaction was to alternate between smothering me emotionally and LBing bigtime. In the end he was so unbearable that I was glad to leave (not for anotehr person). If he had had a Plan A and been patient and kind with me and not LBed then things might have been very different. Trust me...Plan A IS the way to go !

W left Fri with the OP and did not come back until Sun 11pm, ignoring my requests to stay home <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I am finding it difficult to stick w/ Plan A. After all I feel like a doormat. I am becoming less hopeful that we can see this through.

Is Plan A still appropriate? I am thinking that she is most vulnerable to the reality of being on her own now. I am so confused on how to act.

Any thoughts?

Thanks,

Hello,

I strongly suggest that you read the book Love must be tough by James Dobson. The old saying
no consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change applies here. It sounds like you are enabling her to continue with this affair because there are apparently no boundaries. Your previous statement that you would never consider separation or divorce I believe is a mistake.
The logical extension of this statement is that you are apparently willing to share your wife with another woman and accept all types of humiliation and disrespect to remain legally married to someone who does not care about your feelings and your marriage.

Since your wife knows that she can totally ignore all of your needs and do what she pleases without any consequences; then I do not see why should she change her behavior. Would you be willing to spend the rest of your life like this? It sounds like your wife does not respect you at all and feels free to act like a single woman involved with another woman. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Please read the book. I wish you luck.

I would try to get your wife to read up on emotional affairs. Regardless of whether she is gay or straight she is having an emotion affair. If she wants to figure out her sexuality she should not do it through an affair. There will be plenty of other women out there if she ends up being gay and ends your marriage. This is not about the OW, but your marriage and your wife. YOur wife needs to figure things out for herself, her being involved with the other woman will only confuse things for her. She needs to figure out if she is gay or if she is bi-sexual. If she is bi then she is attracted to both men and women and, if she wants to be with someone, will likely have to choose someone. She already choose you. It does not matter that she is attracted to other women. Heck, I am a man and I am attracted to other women, it does not mean that try to fall in love with them. If she is gay and has no sexual feelings toward men, then you have a different sort of problem. It is not uncommon for gay people to try to pretend to be straight and cure their gayness by marrying and having kids. They are confused about their sexuality and try to repress it. If she is truly gay, then your marriage may be at an end. However, that does not mean she should start figuring this out with an OW and by having an affair. She should do some soul searching and counseling, not betray you and have an affair.