Hi. My name is Christy O and I left my husband on April 23rd because we could not get along at all. He has a very bad drinking problem. I had warned him for months that if he didn't stop the drinking all of the time that I was going to leave. He never took me serious so one day I found the courage to do it. It was the hardest thing for me to do. I actually thought that I was going to have a "breakdown." I thought how in the hell am I going to make it on my own. I was in college full-time and worked on the weekends. But I thought that if I stayed he wasn't going to listen to me and see what the problem was. I thought that if I left him he would see the "light". I was very mad at him because of his drinking and we pretty much had separate lives. He would do his thing and I would do mine. We never done anything together just us without other people. We split the bills like we were roommates or something and I didn't think that that was right either, but that's how he wanted it so that's how it was. He would ask me to come over to talk, so I would and then he wouldn't talk to me or he just wanted sex. I would ask to see him on Sunday and he'd say you know Sunday is my busy day, meaning that he went shooting with his buddies. He'd ask me what do you want me to do and I'd say stop drinking and he'd say well that ain't gonna happen. So after awhile I just wouldn't go over there or ask him to come over to my house, which I didn't very much because it hurt to bad to be around him, I love him very much but I thought he would see what he had if I wasn't there. I was trying the "tough love" thing. We still talked on the phone, but that was pretty much it. Well then this past Monday June 28th my husband called me and asked if he could come over and talk, he was crying so I said sure. He come in the house and had a beer in his hand. He sat down and said, "I have a problem." I said well tell me what is wrong. He said well first of all this and pointed at his beer. I said I have been trying to tell you that for months and months but you'd never listen to me. Then he said,"well that's not all, I can't live with the guilt." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> And he wouldn't look at me. I said is it someone else? He said nothing. I said did you have sex with her? He said, "Just once." I thought I was going to loose my mind. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I just started crying uncontrollably. I really wanted to hurt him and her. I would calm down, then just start crying again. He tried to comfort me and I just couldn't stand for him to touch me. So I wouldn't let him near me. He kept saying he was sorry and that he knew that wasn't going to help right now. He finally told me that it was a woman he worked with. He still won't tell me her name and for some odd reason I have to know what she looks like. I'm 28 years old and I don't think that I am an ugly person but after that I just feel like I am the ugliest person in the world. I asked him why he did it and he said it wasn't like that I was just talking to her, and it just happened. I needed someone to talk to because "my wife left me". I said don't even try to pin this on me. I left for a reason and you know it. But now I think that it was my fault he did it because I left him. I didn't leave thinking that he would do something like this to me. I left hoping that he would open his eyes and see what he was doing to US I was afraid that he was going to loose his job because he works nights and he would be drinking a beer at 8 o'clock at night. Or that he would have a wreck and kill himself or someone else for that matter. I don't think that I can live thru this. I can't stand to look at him or myself. I feel like I am worthless, I don't want to leave the house, I don't want to talk to anyone. I haven't ate in 3 days and haven't sleep very long at all. He wants to work this out, but I don't know if I can. I don't know how to even begin to work this out. He won't answer my questions he says he will, "when I calm down." I can't calm down I am extremely hurt, mad, betrayed, disguisted, and I want to see what he seen in her that he didn't in me. He doesn't understand that. When I lived with him, I would have to pretty much beg for sex, he always said I'm too tired. Well I'm sorry to keep rattling on and on. I hope that someone will help me to understand what I need to do. I want to make my marriage work, but I'm afraid it's too late.

Welcome to the forum Christy. What does forgiveness look like to you? What conditions for reconciliation have you considered? Let's start there. okay? hugs

Thank you Star*Fish for replying to my message. I have gave him conditions for reconcillation. They are that he must find a new job, because I can't stand that he sees her every night. And second of all he must get rid of the vechile that he "done" it in. I can't stand to look at that either. He said that he would send out some resumes and he would trade the vechile off on his next day off. So it seems that he is willing to try. But I don't even think that that will be good enough for me. As for your question what does forgiveness look like to me. I have no idea right now. Right now all I have is rage, and hate in me. I don't know if I even want to forgive him. Because he's not shown me that I am the "one" that he wants to be with. You know. He says he'll spend the rest of his life showing me how sorry he is. But I don't think that is true I think that it will last for a little while and then back to the same ol' same ol'. Please help me to learn how to forgive him. This is a shocker to me and therefore I have no ideal what to do or say. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Thanks.

Hello christy,

I am sorry to hear of your marital situation.
You seem to be in the shock phase right now.
You cant believe this has happened.
Your self confidence is shattered.
you have been hurt by the person you love so much.
I have had all of the emotions you are feeling.
While I am not a woman, I still know the terrible feeling of betrayal.
First off I would like to tell you this is not at all your fault. You made a decision to prove your sincerity to your H. He made a decision to exploit it. Not in any way are you accountable.
Your husband has confessed his affair,,,, this is a good sign that he truly regrets it ever happened. It is probably eating him up.
You say you want your marriage to be saved. It is one of the hardest and most painful experiences to have to go through.
Dont think that it cannot be done,, it can and it has.
I feel pretty sure that your husbands alchohol problem played a part in his infidelity. This does not excuse him in any way. My wife was approached by another man while she was intoxicated, she tried to blame it on booze.
You will get the same I imagine, your husband has allready tried to shift his actions on to you. Once again I cannot say this enough IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
I am very concerned about you,, depression has allready taken a firm hold of you. You have taken one step to try to cope by coming to Marriage builders, but there are other steps you must take as well.
In your current state you are simply not capable of making any rational decision regarding your marriage or your husbands infidelity.
I made terrible decisions myself, I seperated from my wife,, ended up having a One night stand with a complete stranger, hit the bottle, lost 25 lbs from no sleep and no appetite.
It took me 2 and 1/2 months just to begin to think clearly.
You cannot sort this out on your own,, there are ver good people here who can help you to cope with this trauma.
Please as soon as possiblt go see your doctor for Anti depressant medication. It will help you maintain a certain level of sanity. If you are not sleeping (which I bet your not) he may also perscribe a mild sleeping pill like ambien.
One thing I learned is you cannot try to rationalize your situation right now. All you know is hurt, sorrow, and self doubt.
You have to take care of you before you begin the rebuilding process in your marriage.
It is going to be very hard on you and your husband to do but there is hope. I never thought I could get to where I am at right now,, while I still hurt and get down over my wifes affair we are both doing everything we can to rebuild our marriage.
There is hope,, all is not lost I know you cannot see this right now but there are many people who have been through your situation and if you stick with this board you will see THEY HAVE DONE IT!
Concentrate on yourself right now not what has happened. You have been torn apart by your husband. One of the most amazing things about human beings is the ability to heal and work through the hardest times of thier lives. It takes alot of time,, alot of pain and alot of understanding to do it but the after affects can be so rewarding in your marriage. What doesnt kill us only makes us stronger! You can be strong so can your marriage. Talk to some recovering wives here they can help you to first cope, begin to heal and then look toward the future.

All of my sympathies.

Thank you Eric for your response. I am taking Xanax for depression. You said that you moved out of the house. How or when did you 2 decide to move back in together? I feel that if I don't go back soon that maybe he will do it again. But I can't go back and don't want to go back right now. Not until he gets a new job and gets rid of that vehicle. Is that unfair of me to demand that he does these things? He and his mother seem to think that it is unfair of me to tell him to get rid of the vehicle. I don't think that it is unfair at all, I don't want to see it. And I don't want him seeing her every night either. I want to talk to her, but my H tells me that he doesn't want me too because he doesn't want anymore problems. I have to see her just for the simple fact that I have to see what she looks like. I also want to tell her H (oh yeah she's married too with kids)I want her too feel some guilt about this too. Why should I be the only one suffering? I didn't do it. I think that she needs to feel a little bit of my pain too. He's afraid that I might hit her, and I might I don't know it's a very good possibility that I would. But I don't think that he has the right to sit there and protect her by telling me I can't do anything about it. He says he's not protecting her he's protecting me. Because he doesn't want me to do something that I might regret. Well I don't know about the regret part, but I still want to be able to do something about it. I feel helpless and I think that doing that would make me feel better.

Christy,

Once again you sound just like I did,, it is natural for you to feel this way. I almost lost my job by using work resources to get info on the other man,,, big mistake. What good is going to come from physically confronting the OW,,,Rage, Anger, and probably some violence. I truly pray that I never meet the OM I dont want to see him it will do nothing for me and my wife but hurt our marriage even further.
Your husbands OW is only that,,,,The other woman,, she cannot be a part of your lives at all.
If she is married then I would try to find a way to tell her husband,,,, not for revenge sake,, not to tear him up,, which it will do! Simply do it because it will no longer be you trying to end the affair but her husband will help to ensure this woman never enters your life again.
Please,,, please trust me ANGER is the main destroyer of your marriage. two thirds of my stupid decisions were made while I was angry. I regret all of them.
As far as you moving out,,,, I can tell you it did nothing to repair my marriage it only isolated me from the woman I love. I regret ever doing it,,, it was one of the ways I put myself in the position to have my revenge affair.
After several members on this board repeatedly telling me I needed to move back I finally sucked up my hate and made a commitment to move back.
It has not been all pleasant since I moved back and you can bet it will not be for you either.
There is so much work, pain, love, and understanding you have to go through.
I will never isolate myself from my wife again!
Unless your husband has become combative I strongly reccommend you move back,, face this issue head on it has to be done. It will not be easy.
You also asked about your stipulations,, drawing lines so to speak. I drew lines I told my wife what I wanted her to do in order for me to forgive her. ANOTHER BIG MISTAKE.
My wife had sex several times with other man in her vehicle. It is a reminder of her affair but is it really necessary to place another log on the fire. Another decision,, we have to work on us,, with every moment we have not destroying objects that were involved in the affair. If he had sex with her at a bar would you burn it down?
Material,,,, Material,,,,, Material.
Focus on each other even though I will admit you will think about the place of the affair. The truth is it did not contribute to the affair. Focus on the marital issues that did contribute to the affair,,,IE: his drinking, dont make demands,, try with everything you can to be calm, realistic, and willing to work it out. You will only love bust your H by making demands. That is what plan A is all about. If you later find that your husband has not and will not end his affair look into plan B. That is where the stipulations come into play.
Keep faith. Stay strong. Reply back. You can get through this.

Hi Eric, I am doing better tonight. I downloaded and printed off the Emotional Needs questionare and took it too my husband this afternoon. We did the last page first. We had about the same answers so I guess that is a start. I know he loves me and I love him too. I will be talking to him and then out of the blue I hear myself being a smart eleck. You know asking if she has called or talked to him at work. He replys by sighing and saying No Christy I said I haven't talked to her since the last time you know of. I want him to take all of the pain away. I feel that he isn't as sincere as he is letting on. I think that he should be doing more than he is. He still hasn't sent off any resumes and its been 4 days. I would think that he would have done that first thing if he really cared and was really wanting to work this out. He says give it some time, it will get better. I do ok and then out of the blue I have a "flash back" of what has happened, and I start crying again. He wipes away my tears and holds me and says it will be alright. But he's not making it alright. I want him to find a new job ASAP. But I'm afraid that if I say something to him about not sending them out yet, that he will get all defensive and that will undo everything that we've accomplished so far. Which isn't much by the way, but it's a start. Thanks for talking to me Eric I really appreciate it alot. Christy

Christy...

Try to understand your H cannot rationalize or in any way come to terms with what he has done. He knows he hurt you,, is it what he wanted to do? I dont think so. The sighing answers you are receiving from him is also common.
You will ask him several times if he has called OW. I still keep good tabs on my W. You feel very insecure,, its okay that you have asked him questions. But it does take time. Everything cannot be corrected in one day, one week.
You are doing great. Your taking steps. You both have to cope with the affair. Thats why I say trying to take care of demands is almost impossible at this point. Work on each other right now. Keep up your efforts.
I have strong hope for you and your husband.

Hi Eric, It has been a very bad weekend. I asked him Saturday if he was going to tell me her name since he had told me that Sat. we would work all of this out and he told me that he would set something up with her. Because it would not be fair of me to call her out of the blue. Needless to say that went all thru me seeing how he told me out of the blue. I felt like he cared more about her than me. He then preceeded to tell me that this was all my fault that if i hadn't left him that he wouldn't have done it. So you can imagine how I was feeling at that point in time. So I went to my mom's house and shot some fireworks with the kids (sisters, brother, niece and nephews). I told each one of them separtely that I loved them very much and always would. Then I came home and tried to kill myself. I OD'd on Xanax's I took about 20 of them. I don't remember anything after that until Sunday afternoon when the Dr. came in and was talking to me about why I had done what I done. I told her then she said well did you know that your 6 weeks PREGNANT? I immediately started crying thinking that I may have just hurt my baby. Thank GOD that I didn't. They said that the baby was fine. I swear that I had no ideal that I was preg. or I would not have done that. Anyway now I have something else to occupy my time with and not this other BS. I have had 2 miscarriages before and lost them at 4 weeks so this one is already doing better. I know this baby will be ok. I nicknamed it Hercules because he has already been thru so much. But everything will be just fine. I am a hell of alot better now. I am only worried about my baby. Thanks for talking to me Eric I really appreciate it.

Christy,
Hi, I know what you are going through. My H was unfaithful to me last fall. He was on a business trip. He said it just happened. How does it just happen? To make a long story short it was someone from work and it went on in his or hers hotel room, in his car, and probably other places, too. We got a new car, but I am dealing with him going off to work every day and she is there! He says it is over I am trying to believe him. It is so hard! I knew it was going on from the moment it happened he was acting so different. He even did his own laundry after his trip. He told me to only call him on his cell phone. He was working late all of the time. I finally confronted him after new years day. I knew something was up when he tried to make love to me. He hasen't touched me in months. I read his emails he denied everything!!I finally had to read his own words to him. Then he said he only kissed her and held her. The next day he came clean! Yes, he made love to her. He said it did not mean anything ( the affair) but in his emails he talked harsh about me and he told her he loved her!Oh did I say I think why he came back to me is that things did not work out between them. So I feel like second best. Now I am dealing with him going off on a fishing trip. I am trying to believe him, but it is difficult. How can he go when he knows that it is tearing me up inside? He should put my feelings first. I know this is wrong, but he needs to give me time. I can't sleep, and when I do I see him making love to someone else. I am sick to my stomach. I know I am not a very good mother to my children being so tired. These thoughts go on all day long. I almost lost my job this spring because of this!! Our marriage is pretty good. We are trying. He makes love to me, I try to believe that I am the only woman he truly loves. He makes me feel great, but I can't get what happened out of my mind. I guess I need help,too.

Christy,,,
Sorry I have not replied to you it has been hectic for me over the weekend,,, job kept me at work from Dawn till Dusk. The whole weekend, and Monday.
You have definately had a very hard weekend as well. Suicide attempt,,,,Oh please dont take that route. I would be lying if I told you that I didnt think about it,,, I did but to deprive my children of a father kept me at bay. We all know that affairs can and have ended peoples lives leaving loved ones behind to deal with the pain.
I am very happy to hear about your pregnancy. I truly think it can help bring your husband out of the fog. How is his drinking? Has he made any effort to deal with it. I hope so.... Your children need a father, a father who loves thier mother. Children who grow up seeing love and happiness between thier parents almost allways carry the same love and instill it upon thier spouse.
Dont focus all of your attention just on your unborn child,,,, I mean give it alot,, it will surely help you think of something other than your hubbys betrayal, which is great. All I am saying is dont let it give you an exit. IE: You may say "All I care about is this baby" to Hubby. That may send him running. This pregnancy is a great blessing for both of you,,, not something to help you cope. I agree it can,, and probably will help you,, but what is best for your family should be your focus.
Also what about all the female emotions women experience during pregnancy. You were allready hindered before this pregnancy, what about when the motherly hormones kick in? It could be extremely harder for you to deal with marital issues.
Please,, these are just my thoughts and concerns. Take care of yourself, keep me posted. I have great hope for you, your children, and your Wayward Hubby.