Well, I found out my H is having an affair with old high school classmate. He says he has always been in love with her. She is married and I dont think her H knows. I just wonder if she is just using my H right now since shes not telling her H. My H feels really bad about it and keeps telling me hes sorry. He says he just isnt in love with me, but he cares about me a lot and wants me to be happy. I think that right now he is in a "fog" thinking something will come out go this affair. She lives 600 miles away and is still married and he is still living with me and has not yet asked for a divorce (might be because neither one of us could afford one right now.) I really do love him so much and want him to find out this is not really what he wants so that that question will not always be in the back of his mind. In the meantime, where does that leave me and how do I handle this??

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Start in Plan A. You can read all about it on the link in my signature line.

Also it is necessary to let the OW's husband know what is going on. Sometimes when light is shed on the affair, it ends it. And yes, your husband will be angry.

Sorry you found yourself here, but there is no better place to be, to learn how to save your marriage after an affair has been discovered.

Visit the home page of this site, and read all about the Marriage Builders philosophy, especially the parts about Plan A, and the part about exposure.

Plan A will be a roadmap on how to begin reconnecting with your wayward spouse, and exposure, coupled with Plan A will help to bring an end to the affair.

There are many kind, knowledgeable people here on these forums. They speak to you with compassion, having lived through the same things you will be dealing with. Your marriage can be saved. It will not be easy. But this site is critical in achieving that goal.

Purchase a copy of Surviving an Affair, and read it BEFORE you do anything else. There are ways TO DO this right, and many mistakes you can avoid, by reading the book, and asking people here.

Best wishes

SD

Geez, my password wasnt working and it was pi**ing me off. I couldnt post.

Well, my H went to Vegas to see OW this weekend. I wonder how he felt about her going home to her H everynight and during the day.
When he got home I asked him if she was going to tell her H about them. He said, no because he will not be nice about it. Duh, ya think?? My taking is that she isnt really in this affair like my H thinks he is. I think she is just playing with my H. Honestly, if she was serious about this, I would think she would tell her H regardless of what he does. Is she no longer cares for him, then so what. So, I am going to just let this stupid affair run its course and watch it die out....I love my H so much and feel that this IS something he needs to discover, that she is cheating *****, and then he can get this fanatasy "im love her" out of his head.

But I am wondering, should I somehow let her H know about this?? Or would that make me the bad person. I just feel in time, he will find out. I would also like to write a letter to this OW asking her what her true intentions are and if she realizes just what she is doing and how many people she will end up hurting...especially my H. Who knows, maybe shock the *****!! But with my H approval of course. I want to be the calm, loving, respecting wife...the one he will eventually want to come home to because I stood by him through this whole thing... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

newhopes

Please re-read Believer's post, and mine. It is not fair to you to just "sit back" and wait this out.

Get the book and read it for your own good. When you read about Plan A, it will cover the exposure side of what you need to do.

Yes, it IS necessary for you to expose the affair to the OW's husband. Affairs thrive in secrecy. When they are exposed to the "light of day", they typically cannot stand up under the pressure.

The exposure should come from you as an "act of love" for your husband, and the strongest tool you have right now play a part in ending the affair.

Best wishes

SD

Today I told my H that I think the OW H needs to know. I said she should tell him or I will. He said its complicated and I asked why. He said he will not be nice about it and he will take everything from her. Well, I guess this is the choice she made, right? Anyways, I said I just felt it wasnt fair that I was the only one who knew and had to deal with it. It is making things way too easy on them. So, I am trying to find out a way to let her H know without them knowing it was me. A friend said she could email him and say she saw them together, or I was thinking of signing her up for a personal ad and then use his email so that it comes back to him and then he can start questioning her about it and maybe it will come out. I really dont want to have to tell him...I want my husband to respect me, as I am really being too nice about this....but hopefully someday he will see that as a wonderful thing.
I also asked him if he loved me..I said I knew he wasnt "in love" with me, but did he love me. He said it depends on what love means....(what the hell!!)..and said he does love me as a friend and cares a lot about me and wants me to be happy. I said if he cares so much and thinks I am a wonderful person, then why didnt he want to be with me. He said it wasn't me, it was him and his feelings about OW. This is so hard....
I asked him to have supper with me tonight and he did, but as soon as he was done, he went to his bedroom to watch tv....I felt so sad....
I am trying so hard to plan a....just sometimes I lose the patience.. any advice?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

First of all, it should come from YOU to the OW's husband that your WH is seeing his wife. You have the facts, and he deserves to know. Not only that, it will empower you immensely. It is your most very powerful weapon to begin the end of the affair.

I have not seen that you have purchased or read Surviving an Affair. It is really critical that you do so. Plan A is really, really hard to do. But it works when it's done properly.

Read ark^^ recent post about Plan A here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=029805

When in Plan A you simply cannot participate in Lovebusters. It will drive him away from you each and every time. Simply stop.

Best wishes

SD

There are three links about Plan A in my signature line link that you should read. Note that they suggest you tell the OW's husband. This is the most important thing you can do to end this affair, because affairs die when exposed.

- and yes, by saying nothing, you are enabling the affair.

I have ready Surviving an Affair and Love Must Be Tough. I have also decided to tell the OW husband. I know that she is visiting family for the next 10 days, so perfect opportunity to call her H and tell him. But I hope he will not tell her where he found out. I might ask him to do that. Maybe I wont exactly tell him, just let him find out on his own. Just give him some hints and tell him to check her cell phone bill and her email!!! But its something Ineed to do!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

<small>[ December 03, 2004, 01:51 PM: Message edited by: lovemyhubby ]</small>

I am not so sure this affair will end right away. I think it may linger...they both seem to really want it right now. But then again, she might think this is not what she wants, especially when her H decides to take everything away from her. It is really scary doing this, but I am tired of being the only other person besides them to have to deal with this. Hopefully from this, it will all come out and I think will start to break down some walls my H thinks might never come down.

Now you're talkin'! Do not be afraid. He is, after all, your husband. You have the right to inform the OW's husband, and he deserves to know. In most cases, they knew something was hinky anyway. He deserves to know, so he can make decisions about his own life, based on facts, just like you do.

You didn't ask for this situation, but, unfortunately, if you want the situation to change, and hopefully to improve, informing him will put a great deal more scrutiny, and Pressure on the A.

You will be amazed at how empowering this will be for you. It gives you more control of a situation just a while back you knew nothing of.

Although your WH will probably be pissed at first, this is not a death blow to your chances at recovery. In some instances the WS is relieved that the secrecy and hiding and deceit is over.

Just do the exposure in a loving manner. You present the facts, and simply state you love your H and want to do what you can to end the A, and begin repairing your marriage. Most people appreciate the information.

Be strong and do this. You will get tons of support here. If H comes to you angry, remember, at all costs, turn lemons into lemonade. An equally important part of Plan A is NO lovebusters. If he gets in your face, stay calm and just tell him you acted out of love for him. If it get heated, tell him you won't be a part of any anger and excuse yourself, saying you'll be happy to discuss it later, when emotions are in check.

You may want to consider seeing a Pro marriage counselor right away, or contacting the Harley's, to help you through this.

Be strong, you CAN do this!

SD

Ok, I go back and forth about telling OW husband. It just really scares me. I am so unsure about things. I found some more text messages from OW to my H about how she is so scared and jsut doesnt know what to do and with the feeling for her H, but that behind all of that she loves my H and is so scared. He says he loves her too and will wait as long as it takes so that they can be together....how dumb is he? Cant he see she is just playing him? Its so frustrating to hear him be so gullible...he is so not the person I married. I dont know who he is when he talks like that. Is he going to wait forever for her? Anyways, like I said I am still up in the air about this. What if I tell her H and he kicks her out and then my H goes and resuces her? But if she doesnt tell him and keeps playing my H and he eventually realizes what she is doing? There are so many ways this can play out. Maybe I will just keep snooping and see where things go for a while. I am just not sure...The only thing I AM SURE of is that I love my H and really want our marriage to work....please help me! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

The only thing I AM SURE of is that I love my H and really want our marriage to work....please help me!

The help you have been asking for is in the previous responses to you. At some point you have to "buy" into some form of action.

Surviving an Affair is a book, coupled with this MarriageBuilders program, that has saved a lot of marriages. It's a twenty dollar investment in the rest of your life.

By standing by, and wondering what's going to happen next, and doing nothing, you are enabling the affair. By knowing and doing nothing, you are 'condoning' the affair. Sitting on your hands and doing nothing is getting you nowhere.

Read, read, read, learn, learn, learn, buy the book, and for God's sake, and for the sake of you and the marriage you'd like to save, TAKE ACTION!

Please understand this information is right out of the book, and it will help you.

I'm going to post this thread over in General Questions II, so you may get some other opinions.

I wish you well

SD

Newhopes,
Tell the husband! I know you have heard that before but let me give you an example from my life.

My ws had an affair for 4 years, during that time they always promised each other if one of their spouses found out they would protect each other. I wasn't part of their relationshop so I didn't worry too much about their promises to each other. I was on the phone to her husband within an hour, told him everything I knew and that I wanted him to keep his wife away from me and my family. All her love for my husband went right out the door, she has only tried to contact him once by text message, my ws told me about it right away, I called her and told her if she didn't want me to tell her husband she wouldn't EVER contact me, my husband, my family again!

TELL HER HUSBAND!!!!!!! He is your very best partner in this fight, don't throw down a great weapon because your nervous.

<small>[ July 10, 2004, 11:55 PM: Message edited by: Jenna1 ]</small>

new - have you exposed yet?

If not, you're wasting time.

Shine a light on that cockroach and watch it scurry.

You can be in control here, just choose to be.

<small>[ July 11, 2004, 03:29 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

newhopes

You've heard from some of the most seasoned, not to mention respected posters on this board. Please muster the courage to help yourself in this battle.

No one can do this for you. You have to believe in yourself, and take action. Will he (they) be pissed? Sure they will. They are the parade, you are the rain. But is the most critical thing you can do at this point.

If you are "happy" with the status quo, and we all know you are not, then continue on the path of inaction. And nothing will happen. Are you satisfied with the affair continuing, knowing you could (have) ended it several days, even weeks ago? You cannot begin to recover and heal a marriage until the A is over.

Please take part in making a difference, by exposing the A to the OW's H. You can do this.

Wishing the best for you,

SD

newhopes

How are you doing? Please give an update on your situation.

Wishing you well

SD

^^bump^^