Well, I thought that if I wasnt going to tell OW H, then I wasn't welcome here. In my situation, I just dont feel it is the right time. The other night we got into an arguement because I said something about her telling her H or me telling her H. He said what they decide to do in their life is their decision, and what we decide is ours. Boy, I almost wanted to say, where do I and the OW H have any say in this whole thing or get to make any of the decisions, but of course I didnt. Then I did say, well, its just not fair that I am the only person who knows about this whole thing and has to deal with it. He then came back with, so you think it will make you feel better when other people know? Anyways, he was so defensive. I am not sure if its because he doenst understand why OW doenst tell her H if she is in love with him or afraid that if he doesn find out, she might just decide to stay with him. But I also see the other outcomes...ones I dont want to deal with right now. I know this R will fizzle out..its not even a R right now. The just talk on the phone and say "i love you" and that is about all. He will come to his senses some day, but I am not going to be the one who has anything to do with his decision. It needs to be his decision or else our marriage will never work because he will always wonder "what if". It I am wrong to want to do it this way, then I am wrong, but it is what I feel at the time is the right decision for me.

newhopes

I am sorry if you felt you were not welcome here. Nothing could be further from the truth. When people find their lives impacted by an affair, there is no better place to be than here, at the MB website, and forums.

Now let me comment on your last post. You wrote: He said what they decide to do in their life is their decision, and what we decide is ours. Boy, I almost wanted to say, where do I and the OW H have any say in this whole thing or get to make any of the decisions, but of course I didnt.

Now let me ask you this. You know about the A, and are choosing not to do anything but wait it out, and see how it plays out. Ok, that's fine for you, but WHAT about the OW's H? If he doesn't know, what control does he have of his life? He's skipping merrily away, thinking all is well, while his WW is having an affair behind his back. Don't you think he deserves to know, so he can make decisions about his OWN life? Maybe he would not be willing to be complacent, and let it play out. Maybe he'd think HE should take some action to try to bring the A to an end, and try to save and rebuild his marriage?

I know this R will fizzle out..its not even a R right now. The just talk on the phone and say "i love you" and that is about all.

It IS an R right now, although possible just an EA (emotional affair). Are you willing to see how it "plays out" if it DOES become a PA (physical affair)?

(I stole the following from another post, and I forgot who's it was.... sorry)

In all of my readings the best definition of an EA comes from Shirley Glass in "Not Just Friends".

"An EA contains three components: secrecy, intimacy & Sexual chemistry.

Secrecy: Fairly obvious. Your spouse starts spending more an more time with someone. Usually lies of ommission are made to cover

Intimacy: I'm using the word in the broad sense. Your spouse is sharing his thoughts, dreams, likes, dislikes etc with the OP

It is especially bad if they are discussing the state of the marriage. That is IMHO an open invitation bc you're in effect probing to see how happy the OP is in their M.

Sexual Chemistry: This doesn't mean any sort of physical contact. it does mean that when you're in this person's presence the brain chemicals statrt percolating. The brain cocktail makes you feel good. Special etc."

Really dangerous if one party tells the OP that this is going on.

Does your spouse meet these prerequisites? (end of "stolen post")

In the case of the OW, an EA is definately, in most cases, a prerequisite to a PA. And the longer the A continues, the longer it will take to heal and recover when it is over. You need to read the parts of SAA again that describe the A as an addition. And how very powerful those feeling are.

Please, newhopes, stay here and continue posting. You are welcome. The people here are so giving, and caring and helpful. But I will caution you, they are much more willing to help people who are willing to help themselves, and you are choosing NOT to do that. I do hope you will reconsider the whole exposure issue.

Otherwise, you need to become ultimately familiar with Plan A, and do everything in your power to do it well.

Best wishes

SD

<small>[ July 21, 2004, 03:27 PM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

Newhopes,
You said telling the OW's H wasn't right in your case. Why do you feel that way?

I was the same way as you several years ago. I was afraid that if I told OM's W that this awful thing would happen or that awful thing would happen. I just didn't trust the old time MBers.

I was completely wrong. Telling the OM's W was absolutely the best thing I ever did. He has never once tried to contact my W since I made the call.

Mac

Newhopes, You have gotten lots of good advice here. It is hard to take it sometime, just like medicine it is distasteful. But you usually are better off taking the medicine, or in your husbands case giving it to him.

Of course your husband doesn't want you to tell her H. He doesn't want anything that will interfer with his A with her. He doesn't want an irate husband after him. He doesn't want his boss at work to know or the neighbors to know that he is a cheating husband. Don't make it comfortable for him. It is hard to do.

I hate coming to the JFO boards. It just reminds me of the feelings I had the first day I found out and found this site. Ugggghhhh.

Newhopes. Good luck, and prayers.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by newhopes:
<strong> Well, I thought that if I wasnt going to tell OW H, then I wasn't welcome here.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, you're very much welcome here - but if you won't expose the affair, we can't do anything more for you.

Do you understand that?

In an earlier post you said: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But I am wondering, should I somehow let her H know about this?? Or would that make me the bad person. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dern tootin' it'll make you the "bad" person. And do you know why? Because it will upset the fantasy and make them face the consequences and reality of what they're doing! </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Boy, I almost wanted to say, where do I and the OW H have any say in this whole thing or get to make any of the decisions, but of course I didnt. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ding, Ding, Ding!!! Lightbulb ON! Fireworks bursting in air!!!

Here's your chance to have a "say"!!!

Say all you want to OW's husband!!!! That'll be the best say you can possibly have!!! Make the decision to blow the lid on this fiasco!!!

Do it as soon as possible!

And DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES ever mention ever again to your husband telling OW's H anything.

WAT

<small>[ July 21, 2004, 04:07 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

From what I gather is the best plan
the thing to do is tell the OW's H and don't let your own H see it coming.
You don't discuss it with him first, am I wrong savy MBers?!
You prepare for explosions of anger afterwards (you did something which the WH did not plan to happen and it strikes fear in them) but that will subside in time (just steer clear of responding to the outbursts of anger)

I'm only going to make a slightly different suggestion here...

Re-read your posts. Your answer is in there. You've said it yourself several times. You've even reasoned it out for yourself, and have said more than once what you know to be the "right thing to do", the "fair thing to do".

Listen to the others here, because they REALLY know what they're talking about. But listen to yourself as well. When you take a good look at it, you're already expressing the same opinions being offered to you here.

NH,

You are welcome here no matter what you decide. BBBbbbuuutttt.............

I have been around here for 2 years now. I cannot count how many (including myself) BSs that were afraid of shedding light on the affair, or afraid to go to Plan B, etc. They were afraid because what actually helps the affair to end, what actually helps the marriage, doesnt sound natural or right. If left to our own devices, the very things we would "naturally" do, actually will force the WS away from us and help end the marriage.

The Harleys' have been doing this a long time. All of the odds are on YOUR side, not theirs. If I told you that tomorrow you could bet $1000 and you had a 97% chance of winning a millian dollars, would you do it? If I told you that if you didnt take it right now, that tomorrow, your $1000 will only net you $500,000...would that help you decide today? Or if you waited a week, that your $1000 would only be worth $1000?

You see, over 97% of affairs end. The odds are in your favor. But BSs act like they are the ones with only 3% chance. If anyone should be worrying, it should be them.

The MB principles work. There are people that are living proof to this...a whole lot more than there are people where it didnt work out.

The question is not if you will follow these principles and dowhat you have to do...it is when are you going to do it? Because everyday you put it off, it is not your husband hurting and abusing you. It is YOU hurting and abusing yourself. You are doing so by letting the affair go on.

Exposure starts the end of the A (normally within 6 months after affair is exposed). Will your six months start tomorrow? Next week? When?

All BSs feel that the timing isnt right. It never does feel right. That is because we are dealing with people that are in the fog....reality is turned upside down.

So, no one is beating you up here. We have all been where you are at. And we hate for you to go down the road that some of us have. Go to the General Questions II board also. Read up. Read other threads and see how things turned out.

As they always do, BSs come back on after they finally told the OMW or OWH and said "I cant believe I didnt do this sooner. Yo uwere so right. I could have saved myself so much pain." Go look at one set of threads on the GQII board...those by Heroswife. She struggled for two months on shining the light of day on the affair. As soon as she did, the affair was over within hours.

And her husband and her are now in recovery.

There is no other way out NH. Question is, when you gonna get started getting out of this mess?

In His arms.

NH, Mortarman is right. By helping them keep their secret, you have become an accessory to the crime. You are aiding and abetting the affair. And the longer the affair goes on, the more entrenched it will become. Do you realize that? It will just get more serious as time goes on. Now, exposure would shine an ugly light on the affair and hasten its end.

It is your job, as a loving spouse, to do everything in your power to save your marriage. But you are not doing that at all. You are actually working against yourself by helping your H and girlfriend DESTROY your marriage. And you say its not your decision?

When your marriage fails, you will be partially to blame because you refused to lift a finger to save it. Ypu, instead chose to help your H and his girlfriend destroy it.

Here you go...an example right on this board...

John Doe

Newhope, I am responding because Shattered Dreams thought enough of you to ask others to try to help. We have all been here a long time trying to save our marriages. I assure you no rookies have made it this far. They are already on their way to divorce or having revenge affairs and then divorce. Your husband is not having an affair but rather a threesome; you, him and other woman. If you're happy with this arrangement fine but I think you would enjoy it more if it were a twosome of foursome. There is a saying "not to decide is to decide". You have for the time being decided it's ok for husband to continue this way until he "finds himself". The damage he continues to do is mindboggling. You may be perfectly comfortable with a threesome but I really wonder if OW's husband would agree. Wake Up. When this 911 is over you, husband, OW and OW's husband will be left picking up what's left of the pieces of your marriages. Don't just tell OW's husband but rather your H's parents, siblings and anyone else that might give a rats [censored] about your marriage. One more time: WAKE UP!!! We'll all still be here in another 6 months when you finally realize the toast is burning. I can tell you from experience this won't go away by ignoring it. You're enabling it. Is that the message you want to send????

WOE

new:

I didn't tell RM's W about the A when I found out about it 30 months ago.

I kept meaning 2, but never did. 4 months after I found out, she did. I still felt bad, because I knew but didn't tell her. But then I found out she knew about their first A several years ago and didn't tell me.

Because she didn't tell me, I couldn't help her prevent another A, because I didn't know there was one 2 prevent.

There are ways 2 inform the OWH without sounding heartless. But being FIRM nevertheless.

I think you should email him AND cc your H and the OW at the same time. Also, consider informing their employers and any friends that might be able 2 put pressure on the A.

If you don't expose the A, you run the very real risk of wearing yourself down waiting for the A 2 "die a na2ral death." It probably will even2allly, but it will take a helluva lot longer if you don't expose. And while the secret is allowed 2 survive, you will be worn down. Even2ually, you could find yourself worn out before the A is.

This is what's meant in SAA, when the Harleys warn you not 2 let your "lovebank" get 2 low before going 2 plan B. I never did plan B, and I will vouch that my LB$ is pretty close 2 empty. My W is in withdrawl from RM now, but I could be a lot more supportive of her than I am. As it is, when she lovebusts me, my inclination is 2 get away first, and be compassionate 2nd. Not a good set of priorities. You could find yourself longing for a DV, if it takes 2long 2 get 2 recovery.

Recovery can't start until your H and his OW are out of contact forever, and they won't agree 2 NC so long as they're "allowed" 2 keep their li'l secret.

best,
-ol' 2long

newhopes

How are you doing? What are you thinking? Why don't you tell us "the rest of the story"?

There are many knowedgeable, and very caring people here who would love to help you, if you will allow it.

Hoping to hear from you soon....

SD