My wife recently admitted after much probing from myself, that she was questioning our marriage and that she has been unhappy for some time. I only found this out because I am very aware of her moods / feelings / etc. To be honest I have been very unhappy for 18months myself, but have been trying to deal with it on my own as my wife unlike me does not like to confront the problems. I suspect that as a result, that I have also been suffering from depression as a result of my unhappiness.
Soon after my wife admitted that she wasn't happy in our marriage, I caught my wife with the husband of her good friend outside our home in the early hours of the morning. A car pulled up 50 yards from our driveway. I recognised the car, and to my horror the two occupants inside. By this stage my heart rate must have been around 200bpm. I waited for a few seconds until my wife leaned in and kissed him a little more passionately than I would expected as a good night kiss. At this stage I could not wait any longer (although I now wish I had) and so confronted them. They were both muttering that they bumped into each other at a club whilst out with work friends. I used all my will power / strength to stop me from beating the @rap out of this guy, just in case I was out of wrong and he had only given her a lift home. Unfortunately in the post analysis, I remembered that I had caught him trying to hit on my wife whilst she was drunk a few weeks ago, but she denied anything was going on. To cut a long story short, I since discovered she had been in contact with him since shortly after he initially hit on her. After much pressuring from me, she admitted that they have maintained contact via text messages ever since. She promised that she is not contacting him any longer, but I know that they still maintain contact. I love my wife dearly and until recently beleived that her one time error of judgement could have been forgiven. From reading much literature, I realised that we were making many of the common mistakes that many married couples make, and that there was a very real chance that we could address them. She now wants to move out of our home with her cousin for a few weeks to clear her head. I have explained that if she leaves, that there will be no chance of reconciling, and as painful as that is,I mean it. I beleive that her leaving would do nothing but allow her to try and spend time with the other person. My questions to you would be.
1. Should I tell the other persons wife what I know (they have an innocent 3-4yr old child to consider).
2. Am I right not to let my wife temporarily move out (although from reading your postings, I beleive that I have done the right thing).
3. How do I get her to admit the contact and to stop contacting him. She looks me right in the eye and lies about it when I question her about the relationship. The body language and some other knowledge that I have is contradicting her.
I am not sure what to do next as I have made it near impossible for them to meet physically.
I have convinced her to attend counselling, (but she insists on going on her own). She tells me that the counsellor has advised her that she should take a break from us, which for obvious reasons I don't agree with.

<small>[ July 14, 2004, 09:57 PM: Message edited by: RenaissanceMan ]</small>

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Fortunately you have found this place in time. Start in Plan A, read all about it in my signature line.

Your wife is like all of the rest of them, they go by a "cheaters manual". Moving out to get some "space" or "think", really means they want to move out to be able to continue the affair. As you read here, you will see it over and over again.

It is absolutely necessary to let the OM's wife know, and yes your wife will be mad. No one ever wants to do it, but the affair may die, when light is shed on it. Plus his wife deserves to know, so she can work on things on her end. So please notify her ASAP.

Try posting on general questions. You will get more traffic there. But I guarantee you that people will tell you the same thing.

It is very important to confront your wife lovingly and calmly. Do not yell, or talk to her disrespectfully. And stick with us, we'll help you through this.

Hi believer, thanks for the tips. I will also post / move this on the general questions site.

My wife informed me last night that she needed time out to clear her head, and intended moving in with her (female / older) cousin for a few weeks. My response got a little emotional towards the end as we had discussed this several times in the past. I have been very honest and consistent with her in this regard to this issue. If she moves out, I do not beleive that I will be capable of trying to patch things up. this is due to the lack of honesty thus far regarding the other guy. I had conceeded that if she wanted to, she could move in with her mum and dad for a few weeks to help her sort things out, but am unsure if this is also a real solution. She is now turning it around by saying that her counsellor has told her that we should spend time apart, and that I am again trying to be controlling of the situation. My response is that even though there were issues in our marriage, I was not the one who chose to deal with it by getting emotionally involved with another guy. My questions are;
1. Should I stick to my guns and not agree to moving out (although there is nothing that I can do to stop her)?
2. Should I agree to her moving in with her mother for a few weeks as a compromise as her parents know what has happened?
3. How do I stem the rising tide of anger / frustration that I am getting caught up in as a result of her reluctance to see the damage her actions are causing the marriage? I have read the love busters, but find that I am very easily angered since the incident?
4. I feel like I am the victim here, but she keeps making me feel like she is. How do I turn this around?
5. I know that I am not perfect. And as a result of having to sweep our problems under the carpet for so long and not get a solution to any of our past marital problems, my temper is getting notceably shorter?
I am not a bad guy, I pay all our bills, do majority of housework, cooking, cleaning and make sure that her when we are intimate her needs are met before mine. What more does she want?

Her wanting to move is a sign she wants to continue the affair. Have you notified the other man's wife?

Also check out Ark's post over on general questions. She is an expert on how you need to be behaving.