Hi. I'm new at this and I don't really know where to start, but I'll give a reduced version of what I'm going thru. Three years ago I ran into a girl that I've known since middle school. Her husband had cheated on her & left her and she was devastated. She started hanging around my house and sleeping with any guy that came around. I know that I am stupid, but I just felt sorry for her & felt like she had no self-esteem and I didn't push her away, even though I felt that she was an indecent human being for some of the things she did. I have been married for 9 1/2 years (we lived together for 1 1/2 years before that) and have 3 small children 9, 7, 3 with my husband. Needless to say, she started in on my husband a couple of years ago and even though I blame him for what happened, I know some other people that knew her and she had apparently been working on him that long. About 6 months ago they started up an affair. I knew it pretty much from the start and I kept asking him. He knew I had no proof, so he denied it to the bitter end. Even when I got his phone and read his text messages he was denying it. I did that on the Friday before Labor Day and the s--t hit the fan. I had helped her get a job, so she had to go find a new one and then he kept telling me he wanted to work things out, but he might be in love with her. I told him to stay away from her if he wanted me, but apparently he couldn't. I found his phone and they had been talking to each other again. I went off the deep end. Two weeks ago he moved out for a week and he's stayed torn up, miserable, crying all the time, and depressed through this whole episode. The Thursday before last, he moved back in my house. We had talked and decided that financially we had some things that had to be taken care of, so we decided to live together but separate. He started seeing her and I took a weekend this past weekend to a friend's house in Atlanta (a married couple I'm friends with). He couldn't handle it and I talked to him Saturday night & told him I can't live that way because I'm not ready to move on yet and I can't see him with someone else, especially not her. I told him we would have to have the no contact rule & go through my parents for a while with dealings about the kids. I told him I didn't want it that way & that at some point I hoped we could be friends but not right now. He went off the deep end saying that he wanted to work it out with me and he'd dump her. I told him no he should see her for what she is and the only way for him to do that is to spend as much time with her as possible. He broke up with her Sunday night, with no prodding from me. He's saying that he knows he was about to lose me for good, and his relationship with her isn't what he thought it was, and he knows he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. Am I stupid to give it another chance? It's not just about trust, it's about self-preservation. When the OW or OM come back like this, do they usually mean it? Do they really mean that they do want you or want to work things out with you, or is this usually just a ruse for "don't want to lose my stability right now" "maybe later"? I don't know what to think; one minute he's telling me he thinks he loves her & they have something special, then all of a sudden he's acting like reality hit him & he knows for sure he wants me and our life back. I don't know what to believe anymore from anybody. Does anybody have any thoughts? Please help!

Welcome to marriagebuilders. You might want to post on general questions, as there is more traffic there. Start in Plan A, you can read all about it on the link in my signature line.

Hey, I'm not one of the veterans, so I don't feel qualified to dish out much advice. My WH is still waffling between OW & me. I'm about to begin Plan B.

Your case sounds different than mine. Your WH is at least saying he wants to save your marriage. He needs to write a NC (No Contact) letter immediately w/ your assistance. Something simple. No "if only we were both available" or "I'll always remember...." Just "Our relationship was wrong. I love my wife and I am staying married. Do not contact me in any way from now on." Then you can both sign it. He cannot be "just friends" with her either.

I would strongly suggest marriage counseling (MC). If you haven't already done so, read up on the MB principles. Print two copies of the Emotional Needs (EN) Questionnaires, one for each of you to complete. Not an excuse for an affair, but you probably have not been meeting eachother's EN, possibly didn't even know what they were.

You both have to become completely honest with eachother. No "codes" on cell phones or email accounts. If you have nothing to hide, this is really easy.

There's much more on the MB website. There are also some great books you can order. Check out the bookstore on the MB website also.

Keep posting. Your situation sounds promising. Frankly, I wish my WH was at least saying he wanted to stay.

L&A

I don't think I could get him to go to a marriage counselor. He had some bad experiences when he was a teenager with a counselor (nothing morbid or nasty - just frustrating & not effective) & he doesn't really trust them. I also don't know if I can get him to sign a No Contact contract yet either. He's in that stage of saying that he doesn't want her physically, he only wants me and that he's not going to be calling her and she won't be calling him, but if we run into her out somewhere he would speak politely. I told him that I won't speak to her at all. He says that he only would if she's out w/her child & we're out w/our children because we've shielded them completely from this & they don't have a clue. He said that if I'm rude to her then they'll know something is up. I told him I won't speak to her, I'll ignore her & act like I don't see her & he should be happy if that's all I do when I come face to face to her. I know violence doesn't solve anything & I'm not going that route, but she did me like complete s--t too & I don't have the gumption yet to face her without beating her head in. I hate having that in my heart, and maybe over time that will fade, but for right now, it's too fresh & I have to limit myself to working through that. He says he's really sure he wants me, our life back, our family back and to get our lives back to some simblance of order, but I'm really not sure how to do that. We all say take things slow; baby steps; and don't fall right back into things, but how do you do that when you live in the same house & share so much already? I had a nightmare last night that I finally took the wall down and then got comfortable with him again and fell in love with him again & then jump forward a few months & he's on the porch kissing her & telling her he'll get rid of me this time. I woke up squalling (and I've never been a crier) and it woke him up, he wrapped hisself around me & wanted to know about it. I couldn't tell him, I just said it was a bad dream. He held onto me til I went back to sleep. That sounds wonderful, but it's not. I can't even escape my doubts in my sleep. I was so happy he told me all the stuff he told me, but now I don't know how to handle the doubts I have. I feel like I'm going thru my own private hell & I am making myself crazy. Do WH really ever come back & want to be home? Do they ever really get rid of the OW? Sorry, I know I sound like an emotional basket case........ Any thoughts (besides the fact I probably need to be on Prozac right about now - lol)?

lost in emotion - Sorry all of this is happening. Did she move out of your home? I hope so. And also a no contact letter is necessary. See if he will write one.

You might want to post in general questions where there is more traffic.

Also read Ark's thread there about how to act in Plan A.

We will help you through this.