I am new to this site within the last two days. I am trying to fix what I have done. This last weekend (july 4) my wife was looking at my e-mail account. She found a sent mail to someone I met on line. Enclosed in the e-mail was an erotic story and an adult pic of me. She felt like she was going to throw up. Her entire life has been turned upside down. Instead of coming clean I tried to lie my way out. (making things worse) So now it is day three, my wife has said we will get through this. I feel like i am looking over a huge black abyss, and walking into it. Every step I take I am lucky that there is ground below me.

I just found this site yesterday. have not read the books yet. but I will. What I am looking for is how to recover, how do I earn back what I took for granted in our relationship. How do I work through this? I would like to know that there are others that have recovered.

This is my first ever post to a forum. So we will see how it works. My basic bios are:
I am 35 wife is 33, we have three kids under 11 her two daughters and my son. have dated since 2001 and were married in June 2003.

I know we will recover, but this is sooooo very hard. Thanks for your feedback.

Welcome to marriage builders. You might want to post on general questions - much more traffic there.

Your marriage sounds very hopeful to me. You are sorry, and that is good. You just need to tell her this about 100 times a day, and change your behavior.

Start coming here, and give up the other site. Lots of folks have made it through this, and come out with a better marriage. It will help if you can get her to post too. We can help her too.

I feel your pain, my situation is like yours only worse. I had an affair a year ago, it is over now, but my husband found an e-mail I had sent. I too tried to lie, and dug myself into a deep black hole. Be honest now. Trust me, all my lies to cover up my mess made it much much worse. My husband has now served me with separation papers and says he canot think of on reason not to divorce me. Be honset with her now. Be understanding and empathetic, don't try to justify your actions. Be perpared for your spouse to ask a million questions, re-live every detail, and flip-flop back and forth between yes we can work it out, and no I don't want to. Just a few thought from someone whos currently living in the hell I created.

Thanks believer. I will probably do that. I dont even know if posting at all will help. She has full access (now) to the e-mail account that this stuff goes to. I dont know if she might what was in my mind to post here anyway.

Hi, I'm new here too. My husband is the cheating one, and I found out thru the woman he was with. She is/was a friend. It broke my heart. I feel like my whole world is falling down around me. I love my husband very much. I WISH AND PRAY that he would just TRY to make me feel loved again. TELL your wife you love her, beg for forgiveness, DON'T LIE AGAIN, don't keep secrets, not even "good" ones (ex: surprize party, etc.) from her, make her feel SPECIAL, be affectionate, understanding and attentive, and above all else, don't do it again and don't put yourself into bad situations that could cause her to feel like it's repeating itself. Court her, ask her on a date, hold her, love her. Trust me, that's what she needs. As for her trusting you again, that will take TIME, lot's of time. Good Luck

Hi. I have been you. . . and I have been on the other end. What people are telling you is true. Be completely honest. Transparent even. When my husband and I reconciled after years of deceit and hurting each other we made the following deal: We know each other's email passwords, we know each others cellphone passnumbers - there is to be no quilt whatsoever about checking on each other. You are starting from less than zero and only a substantial amount of time with no reason to fear will fix this. My H and I have been back together for almost 2 years now and although we are now having a different problem we have managed to rebuild the trust we once had. . . and trust me we butchered it to unrecognizable pulp with lies and deciet. .so it can be done.

Most of all - go get help. Together or apart. You need to really work on this to make it better.

I am new here but think you are headed in the right direction. Sounds like your marriage is solid enough to recover. For me, total openess and honesty on your part will go a long way in fixing things. Don't give your wife anything to wonder about or question. Tell her as often as you can how much you love her, why you love her. My husband has been doing that for me and it helps tremendously. Physical touch means a lot too - holding hands, cuddling. It is so reassuring to me that he means what he says and that we are going to be OK.