I'm new here and I'm really struggling. I've been married 7 years to a wonderful man, the love of my life. Last summer I had a brief affair with a close mutual friend. It ended quickly, but we both stayed friends with this person. Big mistake I know, we are no longer in contact with him at all.

My husband found some old e-mail I had sent the other man. This all happened 6 weeks ago. At first I tried to lie and cover up my mess, but I eventually came clean with everything. I cried, begged, pleaded for him to give me a chance to prove how much I love him and how dedicated to saving our marriage I really am. I know I've made a mistake, a mistake I will never make again.

My husband was at a lawyers office starting the divorce process the very next day. He just served me with separation papers last weekend. I asked for time, he refused. He said he gave me time, it took me two weeks to tell him all the details of my affair, and he is still made it took me so long. He is hurt and angy, and his pride was crushed. I understand his actions.

What I want to know is what can I do now. I would really like some advice. I know most people here are dedicated to saving their marriages, and most were not the offenders, but this is good, I want your opinions. Don't worry about being blunt, tell me the truth. The truth is my friend now, I'm done living a lie. Is there anyone her who was in my husbands shoes when they first found out about their spouses affair? Did you eventually try to work things out with you cheating spouse? If so, what changed your mind to save your marriage? Thanks!

LLG,

Welcome to MB. You have come to a place that might just help you. It is up to you of course. I would strongly urge you to read the articles here by Dr. Harley. The first one should be on Plan A. It is actually for the betrayed spouse, BS, but it often helps you see what to do when you are the wayward spouse, WS.

Your H is acting rather quickly, but you need to be patient here and give this time. I would like to urge you post on the General Questions section, as more people post there especially WS's. They can help you a lot.

Further, you have chosen a day to post when one of our long time posters is back. Her name is "hopeful_person", read her thread and post to her on it. Her story will amaze you and give you hope.

So read the articles, ask plenty of questions, read the posts and I think you will get the hang of this. You cannot change your H if he is determined to divorce, but you can come to understand why you had the A, you can learn how to make a marriage better and stronger, and if your H opens his heart you can learn how to meet his needs and possibly rebuild your marriage. As "hopeful_person" shows,it can be rebuilt even after a divorce.

I am sorry you are here, and I do hope you will take this opportunity to learn as much as you can about yourself and the dynamics of marriages.

God Bless,

JL

Lost....

My wife had an affair,, and I can tell you it is the hardest thing I have ever faced in my life.
I didnt ever file any papers but I did separate from my wife for a few months.
Your hubby is in shock,, and looking for a way to deal with your infidelity. Its so early right now he cant even begin to look at forgiving you. I felt the same.
I contacted a lawyer was all prepared to end it.
You must try to understand he is devastated.
If you told him all the details of your affair as my wife told me,,, it will be hard for him to forgive.
I felt his pain,,, trust me it is unbearable at times. I felt no way was there hope for us. Its been 2 months since my wifes affair and it still haunts me,, in my thoughts, in my dreams, in my trust, and in my confidence. I have been making a very good effort to forgive my wife, and I can tell you that for me it was my wifes determination to not give up that got me to move back,, it is still hard but for the first time in a while there is hope. A spouse cannot bear the thought of thier mate with another. It is something we hold so dear. For me it was the physical factors of the affair. All I could think about was "MY WIFE HAS GIVEN HERSELF TO ANOTHER MAN" Amazingly enough I have started to understand that my wife is not tainted, or ruined. You have to show your husband you are in love with him. Your words,, your affection,, and your determination to not let this end your affair can help save your marriage. It will be hard. If he is like me he will not be ready to believe your sincerity. You are no longer his trusted beloved wife,,, he is confused because the person he has loved for so long has now become his greatest enemy. He can get through this but only if he wants to. He needs all the help he can get from you. My wife stuck with me despite me saying very hurtful things to her and threatining divorce. Even now if she feels I am thinking about her affair she comforts me talks to me and helps me see that what we have deserves a second chance. I respect my wife for all she has done.. MB helped me understand that there was hope,, and helped me open back up to my wife. Your hubby is so lost right now,, he is acting on impulse. Help him see that you love him, help him understand why you did what you did,, he will need constant re assurance that you are sorry for what has happened and are willing to commit yourself fully to him. This will hurt you as well but dont give up you will probably feel its hopeless at times,,, its not. Your mistake is just that... a mistake no matter how big of a mistake it is still something you wish would have never happened. You can rebuild your marriage it takes everything you are and your husband is to do it but it can be done.
Your husband may not want it right now but believe me he needs you more than ever.

good luck and try to be hopeful,, all is not lost.

I'm sorry about your situation. After being married for 21 years, I still do not understand what makes a person cheat. I have not cheated, but my wife has. She moved out 3 months ago, with some excuse about wanting to "think about our relationship" and "needing some space". Three days after she moved out, I discovered a full blown affair that had been going on for 2 months....now 5 months.

Oh yes, I asked her point-blank three times about the OM, and she denied it. Nothing but more lies and deceit. I still don't understand why people cannot tell the truth when it is staring them in the face. It took me 5 months to get her to finally admit the truth.

Your husband may respond to the truth. It is all up to you. Since he cannot trust you, the burden is on you to show him little by little how he can. Be prepared for anger, resentment, and a lot of tears. At least you are being an adult about it, and I praise you for that. At least you love him enough to want to make things work. Write love letters to him, and spend some time with him letting him know how terrible you feel about the situation. Also, if you are hiding anything else, you had better come clean now.

I wish my wife felt like you did. I would take her back in a minute if she just told me that she was sorry. But she isn't. I would not bring up the affair ever again...I would just want to move on in a positive and loving direction.

Good luck to you. Keep your husband engaged in conversation. If he wants to yell and scream, let him vent. Agree with him, and say "I understand". Most of all, write to him every day. You have shattered his self-esteem, and you will need to rebuild it with him.

I wish you the best. This marriage can be reconciled, but it will take a lot of work. Love conquers all, just remember that.

Thank you all for your replies. I will not give up, no matter what happens. Even if we do divorce, I will never give up, and I've told him that.

Your advice means so much from me because you guys know exactly what my husband is going through. I am sorry you have had to deal with this horrific nightmere.

I want to begin the healing process, but I don't know how. We have some unique issues as well. First, we have been physically separated since January, not because of the affair, but because of his job. I was supposed to move in October to be with him, but now he doesn't want me to.

I'm not sure if our distance will help us or hurt us during the healing process. Marriage counseling is out of the question with 3,000 miles between us. I am in counseling by myself, and it helps. He isn't opposed it counseling either, but it is nearly impossible with his work schedule.

So here is my question...With 3,000 miles between us, what can I do? He needs time right? I was calling to leave messages because he screens his calls, and e-mailing everyday, but he seldom responded. So I'm wondering if I should back off a little, but I want him to know I still care. So, How often should I call or e-mail, which one is better? I know he still loves me, and that he is hurt and confused. How can I help him?

LLG,

The distance is a hard thing to overcome. If I were you and you can find a job whereever your H is, I would plan to move in Oct. no matter what he says. You need to be a bit relentless about this. Pushy?? Maybe not, but relentless with no LB's thrown in.

Here is a thread that may help you. Just click on the bookmark. One person made a post about reconcilling and it may help you develop a plan to attack this. By the way, the Harley's do phone counseling and it is much more convenient that up and leaving work or whatever. It is something you both might want to consider. I am sure it can be done jointly from both locations.

Anyway here is the thread Some ideas

Hope this helps.

God Bless,

JL

PS: Are there children involved in the marriage, and what has caused this lengthy separation between you two?

LostGirl,
I'm a male BS. In order to give you and idea of how long it can take to recover let me give you the quick version of my story:

WW had an affair from Winter '01 thru Winter '02
I discovered the relationship March '02
After too many lies she admites to a EA in May '02
"Recovery" begins
The facts keep gnawing at me; I occassionally ask for all the truth.
After nearly 2 years of lies all truth comes out September'03. PA with "I love yous" "soul mates" etc.

Almost a year later I have days when I love her and I have days when I truely despise her for the shame and humiliation I still feel. The reality is we will never be the same. I will never totally trust her. I will never totally love her completely. I will never totally excuse her behavior.

My youngest child will be out of the house in approx. 5-7 years. If I feel the same way then as I do now I'll leave her.

What a waste of a life and 20 years of marriage.

cwmac

Hello,

It sounds like you love your husband very much since you refer to him as a wonderful man and the love of your life. I am curious as to why the affair. Was it because he was gone? In addition, you made a horrible mistake not only with the affair but with a mutual friend. I guarantee you that your husband feels that both of you must have been laughing behind his back during and after the affair. Your husband feels totally humiliated and disrespected.
Continuing the friendship in front of your husband must have made him think you and your OM were some kind of sadists getting off on his pain.
I know this is not how you felt but I am sure this is what he must be thinking. Imagine if the roles were reversed, what kind of thoughts would you be having. Finally, not telling the truth immediately was a huge mistake. Now he wonders what else have you been holding back from him.

The distance part of your relationship is another tremendous roadblock. I agree with the other poster that told you to move and find a job where your husband is. The longer you both are not together the less chance you will have to recover.
Prove to him by your actions not by your words. I am sure you were telling him that you loved him when you were having the affair so your words probably do not mean much now to him. Only your actions can have an impact at this point. I wish you luck.

I know what a terrible mistake I have made, but I'll do anything to save my marriage.

Why the separation since January? My husbands job moved him accross the country temporarily. I stayed behind, we both agreed it was best due to his insane busy schedule. I offered to move as soon as the affair was discovered. I even gave up our house, and put all out stuff in storage. He doesn't want me there. I wonder if he is afraid he will let his guard down if I'm there. His buddies also might think he's a wimp if he takes me back.

So, to make a long story short I did move, but since he didn't want me where he is at, I moved back to be with my family. We have no children yet, so I guess that is both good and bad. I am hoping that he will allow me to move with him in October, when he will be relocating yet again. Hw will be away from his friends, which will be good.

My reasons for my affair? Stupidity! Yes, and Insanity! I love my husband and I always have, so reasons are difficult. In my own personal therapy I have discussed the reasons, so here are a few: We were babies when we got together 16 and 22. We married a year later. He was my first everything. We grew up, and grew apart, living parallel yet separate lives. He remained my best friend yet the passion in our marriage faded and I became vulnerable. Another man was meeting my needs, and I gave it even though I knew it was wrong. Wild Oats? I won't let myself off that easily, I am too smart for that. So, here I am in one heck of a big mess I created.

My husband is nice to me when we talk. I guess that is a plus. He flew all the way accross the country to serve me with separation papers. He said he felt that was better than mailing them. He only stayed 10 minutes though, and I was disappointed.

My question is now what can I do? The separation can either make his heart grow fonder, or grow cold and bitter. I know he needs time and space, but I want him to know I still care. How can I do that without him resenting me more. He says he loves me yet he cannot find one reason not to divorce me. On the other hand he says maybe somedau we can be friends again. Please help...I really am desperate.

llg:

I disagree. The distance does not have to be a hindrance to counseling.

I don't know if the Harley's will do 3-way counseling, which would require that THEY call YOU (unless you can set up a conference call yourself, or your H can do it), but I do know that Penny Tupy does 3-ways (she's trying to get my W and I to do one).

Consider giving her a call. She's gone for the weekend. Her website is www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com. She's a MB-trained coach.

best,
-Qfwfq (aka 2long)

Thank you all for your posts. Im just so worried that time is ticking. He found out 6 weeks ago, thats when I ended all contact and tried to do plan A alone. By husband won't wai, he's already served me with the divorce papers, and wants the divorce final by November...Please Help!

lostnlonelygirl

I'm sorry for your pain and I'm also sorry that I don't really have any words.

You will have to accept what your husband is doing because it is "His" choice whether or not he wants to stay in this marriage.
Even if it's a shock reaction, you will have to "accept" it.

It takes time, alot of time to recover from the first shock and everybody seems to react differently.
This is probably going to be the biggest lesson you have ever learned...........gosh I'm so sorry for you. (honestly) "Sometimes we have to "loose" what is so special in order to see what we had."

No matter what time will bring, use this for your own personal growth. Learn to be honest with yourself, learn to be a better "you" and learn to "forgive" yourself. Become a better "you" and let time work for you.

I wish you the best! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

bb

Just my male opinion, and I may be dead wrong on this. Do anything you can to keep the communication going. The fact that he is speaking to you is step one to resolution. Phone calls, letters, e-mails....ANYTHING.

The first few months are critical, and if you are showing the incentive that you really want him back, he may soon realize it.

So what if he is speaking of divorce! Don't give up on the front end. Pursue him.

He is incredibly hurt right now, and you need to be calm and soothing to him. Let him vent, ask him to let it out. This may go on for weeks or months, but one day, you may see a change where the conversations are on level ground, and you will talk about the present and hopefully the future. The past won't come up as often.

I know that you love this man. I hope that you get him back in your arms! Ask him if you can come see him and spend some HOURS face-to-face to address your mutual problems.

Thank you all for your posts. At this point I think it will be the moral think to do to sign his separation papers. The thought of divorce by November scares me, but I think I should give him what he wants. Please Help!

I understand the "moral thing to do", but can you not stall for time? The way that I look at it is, if you sign, it's like you are participating in setting the wheels into motion.

I'm with you on doing the right thing, but IMHO, doing anything to put the marriage back together is the right thing to fight for. Can you ask him the favor of some time?

I don't mean to confuse you, but I am hoping he will grant you your wish for a time extension.

I have asked for time, and i will continue to ask. He response is always...I gave you two weeks. Meaning it took me two weeks to tell himm the entire truth about my infidelities. We have been together 8 years though, and he still is my best friend. I will continue to ask for time. I understand why he is moving so fast, he is really hurt. I don't deserve to be his wife anymore, and he didn't deserve any of this either. I am confused. Thanks for you advice I really am lost and lonely at this point. My affair really has ruined my life, but I am determined to grow from this awful experience.

You have no idea what you've done to your husband.

You have ZERO concept of the hurt he is going through...the nightmares...the images of another man ravaging your body. The lies...

Why did you do this? Where is this other 'man'...er...worm? Does he still try to contact your husband...his 'friend?'

You have ruined his entire view of life...his future...his dreams. I suggest you give him space. There is no amount of you 'pouring it on' that is going to make up for what you've done.

Work on your character and figure out WHY you did this to your husband. You have got a LOOOOOONG way to go...focus on what makes you do this stuff.

Sad. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

You did not really LOVE your husband, ever. If you did really LOVE him, you would have never even "thought" about cheating on him.

So, what you had was NEVER real love. Let him go, maybe someday you will figure out what REAL LOVE is!

loST,,,
lISTEN TO ME,,,,,If you sign the papers you will be sending your husband the message,, (I am in love with the OM) dont be hasty even though your husband has. You think he knows what he is doing or what he wants? He doesnt. Sign the papers and he will think ,, "man that was easy she let me go like I was nothing" I did some stupid stuff like that just to test my wifes true determination and love. Not once did she let me go... She would say NO I am not ever letting you go, you are what I want I have no excuse for the pain I have caused,, I hate myself for what i did. You are my husband my love and I have destroyed my life, there is no way in hell I am not fighting for the most important thing in my life. These are just a few things my wife said to me,, and she is proving it right now. By signing you will hurt him even more, it may be a test for himself to see how attached you are to other man. He is giving you a way out, dont take it, if you dont want it show him that you dont. He may have influences telling him he should leave you, I know I did. You say you will not give up! By signing the papers you are giving up. Be strong.
I never thought I could reurn to my wife but I did. I just had to let myself heal some. I said very hurtful things to my wife,,, I even had my own one night stand while we were separated,, told my wife everything about it,, guess to level the playing field. I felt she would feel my pain,, I wanted her to. She still remained determined to make things right, she has suffered as I have suffered. I gave her a way out,, it was not what she truly wanted,, she wants me. You are the only one who can make your husband feel this way. By signing you are saying you lied all along about being sorry for what you did.. FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE it is in us all to forgive if we know what we may be losing.

I don’t post on this site, I prefer to lurk, but I wanted to respond to your post. Maybe your emotion has shown thru it, and that got to me.

You may not be able to do anything here. I believe in the principles on this site. I’m convinced that they are/will make my own marriage great. However, if I caught my wife having an affair, I would do exactly what your husband did. I would file for Divorce and never allow myself to even consider another option.

Harsh? Yes, it is. But those are my beliefs and I stand by them. I’m not saying this to be a [censored], I’m saying this so that you understand what might be going on. Your husband may not consider reconciliation an option, I don’t know.

If you think you can work through this, meditate on this sentence for a minute.

“A Man’s honor lies between his woman’s legs”

That’s what you destroyed. His sense of trust, his sense of honor, his pride, his ego, etc,

Everything thing that makes him a man (in his eyes) you destroyed.

That’s what you’re up against. Somehow, you/he needs to rebuild that. I have no idea how, but that’s where you need to put your focus. Well, actually you need to put your focus on you because let’s face it. You may not live with him anymore, but you have to live with yourself no matter what.

If you really want to change YOU so that YOU don’t do something like this again, that’s a good goal. You should work on that no matter what.