My goodness how life can really throw you for a loop sometimes... I have always believed in my husband. Never doubted his whereabouts or what he was doing. He travels for business; some years more than others, he even goes on a golf trip once a year with the guys. This year on his annual golf trip he hooked up with a whore paid $80 and had a grand ole time. He came home and acted as if nothing happened for two weeks. Then crying, he told me what he had done because he suspected he caught an STD. He actually thought he was dying. I think he had a nervous breakdown. I felt bad for him because of the way he was acting. I never had the chance to get really mad! I took him to doctors (there was no way he could drive). I stayed by his side and found comfort in his arms. I really, really do love him. Anyhow, all tests came back negative and he's on antidepressants now.

Here's my problem I believe I only found out because he started not to feel so good. The infectious disease doctor said he could have had the clap and started us on antibiotics, and this may have cleared up by the time he took the proper blood tests, that need 60 days to show.
Could I have been a fool all these years? Could every trip he took have had this or something like this happening? How do I over come the doubt? He swears that nothing like that has ever happened, but I know that if he felt fine I would have never known!

I thought we had a good life, with its ups and downs but never thought infidelity would enter our marriage. We have a healthy and very active sex life and enjoy each others company. We were even going to a fertility doctor to try and have more children! We go on dates when our son is out. We watch movies, ball games, go for walks, try new restaurants and even play golf together. How could this happen? How can I ever forget? Every time I think of him with someone else it turns my stomach.

Is everyone doing this? He takes that golf trip with 16 or 17 other guys, most married. All did what he did. Does this happen all the time? Is our marriage a lie? It's been one month since I found out and about 2 weeks since all tests are negative. In the interim his sister her children and his dad have visited and stayed with us. I haven't had time to really get mad! I feel I should be really angry. We’ve been married for almost 20 years. I still can't believe he did this, but now I question all the time away. All the little signs, staying over an extra night so the company could save on plane far, stopping in Vegas for a night on a business trip to California. I don't know how to handle this. This is the first real heart break I have ever had. My best friend betrayed me. Help!!!

Sorry to hear what brought you here, but this is a good place to be for help. "Just Found Out" is a little slower paced than "General Questions II, and all boards are slower on weekends.

Read worthatry's post, called Wat's quick start for betrayed spouses, or something like that. It will get you started.

Consider purchasing and reading "Surviving an Affair", which you can find links to on the home page of this MB website.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=29;t=000940

Good luck to you!

SD

Thanks. That did help somewhat.

about me

BS(me)40
WH 44
m 19yrs
child one b13
d-day 5/31
PA 4/23

Am going through similar sitation. Just found out he had a one-night stand with his girlfriend from 30+ years ago. The old story - we got drunked up and it just happened. He says it only happened that one time and it never happened with anyone else in our 24 year marraige. It took him 8 months to tell me. the guilt he said was unbearable and he decided to come clean. The only thing that keeps our marriage going is his honesty, albeit it took so long, and that there are no secrets between us. Me, well, I'm devastated, shocked and am having a difficult time with this. I picture them in my mind all the time. Before this I too trusted 100% and now I'm having trouble trusting again becausee husband travels a lot. I pray for strength, guidance and wisdom but so far I'm just feeling miserable.

I feel like this is what people meant when I heard "older and wiser". I can't even look at another couple and not think that the husband is most likely doing or has done the same $@#!% thing! I am becoming so cynical!

I’m so upset. First I had to take care of him, I guess the guilt and thinking he was really sick was too much. Now he wants me to stop thinking about it put it behind me.

Did you see the latest Newsweek about cheating wives? Well we get it delivered. Do you know what WH said? “Well if one of us was going to do that we should tell the other person and get out of our marriage. It won’t be fair to the other person!” Boy, did I blow a @#$% ing gasket. How dare he impose rules now!!! How dare he insinuate that he may do it again! When I finally cooled down, he said he was worried that I may think about getting even! Does he think that my morals changed? Just because I’m mad, sad and hurt doesn’t mean that I think 2 wrongs will make a right!!!

My other problem is that he is the only one I can talk to. He has spoken to a medical doctor, a urologist, 2 shrinks and a priest about his deed. We have told family that WH was upset because of a different medical problem. Everyone is feeling sorry for him offering him encouragement and everything.

Me? I'm happy I found this website. Who else can I tell? It's so embarrassing, it hurts so much!

Regards - I have been thinking about your problem since yesterday. I do have the feeling that this was a one time thing. Mainly because your husband got so upset about it.

If he had been doing this all along, I don't think he would have been so worried. Spider slayers WH had a breakdown and ended up in the ER when he cheated on her. Now they are back together.

But, don't let your husband sweep this under the rug, that is always what they want to do. You need to work this out.

Thank you believer! I cried when I read your reply. I needed someone else to say what I feel deep down. I still have doubts but maybe time and talking will help.

Before his stupidity we were going away to meet up with friends and family. Well, these friends went on that golf trip, there wives will be there. I don't know if I want to go. If it were only friends I would back out but since some of my family is going I really want to go. I know I won't say anything to the other wives, but it sucks that I may have to see the other guys and they know what WH did. I know what they did. What a farce! Those wonderful husbands will be there happy with their families. Such bull. WH says I need to focus on us not anyone else...I know I need to grow up and deal, but so soon? I hate that I am in this position!

regards,

I am so sorry for the pain this has caused you. When I read that your husband was tested and treated for an STD, I was concerned because I didnt see you mention anything about HIV, which as you probably know is the precursor to AIDs. If he had unprotected sex with this woman, he will need to be tested for that as well. My concern deals with the time frame involved. Even if he tests now and it is negative, he will need to repeat the test 6 months from the time he was with this person to be certain he did not contract this virus. If he has gone to several physicians as you said, hopefully they told him to use protection with you until the final results come back after the 6 mos. test is done.

I know this will probably scare you but better to be informed and take the necessary precautions than to find yourself contracting something so horrible. I am hoping your doctor has already discussed all of this with you.

I wish you the best.
Lmh

yes he did test for that. He did use protection but still worried himself sick. So we were using protection until the negative results came back. now the doctor says everything is fine.

thanks for your concern

I secondf believers post. Don't let him sweep it under the rug. They all want to. Click on the link in my signature line fopr more info on how to recover

john39, H wants to move on. He feels he has said sorry, went to doctors and even a priest. What more do I want? I don't even know how to answer him. In our case I don't have to convince him to stop seeing OW. But if this is his first time,how do I know it won't happen again. I have to change things around here. He can't think that I'll accept this behavior. Do it once shame on you do it twice shame on me!
I still can't believe he has done this.

I find a tremendous amount of comfort in his arms, he repeats over and over that he loves me, but I still freak out sometimes. I feel such a large amount of disrespect and betrayal that I can't let go.

It was a stupid mistake, probably encouraged by all of the other men. You will start feeling better about it, but it will take some time.

You do need to discuss this. Ask him what kind of actions he can put in place to keep this from happening again.

Yesterday started to finally vent to H. Alone in the house with him and he was feeling better. I really told him how angry i was. I told him he needed to be less selfish and I needed to be more selfish. I felt better. There was a choice to make and I did what was better for me. I went out for some exercise a good 3mile sweating run(jog). Dinner and everyone else could wait! Felt good! No more putting others first... today, however, I flipped out on H again and before I went to work. H called and he threw his back out...can't move. So here I am again taking care of him. He goes for tests tomorrow.