First time poster. Long topic.
My wife of 14 years and 2 children,told me memorial day weekend shortly after our anniversary. That she does not know how she feels about me anymore.
States that over last year because of frequent arguments that she has lost feelings that she used to have for me. Will admit majority of problems where with me. Angry outburst, distrust and lack of affection shown to her, according to her. She states that she feels numb to me now. States that even though we had sexual intimacy in last year. There where only a few times that it felt right, majority of time she cringed. I myself notice some change in the sexual intimacy, pretty much her attitude of lets just get it done and over with. Felt she had to have sex to prevent me from pouting and not talking with her. Will admit that this was partially true. Now looking back on all the things i did to her i feel like a total A-hole.
During that night i notice that after going out she sat on one end of the car looking out the window. At that point i realize there was something seriously wrong, prior to that she had talked to her mother in private and when saw her noticed she had been crying, didn't know what about at that time. Came home that night and that when she told me that she was numb and had no feelings like she used to anymore. Did bring up the idea of seperation. I was floored. I never saw it comming up to that point. she now often questions why i didn't see the signs and why it came to this point to realize the seriousness of it. Had have arguments in past that out of anger she had told me to go to hell or just leave if i wasn't happy. I had always questioned why she would be the one to suggest to leave. I kind of blew it off as part of argument, but still little confused.
So after realizing how serious she was, seeked help from pastor, we both went and talked to him but his conclusion is she working too much. She works in drs.ofc.during week occs., trvl.outside residence to work different jobs for others. at twice a mo. for the long weekends. I am usually at home with my kids when she is out. She does good work and i am proud of her(probably haven't said that enough to her} and we need the extra $$.
One thing the pastor did help me out on at least is he gave out Dr. Harvey book for me to read. I pretty much have read the whole book. Have suggested for her to read it,but don't think she has put much effort into it.
She states that she love me but at time hates me. We just completed the love buster survey and emotional need survey. I wasn't totally surprise by alot of her answer. Although after reading mine she stated that we don't have anything left.
Most of my problems where annoyance of her and openness issues. Ex. locks door when on computer, feels i am trying to look over her should so will minimize screens when i am anywhere in vincinity. will not share passwords to different email accounts. sometimes leaves details out, i don't think purposely,about her weekend trips. Then gets mad with me if i address this with her and tells me that i am reading into things, asssuming too much, and placing her out of her character. This confuses me d/t day of her announcement she had discussed the idea of still remaining married for kids sake in name only but to each allow to do and see who we want if that came up. stated one of her bosses had this lifestyle wanted to know my thoughts on it. Was taken back that she was even entertained by it.
I am still madly in love with her, but i am not sure even though she states she loves me those feelings are true.
I went away for a 4 day vacation and she cleaned house but notice all the pictures with us together have been taken down. Questioned her on it stated she just hasn't had a chance to put them up. Sent her flowers for that weekend at her ofc. although they where delivered she wasn't at that ofc. that day. I confirmed long distance that florist delivered them to correct place. I then called her and questioned where she was at. She stated she was at other ofc. I felt like a idiot because i questioned her. Don't know what is going on with me, gut tells me she is already at seperation ave. I am not.
Looking for help, suggestions or anything.
Hve suggest counseling, she not enthused with it, plus we don't have a lot of $$ and time is scarce. She feels all they will do is make us do dumb exercises and won't resolve the issue.
Sorry for the long post.
She might read this and then again i don't think she will even come to this website after i suggested.
jets.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. She has some of the signs of having an affair. I hope that is not the case. But when one spouse suddenly decides that the marriage is awful there could be another person. And the computer thing makes me wonder too.

Try posting on general questions because there is more traffic. Weekends are slow.

Also start in Plan A. You can read all about it on the link in my signature line.

Thanks believer
I have asked her straight out if there was someone else and she tells me know and gets offended that i suggested this. Which in turn makes me feel terrible. Although when i have asked if she would give up her email passwords she either evades or ignores my request. I have given her mine, but she is never on my site, d/t nothing interesting i guess. Placed a call to her tonight as she is on one of her weekend trips left vm. stating i loved her and missed her. Never got a call back. It Angers me though that she can get a call from one of her workers and she on the phone quicker (or returning the call) than the president on the red phone. I don't know what to do. Thought about hacking into her private accounts but if there is nothing there, that will be it as far as her trust for me.
Want to fix this marriage so bad don't know where to start. Not familiar with plan A.
How do i move this post to general section.

Hi again. Just copy your first post and start new topic in general questions. Weekends are slow.

I do think your wife is having an affair. They always deny it. There is a whole script that they follow, and as you read more here, you will see the same thing over and over.

You can read about Plan A on the link in my signature line.

ThanksBeliever.
I still not convinced totally. Although i look back at some of events and it really puts it into question. My gut also tells me that she is definitely hiding something from me. If she is having a affair, sexual/or emotional.
How can i get her to admit it too me. As i said before i have asked her and she flatout denies it and really makes me feel like if i can't trust her then whats the point of the marriage. What if i am wrong and she not having one. I have just wrecked all the trust factor and am probably heading for seperation ave.
Read part A,thanks.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My gut also tells me that she is definitely hiding something from me. If she is having a affair, sexual/or emotional. How can i get her to admit it too me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Everything you've said points directly to an affair. Her reactions to your questions is one piece of evidence. That having been said, it is unlikely that you will ever get her to admit it to you. She doesn't want the affair to end.

I would advise putting a keylogger on your computer. You'll soon have an answer. And unfortunately, my gut (and yours) tells you the answer won't be good.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As i said before i have asked her and she flatout denies it and really makes me feel like if i can't trust her then whats the point of the marriage.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wayward spouses often make this case to throw their spouses off track and get the blame pointed anywhere but at themselves. It's a tactic that always fails to ultimately persuade anyone, but it works temporarily. You've stopped asking the question, right? She figured you would. But you aren't convinced. Nor should you be with all the evidence she's leaving around.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What if i am wrong and she not having one. I have just wrecked all the trust factor and am probably heading for seperation ave.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't ignore your gut meter. It is usually right. And what if you are wrong?

If you're wrong and she's not having an affair, you can add your irrational sense of mistrust to your counseling topics, right up with the one about why your wife feels she needs to hide things from you.

You can choose to do nothing. But I think that will get you to separation avenue faster than you think.

Take care.

~ Snow

Wow, Jets, I think you have to listen to those in this forum. You just told a story which I lived not that long ago at all... and, as what everyone has told you so far, it was an affair and I was to late to react, although she, as in your case, was in complete denial of anything going on.

Do what you need to find out the truth, if you do nothing, things will get further out of control and you my friend will start going crazy

She is either having an affair, or if you truly believe she would not lie to you, she is lonely, depressed, empty, and vulnerable. All it takes is one man who is "right" and she will be having an affair. I was in that same situation. Neglected by my husband. I was lonely and depressed, not looking to cheat. Things happen. Mistakes are made. My advice is love her and get help now, before someone else meets her emotional needs. Affairs always shatter in the end, she will see that. If you stand by her and help her through this painful season in her life, if you have the strength and the love for her, than you can survive. It happened to me. My husband has loved and forgiven and been patient as we have taken steps to save our marriage. Start now, before it is even more of a tangled web.