I am approaching the 1yr mark of D-day (7/20) and wanted to update. H had multiple A and resulting OC. He refused to work on M, so we D 12/30/03 (happy new year!). He changed mind right before, but was told by church NOT to raise baby, but to give up for adoption. An option neither of us would consider. He now has full, legal custody of OC (boy, born 10/2). (OW drug addict and not cooperating with state requirements, and will probably sign over parental rights-which is what I first responded to H with on 7/21-I would raise if she would sign over!). All along I wanted to adopt and raise this child. But, because H did not want to save M, I relented and slowly pulled away. Also, church leadership advised that this was not my problem! (Separated 10/25/03). I fell into the "lonely, somebody love me, please" pit and fell for D man whose wife had also had A and divorced him for OM (2 years prior). We hid our emotional relationship from all but a few close friends until AFTER D was final. THEN, we were called to the carpet by the leadership at our church, and since we were "leaders" (I worked there and he was on the worship team), we were relieved of our positions and told to separate. We did, I had surgery the next day (pre-planned) and we stayed away from each other, but also, everyone else pretty much stayed away from us. Talk about being in the lowest place of my life BEFORE...NOW it was made worse by being left alone. No one wants to associate with a "sinner." Then, after 3 months of no real contact, we started seeing each other again. It has been 3 months. We have found a new church, where we are loved and accepted, but we both feel the horrible remorse of having lost the people we loved, and who we thought loved us. My biggest hurt was the fact that I begged for counseling. All I got was what I got here (at MB forum) and that of "well-meaning" friends. (Remember Job's friends?) Anyway, I want to convey to anyone who might be in the early stages of a similar situation to open your eyes and recognize that it's not worth it. I love this man, but if we would have listened FULLY to our leadership (and especially to God when we first started talking just before my divorce was final, to stop and wait!), maybe things would be different now. For sure, the HUGE body of Christ we belonged to would not be publicly shunning us (there's always going to be a few in every crowd, though), and each of our healing processes would not have been hindered by our grabbing on to each other and losing sight of WHOSE we really were and who would fill the God-sized hole in our hearts. Those who tried so hard to fight against our human nature to want to be loved and keep us apart, actually worked to satan's advantage in that it actually left us alone with no one but each other (physically-spiritually, we had Jesus) to love and be loved by. I would counsel you to do the hard thing...listen to those God places over you EVEN IF YOU DON'T AGREE! God will take care of the rest!! Ex-H feels like HE has caused me all this turmoil. I accept 100% of my part in our marital failure, even if I THOUGHT everything was fine. I would counsel any church leadership reading this that if you have people who are being emotionally ripped apart by adultery...DO NOT LEAVE THEM TO THEIR OWN DEVICES! And if you do, don't expect them to suddenly warm up to your concern if it wasn't there when they needed it MOST! I had a well-meaning friend say, "we hurt for you, yes, but we're not consumed by it like you are!" I was in a vulnerable state and had to keep up the outside because remember, I was in "leadership." That made it all the more easier to fall apart on the inside. The "consumption" that she visibly saw was stronger than any effort made by "friends" to console. Not that they are to be a major part of any healing, but to be sure, we are called to be an integral part of our spiritual sibling's burdens/failures/joys and yes, even sin. Thank you for listening!
