I posted here a couple of weeks ago regarding my husband telling me that he wasn't sure if he still loved me. Part of me knew then that he was already gone.

I pressured him tonight and he told me that he's been having an affair for months and that this married woman is his soulmate.

I can't say that our marriage has been wonderful but it has been good and we have three amazing daughters.

I'm shocked and horrified right now. Why couldn't he leave if he was unhappy? Why put me through this humiliation???? He says he was happy and that this just happened and that he is in love with her and that she's going to leave her husband and they're going to live happily ever after. He told me that as long as I don't smear him and admit that it's mutual loss of love that is causing the divorce, the kids will be protected and won't be as hurt.

I don't know what kind of a woman would fall in love with a married man to wreck two homes.

I just know that I can never forgive or forget, I don't love him. I just ache for our girls.

I feel so sad, so incredibly sad. Part of me just wants to end all this suffering. I'll go see a counsellor this week and maybe go on meds.

It seems like a dream, like it's supposed to happen to other people, not us, basically happy, totally in love with our family. I'm very disappointed and crushed that the last 17 years meant so little to him.

I told him to move out tomorrow and we're tellling the kids in the morning. Wow, it seems so surreal.....I thought he had intergrity and morals....it now seems he just wants his own happiness no matter what or whom it destroys...

I would appreciate some replies from people who have gone through this.....I really need a friend right now....

So far, this is textbook. Very, very typical.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mw:
<strong>I told him to move out tomorrow and we're tellling the kids in the morning.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Here's the best advice you're gonna get today:

Tell him you changed your mind and you do not want him to move out. Tell him you prefer to work together to rebuild your marriage for the good of all, especially your children.

He may choose to move out anyway. If he does, it will be his choice. If you do not reverse course and tell him you don't want him to move, he will always point to you as the one who made him do it. Take it to the bank. This WILL occur. It's straight from the same textbook.

Please tell us what happens. In the meantime, read the link in my sig line below and all the embedded links.

I've been where you are. I flipped flopped from telling him to leave and begging him to stay. I know that begging didn't work but neither did threatening. My best weapon (in hindsight) was showing strength that I would survive no matter what he chose. I always made it clear that I would not be responsible for the destruction of our family. He needed to tell the kids and suffer the lose of their security. I put in place my needs if he left. The more he saw me coping the less he was able to leave. My advice (I know it isn't easy) tell him you want to work on the marriage but need both of you on the same page. If he says he wants out stay calm, in control and focus on you. The more you have a full life without him the more he may want not to leave you. Good luck

He moved to his Dad's last night. He told my oldest daughter (11) that the reason he wants a divorce is because he is in love wih someone else. I can't believe he told her. She will never trust or love him the same.

I feel so betrayed. He has OW for emotional support, for love and I am left alone to deal with my issues as well as the kids. I feel so much anger. I really didn't know him very well all these years, I thought he would be the last person on earth to cheat. I feel like I'm moving through a dream. I just want to hurt him as he hurt me (impossible). My self-esteem is non-existent. He says I have the ability alone to destroy our family with my negative thoughts and that his actions did not. He is so completely self-absorbed and blinded by his love for this woman that he does not even see how his actions will affect the kids.

I lost my lover and oldest friend two days ago and I just feel so much anger, hopelessness, despair.

Anyone anything positive to say?

Have you told OWs husband yet? He needs to know and it can be the beginning of the end of this affair.

My thoughts are with you.

~ Snow

mw - we all know how you feel.

Here's something positive for you: nothing you have described is unique. This means EVERYTHING you can learn here about infidelity and how to deal with it applies directly to your situation. Simply stated - you are not alone and you have tremendous resources at your disposal here.

Already you know more about his condition than he does. You are WAY ahead of him in understanding what's going on.

Please read the link in my sig line below and absorb all the material on this site. Then post your complete story on General Questions II.

It's good that he told your daughter more of the truth than a bold face lie. He is DEEP in the fog and you should not think of him as the same man he was a year ago.

Your anger is justified, but do not release it on him. Vent here.

This is not hopeless - far from it. But it WILL be a rollercoaster ride.

And ditto snowbelle - start exposing to all how may be influential. DO NOT tell him any of your exposure intentions.

<small>[ July 14, 2004, 05:50 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

mw, you definately are in good company here. Call Steve Harley if you think you are going to cross the line. If you play your cards right, you may very well be able to help pull your husband out of the fog. My husband & I have been together 15 years. It is normal to feel such feelings of deep betrayal and it will take a long time to recover. I realized my negativeness and attitude had a large role, but it still gives a person no right to slip out the back door. If you are a christian person, this has been a rather large wake up call for you. God wants you to depend on him for help. Pray, pray and pray some more. Ask others to pray that your husband come out of this fog. Prayer is powerful, it helped me and it can help you too if you let him in! I absolutely can not believe he told your daughter....my oldest is 10 and knows absolutely nothing. How hard that must be for her. She will be angry and might need someone to talk to about this. If you can ask people for help with the kids, it would be a good idea so that you can get yourself under control. I didn't even want to be near my 3 when I was in early stages, I was so selfish w/my pain. LEt others help you and tell only those who can support you. I told people at first and regret some of whom I told....as they used it against my husband and that could have hurt our chances of recovery. I will pray for you today. Think about calling steve.....look at plan b. my heart is with you today. Your children need you....do not run.....they will be so grateful to you for your strength. I came from a divorced family, my mother cheated. Many tell me my husband was addicted, he was addicted for 9-10 months....totally in love, talked more than 5 times a day w/her and now claims not to have a single feeling for her.....???? He can't answer the why's......they are in another fairy tale land........hang in there

mb, i forgot to mention that I disliked my husband very much when right b4 I found about the affair. Life gets alot of baggage after 17years not to mention after 3 children. What I forgot to tell you that we are in love and have a bond more than we ever have, more than the honeymoon stage. Let the OW know you will not be making it easy for her and you will not be tossing in the towel after 17 years. Plug your ears when she tells you all the glory details about how she has and always will be and all the places they did it and how you may or may not been near when they were doing it etc etc PLUG THE EARS. Be strong, do not throw away your hard work, blood sweat and tears over these last 17 years, you married and had 3 children, obviously there was love somewhere.

thank you, thank you, thank you for your input
He came over and we talked more openly and honestly than we have in years. I wish we had talked like this two months ago, before it begun. I told him that what hurts the most is losing my best and oldest friend that I was hoping to grow old with and he started crying. I know now that he still has deep feelings for me.

Until last night I was adament that I want a divorce. But now I'm not so sure. I want to leave the door open. He does not want to end it with her of course, and she still hasn't told her husband. That tells me she is not quite as sure about a future with my husband. I now think the fact my husband told me is a good sign.

I know who she is.....He met her on a business trip three months ago (I met her then too..). She is great, I also had an immediate connection to her. She is exuberant, extraverted, a jock, all the things I'm not, although she looks a lot like me.

They started e-mailing, then phoning and H said it moved forward when he found out she was also having marital problems. She lives 3 hours away, so physical contact in not that frequent.

I want to tell her husband. I don't know how, I only know her first name. But what exactly would I tell him and what would I say if he asked why I'm telling him this. Also I don't want to seem like a vindictive person to H and OW.

I'm not holding out hope. Maybe this is all for a reason. He wants a future with OW, although he has not thought about a life with her. One of them would have to quit their jobs, move to another city, being hours away from your children, blended family, angry children and two spouses.

But what I have hope for is that even if he moves on, we can restore our friendship because I honestly think that I can't face the future without him in my life in some capacity and for the children's sake. It's hard to lose a friend that you had half your life.

He was very sad, living with his aging and sickly Dad is good therapy. His wife passed away 12 yrs ago, he still mourns her. They didn't have a spectacular marriage but a long and committed one. They chose to love till the end. He misses his girls like crazy and wants to see them constantly. I felt last night that he misses his old life very badly, especially the one where between two women all his emotional needs were met. I also figured out what I need to work out in myself, what I failed to give. I'm too reserved, I don't show my love very often, I don't communicate my feelings, I'm very self-centered and not supportive. I'll see a counsellor next week. I need to work on those issues.

He agreed to live this way for 6 months. Then we'll re-evaluate and probably move forward. But who knows, a lot can happen in 6 months. I asked him to go to marriage counselling together, it will help either with sorting out how he really feels about OW (he says it's love but how can it be, built on deceit and lies), and to repair out relationship even if it only intends to be a friendship.

CONFUSED, HURT, CONFUSED,

OK mw, it is good you had this conversation. Very good.

What's not good is that he wants to have both of his worlds. Continuing like this in not good for anyone involved.

Since he has not agreed to end it, you MUST expose the affair - especially to OW's H. Failure to do this keeps everything in LaLa Land.

Please follow my prior advice and post your story on GQ II to get advice from others, although I predict 100% agreement with what I've told you here already.

When you do decide to expose, and you find OW's H, you simply share what you know with the premise that you're interested in the affairees ending their affair for the good of both families.

WAT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> mw
Junior Member
Member # 35198

posted July 13, 2004 09:21 AM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He moved to his Dad's last night. He told my oldest daughter (11) that the reason he wants a divorce is because he is in love wih someone else. I can't believe he told her. She will never trust or love him the same. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BIG HUGE NO NO!

My H told our daughter this and it has completely changed her relationship with him. She was 10 at the time.

3 years later he is STILL trying to gain back her respect and trust. She wrote him a letter not too long after he told her this telling him that he was a liar and a promise breaker and that she wished she could ask for a new dad. I encouraged her to write him letters....whether she gave them to him or not...because she had difficulty talking to him after this. She gave him some of them....but not all of them...but it helped her because by writing it down she could say everything she wanted to say. When she would talk to him he would constantly interupt her and she would forget some of the things that she wanted to talk to him about and it would frustrate her even more to think that she didn't get everything out she wanted to get out. Eventually she just shut down and wouldn't talk to him at all...didn't want to visit with him or anything.

It's taken my H a long time to get as far as he has gotten with her and it's going to take even a longer time yet to getb ack to where they need to be.

To this day my H cannot have a conversation with out daughter about lying. She rolls her eyes at him and says....."You're really one to be giving me a lecture about lying huh dad?" I know it's disrespectful....but he did bring it on himself so he has to deal with it.

-------------------------------------

Your H is also a textbook WS.
He wants to straddle the fence and get what he can from you AND the OW.

One good thing to remember during this is that people treat you the way YOU ALLOW them to treat you.

Now...it's possible that he is in love with the OW....but I highly doubt it since he hasn't thought of a future with her at this point. Isn't that what you would do if you were in love with someone?

My H WAS in love with his OW, but their relationship fizzled out when reality starting sinking in for them. Him dealing with her kids and her dealing with our kids. She wanted my H to blow off his kids to spend time with her and her kids. No need for him to blow me off as I was already moving on. Took me a while to get to that point....but I did.

My H asked me for a divorce several times....never filed though. In the end...I was the one that filed, but before he was served he did a 180 and wanted me back. I didn't take him back immediately though.

We started out just like any other relationship would because we were 2 different people by that point and I wasn't sure I would like who he had become. So....he had to persue me.

Like I said....your H is a classic WS....most everybody here has heard what you are hearing.

<small>[ July 14, 2004, 11:51 AM: Message edited by: Miss Priss ]</small>

Dear MW - my heart goes out to you, your husband is obviously in a major fog if he has only known this woman for a few months and is ready to throw away his family,

Definately try to convince him into MC, definately try to find out more about OW, her last name and tell her H - it is not vindicative, he deserves to know, he could become your ally in all of this until your husband sees the light plus OW may not feel the same way as your H

I think MC will help you to work through all those emotions, hurt, anger, etc., if you husband won't go consider going by yourself.

I'm sorry your H told your daughter he is in love with someone else - Miss Priss is right, it is not fair to your daughter, she is a child and really shouldn't have to be concerned with all that adult stuff. maybe see if she can get some counselling to if you notice she is having difficulties -

keep posting, definately keep reading, it is very therapeutic and will help greatly with your loss,
I hope your H comes to his senses and sees what he is missing out on to be with this OW

<small>[ July 14, 2004, 05:36 PM: Message edited by: sl000 ]</small>

mb, Your story sounds so familar to mine. My H ow's husband called me one day b4 my birthday and confirmed who I was and told me he had something to tell me and I wasn't going to like it. He told me what he had found out. He told me he thought I should know and had a right to know because they had unprotected sex. So if you want a way of not being vindictive....here it is. You can have your cake and eat it too! It will throw all kinds of curve balls at them and will let you come back in. Husband will be angry, but you can hold to your guns that you thought it only fair Ow's H know.

Don't forget about plan A & B, he can't have both of you.

I remember telling my husband the same thing re him being my best friend and the pain from such betrayal.

Isn't there anyway you can push your way into counciling sooner and with your daughter too?

My husbands ow lives 3.5 hrs away and also started w/email. They mostly talked 5-6 x's a day and had 3-4 weekends together. He says it was a escape from reality. No presures, no kids crying etc. and pure sex.

I too was a hard nosed woman. Didn't hardly ever give him affection.

Don't make life too easy on him. Forgiveness is important, but he has to earn his way back. Don't throw that towel in. Do not think about divorce right now. You are so angry right now and you will realize you aren't probablly very rational right now.

Remember to get help from family. I remember not wanting to care for my children at all. Ask for the help or others think you are strong. Tell them simply that you are having problems and need help.

I knew a friend whose husband was in a relationship w/ow all the years of all 3 births of her children and even got the other woman pregnant twice (one abortion and one miscarry), they even bought a condo together and this man came out of the fog and back home. hang in there.

my heart goes out to you again. But as I said earlier, you can really get through this and win in the end.

maria
p.s. don't forget about the power of prayer.

I want to tell the OW's husband but I'm afraid that my husband will be so angry that he'll try to hurt us even more (like in financial matters). I'm trying very hard to be civil to him and asked him to come to marriage counselling to figure out how to deal with the kids. He agreed to come.

Funny, he wouldn't even hear of it a few months ago before this all begun. I feel that if he broke off the affair in the next couple of weeks, living separately for a long time, working through extensive marriage counselling, I may ask him to come home. I just don't know. I know that a secure home is where the kids need to grow up but I don't know if I can find it in my heart to forgive and forget.

I'm on a major rollercoaster ride.....I cry, I'm completely rational, I'm in anguish, I cry.....

I actually feel like my oldest, wonderful daughter is taking care of me...She made pancakes for the younger ones tonight for dinner. I also feel like abandoning the kids and bury myself in grief....

Hope this heals with time....right now it feels like it never will.....

Mag

Maria,
Your story sounds sooo much like mine....right down to the e-mail, calls, and a few romantic overnight 'businesstrips'.

What did you do? How did you cope with all the pain? I just feel that he has robbed us of our future and I have no place to go....

Mag

I feel a sense of victory......I found her.....I searched the professional engineers association in my province and found her....also her husband (who is an engineer and bears the same name as my H..Doug)

I feel a sense of power with this information. Like I hold the destiny of her marriage, her children in my hands. I'm scared. Is phoning him really the right thing to do. I guess I'm also worried that my husband will think it's a vindictive and spiteful act and hate me for it. Of course I hate him for what he did also.....

If I decide to phone, it'll be tomorrow but I'm terrified to do it, terrified of his reaction and terrified of the consequences.

Mag

MW -
I have the same story too. And I remember how comforting it was to hear that others have "been there" so let me tell you that my H said the same stuff. (I have to confess that I am divorced now - you will see it in my signature line - but that does not mean you will be! And - if you were to read my recent posts, you would see how my H has HUGE regrets now, wishes he had never left - wants his family back, etc.)
anyway - similarities:
My H was my best friend. We did everything together. We were supposed to retire, and tour the country in a motor home visitng all the baseball parks. The OW was also married- also had 2 kids. She actually seperated from her H 3 weeks before I found out, so I did not need to tell him. But, I remember the day he called me. My H has been gone for about a month. Her H called me just to talk,and at the time I had been crying, missing my best friend. I couldn't even watch baseball anymore, because it reminded me of him. Her H had been through the same stuff.

Lets see if you recognize any of the stuff I heard from my WH:
1. She is exactly like me - she is more athletic than you are, and you know how much I like to play sports. (this from a 42 year old man who never played sports in high school)
2. I have to believe that God meant for us to be together - otherwise, why else would he have brought her into my life.
3. I just love her so much. Followed by -she loves me more than you ever could.
4. Everything will be the same around here - I will still help out around the house like I always did, I just won't live here anymore.
5. She is really a very nice person - if you would just tell the boys she is ok - then they would be all right.
6. This is the worst to me - he told our two boys, when I was not home, he said to them "guys, I am happier than I have ever been in my life - surely you two would not begrudge me this chance for happiness"
7. Day one he said to me: I have never been un-happy with you - I am just happier with her.
two weeks later he changed to: I have not been happy for several years now. Finally, he started telling everyone that he "has been miserable the whole time - all 18 years." That was when I started to understand what the "fog" was all about. He was NOT miserable. I was there. I know better.
8. When I asked him where in the world he was going to live he said "I don't know - I will cross that bridge when I get to it." Guess where he stayed in the beginning - his moms. She was alone, and he was able to help her out around the house. Sound familiar???
Now he tells me that he realizes she was just telling him everything he wanted to hear - pushing all the right buttons - to get him to be with her. Turns out that she wanted to leave her H, but needed someone else to drive the "getaway car" She needed someone else to pay half the bills, and do the chores. When she got tired of him, she kicked him out.
And I felt all the same emotions you do - he has cheated on me, and I am the one who is miserable, while he has HER to comfort him, to help him around the house, to go out to dinner with.
The one bit of advice I will give you, that I don't see on here yet, is this: Read Read Read
It is helpful.
Read: Survivng an Affair, and Divorce Busters, and When one of you wants to leave. go to the christian bookstore and buy every book you can on saving your marriage. Also, buy "When a Woman prays"
Everyone told me to read all these books, but I was afraid to even buy them. it took me a while to get up the nerve. I know you are scared. Get over it - get to the bookstore and start reading. Now is the time to figure out your plan.
There is a lot of hope. You CAN save your marriage. it is important for you to see that your H is following the same script that all wayward spouses follow. You need to see what is written in the script next so it doesn't take you by surprise. There will be some hard times ahead - but for your long term future it will be best for his relationship to die out.
I am glad that he has argreed to MC - but please be prepared. He may be thinking that he is only going to make it easier for you to "get over it". You may go into it thinking that he wants to work on the M, and he may have another agenda. That does not mean it is over - that just means he is following the script.
And pray. Get on your knees, and pray out loud.
Finally, do get counseling, and do take the meds. It is not a sign of weekness to take Anti -D's. It is a strong person who pulls themself up,and does what they have to do to be healthy. the meds will not take away the pain, they will just make it bearable. That is ok.
I would love for this to go away in a couple of weeks, but it may not. Thats ok too. You want his relationship with this two-bit-homewrecker to die out. You want him to see that she is not the perfect woman she portrays herself to be. And you all ready know that she is not - you said it yourself - look at what she has done! What kind of woman would break up a home like that?
Soon into my experience a woman called me. A friend from church asked her to call me. She had been here too. I would call her in those moments when I was freaking out. When he would say something that left me feeling like "this is it! He is filing for D right away" and she would say "oh yeah, I heard that crap too, doesn't mean anything" her husband came back after 6 months, and they are together today.
Ok, one more thing. Now that my ex H is out of the fog, he told me that so many people tried to tell him, in the beginning, that this relationship with the OW would not work out. That it was just a fantasy, and it would fizzle, and he would end up with nothing. The other day I asked him what he had to say about that now and he said "I didn't beleive them. I figured that I was different, that they did not know her, that every sitatuon was different, and mine would be fine. It turns out it wasn't any different - it went exactly the way everyone said it would. exactly."
People will start to reach out to your H - let them. it may have an impact. You will be scared for people to find out - its ok. He may start getting angry - and taking it out on you. He has not thought this through. He thinks people will just "get over it" but when they start to get mad at him,and turn away from him, he will need some one to blame. guess who is the likely target? You. as you have said - he has not thought this through. He is not prepared for the reaction from friends and family. he isn't going to like it much.
Keep posting.My heart aches for you. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mw:
<strong>If I decide to phone, it'll be tomorrow but I'm terrified to do it, terrified of his reaction and terrified of the consequences.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you don't phone, aren't the consequences of that pretty clear already? - you continue to be miserable, the kids eat pancakes every night, and the affair continues unabatted.

You HAVE to blow this thing open! If you don't reveal the affair to OW's H, you will have become a willing participant in its secrecy.

Yep, the affairees will be mad as hell and you will be the scourge of the earth. Count on it. But you will have done the right thing and the ONLY thing you can to directly end this madness sooner rather than later.

WAT

<small>[ July 15, 2004, 06:06 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Mag,

Where do you live? I wish I lived close enough to keep your kids for you so you could go and scream somewhere. I live in Toledo, OH.

I did so many things....to answer you. I had just gone to a womans church retreat 1.5 weeks before finding out. I know I received the gift of the holy spirit during that weekend so I could deal with what was coming down the pike. I had not had a relationship w/God in my life for so long. When I found out, I had to leave town because my husband's retreat which I never thought he would agree to go to was that weekend and I needed him to still go. I went to my mom's and pretended my grandma was sick so my H wouldn't be suspisious. He finally got suspisious because like I said I found out he day b4 my bday and so he came up and confessed. But somehow, I had instant love and forgiveness. I was told about handing control over my life to God and letting him direct my path. I went to my old church I grew up in and cried and screamed and threw the pile of crap in his lap and said here you deal with it.

I had already a great therapist because my oldest needed help awhile back. I also continued on in my church group and started bible study. Marriage builders was my bible for awhile....I studied it inside and out and my husband agreed to do the same. If I had marriage builders years ago, I wouldn't have been in this mess now. I also knew one friend who's H was the one I told you about having an affair all through the births of his children, she and I had coffee and talked. BUT, I mostly read, read read, marriage builders, bible and a book on forgiveness....... As this was a huge wake up call for me. God didn't let it happen to me, he prepared me for what was coming. I now walk with God. If we do not forgive, how can we expect God to forgive us? He gave his only son for us......

You should be aware that it is normal to feel the emotional rollercoaster. I was too "ok" in the beginning and crashed about 2 months out. I have learned about the valley's and mountain tops. I can't always be on the top of the mountain, I grow in the valley. There were some really great people who helped me out here on Marriage builders. I actually kept their replies and read them when I am sad. There is a way to look at the history of postings someone has replied to....you could always look at my postings and see some of the replies I got.

My husband luckily had the same experience at his retreat and we are both walking with God. The only difference in my story than yours, my husband had just broken up w/ow and she ran home and told her husband that she didn't love him and didn't want him. Therefore, Ow's H called me. OW thought I would run, and just to spite her, I didn't, I sat tight. She would not succeed in getting me to leave. She emailed my husband again recently I think to see if I had left him. BUT, I am not going anywhere, I am staying. I worked to hard in my life to get where I am and I was not going to throw it all away.

My husband and I went on a weekend trip alone shortly after finding out. The love was immediate and so much physical.....never really bothered me then.....bothers me a little more now than then......but the weekend was good w/no kids to pull at us.

We also run my families business together, so we really had a lot at stake. Not just one of our job's but both of our jobs. I was wacko and missed alot of work.....do you work outside the home?

You need to remember that you did not do this, your husband did. When he is angry with you about calling, tell him you felt you had a moral obligation to do so.....In marriage builders there is a agreement of radical honesty. If you get your H to read w/you, you need to tell him how you are feeling. Tell him you are going to call the ow's husband, just don't know when. That way he can't be mad at you. Remember they are your feelings and you own them!

Be strong Mag. Email me if you want at maria@clauspersonnel.com.

p.s.
If the other woman calls you, tell her that you never want to hear from her again or you will call the police for her harassment.

THEN

read agreement of no contact after an affair.....