This is my first posting.

My Dday was Memorial Day 2004.

I discovered emails on her account from the Om, one of them bragging about finding her "G" spot! (ouch) He lives 350 miles away in another state. Her emails to him said "I love you...etc." The last one was sent the day before Dday, telling him to call her when he got to work. (she was home alone, I work, she doesn't)

Confronted her. She met him in a chat room 2 1/2 years ago! They then started calling and then did meet "early last year" (so she says) to make the Emotional A a Physical A. They would meet at different hotels in the city maybe once every month..or two.(sss) He would take vacation days and fly in. (she is very reluctant to give any of these kind of details. She tells me all about him, his wife, and that the wife found out 6 months ago, called my wife, and threatened to call me and tell...God, I wish she had!)

I checked her phone bills. (never thought to check them before, all online) They would talk every day sometimes up to 3 hours. As soon as I left the house she would call him. She enjoyed talking to him and he to her. They got real close talking to each other, etc.

So, anyway, she wants to stay with me and told Om (43, she is 51) that it was over on the Dday. He did call about a week later and she told me. I called him and told him "my wife said the ahole called" and then told him not to call again. There has been no contact that I know of. I do check the phone bills. She cancelled the aol buddy list mailbox thing she had, so there are no emails. I check her other email site.

I did not have a f***ing clue!
She told no one, and no one knows but me, her, the Om and our therapist. And the Om's wife (and whoever she told)! The sex had dropped off, but I thought it was the menopause she was going through, plus her mother is dying of cancer which became evident about 2 1/2 years ago! Our therapist asked what she would miss from the Om and she blurted out the SEX! My testicles disappeared somewhere up around my belly button when I heard that. So she is having this passionate sex that comes with the PA's and I'm using the hand crank.

My problem is I vacilate between staying or going.
And the movies in my head.
And the 2 1/2 years of secrets, that she is reluctant to tell.

She actually said she felt like I was interogating her like her dad did when she was dating. Plus she said she does not want to tarnish what they had together....even though it is over, it was a special thing and they truly had feelings for each other.

What do I say to this?? I have read the books and the websites and it has been said that the WS must confess all. How much is all? How much detail do I want?

Can, and will, it get better?
I now know what depression is, and it pisses me off!

Sorry to ramble but I think I feel better now. Thanks for listening.

krusht-

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Oh my gosh, you still have your sense of humor. I spewed my coke all over the computer screen!

Jump on over to general questions, as there is more traffic there. And there are lots of men right now, going through the same thing you are.

Also go into Plan A. Read all about it on the link in my signature line.

Krusht,,
Tell your wife that there is no textbook way for you to react to her affair. You are a Man in Love with your wife. Your wife has inflicted you with the most pain you can ever feel as a Man.
I never coped very well with the death of some of my closest family and friends. Now that I have felt the pain of a cheating wife there is no comparison. No friend, or relative can hurt you like the wife you love.
You can believe me on this, you will need the whole truth of your wifes affair before you can attempt to heal. Right now I would bet you are in shock. Your mind asking all these questions that only your wife can answer. Man I know how you feel, I refused to accept that my wife simply made a bad decision. I felt like our whole Marriage was a fluke,, the birth of our children, the oath at the alter,, I reflected on all of that. Do not feel like you are a bad husband just because you never noticed the affair, I was tipped off by a co worker who saw my wife and Other Man together. I did not have a clue either. Affairs are very concealed.
I sat with my wife,,, I asked her if she loved me. I asked her if she wished to remain married to me. She said YES. I proceeded to ask her about her affair to try to get some sort of understanding why she did what she did. All I got was I DONT KNOW,,, I WAS STUPID. I continued to ask her to tell me how she met the Other man how she was dooped by him. All to no avail. Then a month later she sits me down and says she is ready to confess her lies and details of the affair. She said she wanted all of her lies to be revealed,,, "You deserve to know" she said. She spilled out all of the lies and details of her affair. I was crushed. It hurt so bad to hear the truth, but it had to be done no stone can be left unturned all has to be revealed before you can truly look towards the thought of forgiveness.
In time your wife should realize this. It is just so hard for her to hurt you anymore than she allready has. The truth can be disgusting and hard to confess. I truly think your wife feels like mine did. She does not want to face her betrayal. It will take alot of explaining and talking to make her understand you need her confession. Take it slow.
Try to remain calm when discussing her affair. It's not easy but you deserve to know about the full affair.
Set up some counseling, get on some medication to help you through all of this. Talk to some of the wayward wives on this site for thier perspective. All has helped me get myself in the state of mind so that I can concentrate on forgiveness.
keep posting in the general questions forum.
There are so many who have been in your shoes and are currently happily reconciled with thier cheating spouse.
stay strong avoid hasty decisions.
All of my sympathy and understanding is with you.

Krusht,

I am sorry for the pain you and your spouse are experiencing. My story is similar to yours. With tenacity and diligence your marriage can not only survive but can be better than ever.

You asked about details. I was hungry for details even though my wife’s e-mails were very descriptive. I obsessed about details. Initially my wife refused to share much information because she did not feel safe talking with me about it. When she did start to share I would use that information to punish both her and myself. It became a nasty circle…..safety…..sharing….punishment.…rebuilding safety….on and on and on.

It was not until my therapist recommended that I give serious thought about the relevance of details and always ask myself “Is this particular information relevant to healing my marriage?”, “Do I truly need this information to heal?”. I began to feel better using this strategy and my wife began to feel safer. It was very difficult to stick with this strategy and took me months to be consistent with it. It paid off tremendously because it made genuine communication a possibility.

Be prepared for the grieving process (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance). Understanding the process was a huge help to me as was knowing that I was not alone in my struggles.

Decide what you want, make a plan, get professional help, then fight like hell. If you want to talk feel free to send me an e-mail.

Gentlemen,
Thanks so much for your responses. I will jump over to the general questions.

I did speak to my W concerning what I thought I heard about the "not wanting to tarnish the relationship...etc" and she said that was not what she meant. I think what she was trying to say was that she had deep feelings for him because of the emails and phone conversations so that is the only reason the sex occurred.

Don't know if that helped, but at least those feelings don't still exist as strongly.

She is very remorsefull and cries and really wants us to survive.

I have some questions and will check out the general questions.

Thanks again