First off, my knowledge of acronyms on here is poor, so bear with me.
My story:
wife of 4 years, we have 2yr10mth twins, boy and girl, two cats a dog and a white picket fence (well, a deck that needs to be stained).
My wife started falling in love with another man 3/6 months ago. The relationship turned physical at her insistence (according to her). She did not come home the Friday night b4 fathers day (thanks honey) and spilled the beans Saturday morning. The kicker is she is pregnent (the condom broke). She still loves him (only feels passion for him, but still loves me, just no passion Grrrrrrrr)
She is not being nice. I did not kick her out (she decided against my wishs to stay at her moms) and she does not want to be around me because of all the crying I do. I have stopped most of the crying. Most.
Why do I have to let her figure it out? Why not go right to plan B? I may have screwed up the marriage, but I do not understand why I still have to worry about not hurting her when she drove a 2" drill bit into my chest and is standing there with another mans baby in her not even trying to clean up the bloody mess!
On a side note I have come to some conclusions:
I now know that I loved her more than I thought.
I now know that my family loves me more than I thought.
I have decided to work on my emotional happyness (sp?) and will come out of this a happier and better person.
But why do I have to take the high road? I believe in no God, but even the bible says an eye for an eye!!! I do not want to hurt her, but I bet it would make me feel good for a while, and I could use the break.

can this help?

CTH

I'm a fww (former wayward wife) so I can give some insights into parts of this mess. Your W (wife) is in a real fog which is complicated with being pregnant. The condom broke..I don't think so....most WW do not think about birth control, we are too heavy into the fantasy to approach the sex so thoughtfully. I think she just messed up or wanted to 'bind' the OM (Other Man) to her. Just my opinion -(JMO) of course from my own thinking of the time, I may be way off track.

So you are saying why should you have to do anything to get your W out of her fantasy?
Well you don't.
You CAN divorce her & use her actions to fight for child custody, perhaps win it...vaild moral option, she cheated on you. Valid for my H too if he wants to. No arguement.

However, do you WANT to try to save your M even with a perhaps small chance of success at best?
If yes, then you have to follow some strategy to get your wife to WANT to come back to you.
Thats why you should follow PLAN A or B, no other reason. Whatever plan WILL work in your circumstances.

I suggest you get phone counselling here or professional marriage counselling somewhere BEFORE you decide what will work for you. You may not be ABLE to do Plan A right now the way you feel. But pls get some advice.

Can you or are you prepared to give some some more info? This may help you get a lot of good advice from very experienced people here.
Things like is the OM married? If so can you contact his wife?
Exposure kills affairs
Are your children with you or your wife?
Is the affair (A) still ongoing?
etc
etc

I know this must be like someone who you trusted with your life suddenly stabbing you with a knife right through the heart, your very soul. I am just coming to realise what I have done to my H so I do realise the pain, but I can never FEEL it like my H or you of course.

All these things she is saying to you are classic WW in fog things. I am so embarassed what I said to my H now that I know what is real again. Think of your W as suffering a mental break down in reasoning, ignore her hurtful comments, do not reply to them now even though you may want to yell & scream at her. She wants to justify her actions by degrading you, saying you cry to much etc etc, more to come this way so IGNORE it.
She will want to blame YOU for her actions. Don't buy into that by insult for insult, hurt for hurt.

Well I could go on for ages but pls reply with more info if you can as this will help direct the more experienced people here. I hope I have helped in some way and when you have decided which way you want to go, then there is a site for those spouses who have got pregnant or got the OW pregnant here and they may also be also able to help you through this most terrible time.
Come to both if it helps.

I so wish you well and will pray for you.

CL

<small>[ July 13, 2004, 07:00 AM: Message edited by: crazedlove ]</small>

canthishelp,,,

I am sorry for this horrible situation your wife has put you in.
My wife had a 2 month sexual affair about 3 months ago. It has totaly changed the kind of man I was. A life altering event , if you will.
Even though my wife had sex about every other day with her OM, and sometimes come home and give me the sloppy seconds,,,,,,, I know I cannot fully reflect on your feelings. Yes my wife put me through the worst pain in my life, but I do not have her coming home telling me she is pregnant by an outsider.
Please seek professional counseling, get on medication, talk and vent your feelings to all the wonderful people here.
Do you wish to stay married? Don't answer that question until 6 months or even a year from now! Right now focus on your health and your state of mind. It will take a good amount of time before you are prepared to make any good decisions about your marriage, weather you choose to save it or end it,, give it some time.
My thoughts and my prayers go out to you,,, be strong.

Plan A was the hardest thing I have ever done. Like someone else said, it's not for wimps! But I kept hearing how Ms could be recovered and made even better than before the A, so I tried it.

I admit I sucked at Plan A. I LB'd at least once a week, but in between those times, something miraculous happened. I would *force* myself to do something nice for FWS. Then he would want to do something nice for me, then that made me want to do something else nice for him. I just couldn't believe it.

The plans here work in ending an A and rebuilding an M, if you are willing to do it.

But I don't deny, it is a horrible time for a BS. We are trying to meet someone else's needs while not getting any of ours met. That's why you need a good support system. If don't have friends that will support trying to save your M, then post here.

This site was my lifeline. I would lose hope for our M and I'd pop on here and someone would throw a lifesaver. And I'd get the strength to Plan A a little longer.

I spent 4 1/2 excruciating months in Plan A, but the A ended and we are rebuilding. If someone told me that my FWS could change after the A, I wouldn't have believed them, but it's happened.

You have to understand, though, that Plan A is also about you. It is time to take care of yourself, time to think about your life, and what you want out of your M.

Please post in the pregnancy forum. I've actually heard people say that it might be easier for A's to end when there is a baby involved.

Thanks for you advice. I especially like to hear from the former WS. My wife tells me that she does not know if she wants to stay M or not. I think she is still liying to me, the last time she spoke to OM she told me he called her, but the cell phone records tell a differant story <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> .

I am getting pro advice, meet once a week. My WS wants the OM to be involed in the preg., i.e. doctor visits, birth prep class' all that jazz. I can see why, but then the affair does not end and I die a slow and painfull death (metaphorically speaking)

The OM wants to be involved in the preg (even left her some $ for vitiams (sp?) and started a 'baby fund') He is not married, lives with his mom and has a dead end job ... but (according to WS) has such a good future, left a job 5 yrs ago to 'find himself in CA (we are in NY state), did so, came back to NY and should be getting the job back making huge $$$.

In answer to some questions:
A (at least I think) is over sexually, but they still see each other @ work.
Many people know about the A.
She is staying at the house now, I travel for work (will be chainging soon) so we both take care of our wonderfull twins.

My problem is that I am not getting enough from her to make me believe that she is willing to try.

I do know this, I want more than (almost anything, see below) anything for my marriage to work with my wife and live happylly ever after. Or at least as happy as I can be.

I want my wife to love me and I want to love her. I sung her the Cheap Trick song 24 hrs before D-Day 'I want you to want me, I need you to need me, I am beggin you to beg for me' That is still true.

The only thing I want more then above, is for me to stop feeling pain all the time. It has been a month and I feel 20 years older.

I am just shot, I feel like a person that has been beating so much they think its the way things should be, that pain is the normal and the few shots of happy I get, I do not deserve.

Please respond with any advice. I am going to copy my two posts on preg and see what else I can get. thanks in advance for any response.

Yikes! Usually it is advised that the betrayed spouse start in Plan A. See the link on my signature line.

However the pregnancy might change this. I just can't see OM and your wife happily involved in the pregnancy while she is married to you. Yuck. I think you will get more help on the pregnancy board.

canthishelp,

It seems to me that guilt plays strange games with the mind. After four years, the "butterflies" (the "passion" of being in love) faded but the love for you as a person and spouse did not. Excitement was found elsewhere, as sometimes happens and she found herself giving in.

Now, facing the reality of the situation, she's pregnant, compounding her fear and confusion. I imagine her guilt is torturing her in ways she hadn't imagined. You beating yourself up won't help her (or you), I promise you that.

It sounds like you still love her and would love nothing more right now than to click a huge "undo" button on a short part of your life together. Of course, we all know we can't do that. I will tell you that forgiveness comes easier than forgetfulness and she needs to know that. You'll neither one ever forget but you can both forgive (you forgive her and she forgive herself).

It is important that you both understand why she found passion outside the marriage. It is equally important that you tell her and show her every day that you love her. This will help the process of rebuilding the marriage and keeping it together in the future.

The baby isn't going anywhere (I assume), so that's also something you need to come to terms with together. How much involvement (if any) the OM gets will or should be up to the two of you. Personally, I'd do my best to leave him totally out of it and raise the kid as a couple if at all possible.

If at all possible, she needs physical distance from OM. That may mean transfer or change jobs if she can. Having the OM around, especially when others know, will only further complicate the situation.

Affairs happen. Like train wrecks and other horrific accidents, they're ugly and messy and about as well planned. The difference is that they don't have to end lives or marriages.

You can do it if you both want to. Counseling can help a lot. I generally recommend faith-based counselors such as a pastor with a long enduring marriage of his own, but I understand you may prefer a licensed counselor so that's worth considering.

By the way, "...eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot..." from Exodus 21:24 is an admonishment for governmental fairness and restraint in retaliation, not a guide for individual conduct. A more appropriate passage in this case may be, "You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.' But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also" (Matthew 5:38-39), a reminder to the individual to give another chance when wronged or hurt by another.

Best wishes,

Bob

bob,

Thanks for that post, it helped alot. I know that hurting her will only make the long run worse, but the only things she will see me for are the things she still loves about me (the money, the stability...) not the passion. I try hold her and and she re-coils like I am a leper. I try to put my arm around her for a picture, she visible cringes and moves further away from me.

She has told me that she wants Ron omlette (both are names are ron) with parts of me and parts of him. At least I am part of it.

I would love to be in love with a woman that loved me who is my wife.

But she is lying, I am catching her and not confronting her. THat is REAL hard.

I would love to see the OM out of the picture, but she will not have it. I do not think I will trust her decision to either stay w/me or him while we are both in the picture. I guess I have to wait till plan B to get one of us out of the picture for sure. I hope I can make it that long.

Regarding faith based counseling, I have exposed myself to a few and whenever I run into fear or guilt as a method of keeping faith, I get turned off. So far, the only one thing I have found that does not use either of those as a method is Taoism. Which isn't really a faith.

Thank you for correcting my mis-interpritation of the bible quote, I read it so long ago that I obviously took it out of context, sorry for that.

I was really sorry to hear about the pregnancy with the OM, I suppose it IS the OM's??? No doubt??? I was sort of hoping it could be yours.

I feel for you with this pain of betrayal it is probably the worst anyone can do to a spouse, man or woman, it's complete, utter devastation.

You see, having a child usually changes things a lot. I mean just think back to the way your life changed when the twins were born.
I have spoken to a few peoplw who went through this and unfortunately, their M failed.
The W spouse just could not commit. By the time some did it was too late, the BS had left them didn't want them back. Just all too sad.

Well I guess you are facing the really tough choice now because I have to say that based on your further comments, your WW is 'using' you I'm afraid in MHO.

Your W is NOT considering the consequences of her actions right now, why should she, she has TWO men looking after her, paying the bills etc etc, and getting her EN's meet by the two of you.

That is a WS heaven I'm sorry to say. Been there.
Hell is just a step ahead for most of us Ws but we learn too late.

Well I suppose it is you who has to decide now what to do because your W is not serious about it if she wants the OM involved. All the FWS I have spoken to agree even with a OC there must be no contact with the OM, even going to some lengths to have another person be there if they have any visiting rights instead of themselves.

Very very few OM can ever be involved much in the OC life unless the spouses agree and want that or the M will end. It's as terrible and simple as that.

Are you both going to MC or a IC??? I really think you both need it to be able to get through this together. I can't see how you could survive as a couple if this continues like it does with a baby added in to the mix.

A lot of comment is made that A end more quickly with a pregnancy, from my observations that can be true but usually it's because the WS is shocked into reality and wants to repair the damage no matter how long it takes, but I also have to say pregnancy also seems to end M very qickly too.

What I am trying to say in a very clumsy way is that you have a hard road ahead. If you want it to work you are going to have to have a plan and stick to it, not be too eager to patch everything up at once, false reunions are a real killer from what I have seen.

Anger, resentment, maybe hate at times, the things my H will face with me once he is back, you will have to face as well. Both inside of you and from your WS. We love to blame everyone but ourselves.

If you would like you could email me and ask a question, perhaps there is something I could help you with from my perspective that may help you....just let me know your email or if you are happy to ask here I'll try to give as honest an ans as I can. What ever is easy for you.

Have you thought about getting help here from the harleys? A lot of people have said it was so helpful deciding what plan to use and how to use it in their circumstances.

I do so hope it will all work out as you want.

regards

<small>[ July 17, 2004, 04:06 PM: Message edited by: crazedlove ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by canthishelp:
<strong>She has told me that she wants Ron omlette (both are names are ron) with parts of me and parts of him. At least I am part of it.
[...]
I would love to see the OM out of the picture, but she will not have it.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ron,

You definitely have a long road ahead and persistence/perseverance are going to prove important.

I have to agree with CrazedLove:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your W is NOT considering the consequences of her actions right now, why should she, she has TWO men looking after her, paying the bills etc etc, and getting her EN's meet by the two of you.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Plan A is the place to start (keeping in mind that it's a two-way street of civility) and failing that, Plan B. If she will visit this site, that may be a good start. I know you're already familiar with Plan A/B... but here's a link for quick reference: Plan A & Plan B

I highly recommend the book, His Needs, Her Needs. It was one of the most important books a friend of mine could give me at a time when I didn't realize there was a problem.

The "passion" in your marriage faded some time ago and that's where the OM came in. It won't come back on its own and it won't come back immediately but it CAN come back (and will vary in intensity from day to day). She needs to know this, too.

There was a reason you fell in love with each other. You can't necessarily go back to where you started and hope for fireworks, but you can remember those reasons and build new reasons on fond memories.

Best wishes,

Bob

<small>[ July 18, 2004, 05:03 AM: Message edited by: bob2000 ]</small>

Thanks again for all the help. I have some new developments I wanted to share.

She told me she loves and wants about 75% of me. I was told that she thought I would leave her when the A was found out. She and the OM figured that the M would end as soon as the A was out and they would start working on there relationship. The OM thought me and the wife were getting counseling for divore/seperation not exploration (or whatever you call plan A) and that they (the OM and WW) would be getting counseling for how they could be together. He wants to marry her and raise the OC. (I guess there is about a 0.001% chance its mine, but my W knows her cycle real well, so we doubt it)

I have been telling her she does not get two men, only one. I can't imagine what pain she is in. According to her, me and the OM are alot alike, so when I asked her if she thought he would do the same thing to her, she said she had.

I know she is afraid to leave me, unfortunatly, she is afraid because I have a good job and she does not know how she would support herself. Even though I support her now, she thinks it would be wrong to support her if we seperated. I am going to stop telling her I would.

In my twisted little mind, the OC is nothing more than an extension of the A. The fact that she fell in love and had sex w/another man is what kills me.

The fact that she is now P is only a result of the problem. If I come to terms with one (the A), I have to with the other (the OC). I cannot and would not be resentfull towards the kid, he (or she or them) had nothing to do with the A. I know I have enough love to go around. My W knows thats how I feel. She does not think the OM should be out of the kids life and neither do I, just out of our lives. I want to call him and ask him to leave us alone, but if my W does not want that, the gesture would be hollow.

I see glimers of hope when we talk. We can make jokes about it (sometimes) and I think she actually wanted a kiss goodbye this morning (that was a VERY big thing for us before the A). I am so afraid that if we get back together, we will end up in the same spot, but I just cannot throw away the past. Yet.

When she leaves the house, I go nuts. She gets mad when I call to see whats going on.

Thanks again for your help, and I may take crazedlove up on the email, but for now this is OK.

I do not think my W will come onto this board. I am going to suggest it in a week or so.

BTW, we are in marriage counseling with a guy who believes whole-hartedly in this method.

Thanks again.

canthishelp,

Our situation is much different but much the same when I think about how I initially felt once she confessed, that's when things took a nose dive because for the first time I realized it had actually happened sparing the details. One thing that I noticed that you said that really caught me was your statement that you believe in no God.

I think that as someone would say to me I should say to you, God helps whether you believe or not and maybe now is the time that you seek that help.

I have so much sympathy for you because of the situation you are in and I can't imagine how I would feel if my spouse had become pregnant by the OM, I mean I would flip a lip on that and probably end up in jail, so one thing I need to tell you is while you are beating yourself up (she's not, you are) remember every day how strong you actually are going through this and not resorting to the easy things that go through your head that would provide you with such relief, seemingly, as in, getting even.

You have to realize that no matter what situation you are in there is a God based philosophy of good or evil, right or wrong, it's the feeling you get when you're about to run a red light, that's about as simple as I can make it. On one hand, maybe you run that red light, nothing happens, but the possibility is out there that running that red light is going to A) get you in trouble with the law, or B) get you or your children seriously hurt.

Think of the affair, as your stop light and stop, stop and think, there are right things that you know you should do for you and your children's safety and there are things that you shouldn't do because the simple "stress-relievers" that the devil (bad) can provide to you can and often do snowball into greater things.

You know I was asking myself this morning while, well it doesn't matter what I was doing, Cha-Cha-Cha Charmin, why all of these people that say Plan A work are still on MB and I now realize that it's because after surviving one of the hardest things that man has dealt with (love and loss) you really, really want to share with other people your experiences whether they are new or not.

I really do hope and pray that you will seek counsel of the church even in your own way and find the voice that has enlightened millions of hearts and minds, it is strength now that you need more than anything and strength is easily given when you know why you need it, so when you look at your twins in the morning or before their bedtime see their strength and draw from it.

You are blessed now with an opportunity to be a much better man than you ever thought you could be.

Good Luck.

Betrayed Husband,
Thank you for the kind words and support.

While I doubt that belief in an omnipotent being that observes suffering and does nothing about it will help me, I do think that having the conviction to choose right over wrong will.

I believe that the right thing to do is to wait until I come to terms with my situation and try to make a decision with my wife as to our future. We are both (so I have been told) in a fog and not thinking clearly. I would like nothing more than my wife to love me, but through her actions and words, I am coming to believe that she does not want that.

But, since she tells me that she does not know what she wants, I am in a bit of a bind.

She went to the Doctor today for her first ultrasound. The Mid-wife did not see anything, so a surgical ultrasound was done a few hours later. That showed a growing fetus at about 4-5 weeks. Counting backwards, that is to the day of the 'condom break'. The OM went w/my W to the first visit, but not the second. I was out of the country for the day.

She still thinks the best thing to do is to seperate and be apart. But only a little, she still wants to see me, just not live w/me.

This is so hard.

Since my job will soon be moving me into another state, she may get what she wants.

Why doesn't she still respect our marriage? Why is it so important that she helps herself and not us? How can I convince her that we are stronger than either one of us alone?

I still want my marriage to work out. I hope she does too.

Thanks again for all the support. They say misery loves company, and they are right. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I just want to be able to live my life and be happy.

canthishelp,

I respect your beliefs but have to say that I think that it's on all of us to prevent the suffering that you speak of but too many people don't have the courage (or energy) to do so.

I think that you are honestly handling your situation very well and that you'll end up being fine in all of this. Hopefully sooner than later but as they have taught me on here, we are not really working on a timetable here with deadlines, it takes patience and perserverance.

As far as moving to another state, you and I both know the problems that distance alone can cause, you would hope that it never would but some people have physical needs that they can't control. I see that as one of the catalysts to my wife's affair, just the physical needs she had that I couldn't fulfill, God Bless me if I could have, but it just wasn't possible.

I think that I'll leave you alone though because you are doing good and much respect to you and for you.

Betrayed, thanks for the belief in me. Suddenly, it is more important to me then before. I know moving will be tough.

I have new news though. My W's P may be ending on its own. The doctors want to do a DNC tomorrow due to lack of hormonal growth (something along those lines) She wants to wait a few days so she can be sure it is over.

Well, she no longer has an excuse to see him if it is over.

But now she is in lots of pain. Losing a kid, even an illagitament one can't be easy for a woman. It ain't to easy on me.

I will keep you all posted.

I got some good advice from my brother last night. He suggested not to focus on the bad stuff and be gratefull for the good things in my life.

It helps. A lot.

cth

I am so sorry hear the pain you and family is going throu still. The loss of a child is so overwhelming I cannot fully put into words the way I felt. Your wife will probably feel some of the same, regardless of the circumstances of conception, a child is child is a child.

Pls be ready for some very hard times ahead if this is the case with your wifes P. I was so devastated that I actually had a breakdown during which time I had the A.
The self hatred and feeling of failure can be immense.
I also blamed my H for not being there, I truly believed I hated him at the time. Perhaps it is a time of mild insanity, my therapist and doctors believe it of my situation, my behaviour was approaching self destructive actions.

So much may depend on how your wife and you interact at this time. It seems very unfair I know that you have to take the responsibility of your WW actions, but that is the way it is now.

Your wifes feelings on this P can depend on so many things, desire to have a child, her faith & beliefs, the feelings for OM, for you, the actual confusion she has choosing between you. Yes it sucks I know.

I guess your hurt and anger is buried at the moment beneath the worries you have for your WW despite the circumstances, THAT concern does you great credit.
It must be so tempting at times to say F*** it she made her bed and now she can lay in it etc etc.... I would be the last to say that it is not a valid response, but you care I can really see that. My hope is that your WW will see that, will know where her real love is, with you, and turn to you.

Once you know the the sit with the P, once the initial issue has levelled off a bit you will need to look at the fence sitting your WW is doing. As harsh as it may sound right now, do you want a wife who stays with you because she is afraid to leave?? Surely there must be more to it than that? But I guess you need to deal with that a bit later.

I can only advise what I feel from my own exp and that is right now to be the one who provides the strength and love and compassion to your WW if the P is lost. perhaps if she sees the man she is giving up she will get off that fence and be willing to start working with you to save the M

I pray it will be better for you but there is a hard road ahead.