BH

I am a FWW whose H is also in the Army. I too did what your wife did for a full year. The PA was not that often but once is too much anyway.
I had a lot of reasons why I did it, the basic one being to hurt my H also. I had particular reasons for thinking that at the time, psychological based ones to be sure, but still ‘ crazy’ ones to me I now realise. I have had a lot of therapy to try & cope with those issues. I know how much I have hurt my H, I can’t feel what he does, that hurt & betrayal, the awful anguish I have caused him, especially when the OM was NOTHING near the man my H is ever.

My H has not yet got as far as you have, he has been deployed again for the 4th time so I hurry up and wait, keep logs of what I & the kids do, and of the A. I do that because he may want to know everything and I promised I would tell him no matter the shame it brings me to even think about it.

I read your story and in some ways it is like ours, different of course in some ways, but the basics are there. It is not unusual you know for us WS not to tell the truth right away and the BS having to draw it out like blood from a stone. I gave so many ridiculous stories to my H that he must of thought I was an complete insane idiot or else thought I assumed he was. I think your wife did not tell you the whole story for a number of reasons. Fear, shame, embarrassment, the whole gambit of emotions.

I also think she is remorseful, if she wasn’t she wouldn’t be pregnant with your child, and from your own previous postings YES I do think it is yours. I suspect she wanted a child to show you she wanted to have it all with you, the house, the picket fence so to speak etc, etc. I just think she is unable to say it. It may have been an accident but I don’t think so. I remember my own desperation and wild thoughts & plans I had to SAVE my M. Perhaps your W is feeling the same.

I know you do not trust her at all right now, I guess that’s natural, my H varied between almost hate and a reluctant love before he was deployed again recently. I have to earn his love & trust again, so will your wife with you. BUT you have to set the environment to allow her to share that shame and embarrassment AND pain. Your pain too.
I know because I haven’t got there yet with my H and I know what I need to be able to show, to explain to him everything I have done in my own words. I accept his anger, his resentment, his distrust, but I still need the ’safe’ environment to tell him myself all the details, horrible as they are, as painful as they will be to him, as much as HE wants to know.
Yes I am frightened of telling him, even though we went through it all with the therapist together, I still fear that talk. I fear loosing him. I fear loosing any respect he has left for me. I fear loosing his love for ever, I fear loosing the family unit we have with our kids. I’m sure your W feels the same BH.

What about ASKING , not telling, your W if she would go to MC WITH you. Perhaps invite her here and then show her the site if you have not already done so.
Be honest and say you are having so much trouble coping with the whole thing, of her not telling you the whole story, of YOUR doubts about the baby and that you want to work WITH her to understand this. I know you may want to yell at her, demand to know why, I think it’s a fair way to feel, but you may not get what you really want that way. Please consider that as I think you really do want a loving wife back who you can love too. I mean that’s the aim of all this isn’t it?

Well I hope you can work this through BH, you deserve the best after all you have been through. I’m NOT giving up on my H EVER and I hope he will not give up on me. Don’t you give up on your W, don't give up on the both of you.

Be well & love even when it hurts, I trust that God will help you find the strength to win your M back.

CL

I showed my wife this site and she read all of the posts that are on here but told me that she didn't feel like this site would be too supportive of her.

I am still waiting for her to actually talk to me honestly about everything that happened so I don't have to pry anymore and I told her last night that she may not be ready now but eventually it's something that is going to have to happen.

This is the worse feeling in the world. I'm convinced that it is, I've never felt anything that could even compare.

I guess to me that now that I've found out that she was lying to me the whole time I consider it like she hasn't done anything to try and I'll probably feel that way until she opens up a little bit and actually starts confiding in me like she confided in him. I don't feel like just staying here and acting like nothing happened is trying too hard so that is why I may be a little turned-off by the ideas in concept A where I should try so hard to show her love and affection. It's hard to do.

I honestly don't know if she'll ever visit this site unless I physically point her in its direction.

Well another day at work and another day to start all over I guess. We will get our first sonogram today, so that's exciting.

Is there an outline available to guide the talks between BS and WS about the A? Sort of a talking points sheet that can give them ways to communicate things that they may not know how to start?

Hi BH, I only have a few minutes here today. You might want to take heart in the fact that most, if not all (?) WSs don't spill ALL the beans at once. There are a lot of reasons for this and I don't have time to list them but your wife isn't doing anything unusual. I sometimes think that if BSs would just understand this it would be so much easier for them to deal with the frustration. Give it time.

As far as MB, you might want to point your wife to the WS postings such as Broken Vesssel, Runawaypot, Onlywords and of course LLG to name a few recent ones. It's not so much what they post but the advice they receive that makes the threads so strong. My H used to "threadbash" me with the threads he felt would explain how he felt as a BS. This only served to make me resistant to MB because I felt "ganged up" on. Finally he figured out the types of threads which were more productive in terms of grabbing my interest. Thank God for Chorus is all I can say!

Your first sonogram, how neat! This leads me to something I meant to say before. You should heed Harley's advice to spend time together doing fun things. (15 hours a week is his recommendation.) The point of this is to build memories together and so solidify the relationship. Give some thought as to how you can do this given your respective schedules.

You don't have kids (yet) so it should be quite a bit easier for you than H and I with four children to tear after on top of everything else. If we could do it, so can you. Make it a priority.

Taking charge of fun activities will draw your FWS closer to you (and you to her!) and make her understand that you care for her. She feels BAD about what she's done, so showing her mercy by letting her know you want to spend quality, non A related time with her, will do wonders to help her open up. When she feels safe, she will tell you all but most likely not before. Take care BH, don't lose hope, it's got to be one step at a time to get to your goal and I KNOW you can do this. KB