Has anyone heard this one?

My WS and I were discussing the usual subject last night and she asked "Don't you feel a little happiness for me that I was able to get my emotional needs met?"

I BEG YOUR PARDON?? I could truthfully say "Well darling, no I can't say that I feel any happiness that you found someone else to share you innermost thoughts and have passionate sex with"

SHE WAS BEING TOTALLY SINCERE WHEN SHE ASKED THAT.

She then threw a hypothetical at me saying, " If you were missing in action and they came and told me this, and I met someone else and was happy with that person, and then you came back and discovered this, wouldn't you be happy that I was with someone and was being taken care of?"

Of course, my mind went blank. I may have started laughing or crying, some emotion came out.

A little history:

She stopped working about 4 years ago. Because I was developing the business, she could. This made me feel good.

We used to ride to work together (45 minutes to an hour, CA freeways!) and talk and discuss, etc.

Now there was no communication. Plus I would come home exhausted and "always" fall asleep in the chair watching TV. She would want to discuss this or that or complain or start up some discussion and I would poo poo it or get irritated. Anyway...her needs were not being met by me. And I admit it. Remember she is home all day long, alone. We have no kids.

She tried to tell me how she felt, but I didn't hear her. It got so bad that she was going to leave me. (She should of, maybe that would get my attention.) But she did not want to leave me because she loved me. So she started going to chat rooms to meet people and get her communication. She emailed different men and women. Nothing sexual but just communication. She talked to a guy in Scotland, one in Florida, an accountant in New England and a woman in Arizona. Then she met the Om and they connected. The rest is sad history.

And what the hell was I doing all this time? Reading books or asleep in that chair!! I didn't know it at the time. I don't know what I thought, but I was an idiot. She should have left me. We then could have worked it out, without a PA hanging over us.

Sorry for the long history.

Anyway, her contention is that she is a human being and has a right to be happy. (her happiness is numero uno) She didn't want to leave me so she found her happiness elsewhere. Unfortunately it developed into a PA and she was caught up in the fog. The A did not make her happy, but stressed her out even more. This Om was a silver tongued devil. She said he knew her better than she knew herself. Then in the next breath she says what a manipulator he was. (He was married also)

Its funny, but after hearing her discussion last night, I did not tear up all day today. Maybe I just had a good day. But maybe I am realizing that my W has a different outlook on things. A little bit skewed from the norm.

Like I married Dharma.

Any thoughts will be appreciated.

Regards to you all,
K

<small>[ July 17, 2004, 01:22 AM: Message edited by: krusht ]</small>

Don't know what to say. Just wanted you to know I've read your post and I'm stumped. I know that's no help, but just wanted to let you know.

Michele

Krusht,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My WS and I were discussing the usual subject last night and she asked "Don't you feel a little happiness for me that I was able to get my emotional needs met?"
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My husband said something similar to this to me on D-Day. You should be happy I found someone that makes me happy. I would be happy for you. Now, 18 months later he can't begin to understand what he was thinking, he says he was not happy and it wouldn't have made him happy if I had found someone else. Ask her in a few months if she still feels the same way, I imagine she won't.

It sounds like your wife was lonely. She would wait for you to come home and you would fall asleep in front of the television. I understand you were probably tired but how do you think it made her feel? Do you think she felt desired? Wanted? Someone you wanted to connect with? It most likely hurt her a great deal and left her vulnerable to be sucked in by someone willing to tell her she was special.

I am not condoning her behavior by any means. But, if you want to repair your marriage the two of you need to figure out what went wrong and how you can both make changes to put you back on the path of a happy marriage. It sounds to me like she did what she did because she missed you and wanted you, but you weren't there, so she found a substitute. I realize you were out working for your business, so she could have a better life and there is nothing wrong with that, but it is hard to balance everything, isn't it? Is there a way to incorporate her into your business to allow you more time together?

You say that you used to spend time together when you commuted together. It sounds like you missed that. I bet she did too. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Good luck!
Cathy

BP,
I totally understand the reasoning. She has told me and the books have told me. We are both committed to repairing the M. Thanks for the reply, hopefully she will look back and say "What was I thinkin'" Should be a song there somewhere.

I apologize for posting this topic all over the place. I wanted to post it in general questions, but when I tried to move it, it posted again on the JFO BB.

K

Hi. I'm kind of on the flip side of that. I'm the one working while DH stays at home w/the kids. Has been that way for 5 or 6 years now. For the moment it's just better that way.

We met online, oh, 11 years ago now? He has had several online "dalliances". It's been tough. It's good y'all are committed to the M. We are, too. Sometimes it's the only thing that keeps us together as a couple.

I know DH and I have discussed each other's emotional needs. Some are easier met than others...for each of us.

Yes, we both have the right to be happy. But nobody gets all their needs met all the time, or as my son would interpret, "No one gets all the candy all the time."

Keep on workin' at it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />