I have been married for 4 years and have been seeing another married man for 2. My husband is a great guybut I think I married the wrong man. I ahve tried to talk, create intimacy but there have always been much strain and resentment on my part. I started seeing X about a a year and a half after I got married, it really initially was all about attraction and chemistry but it has over the past 2 and a half years developed in a very intense closeness. I never felt this way for my husband. He feels the same as he is in a similiar situation - married for about 9 years, they only recently had a child - he says it was because he was hesitant to make that final committment. The wife has just found out and wants to stay together because of the kid (can't argue with that). I feel we should respect that decision but part of me says that I should leave my husband and he his wife as I think this is the one. This is a relationship that has not started in honesty but I would like to make a fresh start. Or it is possible to rebuild my marriage when my feelings and my heart tell me it is not possible?

My humble opinion is that the child comes first. Move away from this guy and let him work on his M with W and child. Only if and when they can't make it work should you consider a future with him. This advice is also in your best interest. The chance of a relationship going the distance when it is so wrapped up with the destruction of a family is fairly low. So what ever you choose to do with current man is up to you but don't jump out of the fire into the frying pan.
S

OM says that he needs to at least (post discovery) give in to her wishes to try again. He wants to settle things somewhat (as their daughter is only 6 months old) before we do anything else. Part of the plan was that we both split up from our partners and get married although we were both having difficulty trying to get that done as it is so so so hard. Daily we have swings of no, yes, no yes. I don't want to give him up as he makes me very happy but I don't see how that can be done.

Should I maintain contact or cut it off completely so I chance or really working on my own marriage. He has promised his W that he cuts off all contact with me, yet he continues. How much sway does the baby hold over him - shall I leave this sitution to settle before making any decisions. I feel like such a horrible person for doing this to someone else and have said to myself and him repeatedly that we shouldn't be doing this. But the thought of not having him in my life is so bleak I couldn't face it.

Sweeney,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The wife has just found out and wants to stay together because of the kid (can't argue with that). </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">His wife just found out, but what about your husband? Are you trying to make decisions in his life without his input?

If you were not satisfied with what you and your husband had, why not just leave. You have been cheating for half of your marriage.

Your OM is married with a new baby. So, he had plenty of opportunity to leave his wife before she got pregnant. Do you really think that he doesn't want his wife? Love his wife? If he didn't he would have left long ago before he started a family with her.

Tell your husband. Work it out or leave. Leave the OM alone. If he and his wife can't work it out and several years down the line you are both single, then maybe he is the one. But right now, you are married and he is married, neither of you are free.

I know this sounds harsh but think about it. If OM thinks you are the one, why continue to have sex with his wife, why start a family with her, why didn't he divorce her 2 years ago? Why didn't you leave your husband when you discovered that you did not love him and loved another? You say your husband is a great guy, doesn't he deserve a great gal that will love only him?

I almost backed out of the marriage as I thin that H and I are intectually incompatible but eberything else was fine. I was still contemplating then whether I should levae then to go back to an ex (wgo in many respects mentally is like OM). But decided that the ex was too unstable and I wanted to settle down. After we got married and before the OM, I tried to leave a few times and thought about it alot but was always too cowardly to go through with it in the end. Same with OM. I was undecided whether to leave H for OM as I was not sure - I found pout that he had another affair before me. He has been cheating for most of his married life. Perhpas he is a chrnic cheat - is there such a thing and why is that?

Am rather confused as I think my emotions are getting the best of me. My thoughts are to to try to work things out with my H and have a family but am scared that I might be making a mistake

sweeney,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I found pout that he had another affair before me. He has been cheating for most of his married life. Perhpas he is a chrnic cheat - is there such a thing and why is that?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you really seriously entertaining the idea that this man is "the one"? Have you thought about how a year or so down the line, you will find out the "the one" has been cheating on you? I can't express to you how painful it is to have someone you love and trust do that to you.

It is hard to put into words everything it does to you. It is really the most painful experience I have ever had. I have had a lot of painful experiences but this has been the most devestating and the only one that ever made me consider ending my life. I have always had the ability to get right back up and move on like nothing has happened...until this.

Believe me, you don't want to put yourself in that position with a known "serial cheater." Why would he continually cheat? Low self-esteem, the need to be admired by the masses, a lack of empathy to those he hurts. It gives him power, it makes him feel like he is in control because deep down he fears that he is incapable of being a real man.

What is a real man? A man that works through his problems not runs from them, a man that loves with his whole being, a man that will do everything in his power not to hurt those he loves but to nurture and care for them. A real man can look back at his life with pride, not that he hadn't ever made mistakes but that the overall way he conducted his life was beyond reproach. Is your OM a real man? Or is your husband?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> After we got married and before the OM, I tried to leave a few times and thought about it alot but was always too cowardly to go through with it in the end </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why were you unable to go through with a seperation? What stopped you? Are you using OM as an excuse to leave? If you leave, leave for the right reasons, not the wrong ones. If you stay, stay for love. Stay because you believe your husband is the one that you love and the one you want to be with forever. Take a break from the OM, focus on what is best for you, what is best for your husband...your are the ones that are a family. Your OM has his own family to deal with on his own.

Was never able to leave because rationally I think that H and I will be able to have a good life together, he has alot of the qualities that make for an enduring marriage like patience etc but I could never make myself love him. I care alot about him. Can't recocile within myself whether it is better to live a rollercoaster with the one you really love or a big calm safe frigate with one who loves you. I don't feel emotionally fulfilled by H, and OM feels the same way about W but we're both too indecisive to leave and on rational days we say well, it's not that bad.

I understand the serial cheating as I think I could potentially turn out that way if I am not careful - always wanting the cake and eating it too. I just want to break this cycle. I beleive strongly that we can correct the mistakes of the past and not cheat on each other but what to do with the OC in the picture.

Buy, and read, "Surviving an Affair". It will be the best $13 you will ever spend. It will explain why you can't love your husband (at the moment), and how to change that.

Then tell your husband. He may divorce you, but it is the only chance you will ever have for a truly intimate, passionate marriage.

Relationships are built on trust and mutual
respect.

If you can't get what you need in your marriage
end it. Affairs may make you feel good in the
moment but they steal your soul and devestate
everyone in your life.

How can an affair build trust for the lovers?
Each of you are cheating on your spouses
without remorse. If you did end up together,
how could he trust you or you trust him not
to wander when things get boring?

What goes around comes around.

End the affair or end the marriage.


Betrayed Husband

I totally agree with Joker...
What goes around comes around...end the affair or end the marriage. You CAN'T have both! It's not fair to your spouse. The pain of an A is brutal and cruel.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sweeney:
<strong> I beleive strongly that we can correct the mistakes of the past and not cheat on each other but what to do with the OC in the picture. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sweeny, with all due respect, you have a lot to learn. An OC is not, as you indicated, the child of a man and woman who are married to each other. An "other child" is that which is the result of an affair. Please don't refer to your lover's infant, that he created with his wife as part of their marital bond, as the "other child."

With that out of the way, I can tell you that, yes, you can change your marriage and find happiness with your husband, but not until you tell your husband what has been going on behind his back and then break all ties with the OM.

Somehow, I don't think you're up to the challenge.

~ Snow

PS It doesn't bother you that during this torrid love affair that your lover was still able to make love with and impregnant his wife? What is wrong with this picture, sweeney?

~ Snow

Ditto, Joker is right.

If you are unhappy in your marriage, then fix it. Let H know what needs to be fixed, I'm sure he would like some things fixed too.

It's not all about you, or all about him.

If you just want to leave then leave. But it seems to me you strung him along while you played the field to create a new option.

Stay away from other peoples husbands. I don't care if they are EX's or not. OM has been married 9 years with a newborn. Despite what many people think, people should stay together for the sake of there children. Many studies bear this out.

And if the M is not as good as it should be, then make it what it should be, and let your H know too, so he can participate. At least give him the option of choosing also.

Experience talking here.....so listen up....

My WH is a serial cheater....Don't know how long he's been this way - but, my gut says "It's who he is" he cannot change.

This describes my WH to a "T" - Why would he continually cheat? Low self-esteem, the need to be admired by the masses, a lack of empathy to those he hurts. It gives him power, it makes him feel like he is in control because deep down he fears that he is incapable of being a real man.

Do not trust this man..my WH has his OP's think they are only competing with me--they aren't...He loves juggling a few women at a time. Listen closely to what he tells you - he is probably cheating on you too..If I knew "then" while I was the WS with him - what I know now - believe me - I would have RAN...and worked on my M..I left my M for this man who is now cheating on me..Sometimes they can stop cheating for a couple of years - but it doesn't last - the addiction takes over..and look out..you cannot have a R that has been built on lies..

Yes, you feel deeply for him - connected - so did I - it's part of the game they play. My BS couldn't do anything right once this man got his hook in me, and now he's throwing me back in the stream...I pray that you wake up and put all your efforts into your current M - if it still isn't "right" move on - but, don't leave for someone elses husband..You will get hurt no matter what they tell you..

It hurts:

Please tell me your story. As he is now saying that we should move forward and get together. I know this forum is about keeping marriages together and I am in half a mind to try. But on the other hand, he seems so genuine and I do believe we could keep it together - believe in second chance at happiness. am lost.

It hurts,

Before you answer "Sweeney," please be advised that this poster also claims to have been married 8 years and has a husband who is cheating on her. (See other post, incredibly also posted under the name Sweeney, titled "he thinks he loves her....)"

Perhaps this is a remake of the 3 faces of Eve? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

~ Snow

Hmm- I did reply to her original post - and today I read her new post about him leaving her and I was a bit confused.

Soooo - Sweeney - what is the truth??? are you just trying to see "both sides"..??? What if he was cheating not me??? Are you trying to justify???

Again, I'll tell you - BE careful...these type of men "Believe what they say when they are saying it.." They put thier lives into compartments - when they are with you It's all about you and him, when they are around family and friends they paint a different picture. They can't break free from the compartments. I too thought I found the love of my life - unfortunately, I was the only one that felt this way. These type fall in love very easily - they love falling in love..it refreshes their day to day life. I am so damaged by my findings that I will probably live the rest of my life ALONE..I doubt that I can ever trust again..I trusted this man so much that I left the security of a M, and my family as did his suffer from what I did. I've been forgiven because everyone thought " well, at least she's finally found happiness..Woke up 9 years later to find a life of lies and deceit. Be sure of what you are getting into - they are real "charmers"..because again, they believe what they are saying WHEN they say it...but it doesn't hold up in the long run...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Can't recocile within myself whether it is better to live a rollercoaster with the one you really love or a big calm safe frigate with one who loves you.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As one who has been betrayed, allow me to say that I have not one ounce of sympathy for you. Go hop on your rollercoaster - I hope it derails.