Well folks I was here two years ago when my wife had an affair. We (read I) did a lot of work on the marriage and things were going well for a while. But eventually she slipped back into her old habits and I could see what the eventual outcome would be.....another affair. This time it was not a one night stand however. The two have no relationship but did get together for sex several times. Any opinions on what I should do? I'm thinking I should head for the hills and move on.

On top of that today she confessed to having unprotected sex with the guy....pardon me but thats kind of discusting considering she and I were still being intimate until a week ago. We have two wonderful girls together (aged 10 and 7) but I don't think I can hang on any longer. The woman I knew seems to have vanished and left this careless, insensitive person in her place. Is there any hope at all? Or will she eventually slip back into the same habits again?? As of now I've told her that we are seperating and have given no hints that I might take her back at some point. I'm prepared to accept the loss if it means I never have to go through this again. On the other hands, my daughters always thought that they had the perfect family but now in a matter of days it has shattered for them. What do I do??

Is your wife willing to work on the marriage and get counseling? Since she is a repeat offender, there may be personal problems. To me, it would depend on whether she will get help or not.

I agree with Believer, it sounds like your wife is committing marital suicide, wondering what her response is why she did it. She obviously needs help, but on your side I am not sure how you can recover from a second A

Hello,

I am very sorry for you. You say two years ago she had an affair and you forgave her. Now she repeats this behavior by just getting together with another guy just for repeated sex. In addition, she has unprotected sex with this guy. Clearly this indicates that she does not care that she has been putting your health at risk. Apparently she does not care that she is destroying your marriage and family for her own selfish desires.
She does not have a relationship but just has sex with this guy? It sounds like she has left you mentally and physically and does not care about the consequences of her actions. It sounds like this will be a continuous behavior on her part. I think you have to ask yourself is this how you wish to live your life and how many times are you going to accept this humiliation and health risk she is putting you through?

“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me!”

Coach

This is exactly where I don't want to be ten years from now with children, and a supposedly new understanding of marriage, and then being separated again and it happening again. I would say that you should go the counseling route first, there is something that has to give in your relationship, something that is going on that will need to be addressed.

I think though that your heart is already telling you what to do and your main concern, and your main hold-up is your kids.

I would say from experience that children do not need to be raised in unhappy homes. There are certain things that can cause a home to become unhappy, employment, alcohol, things of that nature, but the nullfication of marriage is another thing and your children should learn early what is acceptable and unacceptable in marriage, honestly, I think if more parents were to speak out against infidelity and all of the other evils in the family that we wouldn't have near the problems that we have today that make all betrayed spouses sick.

I do wish you the best and hope that you'll somehow find some inner peace in all this and also that you will be able to remain the father that you are to your children. God Bless.

I think the fact that you previously went through an A and recovered for a period of time shows that the M and its many dimensions were flawed but not untreatable. Now having said this a second A shows (in my humble opinion ) that it was probably NOT the M that was flawed but your WW. Repetitious cycles of chaotic interpersonal relationships have almost nothing to do with the current relationship. They are most likely manifestations of deeply buried personality flaws, most likely related to your WW's relationship with her parents, especially her father.

My heart grieves for you but I know by the tone of your letter, your next course of action is obvious.

My prayers are with you

This might help a little

http://ww4.lhj.com/lhj/story.jhtml?storyid=/templatedata/lhj/story/data/14703.xml

Thank so much for the reply's! I have to aggree with the general consensus here. My wife does have personal problems in her past that she admits lead her to do these things. She was sexually abused from the age of 5 or 6. These "encounters" she says give her a feeling of power over those that she invites. They only come when she wishes and things only go as far as she allows. Still that doesn't really compute with me....if it goes back to her abuse as a child wouldn't she generally avoid sex rather than seek it out from strangers and mere aquantances??

She does admit that she needs help to find out exactly why she does these things but also feels that she cannot hold me back any longer and rish hurting me yet again in the future. In my opinion that just states that she hasn't really decided to end such encounters and probably has no real wish to do so.

Bottom line is that I know what I need to do and yes my kids hold me back. I love my kids, they are my world. But I must now learn to balance my own personal life and search for possible new love and still be a Dad to them. Thanks for all the support everyone....hearing others opinions really does help at times like these.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Cymanca:
<strong> This might help a little

http://ww4.lhj.com/lhj/story.jhtml?storyid=/templatedata/lhj/story/data/14703.xml </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Great article thanks!! Although it concentrates on rebuilding the relationship which I think is hopeless really. The pattern continuously seems to repeat itself. I'm also beginning to wonder if I may have found out about only one of several affairs. This just keeps getting more interesting (read nerve wrecking!)

Hello again,

Here is another thought to consider. You have to be strong and healthy for your children. It sounds like your wife is putting herself and you at great risk for STD's with these continuing sexual encounters. Someone must be strong and healthy for your children and it certainly is not your wife.

Very good point, thanks!

Well since yesterday the story took another interesting twist. We talked a long time last night which really didn't make me feel any better but I think we really needed it to help put some closure on things. Anyways here's the kicker. Today I was rumaging through some things and found an appointment card from a doctors office.....an abortion clinic to be exact!! I'm assuming it's for my wife. The appointment is for wednesday morning with details on preparation for the procedure.

This is all so strange for me. The strangest thing of all is that I"m not really angry at her just VERY dissapointed in her. I also have a question for anyone who has experienced this. Since we have decided to end the relationship why is it that I still find myself wondering about the affair? And I still catch myself "investigating" to see if she is still seeing someone. Since I decided to end the relationship shouldn't I be able to let it go?? I guess it's just much harder than I thought it would be.

Anyone?? Please?!

Shannon - You said it yourself - moving on is hard. Even when a decision is made to end the relationship, we tend not to want to give up hope,and continue our "habits" of monitoring the situation. You've been hurt and you're looking for answers that may never come. It's a painful part of the overall process. Please know that many hear share your pain as you bring about some kind of closure.

I hear what you are saying. Although I have convinced myself and her that I will not take her back I still keep holding on to the relationship in a psychological sense. It's hard to just let things go after you've been together for so long. I guess it still feels like she's cheating if she is with someone now that we are seperated. Hopefully I can settle my mind into the idea of being divorced very soon so that I can begin to move on. Any tips in that department?? Thanks so much everyone.