I am 38 years old and have been married one week shy of 7 years. I am two weeks away from my due date with my third child. My world came crashing in around me about a month ago when I stumbled upon what my husband has been up to. We recently moved and I was going through boxes and found a card from a woman that my husband had never met (she said as much in the card) but they had spoken and were sending each other pictures. This was 3 months after we were engaged.

There have been some rough spots during our marriage and I started becoming suspicious of events that I thought back on - his lack of interest in sex for one, excessive time spent on computer, lack of conversation about his life in general. So, I logged onto his to email accounts and found out that there have been at least two women that I would classify as him having an affair with although he doesn't see it that way. One woman he met on-line while playing cards. There was a period of time when I went to bed by myself every night. I usually cried myself to sleep. I would awake around 2am and find him on the computer. I asked him to stop doing whatever it was but he didn't. He ended up meeting this card-player (he says only one time) who is also married. From the email I read it sounds as if her sister was there and that was about the only thing preventing them from sleeping together. She lives in a different state. This happened years ago and contact stopped between them but she recently contacted him again and the emails have started up again.

He met another woman who was having a ton of personal problems and they developed a relationship too. She lives 4 hours away so it was phone calls and emails until she came to town. He was in her hotel room but left before anything happened (according to him). She actually tried to kill herself because of a bad realationship she was in and he feels that he really helped her get through it.

When confronted, both women agreed to end contact.

I also have checked credit card statements and found payments for subcriptions to on-line chat sites (lavalife, friendfinder). Also, he occasionally frequents a strip club where he will spend close to $1,000 in one night. He says it is for table dances but that seems pricey. I don't know what exactly goes on at these clubs but he says it is harmless. he also says if it bothers me, he will stop.

I confronted him and the women and he was devastated that he had hurt me (I guess he thought he would be found out). He says it makes him realize how much I mean to him and how much he does not want to lose me. he explains it that he felt like we had drifted but never considered ever leaving because he loves me and our boys. He said it felt it was sexy and dangerous but somehow safe because he never thought he would sleep with any of the people he "chatted" with or even the two woment mentioned above. he said it makes him feel good that people meet him or talk with him and think he is funny, smart, good looking etc.

I have read "Surviving An Affair" and have the emotional needs book but I can't fill his need for the kind of newness and excitement that each of these relationships provide.

He just wants to move on and make our marriage work which is all I ever wanted. I love him but it seems like the whole marriage is a lie because this had gone on for so long. I can't believe he was capable of doing this and I am not sure he is capable of stopping although he says he has learned his lesson and any need he has for flirting or 'on-line' chatting pales to his need for me and our marriage. I just can't seem to believe him for any length of time. I can go a few days and feel like we can do this and then I just breakdown and feel like I cannot get over it. And I am 9 months pregnant with our child - all my energy will be going to the new baby - how can I work on my marriage too? I don't know if I can survive this or if I even should try. If I stay and try to work this out and find out he isn't, it will kill me.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good place to be. We have several pregnant facing their husband's affair.

You WH sounds like he might be a sex-addict, which will require treatment. And actually it has little to do with sex - but instead childhood issues.

Try posting on the general questions forum. Lots of experts and more traffic there.

Stick with us and we will help you.

Thank you. I guess the first step is to determine if there is an addiction. He does admit that he had issues with the internet but thinks he has put that behind him. He is a proud man with a good upbringing and I don't think he will be willing to admit he has an addiction.

Kab, I am so sorry to hear of your situation. My dh is a sex addict. He's in complete denial however his denial does not change the facts.

I would suggest a couple of things....Read Patrick Carnes, any and all of his books. There are several websites. www.understandingsexualaddiction.org; sexaddict.com; and others I can't even remember right now.

You can look up some posts from the AbsentMindedProfessor on here and Drucilla and Roberta. If your H is an addict Harley's principles won't work for you. Please read the principles. Please read the section where he discusses addicts and dealing with the addiction.

My prayers are with you. This is by far the most painful thing in my life. I would encourage you to read, read, read. I would also encourage you to find a support group and work on yourself. I know you have a new baby coming - it's important though for yourself to concentrate on you.


Angelia

Angelia,

I am sorry you are hurting too. It is so hard to live with. From what I know about sex addicts (which isn't much and I will take your advice and read up) is that they are not loving people and can't seem to get enough sex. I don't think that is the situation here although alot of it does seem to be 'fantasizing'.

Believer is right, whatever it is, it is totally inappropriate and is so hurtful. We always talked about trust and I always told him that I could never understand how people stay together after A's because once that trust is broken i don't know how anyone can move on. Then it happens to you. I bounce between hurt and anger that he could have brought this ugliness into our seemingly perfect life.

I will try to take care of myself but with two small boys (5 and 3) and a baby on the way, it is going to be rough.

You might also both want to read up on Emotional Infidelity. "Surviving an Affair" is a great book, but it is MUCH more effective if you read it together, discuss it as you read, and take all the questionaires, and discuss your results. We found the questionnaires to be worth many times the price of the book, and you can download them free, from this site. Your mileage may vary.

Kab, please read all you can. This addiction has nothing to do with sex really. It's like many other addictions - it's a coping mechanism to deal with gosh, a variety of things.

Before I knew about his affair, and before a counselor pointed out to me that it might be an addiction (many things pointed to that including the affair, prostitutes, internet porn, etc) I would dare say we had sex at least once per day. I am not a prude and did everything to satisfy his needs.

Once I could name the addiction I realized that my H was having sex with xow, me and satisfying himself several times a day. Why? It's part of the 'shame' cycle. The sex is often just a temporary 'high' like cocaine to get their minds off of whatever the issues are.

Many of the books you can find at a library and the websites are informative and there are many of them. There are message boards just like this one where the focus is partners of addicts.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Sweetheart get yourself into S-Anon. It is a recovery group for family and friends of sexaholics. It may sould extreme and you may think you don't need it. So did I until I found I was taking out my anger, hurt on everyone else. check it out. Good luck