Recently found out that H has had at least two EA's and frequented internet dating and 'friendfinder' sites. I confronted him and I thought things were going OK. We were working on our ENQ. I also found out that he knows some of the strippers at a local strip club. He goes there occasionally but when he does he spends sometimes over $1000. What is this? It really bothers me especially since he knows some of these girls. He says table dances or private rooms with table dances. How much are table dances these days? Anyway, last night he went to a baseball game with the guys. He got home around 1;30 am. I checked his credit card account on-line first thing in the morning and saw over $1000 in charges to the strip club. When asked, he lied about it. I finally got him to admit that he was there but that he only spent $200. My number one EN is openess and honesty - he blew it. I believe the only way to recovery is honesty so that I can trust him again. How many chances do I give him to be honest with me? I cannot bear the lies - thinking about asking him to leave but my two boys adore him (ages 5 and 3) and he them and they would be crushed. He lied about his EA's and internet stuff too until I had proof.

He says he doesn't want to upset me and that is why he did not tell me the truth. I am two weeks away from having our 3rd child (and still having sexual relations). I think he is a lucky guy considering I know friends who shut their husbands off pretty much as soon as they were pregnant.

I feel for you. Especially since you are pregnant. I am in a similar situation except that my husband decided to pursue a stripper outside of the club as well.

I have filed for Legal Separation and we have a 6-year old son. I am profoundly sad. But, I can't live with the lies and the disrespect. I don't know where you live, but lap dances where my husband was going cost about $80/dance. Then there were the drinks. He would spend about $200 a pop. But, he's pretty tight. Ha.

This sounds like a problem to me. I'm sorry I have no real advice. But, it is terribly disrespectful and a horrible example to two young boys.

Same here, my husband started visiting strip clubs almost 2 years ago, in our town filled with them! It started with a few hundred dollars (lap dances, drinks, tips, etc) and escalated to thousands of dollars (he would "treat" his adult son sometimes). He then started dating one of the strippers, who of course, milked him for tens of thousands of dollars. These women are not "friends" and are out strictly for the money, breaking up marriages and families in the meantime - they are selfish and only care about their bottom line. My husband had also been on adult friendfinder sites, porn, etc. We have been going to therapy, but not making much progress, except he has finally stopped drinking (alcoholic). I suggest you try the Marrigae Builders Coaching, as we are starting. You husband must be committed to stop the internet stuff, stop the strip clubs and turn his full attention to his family, work, home, etc. You did not make these babies alone, so if he wants to keep his family, he needs to take responsibility and stop acting like a single man. One good piece of advice we received was to do activities together, and/or with family and friends, not going out alone "with the boys" or "with the girls" for either of you. This helps to keep the focus between the 2 of you, and encourages family time, not alone time. Lastly, I think doctors say no sex during the last month of pregnancy (9th month), as it could injure the baby? Ask your doctor. Obviously, your frequent sex life has not stopped your husband's behavior (same for my husband). Perhaps, like mine, he is a hyper-social, extremely out-going person, who just needs to direct that energy into positive directions, not strip clubs, bars, alcohol, etc. Good luck and stay in touch!

jannie2,

I think you are right about my H being like yours. Very social, out-going, generally likes meeting new people. I think he enjoys the feedback he gets when someone meets him and tells him how funny or charming he is. I guess I stopped telling him all the reasons I fell in love with him because I didn't realize how much he liked or need to hear it. He is working on his ENQ and I am hoping he is honest enough with himself to admit that need.

He says he knows the strippers are only out to get guys money. He says 5 minutes after talking to most of them you realize how bizarre they are. Still doesn't stop him going though.

TransientMom or Jannie2,

Do you really know what goes on during a lap dance? I think I know but in a way I would almost like to see it so my imagination cannot see it for me. My H says the guys can't touch the girls at all or they get thrown out. But it isn't called a lap dance for nothing. Do they talk 'dirty' to them while dancing? I ask my husband general questions and he said I should go to see for myself. I can't see me doing that. He says he does get aroused during the dance but would love to come home and have sex with me. Unfortunately, when he gets home it is late and I have been asleep for hours. I hate the thoughts of another woman sexually arousing him. He says he will stop if it bothers me that much.

At this point in my pregnancy, sex is almost impossible but thanks for the advice. My Dr. says it can bring on labor but shouldn't hurt the baby.

Hey, I don 't even see the need for single guys to go to strip clubs - there are plenty of young women walking aroung 1/2 naked in public everyday! I guess the real reason is that these strippers flatter the guys, where normally girls that pretty and naked would not approach them! It's a total lack of respect tho to the wivies of married men who frequent these places, not to mention the tons of cash & time being wasted that could be put to better use in the family unit! How about some input from men on the site? Are women being hyper-sensitive about these clubs? I would not go to one to see what lap dances are all about, but I understand that the law says no touching, but there is LOTS of touching, mostly by the men, but it can go both ways, including "dirty" talk. The owners, bouncers and even the politicians in my town look the other way (bribes)! My H said he touched his stripper girlfriend on every inch of her body. They sit on the guys laps, put their boobs in their faces, touch the guys in their crotches & on & on, all for the money. If you want to save your marriage, your H should stop going to the clubs, but not just because you said so, he gotta wanna. Good luck to you.

Just had to reply- my WH also went to a strip club and had an EA with one of the strippers- would have made it a PA but she was real slick- made him think it was going to happen but then blackmailed him for money or she would call me and "tell me what he liked".We have been trying to rebuild our marriage for 6 months now, but it isn't easy at times. I don't think he realizes just how inadequate and insecure the realization that he turned to another woman for sexual stimulation has made me. This girl is 20 years younger- obviously with a better body than mine.Dday was 9 months ago and I am still hurt and angry.Just last month I found some porn magazines and movies that I had thought he had gotten rid of.So now, it's almost like Dday all over again-he has been trying- spending more time with me, more affection- but he still obviously desires these playboy-types . I'm just down at the bottom again- I know that I can't tell him how to feel about me- I want it to be genuine love, and that means that I'm the only one he wants and needs.I realize that men like "visual stimulation" and there is plenty around, but when they act on it, then that is not only disrespectful, but unfaithful as well.This is a marriage building site, but I have to figure out if I want a husband that still desires other women. I am obviously not everything he needs in his life, so why keep pretending to be happy?He says the magazines will be gone, but if rebuilding our marriage was so important, why were they still here? He knows how upset I was- I equate a stripper as the "real life version" of the centrefolds.The next step.I guess I have become obsessed about the subject- it just makes me so angry that guys think there is nothing wrong with lusting after women like this- but there is a proven market for these magazines and clubs.I really would like to hear from guys about his- my H just dismisses it as nothing important- would he not feel inadequate if I turned to other men to sexually arouse me?Am I making too big a deal about this?I believe so strongly that it is a form of betrayal and cheating that I am seriously thinking of ending my marriage because of it.
We were separated for 2 1/2 months after Dday, and I did go to the club to see what went on, but only lasted 10 minutes- I had to get out of there.I didn't see any personal dances- just the girl on stage, but my H did say that there is no touching allowed but they do kiss their "client" on the cheek at the end of the dance.I still think of going back to witness an actual dance, which apparently is in the open, but what is worse? my imagination or the real thing?
I would really like to let go of this and move on and be happy.HOW DO YOU DO THAT?

I am a man 43 wife and four kids.

I have been to strip bars and I have had lap dances. I enjoyed the lap dances very much. But there was no touching allowed by me. The girl was completely naked. She rubbed her bottom against my crotch, and blew on my neck. She dangled her breasts in front of my face so the nipples touched my lips, and nose. She smelled of coconut. She was young and pretty and she smiled at me and pretended to like me. I touched her hip with my hand but she pushed it away and shook her finger at me with a flirty smile. I very was aroused by her.

It was two or three years ago. I was with a customer and his young trainee. The trainee was getting married so we took him out for a little fun. I haven't been to a strip bar since. But when ever I pass one I feel drawn to it, I can almost smell the coconut. I'm sure I will end up in one again. It will be a customer, or a friends batchler party or something like that. I will tell my wife about it. I would never go behind her back. But other than that I will avoid them. I will avoid them not because I don't like them. But because I do like them. I know they have a power. A suductive, fantacy where pretty young girls like fat old men. I avoid them like I avoid drugs, scotch, and gambling. Things that are pleasurable, but can become habit forming and can have a terrible, desrtuctive, devistating affect on a persons life.

These husbands of yours are not normal. They are hooked. They are married to these clubs and the way they feel there. No working at a relationship. No problems. No compromises. No committments. Just money and sex. These girls love them for who they are and never try to change them - as long as they have money in their pocket! They are living a fantasy that will destroy them, and consume everything in their life that is good!

You must be strong. You must tell them how much it hurts you. You must find a way to make them stop! I know I sound like a hypacrite because I said I would prob go there again. But I will never initiate a trip there. If I go I will enjoy it, but once every few years with a customer or special occasion isn't the same as all the time.

Kab, don't go there with him. It degrades you and legitimizes his lifestyle. And you will not like what you see. It will break your heart to see where your H is spending all his time, and all of your families money!

Good luck and God Bless.

Lucky's right. I have been to these places too. I always protest, tell my friend I don't really want to go. But the truth is there is always a knot in my stomach because I know I want to go in. The thing is I usually don't. The occasional customer, or Bachler party. I bet it hasn't been a dozen times in the last 25 years. But I admit I liked it every time. I can see how some guys might get hooked. Pretty young girls paying attention to you, becomeing naked (intimate) with you. No strings, no hassles. Playing on the weaknesses of the men. Taking their money! A weak man could easily get drawn in and hooked!

If your H is going to a strip bar more than 1 or 2 times a year...it could be a problem. Find a way to make him stop. Nothing good comes from those places.

Lucky's right. I have been to these places too. I always protest, tell my friend I don't really want to go. But the truth is there is always a knot in my stomach because I know I want to go in. The thing is I usually don't. The occasional customer, or Bachler party. I bet it hasn't been a dozen times in the last 25 years. But I admit I liked it every time. I can see how some guys might get hooked. Pretty young girls paying attention to you, becomeing naked (intimate) with you. No strings, no hassles. Playing on the weaknesses of the men. Taking their money! A weak man could easily get drawn in and hooked!

If your H is going to a strip bar more than 1 or 2 times a year...it could be a problem. Find a way to make him stop. Nothing good comes from those places.

Lucky, Mugsy, hey guys, you are hypocrites! Just because you don't go to strip clubs frequently, you still go. What do your W's say? I can't believe they approve of naked women pushing their boobs in your faces! Not to mention the gobs of money being blown there!! Is it impossible to create a lure/fantasy/intimate/sexual or ? atmosphere at home with your W? Look at Playboy mags, role play and/or watch couple adult flicks together? Of course, my husband and I did this & he still went out secretly to the clubs. What is the answer? They should go back to the good ole days, where strippers were up on stage and not in guys laps, but it's all about the money.

Yes Jannie, you are right. I suppose I am a bit of a hypocrite. I suppose because my wife never complained about it, (I never went behind her back), I thought it was OK. I never spent much money there. I bet I've never spent 100 in a night there. But does that matter? I don't know. If it hurt my wife I wouldn't go. She never said it was a problem. But maybe it hurt her and she didn't say so because she thought she should be a good sport. Honestly, she has gone to batchlerette parties where males were involved. I didn't really like it, but I ubderstood that is what people do now. On the other hand if she was going all the time, spending alot of family money, lots of time etc I would be very upset. So yes I am a hypocrite, a little. But you must see the difference in going with a group to a place like that once every year or two, and going all the time, spending thousands of dollors, and getting involved in EA withthese girls. You can't say that I am like the H's described in this thread. I hope I'm not anyway. I will talk to my wife about it. Thanks for the slap in the face!!

Mugs

Mugsy, did not mean for my post to be a slap in your face, as I do see the difference in a H visiting a strip club a few times in your life versus all the time. I guess I was just upset because I don't see the need to ever be in places like that! Not just viewing the naked women, but all the drinking, touching, money issues as well are not condusive to a good marriage. My H also used to go out of town once a year with old college buddies. Found out they were cruising bars, dancing with women, drinking of course and generally acting they were still single 21 year olds. I guess I just don't understand some married men's need for this type of behavior when they have a good marriage at home. I for example look 10 years younger, dress well, like to socialize (but with people in our general age bracket), enjoy a health sex life, as well as partaking in family time. Why is that not enough for some husband's? It's good to get a man's point of view! Thank you Lucky & Mugsy.

Well jannie, it was a slap, and thats ok. It was one of those, "snap out of the fog" kind of slaps. Where you instantly see something through another perspective that you didn't see before. I think it was Lucky's all too graphic discription of the lap dance that may have set you off. But, one of asked what it was like and all he did was tell you.

Why do men do it? hmmmm, don't know. I'm trying to think about what feelings I experience when I am there that are pleasent. I guess they touch you alot. Not just during a lap dance, but when they are talking to you, when they ask you to buy them a drink or let them dance for you. They must be trained to know that by touching your arm or shoulder, while looking into your eyes smileing makes some kind connection. A deposite into a type of "love bank". They smile at you and make you feel good, even though you know they don't mean it. And they never make any real demands, no withdrawls, so the "stripper bank" can fill up rather fast. I suppose if anybody went there enough the stripper "love bank" would finally be more full than the wife "love bank". I don't know, I'm not an expert, and these concepts are pretty new to me, I'm just trying to answer your questions. I don't know if I am doing a very good job!? Any other men whant to take a stab at it?

your friend,
Mugs

I hate to say it, but my wife is a dancer and we have been having major problems. We r getting thru them tho, hopefully. There r different types of dancers. Some r very sleazy and will do just about anything (out of the club). They r all after only 1 thing tho, money. No matter what they say to u its all about money. They make u think that they will. I have seen my wife dance only once and she loves to dance and entertain. She is really good at it and in a way I appreciate that she is able to do it. But it should be for me only. It does bother me and we both agree that it has to stop soon. We need money so bad right now and she makes alot, but it is damaging our relationship.

As far as lap dances go, nobody is ever allowed to touch them. They can get on top of u but usually just with their knees. Grinding and dry humping and whatever isnt allowed. Different clubs and different women have their own boundries and some tend to look the other way. My wife has told me alot of the time when she has given them lap dances she is thinking about cleaning the house or things that we have to take care of or other things. I think alot of the dancers dont really get off on rubbing up on all sorts of men all night long.

So I would say not to worry about dancers stealing your men. Its not gonna happen. Your guys need to grow up and realize its NOT reality. They need to work on their relationship and be strong enough not to go there if it causes a problem. Its pretty immature and unresponsible. I mean really, its naked women pretending to like u to get your money. Who gives a crap. They have women at home who really do like them and guess what... They dont have to pay for it!!

ok time to get real. every man that goes into these strip clubs knows very well what goes on in there. strip clubs are no place for a married man to be. take the money you blow in there and spend it on your family instead of giving it to the trash that steals it from them. yes some of these woman do "steal" husbands. if you think they dont you are only fooling yourself.these woman are really no diffrent than the woman on the street corner.

Been out of touch for a while since I just had her third baby a week ago. M is doing better and H has been great during labor, delivery and caring for our newborn baby boy.

From what I am reading here, I think the stripper issue has to be black and white, not gray. To say 'men are visual', 'boys will be boys', 'it is just fantasy' are all justifications for behavior that is not conducive to a good marriage. I was OK (not enthusiastic) with occasional strip club outings by my H until I found out how much $$ he was spending and that it wasn't just guys sitting around watching naked women dance (like someone mentioned earlier). It almost always involves interaction, touching, talking and I am not OK with that. I always wonder when I am having sex with my H if he is thinking about me or some stripper who is 15 years younger than me who has not had children or any real repsonsibility in life. It can be a real turn off to think that way. My H says it is not like that but how could it not be. I have never seen my H at a strip club and the images I have are burned in my memory. How could they not be burned in his. Like the previous post mentioned, he described his lap dance in detail, down to the smell of coconut. That is pretty amazing. My H goes more than 1 or 2 times a year but I would not say addiction. Is there somewhere in between? Either way, it is disrespectful. I would love to hear more guys' spin on this. On the surface, I get it. Men enjoy looking at naked women. But when a marriage, children, God are involved I just don't get it.

I am not a materialistic person and don't expect my H to buy me jewelry, clothes etc all the time. I am the type to try to save $ by clipping coupons, looking for sales. We are very fortunate financially. Then I see he can drop up to $1000 in one night on strippers and my blood boils. I am cutting coupons and he is squandering $ away. My boys want a swing set and I am holding off because I think it is too much to spend now and then I think that strip club got my boys swing set. burns me up!!!

Guys - would love to hear your spin.

Like you I read Lucky's vivid recollection of his lap dance. I have similar memories, I have only been to the strip clubs a few times, but the memories are quite vivid. However, I have never thought of one of those girls while being intimate with my wife. Men are very visual, but a real vision of the woman you are married to trumps the memory of a younger woman from a strip club. At least for me and my friends, (I asked a few of them yesterday)

Since this thread began I have talked to my wife about this, she still says that it doesn't bother her because I only go for Batchelor parties, or if a customer wants to go. I have never gone without telling right away, because I am afraid she might find out and it would seem like I am hiding it from her. But I sence that he is saying what she thinks I want to hear. MAybe she is being a "good sport". Am I really causing her pain? I hope not. Either way, I think I will be avoiding them in the future. As far as your husbands are concerned, I have to say, if they are going on a regular basis it IS, or IS LIKELY to cause trouble. And if they are going even occasionally and spending $1,000 at a time, they are doing more than just a lap dance or two. The clubs I have been to always try to get you to spend $2-300 for a "private show" Thats where they take you back into a private room, where there aren't so many people watching. That way they can be more "relaxed". Well, you read Lucky's account of a lap dance, and mine are similare to his. I can't emagine what goes on in a "private room". If your H is spending $1,000 I guarentee he isn't getting 25 - 50 lap dances, he is getting "private rooms". So not only is he blowing an obscene amount of money, but he is doing "god knows what" in those private rooms. You heard Luck describe what they do to you for $20 - $40 can you imagine what those women would do for $1,000????!!!!!

Mugsy,

Thanks for your input and for asking your friends about what goes on in men's minds while being intimate with their wives.

I, of course, can't answer for your wife. I know some women don't mind and some forbid strip clubs. I tolerated it too (I thought it was silly that on a guys night out, men go to see women) but I didn't realize the money being spent and what was happening. I thought strip clubs were still naked women dancing not lap dances or whatever else.

My H has agreed to stay away from the SC because it is not worth the trouble it is causing us. I hope he honors that.

We have been doing great and I am optimistic for our marriage.

That's great Kab!

I think you should give him the benifit of the doubt and believe that he is going to stay away from them.. I would remember to "inspect what you expect" however and keep an eye on the credit card receipts etc.

Good luck!